One wish alone have I

Chapter 12 (part 1)
The full moon came…

It was two nights after my first encounter with the Dark Lord. I remember it very well; it was November 22nd, and Catalina\'s rebirth day. It was around eleven in the evening and I was about to sit down at the dinner table with Remus when we heard someone come in through the front door. Remus and I looked at each other, both with questions and answers in our eyes. Neither of us were expecting someone that evening. We did not have to wait long before the identity of our unexpected visitor became known to us. Both Remus and I discerned discreet and light footsteps in the stairs leading to the basement. Soon after, a tall man wrapped in a large black cloak appeared on the doorstep; a wave of heat ran down my back. It was Severus. Seeing that we were about to have dinner, he stopped at the end of the staircase.

“I am sorry to disturb you at an inconvenient time,” he said, in his usually controlled voice. “I did not expect that you would have dinner so late… I guess I am too used to the Hogwarts’ schedule.”

“Not at all, Severus. It is our pleasure to have you here, on the contrary!” I said, smiling broadly. “What a pleasant surprise!”

“Antanasia and I made compromises about our mutual schedules,” Remus explained, before sitting at the table. “She wakes up a bit earlier and I go to sleep a bit later. That way, we can accommodate each other’s habits easier. But that delays dinner quite considerably.”

“What brings you here so late, Severus? Is there something wrong?” I asked, motioning for him to sit down with us.

“Nothing is wrong; I have received no news from the Dark Lord so far. My coming here has a rather practical purpose, I suppose. I came here to deliver something for you,” he said, staying right where he was.

“What is it?”

“Can I speak to you in private?” he asked, in a rather authoritarian tone that did not really give me the choice but to follow him.

“Certainly. Remus, please do not wait for me; I will reheat my potion once I am back,” I said, following Severus to the staircase.

We went upstairs, straight to my bedroom. On the way up, I wondered what could make Severus act so boldly… and became more and more curious, with each step, about the reason that made him want to talk to me “in private”, in my bedroom! He stopped in front of the closed door, though, and politely asked for the permission to enter. Once I granted it, he came in and with a furtive and quick glance surveyed the room, starting from the floor, and continuing to a chair in the corner. I guessed he was looking for his white shirt, which he had probably seen on the floor two nights before. But he did not find it. It was very carefully hidden from view under my pillow. However, I was too curious about Severus\'s presence here, and I forgot that detail.

Severus turned to me, and retrieved a small object from his pocket.

“Last time I came here, I noticed that you had no coffin. Given your present situation, I assumed that you would not easily find one and I guess your condition will soon require you to sleep in one.”

“You guessed correctly. It is starting to show indeed,” I said, in all honesty.

“That is why I talked to Dumbledore and we managed to find one for you. It arrived today, and I thought I would not waste time and bring it here to you myself.”

“Are you serious? You did that?” I exclaimed, not believing my own ears.

“Is it that surprising?” he replied, sounding slightly irritated.

“No, not at all! It is just unexpected,” I hurriedly answered.

“Where do you want it?”

“I guess if you put it on the bed frame… it would be just high enough. I think it can handle it,” I said, examining the frame in question. “Just let me remove the pillow and mattress…”

I grabbed the pillow first, and then looked for a place to put it. Once I found one in the wardrobe in the back of the room, I realised what I had just uncovered. The shirt was there, neatly folded, clashing with its usual white exuberance against the dark sheets. Severus was fumbling through his pockets, retrieving his wand and looking elsewhere, but the slight sneer at the corner of his lips told me that he had seen it, too. Without a word, I took it and put it on the chair, feeling a dangerously growing nervous lump in my throat.

“And there you go, Antanasia! You look like a sentimental fool,” I thought.

“Do you need help with the mattress?” he asked, as neutrally as if he were offering me a cup of tea.

“I will be fine, thank you,” I replied, in the same tone. “Wingardium Leviosa!”

The mattress floated in the air and landed right on the other bed, in the other corner of the room. Severus placed the small object that was hidden in his palm in the middle of the bed frame.

“Engorgio!” he pronounced, waving his wand.

And the object grew back to its natural size. I gasped in surprise.

“That coffin is superb, Severus!”

“It is made of maple wood with a cherry varnish. Dumbledore thought it would be more feminine.”

“And Dumbledore probably also knew about my love for nature, which explains the golden vine patterns all over the lid and sides?” I teased, caressing the surface of the coffin with an obvious admiration.

“The inside is all covered in white silk; not too warm, but it still offers a soft touch,” he continued, as if he had not heard what I had just said.

“Severus…” I said in a reproachful tone.

“We opted for a Wizarding model rather than Muggle one; that is why there are no handles on the sides. It has been protected with the proper series of anti-jinx spells and regenerating charms, and even a--”

“Severus!”

“What?” he snapped, as if I had interrupted a lecture of his.

“Did you buy this coffin for me?”

“Why should you care?” he retorted.

“Because I want to know who should receive my gratitude. Tell me the truth, Severus… you are the one who bought the coffin… and the supplies I received on my first night here?”

“What could make you think that, I wonder…?” he grumbled.

“How come you knew there was a bottle of Leukoscotch downstairs two nights ago if you are not the one who bought it in the first place?” I replied, as softly as I could.

“I might have contributed, in some way,” he finally admitted, very reluctantly.

Before he could move away, I walked to him and, putting a hand on his arm, gave him a light kiss on the cheek. He shrugged his shoulders, in a way that reminded me of a child’s reaction when his mother kisses him in front of all his little friends before he leaves for school. In fact, I would not have been surprised if I had seen him wipe the kiss off his cheek with his shoulder or sleeve. That thought only made me smile.

