All That You Leave Behind

Queen here. Poor old Angst had a HELL of a time updating this last time, so, if you are enjoying this, or wondering where we're going to go with it, do please review. She tends to get fractious without reviews and I bear the brunt!



Dear Ginny,



I can’t believe I’ve been here nearly a month already! I’m finding it really difficult knowing how to cope with Snape’s moods, but knowing I can tell you all this now, even though you can’t read it, is such a comfort to me. Honestly, Gin, I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you to write to.



Life here is pretty much the same every day. I run tests, get glared at, give him medicine, get glared at, make some kind of mistake, get complained at. It’s like this all the time! And I’m trying so hard not to let it bother me, cos I know he’s really ill, and, well, we both know what he’s like, but it’s so difficult! He’s just so horrible all the time.



He is getting slightly better. You can remember what it was like for your Dad after he got bit can’t you? Well, for some reason it’s been even worse for Snape. Maybe because we haven’t been able to care for him like St Mungo’s did for your Dad. Whatever the reason, the wound has only just really started healing – which I am deeply thankful for! I was so sick of changing that bandage every two hours!



Sorry, I’m going on about myself again. I really miss you, and can’t wait until I can see you and hold you again. Talking to Kreacher isn’t quite the same! I can’t discuss Quidditch with him, or hold him, or reminisce on happier times.



Please, Ginny, keep waiting for me. I promise I will be there for you one day. I promise.



Harry.



Harry slowly made his way upstairs, sighing. It was time to once again face Severus and give him his potions. Familiarity seemed to have bred more than contempt, it seemed to Harry, that Severus, whilst never being fond of Harry, now loathed the sight of him. Every time he went into the other’s room, the older man seemed to steel himself for an onslaught. It annoyed Harry, he tried so hard to help, but because Severus was so unpleasant all the time, it made him fumble. He again, as he had many times in the past, felt sorry for Neville. This must have been how he had felt in Potions. Harry didn’t fear Severus, but the other’s relentless gaze, watching him for the least mistake, was definitely wearing.



“Ah…” Severus said softly, voice still injured, yet able to slash at Harry with just a few syllables, “and what new level … of incompetence … will you demonstrate … today?”



"Okay!" Harry finally snapped, his last nerve broken, "This has gone on long enough! There's no one here to impress with your snarky git routine, so just drop it, ok?!"



"Why...Mr. P-Potter...whatever do....you mean?" Snape said with evil innocence.



"Shut up!" Harry screamed. "Just shut up! You're so rude all the time! Can't you ever be grateful? I'm trying my best and all you do is be sarcastic and cruel and..." Harry stopped, horrified to discover he was close to tears.



"Oh...feeling...put upon...are we?" the man rasped, "are we...feeling...s-sorry...for ourself...Mr. Potter? Are you...going to ...cry?"



"No! Damn you!" Harry shrieked. "Look! I'm grateful for everything you did when I was at school, I am, and this is why I'm helping you now, well, that and..." he trailed off, not sure how the other would react.



"I assure you...Potter, I...do not...need nor...do I appreciate...your pity!" Snape growled, his black eyes flashing.



Pity?! Harry's mind yelled the word. "It's not pity," he said, striving for calm, "It's that you've been treated badly by pretty much everyone, me included, and well, I wanted this chance to make things better for you. To try and make things right between us ... somehow."



"In other words...your pity…" the man spat the words, "How…how this world...has treated me...is none of…your concern, Potter...I did not....ask...for your help....I do not want it...and I certainly.....did not ask you...to come here! …Whining to me...about making things...right! If you...are so concerned...about making things....right, leave!!! That will......I assure you.....make everything right!"



“I’m not going anywhere!” Harry felt his anger rising again. “God! This isn't about pity! And you DO need my help, whether you admit it or not. Tell me, Se-Severus," he tripped over the name but hurried on, "what scares you so much about asking for help?"



