Twilight Gardens

Severus knew he had to leave Malfoy Manor. Lucius would never ask it of him but he knew he couldn't stay. Severus couldn't bear to stay with Lucius when he would soon be wed to Narcissa. Yet Severus knew he also couldn't go back home. He hadn't been home in years and if he were to walk through the front door of his family's house, he would scarcely be recognized by anyone. He had nowhere to go. It occurred to him then that Malfoy Manor was really the closest thing to a home he had ever known. Those days were gone. But it was losing Lucius that hurt him the most; not losing the luxury of Malfoy Manor. None of the mansion's bounty would have meant anything to him if he hadn't received it as a gift from Lucius.

As he tossed his handful of floo powder into the fireplace and stepped out into Knockturn Alley, he understood. The hollowness of a loveless existence that Lucius had been trying to explain to him when they were fifteen made sense to him now. Everything was meaningless if there was no love at the core. So there he stood on gloomy, grey Knockturn Alley rooted to nothing. He hadn't really understood Lucius' hollowness in their fifth year. He never fully felt the depth of internal emptiness until that evening alone on Knockturn Alley.

Everywhere he went on Knockturn Alley, there was a swarm of Death Eaters. The sight of their dark cloaks, the sounds of their scheming, the very smell of the place turned his stomach with mysery. He couldn't stay here either, not when the place pulsated with memories of all the moments he and Lucius had shared. The stench of that stale old hopelessness filled his nostrils and invaded his head with dizziness. He stumbled out of Knockturn Alley wanting to go far away from the whole world and never come back.

It wasn't long before he realized how out-of-place he was in Diagon Alley. There was not a fellow Slytherin to be seen. And there were certainly no other Death Eaters. It seemed like every pair of eyes that fell upon him knew hime instantly for what he was. His involvement with Voldemort must have been written across his unmasked face. His head was pounding with the words *Go away! Get away right now!* All he could do was breathe to himself, "But I have nowhere to go."

There was no escape.

Severus ambled into the Leaky Cauldron. He hadn't so much as a knut to his name but he needed to step indoors, just to catch his breath. The dark chill of the rainswept street contrasted sharply to the warmly lit comfort of Malfoy Manor. For a sliver of a second, Severus regretted excusing himself from Lucius' home and even considered turning right back around. *Perhaps,* he thought for an immeasurably short moment, *I could return to Lucius now and he would take me in his arms and tell me he had found a way to inherit without marrying Narcissa. Perhaps we would go and lovingly fuck on the Old Man's grave to spite him for putting us through this separation.*

That would be quite the miracle. Though he did briefly think of it, Severus never believed any of it. He knew he and his kind were beyond miracles. He had always been and would forever be beyond hope. If it is at all possible to be too aware of something, Severus was far too aware of his own hopelessness.