The Phantom of Idiocy

Chapter Twelve

Draco Malfoy sits in the Slytherin common room looking thoughtful as a naked Pansy Parkinson dances enthusiastically in his lap sporting nothing but a pair of boots and a whip.

“Oi Draco,” Crabbe says, “What’s the matter? Pansy’s dancing always at least gets you to look up!”

“Yes honestly, Draco,” Pansy whines, “I can’t shave it any more! What else can I do to get your attention?”

“I’m just not in the mood tonight,” Draco says, “I have other things on my mind…important things…mudblood things… bushy haired buxom brunette things…”

“Now you want me to grow it back?” Pansy cries, “Jesus Christ!”

Draco stands up suddenly. “I need to be alone with my thoughts! Put some fucking clothes on you skank.”

Suddenly Lucius Malfoy walks in. A weak, golden light begins to come in through the window. A sudden breeze stops it. “Dad! I’m really not in the mood; no golden lights, no stroking your robes- just get to the point!”

Lucius takes a moment to eye Pansy and wink obviously at her before speaking. “Well son, I just thought you were in need of a little guidance. We all have…urges…for mudbloods…at some point. That’s what they’re for- the raping.”

“Yes, the raping of course…no sweet love making or tender caressing or—“

“Hold it right there, Draco,” Lucius interrupts, “I am afraid the fair Severus must wed the young Hermione Granger.”

“Hermione? I was talking about Harry Potter! But whatever, I don’t care, he can marry that fucking skank. So she gets some fucking submissive slave pleasure for the rest of her days, what do I care? From what I hear, Snape has some pretty radical sex fantasies.”

“No, no son…from my experience I’ve found Snape to be a doting, adoring sex god…but anyway! Thought you ought to know. I’ll leave you to figure out your own homoerotic issues yourself. We all need to experiment.” Lucius winks awkwardly at Crabbe and Goyle.

Goyle leans over and whispers to Crabbe, “That family has a fucking sex addiction disorder running through their genes. Stupid, incestuous bastards!”

Goyle frowns, “I have to say, I’m a bit intrigued…”

“I bid you all goodnight!” Lucius yells dramatically as he apparates, leaving a golden glow and a sprinkling of pixie dust behind him.

“God, my dad is so gay!” Draco whines as he wanders off towards the bedroom.

“He’s not the only in one in his family,” Pansy mutters, searching around on the floor for her g-string.


Hermione climbs into bed, yawning, ready for a good night’s sleep. She contemplates taking a dreamless sleep draught, but she passes out before reaching the bottle. Immediately, her subconscious takes over, impatient and unwaiting for the REM cycle. A strange dream begins to unfold within the folds of her mind…the creases, the winkles, the pockets, the depths, the darkest corners of them all…if you will…

Anyway, the dream…She’s in potions class…There is a test that day. Draco keeps leaning over her shoulder to copy her answers and to ask personal questions about her and her friends’ sex lives. He seems particularly interested in Harry and his whereabouts. Harry and Ron, however, have been locked in a closet and refuse to come out.

“Ron! Harry! Just get out of the fucking closet! No one cares! We all know you’re in the closet!” Hermione screams.

Draco attempts to open the closet door. “I want to be in the closet, too!” He screams as he throws himself towards the door and makes a Draco-like imprint, which he leaves behind as he falls in and wild animal-like noises proceed to echo from the depths of the dark closet.

Snape rolls his eyes. “Well, now that we’re alone,” he says seductively. The whole class stares, wide-eyed and bewildered. Snape continues to walk towards Hermione; she is shocked. Is this really going to happen during a test with the entire class watching?

Snape proceeds to push aside the cauldron and throw her onto the desk. Hermione tries to stop him, but he takes her anyway. The class applauds at the finish, as the two explode simultaneously.