"I am not...scared to ask...for anything!.....Haven't I...been asking you to...leave...for weeks?! Ob-obviously to...no avail!" Snape shouted, his voice straining. "I have faced more ...horrors than ...your feeble little mind ...can imagine, Potter! Vanquishing... the Dark Lord was a ...walk in the park ...compared to the things I have ...been forced to do. ...To keep your ...miserable skin ...intact! How dare you ...intimate... I am scared of ...anything!" The man screamed.



Harry stared at the other in shock. He knew, obviously, that Severus had been a Death Eater at one point - not a spy, but a willing follower of Voldemort's, which meant he must have done some horrible things. Still, Harry wondered, why was Snape so touchy about being called a coward? He remembered back in his 6th year, the other's face contorting into uncontrolled fury at the accusation. It was the only time Harry had ever seen the Potions Master lose his temper utterly. But why?



"Not a coward, eh?" Harry began slowly, “Braver than me? Then why did you never tell my mother how you felt? You keep getting mad about being called a coward Snape, and I know why, it's because you know you ARE one! You never spoke out to my Mother when you had the chance! You let my Dad win! You just gave up! So, yeah, you ARE a coward!"



"I am NOT a coward!!" the man screamed, lunging up from the bed, the same look of uncontrollable rage as before contorting his face. He fell forward on his weak legs, grabbing hold of Harry's shirt as he did, dragging him down with him, forcing him to the floor under him, his face pushed into Harry's. "You miserable little monster!!!... How dare you!!!... How DARE you!!! ...You are the coward, Potter! You and your... filthy father!!! You are EXACTLY alike! Incapable of making a move unless your sycophants are ...by your side, ...incapable of an original thought! You are the coward, Potter, ...throwing your mother in my face! How dare you! I begged for her life, ...on my knees to Dumbledore and again ...on my knees to the Dark Lord! I MURDERED for you, Potter! I begged to be ...allowed to find you, in that ...filthy den of Lupin's where ...you once cursed me, I begged the Dark Lord to be allowed... to find you to save your ...pitiful life and then... I DIED for you, Potter!!” The man, his hands clutched on Harry's shirt was shaking him wildly, banging his head on the floor in his rage. "I DIED for YOU, ...Lily's son, ...because I couldn't save HER, ...I died for YOU!! And you have ...the gall... to throw her in my face? To call ME a coward!!!! HOW DARE YOU?!!"



Harry lay on his back, dazed. Whether from the blows to his head, or to his soul, he couldn't have said. Snape had been frighteningly accurate. He had screamed out all of the things he had done that Harry hadn't even known about, and what had Harry done? Thrown it in Snape's face! Called him a coward. He lay there, eyes wide and staring, not sure what to say to make this right.



Gasping frantically, Snape slumped forward heavily onto Harry. The man was shaking violently all over, his body a dead weight, unable to move himself. "Lily..." he rasped faintly, ".....should have....been ours...."



Harry tugged at the other man, somehow manhandling him back to his bed. Severus was slender, but surprisingly heavy. Or was it just Harry feeling weak after the barrage he had taken? He got an arm around the older man's chest and felt wetness splash onto his bare skin. He frowned. He glanced up at the ceiling, but there was no leak. Another splash on his arm. It trickled around and off. Was this ... Severus? Crying?



Harry felt so lost. Weeks of caring for this man had told him almost nothing about him, but ten minutes of yelling had revealed more than he was comfortable with. And what the hell had Snape's last comment meant? What should have been theirs? And who the hell was Snape on about?



Harry pretended he couldn't see the Potion Master's distress, and instead settled him back down comfortably. The silence between them had stretched to breaking point, and Harry had to speak. "I'm ...sorry," he mumbled, and then it dawned on him who Snape was on about. Lily. His mother. Lily..........should have.........been ours The man was crying over Harry's dead mother, he'd loved her.......and the life they'd never had? Harry looked at the man, recalling what he'd seen in the pensieve: Snape's patronus in the forest. A doe. His mother's doe. He'd loved her all these years, still mourned her, and a life they'd never had together. Harry realised he could understand that. He'd never really known his mother, but he still wished for the life he hadn't had with her.



Grieved for it.



Slowly, almost fearfully, Harry reached forward and pulled the weeping man to himself, his own grief over the same woman welling up.



And held him while they both cried.