“Thank you, Severus. The bottle is excellent… and the coffin is splendid. But I cannot accept this like that.”

“What do you mean?” he said, frowning.

“I am deeply touched by these gifts, but really, you do not have to give me all this. I wish to reimburse you.”

“Do not be ridiculous, Antanasia! How could you reimburse me anyway?” he retorted, as if I had said something particularly stupid.

“I have found a means of remuneration, Severus. The same I had when I last lived in London. It does not pay much, but it pays enough for me to provide for my needs… and a part of someone else’s, now that I do not have to pay any rent.”

“Oh, so you play the Good Samaritan with Lupin, now? How very, very noble of you, really,” he sneered. “And I would bet ten Galleons that you are giving him your own personal therapeutic attention, too?”

“Yes, yes I do. And I really do not see why I would not offer these services if they can relieve some of his symptoms,” I replied, with a mounting tension in my voice. “Now, correct me if I am wrong, Severus, but though you call me a Good Samaritan, what you just gave me here is really not that far from charity.”

“Look at me, very carefully,” he said, narrowing his eyes in a calculating expression that I really did not like. “Do I look like the type of wizard who would do charity for anyone?”

“Honestly? You do not. And I would bet ten Galleons that it is one of the reasons why Remus is still transforming every month; he cannot afford any Wolfsbane!”

“I was under the impression that I did not look like a walking potions dispenser, either,” he murmured, his voice most displeasingly intense with indignation. “Anyway, now that he has you…” he sneered.

“Let us keep Remus out of this conversation, ok? He is not the point, anyway!” I exclaimed, feeling the mounting tension reaching dangerous levels of intensity.

“Agreed,” he said, walking towards the door.

“Wait a minute! We did not solve the problem, here!” I said.

“There is no problem here, Antanasia,” he articulated, with obvious exasperation in his voice. “Things are extraordinarily simple, on the contrary. You needed a coffin; I brought you one. If you do not want from it, just say so and I will take it right back with me.”

“I did not say that, Severus! This coffin is lovely and it looks wonderfully comfortable! All I said was that--”

“Good evening, then,” he snapped, before he abruptly turned back and walked to the staircase in a whirl of billowing black robes.

I did argue, all the way downstairs, repeating that we could at least agree on a way for me to reimburse him. He walked straight to the door and slammed it shut behind him. I did not bother to walk outside after him; I knew that he would not listen. Still a bit emotional from the confrontation, I walked downstairs with heavy steps. Remus was finishing his meal when I grabbed a chair and sat down moodily, huffing in exasperation.

“So, what did he want?” he asked, with an amused smile at the corner of his lips.

“He brought me a coffin. He said Dumbledore had contributed, but I bet you he paid for it all himself.”

“Why are you so upset, then? Weren’t you looking forward to sleeping in a coffin again?”

“Well… I did not want him to pay for it all by himself! You should see it, it is a real work of art! I wanted to reimburse him… I did tell him I was happy, I thanked him, of course, but somehow we managed to argue and… it ended rather abruptly. Why do things always have to end in a bitter way with that man? Why do we always have to end up having an argument?” I exclaimed, tapping my fingers nervously against the table.

Remus said nothing and took his empty plate to the kitchen. He was not smiling anymore. He took a few minutes to rinse everything a bit more carefully than usual, and then took some more time to put the leftovers in the refrigerant cupboard. When he finally came back to me, he seemed to be in a better mood. I began to read him better and better with each passing night; when Remus was walking like that, shoulders relaxed with his hands in his pockets like he did not have a care in the world, that usually meant that he was in a talking mode. Even more so if he was humming an old song, but that was not the case that evening.

“Do you want me to pour you some of your potion? I kept it over a low flame for you,” he said, in a soft voice that I had grown very fond of.

“I am not too hungry, but now that it is offered so kindly… I guess my appetite would come back quite quickly if you promised me a good chess game in front of the fireplace while I feed…”

“You’ve got it,” he said, smiling again.

~*~

We did not hear from Severus again the rest of the month. Remus did not seem to worry too much about it. Apparently, the Hogwarts teacher was not very fond of giving regular news. I guessed our argument during his last visit did not help the matter much. Nevertheless, at first I worried about his silence, but Remus slowly made me turn my mind away from Severus. Little by little, I learned how to appreciate our intimacy. Most of our time was spent together. Curiously, I did not seem to get tired of or annoyed by his presence. In my opinion, Remus was the ideal roommate for me. He was grumpy in the morning indeed, as he said. I had suffered from my usual insomnia more intensely one day, and I had met a lycanthropy-like moodiness down in the kitchen. Apparently, there is such thing as a pre- and post-tea disposition with Remus. The one I had encountered that morning was definitely pre-tea….

But usually when I got up, Remus was already in his post-tea disposition, and he almost invariably welcomed me with a large grin when I entered the kitchen. We then spent the rest of the day and almost half of the night together. Most of the time, I ended my nights alone by the fireplace, enjoying a bit of solitude before I went to my coffin. I got other contracts with Charles that took us for short trips to Scotland and Ireland, and we always found a few spare hours to enjoy the surroundings. Remus was very fond of long walks and so was I, as you know very well by now. I remember one morning, on the last day of October, when Remus had insisted that we stayed in Scotland until dawn and waited for the sun to rise. The sight was simply breath taking; the sunlight was crystal clear in the crisp coldness of that morning and we watched, speechless, that pure light, as it revealed splendid valleys and mountains all around us. The landscape might not have been the most joyful to see at that time of the year, as most of the trees had lost their leaves, but there was something about the authenticity, the simplicity, and the nakedness of nature that charmed my senses.