Hermione then wakes up in a cold sweat. What could that dream have meant? Why were Ron and Harry in the closet? Why was Draco with them? And why was the class applauding? Maybe this is a sign! A sign that society will accept our love! If her friends and family could accept her marriage to Snape, then she can conquer anything! It’s a good thing I had this strange and oddly specific dream to sort these things out. She again slips into sleep.


Draco watches Hermione sleep. He scowls every time she snores. His plan is nearly perfect. Isn’t it so convenient that people never notice when you kidnap them while they slumber!?! He cackles at his own brilliance, as if he is the first to think of the plan. He picks her up and co-apparates to the deatheater’s secret rape-lair…where they do the raping.

Voldemort is waiting in the deatheater’s secret rape-lair, eager for the arrival of the next capture victim. “Draco! You have brought us a gift! Allow me to have the first go?”

“No!” Draco shrieks in a high-pitched girlie voice, “I have something to prove to you all! I am not gay!”

“None of us said you were,” the deatheaters all state in unison in an honest tone.

“Nonetheless, I am proving it once and for all as I rape this young girl who seems to be slumbering deeply. So deeply in fact that none of this has stirred her. HER. I am going to rape a female…a female, she is clearly a woman. She has breasts… and as we will soon all discover, that other thing that shall remain nameless, because it makes me squirm and squeal to speak the word aloud…”

Voldemort stares in shock as Draco proceeds to clumsily and confusedly discover the female garments and remove them. “Get on with it, Draco,” he yells, “I want my turn!”

Hermione still does not wake up. She snores loudly and rolls over conveniently onto her back, palms upward in the yoga position commonly referred to as acceptance. Draco loses her virginity in front of a crowd of people, but is somehow unsatisfied with the way he feels.

Voldemort is next, but Hermione still continues to slumber. Lucius follows, then every other deatheater present takes a turn with the sleeping Hermione. She bleeds wildly, but that only seems to make everyone more aroused. Snape is last. He is sweating bullets as he sees his precious, darling angel broken and mangled, still ignorantly slumbering. As he is about to prove to his fellow deatheaters that he is not a pussy, Hermione wakes up.

“You were going to rape me!” She yells at Snape, “Did you do this to me? How could you?” she continues to bleed wildly, despite the fact that she was not a virgin and had been present at many gangbangs prior.

“No, no! You’ve got it all wrong!” Snape cries, beside himself with grief.

“Do I? Do I? Well there’s only one way to solve this situation! I’m going back in time to erase this!” She conveniently pulls a time-turner out of her pocket of the clothes she is no longer wearing and shakes it a few times, wildly not caring that she accidentally set the time turner back 21 years instead of 2 hours.

“Hermione! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” Snape yells as he watches her slowly fade into the darkest depths of time…Despite the fact that her present self still remained on. This is all too complicated for any of the characters in the story to understand and therefore they stare about bewildered, turning their attention to the following plotline, which actually occurs in the past, 21 years prior.


Hermione finds herself at Hogwarts, but something seems different. The colors are slightly more dull and everything has a very retro feel to it. “I don’t remember two hours ago feeling like this,” Hermione mumbles, “But I guess I’ll roll with it.”

She wanders about, slowly realizing that none of the student body is recognizable. She thinks she sees Harry and goes to ask him what is going on. It turns out to be Harry’s father, James Potter.

“Hey baby,” James says, ruffling his hair sexily and giving her a quirky side grin, “Wanna go for a ride around the quidditch pitch with me tonight? You can shine my broomstick anytime.”

Hermione finds herself oddly intrigued, but shakes her head, realizing she has a task. “I’m looking for Severus Snape. Have you seen him?”

“That greasy git,” James says, “I hung him up by his ankles outside a minute ago, being the popular Gryffindor git that I am. My friends and the whole student body had a good laugh at his expense.”

“Errr, thanks,” Hermione says and runs outside to find Snape.

“Severus Snape! I need to speak with you,” Hermione calls.

“Who are you? I’ve never seen you before in my life.”

“Suffice to say, I am a student of yours from the future. We will fall in love with each other and we will make sweet, sweet love. Then the deatheaters will rape me, but I will assume that it was all your fault. I will go back in time to solve the issue, and in the process makes sweet, sweet love to you. Then I will return to the future and marry you and everything will be wonderful and glorious. I intended only to travel two hours back in time, but twenty years seem to have gone by backwards…I guess I just like the shiny colors I get to see as I spin the time-turner a bit too much…”

Snape stares, taken aback. But proceeds to lead her away into an empty classroom, where he fucks her brains out. “Now here’s a time-turner,” he says almost nicely, “Hurry back into the future and make sure I get to sleep with you again, because that was one hell of a ride…and I want to do it again over and over for all of eternity…As long as you promise to hold me afterwards next time…”

“I said no cuddling, didn’t I?!?!” Hermione says angrily, snatching the time-turner from his grasp. She shakes it around a bit, grinning at the pretty colors, and spins it exactly 21 years ahead of time and finds herself in the cave.

She finds herself in blinding, agonizing, searing, pain. “What the fuck?!?!” She yells as she looks down and a naked 21 year old man crawls out from between her legs.

“You dumb bitch!” it says, “Never have sex and time turn! Wizards fly around with that bumper sticker everywhere and you ignored it! I’ve been in the womb far too long and am going to experience deep-rooted emotional issues for the rest of my mere pathetic existence! Now let me breast feed!”

Snape is deeply disturbed, especially because the man looks exactly as he did at age 21. “You dumb bitch,” Snape says angrily, “You can’t go back in time and change the future! Daniel Greenberger and Karl Svozil proposed that quantum theory gives a model for time travel without paradoxes. In quantum theory observation causes possible states to 'collapse' into one measured state; hence, the past observed from the present is deterministic (it has only one possible state), but the present observed from the past has many possible states until our actions cause it to collapse into one state. Our actions will then be seen to have been inevitable.
Since all possibilities exist, any paradoxes can be explained by having the paradoxical events happening in a different universe. This concept is most often used in science-fiction. However, in actuality, physicists believe that such interaction or interference between these histories is not possible (see Chronology protection conjecture).”

“Severus, are you quoting wikipedia?”

“Wikipedia is the new crack, Hermione!” Snape yells, appalled and outraged, “Don’t even think about letting our son near that stuff!”

“OUR son? Where were you the past 21 years?”

Severus Snape, Junior sits in the corner, contemplating both his existence and how it makes no sense and certainly the fact that his mother is younger than he is and also the repercussions of suicide.

All of a sudden, Hermione feels rather light headed, maybe due to the fact that a fully grown man has just emerged from her loins. She falls to the ground and hits her head rather hard on a sharp rock. Snape and Snape Jr rush to her side. When she wakes up, she stares at the two men blankly.

“Who are you?” She asks, “You sure are sexy,” she says, gesturing to her son. “You can shine my broomstick anytime!”

The two men stare at her in shock and confusion, the younger shudders in disgust. “This woman is fucked up!” He states and returns to his corner, adding another pro to the suicide pros and cons list.

“Hermione Granger,” The older man says, “That man is your son! And I am the father.”

“Impossible! I’d much rather sleep with him,” Hermione says, “you’re old!”

“But I am a doting sex god! Allow me to explain the life you lived before this tragic and confusing, scarring incident of rape, pregnancy, time travel and memory loss all occurred within the last 20 minutes.”

“Well alright,” Hermione says, still staring at her son.