I got lost in the moment and just enjoyed the various smells the wind was carrying to us. It had rained during the night, so the air was still heavy with humidity, and was impregnated with a most pleasant earthy smell which mixed with that of the dead leaves, spread in a scarce way all over the ground, like a very, very old carpet. I could feel Cerridwen, close to my heart as ever, vibrate under my feet and slowly, little by little, from leaf to branch, put nature into a deeper sleep in the preparation of winter. It took me a while before I turned to my right and realised that Remus was no longer at my side. I quickly found him, though; he was a few yards away from me, sitting on an immense rock. His glance was lost somewhere along that fine line that separated the earth from the sky. His elbows were leaning on his knees, and his chin rested thoughtfully on his joined hands. The breeze played with his greying hair and his heavily patched cloak, and offered a striking contrast with the rest of his body, which was completely still. I noticed the shadows underneath his eyes; they were darkening more and more ever since a few nights ago, while his face had become a bit paler with the passing days. It was coming, and he could feel it.

I first considered leaving him to his silent reverie and did not dare to disturb him. But a few minutes later, I saw him blink a couple of times and got a glimpse of two furtive tears that rolled to the middle of his cheeks before they got wiped away by the cold morning breeze. I walked to him slowly, to avoid startling him, and just sat next to him. We sat like that in silence for a while and I patiently waited for him to speak. But it did not happen. A quick Legilimency check informed me that he was very sad, indeed. And terribly lonely, at that very moment.

“Would you prefer me to leave you alone, Remus?” I softly asked.

“On the contrary. That’s the last thing I want you to do, right now,” he said, still looking at the horizon.

“Then will you tell me what it is that makes you so sad?” I replied, putting a comforting hand on his arm.

He only let out a long sigh and, looking down to my hand on his arm, took it in both of his. I let him fondle my palm with his thumbs, tracing each and every line he could see on it. He slid his thumb and index along each of my fingers before he finally spoke.

“I only miss my friend, Antanasia. I wish he were there these days. I cannot say he has always given good advice, but I definitely need his opinion right now….”

“Can I be of any help?”

“I’m afraid not,” he said, in a bittersweet tone. “No, I’m afraid it’s my good old Padfoot that I would need right now… or Prongs, for that matter.”

“Who are they?” I asked, a little puzzled.

“Sirius was an Animagus; he could Transfigure into a dog. Padfoot was his nickname when we were at school. Prongs was another friend of ours, his name was James. He could Transfigure into a stag…”

“Could?”

“Yes. He died too, fifteen years ago. He was killed by Voldemort; his wife died the same night.”

“You and James were close friends?” I asked, after a small pause.

“Oh yes! Sirius, James and I were always together at school. There was a fourth member in the group, but well… let’s simply say that he is as good as dead to me; he became Voldemort’s servant and spy, long ago. He is the reason why James and his wife were killed.”

I felt Remus’ heart sink lower into sadness. I grabbed his fingers, which were still absentmindedly playing with my hand, and held them intertwined with mine.

“Do you think of them often?”

“Sirius\'s death is still very recent. If you knew how many things there are at the Headquarters that remind me of him, Antanasia! Sometimes, I even have to leave the place and just walk outside for a while. It becomes intolerable at times,” he said, in a very hoarse voice.

“I can imagine…” I replied, as I felt a tiny warm drop land discreetly on my wrist.

“And James, well… you never forget a friend who has been that close to you; his wife was adorable, too. At least I can say that their loss became a bit less painful with the passing years.”

“I would like to hear about them, Remus… you spoke a few times about how you feel their absence in your life; you did not tell me much about how they have shared in it,” I suggested, putting an empathic hand against his back.

It seemed like I had pressed the right button. Remus seemed so eager to share his memories with someone; it was as if he had never had the occasion to do it before. That is how I heard about the friends he made at school, how they accepted his lycanthropy and even managed to have fun during full moons, strolling along deserted streets in Hogsmeade. He told me how they had slowly matured into young adults, how they all had a life filled with promises in front of them before fate had struck them all, in a matter of days, throwing him in a solitude that would last for many long years… and that was still very present in his life at the time.

By the time he stopped speaking, the sun was starting to be very intense for me. He noticed it, too, and rose to his feet, suggesting that we should Apparate back in front of the house on Grimmauld Place. Before we did, however, I took him by the shoulders and plunged my eyes in his.

“See, these friends can still be completely alive, for you. You knew them well and they were very dear to your heart, that is most obvious to me. You do not need them to physically be here with you to know their advice. I am sure you already know what each of them would tell you.”

“I guess so…” he replied, with a dreamy smile on his lips that told me he was still lost in a few old memories. “Thank you, Antanasia.”

And, as naturally as if we had always done it, we wrapped ourselves in each other’s arms. Remus\'s embrace was particularly strong that day, and it took him a few minutes before he let go of me. Curiously, I felt better than I had felt in months.

~*~

“Still no news from Zaharia or the Russians?” I asked Dumbledore, as he invited Remus and me to sit down in his office.

“Severus has not heard from Voldemort since his last meeting. Things are very calm, right now. It might be a good or a bad thing. From what Shacklebolt tells me, things are the same at the Ministry; no activity has been reported in weeks.”

“Do you think we should call a meeting and discuss the possibility of sending fake news from Zaharia to Voldemort?” said Remus.

“Not yet. It is only November 2nd; from what Antanasia told us, we still have time before Lady Marilena’s meeting with Lord Pietr takes place.”

“Most probably. But I would not advise us to wait too long in November. A good thing is that the Dark Lord did not seem to send any other emissary to cainite Clans anywhere else in Europe, at least.”

“Severus would have told us about it. How are you two getting along? Is the cohabitation tolerable at Grimmauld Place?” he asked, his eyes twinkling mischievously.

“Most certainly! We have not quarrelled too much so far,” I said, my eyes twinkling in return.

“Antanasia is helping me with a new treatment to control my… symptoms. The big test is in two nights; I’m anxious to see how it will go.”

“You will do fine, I am sure,” I replied. “That makes me think, however…. Headmaster, would it be possible for you to spread the word around that it would be better not to contact us, the night of the 4th? Or come to the house? It would really be bad to break the Legilimency link. I do not have the luxury of using the resources I had in Zaharia, so we can only work properly on full moons. And once the link is lost…”

“I cannot promise you that you will not be disturbed at all; there could be an emergency. But I can definitely filter the messages, in a manner of speaking.”

“Thank you, Headmaster.”

“I thought we had agreed on Albus, before?”

“Unless we were in the presence of students…” I said, tilting my head towards Remus, who was proudly wearing a red and gold scarf.

“I take it you also came for the Quidditch game this morning, as Remus wrote me. We should go to the pitch, then; the game should begin in less than twenty minutes.”

“Is it still ok for us to hide on the top of the staff’s tower?”

“You could even sit with us; I have no objections!” he said. “Especially with the heavy rain that has been falling outside for two days. You will be soaking wet in no time.”

“I don’t want to be asked too many questions,” said Remus, “and I know my look is not too healthy at the moment.”

“Not to mention his companion, who will be wearing sunglasses despite the dreadful weather, and with quite a matching complexion!”

“I said that you could sit with us; whether you want to be seen or not is your personal choice. If you want to remain concealed, however, I suggest you hurry; teachers will start arriving soon. The seats in the back are always less popular. At least, you will be protected from the rain… and sun.”

“Perfect, then,” said Remus happily. “Who is playing today?”

“Gryffindor against Slytherin.”

“Great, it will be a fun game to watch!”

“Indeed,” said the Headmaster, mysteriously. “That kind of game usually proves to be very interesting to watch, whether it is in the pitch… or elsewhere.”

He accompanied us to the door, and on my way out I slightly bowed my head in the direction of Hectorius Archer, who was Headmaster when I attended the school. He smiled and bowed back. I noticed that one of the portraits on the wall was staring at me, on Professor Archer’s left. I stopped and stared back; it was the portrait of a black-haired man with a pointy beard and a fine moustache wearing purple robes. He looked quite nonchalant and superior. I was about to ask him the reason for his behaviour, when Remus’ voice echoed from the staircase.

“Are you coming, Antanasia? We’d better hurry up, now!”

“Yes, yes!” I exclaimed, following him. “We will see you in the tower on the pitch, Headmaster!”

We hurriedly walked to the pitch, already hidden under a camouflage spell that made us blend perfectly with our surroundings. By the time we reached the staff tower, however, we were already quite wet and I started regretting having accepted Remus’ suggestion to come and watch the game despite the weather. But after all, I had indeed specified that I preferred a cloudy sky and that is exactly what I had. In addition, Remus looked as excited as a child; his interest in Quidditch was obvious and I did not want to spoil his morning. I only uttered a few moody things under my breath about that “bloody English weather” and that “bloody impossible time to have a Quidditch match,” but Remus did not hear me, fortunately. By the time we reached our seats, I had stopped complaining. Out loud, I mean.

No one was sitting in the tower when we arrived. Remus and I sat in the back, as Dumbledore had suggested. We even had a few extra minutes to dry and warm ourselves, thanks to Remus\'s skills with his wand. Feeling dry robes against my skin greatly improved my mood, I must admit, to the point that I asked him to remind me of the game’s rules. He barely had time to explain them to me before we heard footsteps on the stairs.

Minerva arrived first, accompanied by two other teachers, a goblin and a plump little witch. They talked animatedly, reminding each other about the best moments of the last match, in which Gryffindor had won with flying colours much to Minerva’s pride, obviously. Slowly, students and teachers started arriving and filled the rows of seats around the pitch. I let my eyes drift on the excited crowd that walked on the grounds, hidden under umbrellas and proudly wearing the colours of their respective Houses. I put my hand next to Remus’s head, until my fingers met his temple, allowing me to locate his ear despite the camouflage charm.

“The scarves are cute!” I whispered, putting my lips right next to his ear. “When I was a student, we used to lace our corsets with our Houses colours instead. A bit more discreet, but still!”

“What? You were a Hogwarts student before?” he asked, sounding surprised and pressing his cheek against my temple.

“I was. I graduated in 1731.”

“What House were you in?”

“Not yours, from the colours I see on your scarf! I was in Ravenclaw.”

“Splendid! That way, we won’t end up fighting at the end of the match…” he teased, as the tip of his lips brushed against my ear.

“Now, that would be interesting!” I purred, before a familiar sound froze my giggles in my throat.

Severus was there; the sound of his silky voice was absolutely unmistakable from that of anyone else. Remus must have felt me startle, because he removed his cheek from my temple and did not reply. I turned and looked in front of me. Severus was talking to Minerva. She was politely but briskly wishing him good luck on the match. He did the same, emphasising that the Slytherin team had been doing extra training during the last few weeks and would most certainly be a strong opponent. I held my breath as he sat two rows in front of us. As he did, I saw his head snap to the left, as if he had heard something behind him. Remus and I did not make a sound, but my senses were alert and tense. Severus said he had felt my presence next to him when I had flown with him over the Carpathians. For some reason that eluded me, if he had felt my presence despite my Transfiguration, a camouflage spell would certainly not make it less salient to him. As I looked at him while he listened, staying perfectly still, I feverishly debated whether I regretted accepting Remus’s offer or not. A part of me was still irritated from the argument we had had about the coffin, of course, but the other part…

The other part waited for a sign of recognition, a nod, a glance, something that would tell me he had acknowledged my presence behind him. But he simply turned back to the front and never gave that sign to me. I know, I should have known better by that time, but what my head could perfectly figure out, my heart could not, and it kept hoping during the whole match.

And it was quite a match indeed! First of all, from what I remembered, the broomsticks were not so acrobatic when I attended Hogwarts. I almost gasped in surprise when someone from the Gryffindor team flew near our tower in a flash of red and gold robes.

“That’s Harry!” whispered Remus excitedly, in my ear. “He is the Seeker on the Gryffindor team, as I told you. His friend Ron, one of Arthur and Molly’s children, is at the other end of the pitch; he is the team’s Keeper.”

“Are they out of their minds to let fledglings so young ride broomsticks at such a speed?”

“Come on, Antanasia! It’s part of the fun!”

“But they never had accidents before?” I argued.

“It’s happened. But that doesn’t prevent them from keeping on playing! Nobody forced them to mount these broomsticks; those kids love it. Listen to the crowd!”

The crowd was cheering their favourite team with feverish enthusiasm indeed. If we had not been incognito, I think Remus would have done just the same. Minerva was in a similar state: she sat on the edge of her seat and waited eagerly for the game to begin. From what I understood of the match, both teams were strong and skilled. The Slytherin team stayed a little behind, but after a while, they made goal after goal. Some of them were tainted with rather violent offensive strategies, but I said nothing to Remus, to avoid sounding boring and conventional again.

Severus stayed seated on the bench, applauding calmly after each of his House’s team goals. I felt a certain tension emanate from him; I saw it in his shoulders that were squared and pulled back a tad more than usual, just like his whole posture that was stiffer. He became a bit more animated when the two Seekers started to chase the Snitch. His eyes did not lose the smallest of their movements until, in an impressive plunge, the Slytherin Seeker finally caught it, much to the deception of Remus and that of an impressive part of the crowd. Severus rose from his seat and gave his team a standing ovation, just like all the students in his House did. Slytherin did not win by much, but enough to make it a fair victory.

“Congratulations,” I risked, attempting a Legilimency link that I had not used in weeks.

I did not feel any resistance, to my surprise. It went right through his barriers and reached his mind, as if he had been listening just in case. But that fact did not change things much. Severus kept applauding his team until they finally went back to their locker room, then he politely shook Minerva’s offered hand. He disappeared on the staircase quickly after telling her that he wanted to congratulate his students in person. He did not look back once.

Dumbledore, beaming and chattering with the teachers around him, winked us goodbye before he left. As soon as the last teacher disappeared onto the staircase, Remus let out his indignation.

“Did you see that match? Oh, Harry must be so disappointed! And those Beaters on the Slytherin team, they should have received far more penalties than that!”

“Well, there is always a winner and a loser, Remus!” I said, obviously failing to share his indignation.

The crowd left the pitch pretty quickly; the rain was still falling heavily and the students probably longed for dry clothes and a warm fire. So did I. And among them, my little prince walked towards the castle, probably talking animatedly to his friends about his House’s defeat, but I did not see him, nor had I thought to look for him in the crowd during the match. When I realised it, it was too late. He was definitely not among the few students running to the front door, their scarves were green and silver.

Remus removed our camouflage spells and led the way downstairs. I let him take me away from Hogwarts grounds on his broomstick. I did not look back once. I did promise myself, though, that I would not let a black-haired wizard keep my mind away from the other things that were happening around me. Not again.

~*~

At long last, the evening of November 4th arrived. Remus’ mood had been difficult during the past two days. The influence of the coming full moon rendered him a bit more emotional than usual and I fully remembered what it was like to live with a lycanthropic when I found us arguing over who had misplaced the salt and pepper. Remus was convinced he had placed them in their usual cupboard… and found them in the drawing room instead. He had brought them there when having breakfast hours earlier, of course, but accused me first all the same. My sleep deprivation because of the Quidditch match had made me quite irritable, too. I think it is more the fact that I had not known Remus for too long than a so-called professional patience that prevented me from really snapping at him that evening.

Luckily for us, when he left to change his clothes to “shreadable” clothes, as he called them, I fell in my armchair next to the fireplace and took some time to regain my composure. I tried to focus on the fact that all of that bad mood would be gone by the morning, which helped relatively little, until my eyes met something that made me smile. A saltcellar and pepper pot, most inconveniently forgotten right on the mantelpiece.

Remus was more and more nervous as the moon rose in the sky. We went to his usual room at the end of the corridor on the fifth floor, and we reviewed the things we had discussed during previous nights, notably the signs by which he would indicate he was ready to let me release a bit of my Legilimency link, giving him more autonomy. He did consider tying himself to the wall a couple of times until I left the room, despite all the arguments we had had about that before. I barely had time to reassure him once again about my capacity to defend myself before the moon reached its critical position and started to affect him.

No matter how many times you witness a lycanthropy attack, you never become insensitive to it, believe me. Obviously, it is always worse when you care about the person who transforms before you. Clenching my teeth, I plunged my glance into Remus\'s eyes, which were already dilated. Fortunately, he received my presence in his mind, just like we had rehearsed before. That did not prevent him from hurriedly walking back to the other side of the room as soon as the connection was made, but he mentally stayed with me, at least. The hardest part came as I watched, powerless, how his body betrayed him once more, stretching and growing to painful extents until his skin and bones finally gave in and took another shape. I did my best to encourage him through it all, but his screams of pain soon made me silent.

He stayed on his side of the room for quite a while, looking at me. The very first thing I felt in his mind was surprise. It made him stay halfway between a standing and a sitting position before he finally opted to sit on the floor. I think he was still incredulous about my capacity to keep him in touch with his human persona and was half waiting to lose it at any moment. Even with him in a sitting position, I could still tell how tall he was. His human constitution looked just as agile and strong as the lycanthropic one I had in front of me. He was quite impressive to watch and to be honest, I was a bit intimidated. His eyes, which had changed from a greyish blue to a penetrating amber, surveyed each and every move I made. I chose to sit on the floor as well.

“Hello Remus, the worst is behind you by now. Can you still feel my presence in your mind?”

An immediate shiver that shook his shoulders and neck showed me that he had heard. I started talking to him, reassuring him that I would not leave and that we were making progress. The efforts Remus\'s friends had made during his years at Hogwarts and for a few years after that helped me a great deal. Remus had been used to, during those years, trying to listen to a friendly presence next to him. Therefore, he tolerated my presence for many hours before he finally gave in to his wolfish instincts. His skills, which I had not underestimated, allowed me to remove quite a bit of Legilimency control over his mind before it happened. Around midnight he even let me come close to him and brush my fingers against his shoulder. The resulting wave of mixed positive emotions I felt as my hand touched him was probably my biggest reward, that night.

When Remus did not seem to hear my voice anymore, I stepped outside and locked the door behind me. He had made me promise countless times that I would not attempt to stay in the room with him, not even in a Transfigured form, in case he would attempt to attack me. So I sat in the corridor and leaned my back against the door. I patiently waited until morning would put an end to the cacophony of howls, growls and occasional yelps of pain I heard on the other side. I did make a few attempts to re-establish contact, but I failed each time. Once the curtained windows let a bit of the morning light shine in the corridor, the bestial sounds faded out and I heard the muffled thump of a body falling on the floor.

“Remus? Back to your old self now?” I asked, knocking softly on the door.

A faint panting sound, which was definitely human, came through the door, but nothing else.

“Can I come in?” I asked.

“Not yet…” he murmured hoarsely.

“I will go downstairs to retrieve the things I need. I will be back in a couple of minutes, ok?”

Remus murmured his approval and I hurried to the basement. I brought the few bottles of potions and lotions that I had prepared during the previous days and came back upstairs at once. When I reached the door, however, I gasped in surprise. The room was empty. I hurried back towards the stairs, a bit puzzled, when a groan coming from his bedroom informed me of his whereabouts.

“There you are! You should have waited for me, Remus, I could have helped you to get there,” I said, bringing the bottles to the dresser next to his bed.

“I am used to getting back here alone, Antanasia. I was perfectly able to do it again this time,” he murmured, shivering from under the blanket he had wrapped himself in.

“How do you feel?” I asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“For now, cold, as usual.”

“Will you allow me to throw a Warming spell on the bed or do you want me to get your wand so you can throw it on all by yourself like you are used to doing?” I teased.

“Sorry, Antanasia. Go ahead… I am just not used to having someone at my bedside. I think last time I did, I was still at Hogwarts.”

“Was it Poppy who took care of you?”

“Yes, she did… mmmmmmh…” he moaned, as the blanket got warmer around him.

“I did not know she had that effect on you… how fascinating! Would you have a thing for nurses, by any chance?”

“I wouldn’t mind… not Madam Pomfrey in particular, I mean, but a kind, good-looking nurse… I don’t think I would really argue,” he said, closing his eyes and smiling faintly.

“Then I will assume that your cognitive functions have survived the night!” I taunted. “The primitive ones, at least.”

“Don’t worry about that!” he said, opening his eyes and giving me a sleepy glance. “It’s still all there!”

“Arnaud used to tell me it was like waking up with a particularly nasty hangover…” I said, opening a bottle and pouring some potion into a glass.

“Merlin! I wish it could be a particularly nasty hangover! That way, I would remember nothing, and assume I had partied all night… Wouldn’t that be wonderful?”

“I am sure it would, Remus!” I said, shoving the glass into his shaky hand. “Drink this, it will help you get better.”

“Mmmh… the taste is better than I thought. There is just one problem, though…”

“What is it?”

“In most good hangover tales, the waking part usually involves waking up next to a beautiful woman…”

“I wish I could find one for you, Remus, but I am afraid the house is rather empty right now… and it is a bit early in the morning…” I teased, playing along.

“You sure you couldn’t find anyone? Not even for an old Gryffindor like me? You know, in my time, girls usually had a thing for Gryffindors…” he mischievously replied, giving me a suggestive glance.

“It means nothing, Antanasia… they all let their minds speak too freely after an attack, you know that…”

“Huh? In my time, too, believe me! My very first flame was a Gryffindor… Andrew was his name. A splendid boy, who most likely became a splendid man afterwards. I spent months sneaking out of my common room and waiting in front of the Fat Lady portrait just in case I would see him.”

“And?” he asked, with a grin that carried a lot of curiosity.

“And we had a brief moment of passion after he finally realised I had a crush on him… mind you, it did not mean much, we were only in the 18th century! We just kissed… but then the holidays came, his owls slowly stopped flying through my window, until he completely forgot me and practically acted like he did not know me the following year! I tell you, those Gryffindors are heart-breakers!”

“I guess you’re right…” he said, finishing his glass.

“Do you want to let me take care of your injuries? From what I heard, I think you have bitten yourself a few times…” I asked, a bit more seriously.

I delicately pulled the sheets down to his waist and began my check. He had indeed managed to bite his left arm and even his right shoulder. Other than that, I found a few scratches on the lower part of his back, but the rest was only the remains of the transformation: long, painful cuts that disgracefully ran all along his body.

“I will begin with the bites; I guess that is what hurts the most?”

“Yes,” he said gravely, as the potion I had given him started to make the after-attack symptoms go away.

“How is the dizziness?”

“Getting better.”

“Perfect… if you feel cold again, just tell me.”

He nodded and plunged his kind eyes in mine. Hidden in his greyish blue irises were still a few shadows of the wild drives that had taken control over him during the previous hours, but it gave him a virility that made me shiver. I did my best to concentrate on healing his injuries and succeeded, at first. Fortunately, his bite wounds were not too deep; he did not need any other care than a disinfecting lotion and bandages.

“All that is left now are your transformation cuts,” I declared, once the scratches had been disinfected as well. “I have a good lotion for that. It will take the pain and the itching away in no time. You want to help me?”

He began spreading the lotion on one of his arms while I did his feet and calves. The unfortunate man was trembling so hard that I had the time to finish both of his legs before he was done with his arms. In addition, the first more intense signs of pain started to show on his face; his adrenaline rush was winding down and he was becoming more aware of the pain in his muscles. I let him finish the job, then took the bottle from him and pushed him back down on the bed.

“Let me take care of your face… that is the tricky part.”

“Thank you,” he said, plunging his eyes in mine again.

I delicately removed a few locks of hair from his forehead and began spreading the lotion in small circular movements all over his face. Under my fingers, I felt that his jaw was very tense; he was clenching his teeth, trying not to show me how much he suffered. By the time I reached his chin, I saw out of the corner of my eyes that he was clutching the sheets, too. It pained me, deep inside, to see him like that and I took special care to touch him as gently as I could.

Remus kept looking at me, without pronouncing a single word. His face was rather gaunt and pale, but I cannot say that I minded very much. His eyes, however, kept me prisoner to the point that once I finished spreading the lotion on the cuts on his face, my fingers did not go back to the bottle to continue the task elsewhere. They kept caressing his face with a feathery touch, and then got lost in his hair. By the time I realised what I was doing, I had both of my hands deeply buried in his locks, massaging his scalp, his neck, or simply caressing his forehead, his cheekbones, his jaw muscles with my thumbs until I felt them relax.

“How is the pain in your face?” I asked, in a voice that sounded more emotional than I wanted.

“Getting much better,” he replied, in the same tone.

“Let me do the rest…”

I helped him sit up in the bed and spread the lotion all over his back and shoulders. His skin offered a most peculiar touch, as I ran my hands up and down his back. Wonderfully soft areas alternated with coarse ones, depending on the location and deepness of his scars. I repressed a wave of sadness when I saw the extent of his wounds.

“What a shame… a wizard so young, scarred like a veteran of countless wars in which he keeps losing month after month… to win again each and every morning.”

I made him lie down on his back and started working on his chest and abdomen. Still lost in my thoughts, I absentmindedly ran my fingers across older scars, as if reading his story through the remains that had been carved in his flesh. I stopped on a peculiar one on the left side of his belly button. From its shape, it had clearly been made by a set of claws, yet its position told me that someone else had probably inflicted it on him. A giggle shook his stomach under my fingers, tearing me away from my reverie.

“That scar is probably the only one I don’t really mind,” he said, with a smile that was definitely mischievous.

“What is the story behind it?” I asked, smiling faintly, too.

“Something like… probably over seven years ago, now, I transformed in a small forest, in Teeside. And in there, I had the pleasant surprise to discover another person like me… the female version,” he explained, with occasional pauses because of the pain.

“I see! And?” I asked, blushing in my eagerness to hear the rest.

“And it was a memorable night!”

“But why did she strike you? I heard that British lovers were bad, but was it `that unsatisfying?” I taunted.

“Not at all! You say you know people of my kind, but you ignore a few details, it seems,” he teased. “She hit me because she found it very satisfying, on the contrary. Once transformed, females… well, they play it rather rough.”

“Thank you for increasing my knowledge about the sexual life of lycanthropics, Remus… That is certainly one thing Arnaud never told me about!”

“I’m glad I could help! In addition, I experienced one of my old fantasies that day: waking up next to a beautiful woman with a hangover feeling! And I even pushed the realism as far as having no idea whatsoever of what her name was!” he said, giggling again.

“Men are selfish animals, huh?” I teased.

“I guess so…”

“What was her name?” I asked, putting the lotion bottle back on the dresser.

“Michelle…” he answered, with an obvious softness in his voice that was also reflected in his eyes.

“What happened after that night?”

“Love at first sight, if I can say that. She was splendid… auburn hair, green eyes, a mouth that always had a smile in reserve… a beautiful body, really. And I mean once we recovered from our attack, we met again in a café somewhere and we got to know each other. She is probably one of the brightest witches I have ever met in my life… and so hilarious, in addition!” he commented, with a smile that ended up in a wince.

“So, do you still see her?”

“We had a very intense relationship, at the beginning. It was the first time I met a woman with whom I could freely discuss my condition, without shame. She understood me at levels that very few people around me could. We were together for over a year until, for some reason, the passion faded away and she left.”

“How sad… did she tell you why?”

“She invited me for tea one afternoon and only said that she did not feel the same as before, that routine was getting in the way. In a word, that she was bored. She wanted a more thrilling life than that. It was a few weeks after I had summoned up my courage and asked her to come and live with me… I guess that’s what gave her cold feet.”

“It is really too bad that it ended that way…” I remarked.

“Yes and no. It might have ended like that later anyway, you know. She had a bit too much of a wild side, for me. It thrilled me at first, but I might have gotten tired of it in the long run.”

“Still, I guess it was nice to have someone with whom you could talk to, about your condition…”

“Those people are quite rare, it’s true…” he said, wincing again in pain. “But sometimes they can be found in the most unusual situations...”

“Is the lotion working at all?” I asked, frowning slightly.

“It is, my skin doesn’t hurt anymore, but my muscles, yes…”

“The lotion will only have an impact on your skin, I am afraid. On the other hand, I might know a very old non-magical trick that could help with the muscle pain…. Turn on the other side… just stop talking and relax, now. If you can fall asleep, just go ahead and doze off.”

Confident that the lotion had worked on the pain by then, I pressed both of my hands against the small of his back. Maintaining a firm pressure, I pushed my hands upward, all the way up to his shoulders, on which my fingers grasped the muscles and kneaded them. Remus gave out a slightly surprised, but highly satisfied moan, followed by a long sigh. I worked my way on each and every muscle in his back and shoulders, feeling their firm touch under my fingers, until I felt all the knots and tension fade away. The lotion, almost completely absorbed by his skin, offered nevertheless a most pleasant oiliness that greatly helped my massage.

Once I was satisfied by his back, shoulders, arms and hands, I covered them with the blanket and moved to the end of the bed. I started with his feet, which I carefully kneaded from his toes to his heels, eliciting a few additional satisfied groans out of his mouth. I worked my way up his calves, his thighs, wondering how high I would allow myself to go. As I massaged his muscles I felt how powerful they were, just as I had expected them to be.

“I wonder how his buttocks would feel… I bet they are as firm as his legs and arms…”

I kept massaging his thighs at a respectful distance from his groin, but with my eyes hungrily fixed on the beautiful bulge I saw, modestly hidden under the sheets. Remus was not saying a word or making a sound; he was not asleep either. He was waiting. I strangely became overly aware of the complete silence in the room. My fingers slowed down, making larger and deeper circles, asking a question that became even more obvious when I boldly let them brush against the upper inner part of his thighs. Remus broke the silence first, with a voice that sounded anything but sleepy.

“You can go ahead, if you want… if you don’t mind, I mean. It hurts there, too…”

I did not reply, but delightfully slid under the sheets and cupped his buttocks with both of my hands, closing my eyes and biting my lip to hold back a sigh of satisfaction. They were exactly as I had imagined them: round, firm and muscled. I kneaded them strongly, grabbing as much muscle as I could and making large circles, which drew more groans from his mouth, partly muffled by his pillow. I lingered there for a while, and then completed my attentions to his back, which I massaged thoroughly again.

At that point, however, I was not sure what to do. I was not sure what I wanted to do, anyway. The warm sensation I felt all over my body and the delicious tension that started to become embarrassing in an obvious place suggested to me to just lie over him and get lost in his embrace. Yet I knew that he would not be able to do much that morning. Arnaud was always quite limited in that domain the first two nights after the full moon, while being a fiery lover the rest of the month. Remus was probably suffering from the same thing at that moment, and I did not want to embarrass him.

“And anyway, the fact he let you massage his rear does not necessarily mean he wants more!” said an uncertain voice in my mind.

Nevertheless, that voice carried enough genuineness to convince me that it was better for me to let him make the next move. After a last caress through his hair, I got off the bed and aimed to take the bottles on the drawer and leave, but he caught my wrist and softly made me crouch next to him.

“You’re leaving?” he said, looking at me through a few locks of greying hazelnut hair.

“Well, I thought you needed some rest…” I articulated, blushing slightly.

“I do. But that doesn’t mean you have to go… can’t you stay a bit with me? If you want to?”

“What do you suggest?” I asked, with a smile.

“For now, not much…” he said, caressing my cheek with his hand. “I just want to feel you close to me… just like you are right now.”

“Ok,” I whispered, putting a light kiss in his inner wrist.

I got to my feet and removed my shoes. I walked around the bed and with a lump in my throat that was a mix of nervousness and excitement, I wrapped us both in the bed sheets and curled up against Remus\'s nakedness. I felt that his aching body had been relieved of some of its monthly suffering; his hands had stopped trembling and so had his legs. It was I, on the contrary, who was trembling then. I realised it was better not to rush things, after all, and appreciated that Remus shared that feeling. That he allowed me to lie down next to him still fully clothed, and asked me nothing more.

I felt his long arm wrap around me and press me closer against him, while he slid one of his thighs between mine and leaned his chin and mouth against the back of my head. His respiration slowed down to long, peaceful breaths, making his vast chest push slowly and regularly against my back. After a few minutes, I finally reached that wonderfully foggy place between consciousness and sleep and was about to let myself plunge in that other world when Severus’s face flashed in my mind, like lightening tears up the black velvet of a peaceful night.

Very unexpectedly.

~*~

AUTHOR’S NOTE
You will notice that I have posted only part 1 this time; part 2 is being edited and will be posted very shortly. Exceptionally, as I had to much to say in this chapter, there will be a part 3, which is being written right now. Just be patient; your encouragement is always precious!

I hope you are enjoying the story so far! I would really appreciate some reviews. It does not take much of your time and it tells me if you like where the story is going or not! It’s in your best interest, in a way! Writing 25-30 pages every week (over 40, this week) represents a lot of work; your comments are a valuable reward! :o)