“I suppose I should start from the very beginning. You see, I’ve always loved you. Ever since the defeat of a Dark Lord named Voldemort, who mysteriously returned to this plotline when a rape cave appeared. Anywho, you lost your poor, poor dentist parents in a tragic war, and had little comfort. I was your comfort. I lured you into my dark, dungeon lair with sweet music and a clever disguise to make beautiful, doting love to you. Then, fate stepped in and a marriage law was passed, which required underage wizards to marry older ones, and repopulate the wizarding community. I was only too happy to wed you, but I was afraid you would not have me as a husband, due to my dark and mysterious past, none of which I have ever revealed to you. However, last night, you were kidnapped by a stupid gay boy who wanted to prove he was straight, which he isn’t, by raping you in front of a gang of death eaters. He did so, and all the death eaters proceeded to gang bang you afterwards. When it was required of me to step forward and contribute to said gang bang, you awoke from quite a deep slumber, bleeding profusely, and outraged that I would perform such an act. Before I had time to explain, you threw yourself 21 years into the past using a timeturner-“

“HUGE mistake, by the way!” Snape Jr. yells from the corner, before proceeding to slit his own throat. No one takes notice.

Without skipping a beat, Snape continues. “You forced my past self to impregnate you, before throwing yourself back to the present with my seed in you. This tragic combination of time travel and sex produced tragic results, which I’m afraid will permanently taint whatever relationship we will have, but onward and upward, as I always say, eh?” Snape says hopefully, as the two glance around at the grotesque scene surrounding them- spent death eaters, a dead son, and Hermione torn open.

“Oh, now I remember,” Hermione says, “Thanks for jogging my memory, Snapeypoo.” She gives him a deep, passionate kiss, “I’m sorry for overreacting. PMS and Magic should never mix!”

“I forgive you Hermionepoo,” Snape replies, “Now let us return to Hogwarts, so that you can graduate and we can be wed!”


With the graduation ceremonies over and all the children leaving to catch the train home, Snape and Hermione stand together teary eyed. Hermione has just been offered the position of Transfiguration Professor at Hogwarts, as Dumbledore has decided to sack McGonagall who’s efforts to fuck Dumbledore have gotten a little too outrageous in recent times. She, in a state of profound anger, had revealed to everyone that she and Trelawney are in fact one and the same. It’s hard to explain exactly how she can be in two places at once, but be assured that she is a very talented and very crazy witch. Dumbledore, however, is not impressed.

In fact, Dumbledore is giving one last go at trying to convince Harry to stay on as his permanent play-thing. Harry, however, does not think that his heart can take it, especially now that he and Draco and Ron have discovered the joys of each other’s company. As Harry makes his way to the leaving train, Dumbledore flings himself at Harry’s feet in a last, desperate attempt to make him stay. He grasps Harry’s ankles and says, “No, m’boy, you cannot leave me! I will take back your diploma! If you leave, the twinkle in my eye shall vanish as well!”

“Good!” Ron says, “It was always bloody annoying trying to look you in the eye anyway!”

Outraged at Dumbledore’s attempt to steal his lover, Ron jumps to Dumbledore’s ankles, trying to pull him away from Harry.

“Wait for me, my love!” Draco yells as throws himself dramatically to the ground and grabs onto Ron’s ankles.

McGonagall in a state of anger, assuming that all the boys are attempting to make love to Dumbledore, attaches herself to the end of this odd train, triyng to detach Draco and Ron, but to no avail.

The rest of the school, thinking it a Hogwarts tradition, join the awkward ankle-train and yell, “Onward to the Hogwarts Express!”

Harry, completely at a loss, tries to drag the train of staff and students towards the train for home. He makes slow progress, inching along at not even a snail’s pace. “What the fuck is going on?” He yells in agony and screams as his ankle breaks when Hagrid grabs on to the last student of the ankle-train.

Hermione and Snape look on, laughing knowingly as they think of their amazing romantic life together as wed professor and professor of Hogwarts where Snape can proceed to make sweet, sweet love to Hermione for all eternity and then hold her in the spoon position.

THE END

The authors would just like to say thank you for all your support for the previous chapters. Those, unlike this, were written without the aid of coffee served in bowls, Indian take away, and mescalin. Just kidding about the drugs. Sorry we misspelled it. GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK.