Bound by Hatred

THE NEXT STEP

Harry awoke to the sound of voices.

\"… clearly in no state to resume classes.\"

\"Well, Headmaster, what would you suggest?\" McGonagall\'s voice was petulant. \"Surely no good can be served by derailing Harry\'s schooling--\"

\"You. Did. Not. See. Him.\" Snape\'s voice was unyielding. \"In fact,\" he added in a tone smooth with malice, \"I would be surprised if you have seen him at all these last several months. I always understood it to be the duty of a Head of House to monitor the welfare of her students.\"

\"Perhaps I was remiss in my duties, Severus,\" McGonagall returned in a frosty tone. \"But perhaps another Head of House was remiss in his when he failed to notice his own charges sexually tormenting another boy!\" Her voice grew soft and deadly. \"Or perhaps it was the identity of the boy in question that blinded your eyes?\"

\"Do not presume to lecture me!\" Snape hissed. \"I\'ve done everything I could for Potter, and if that boy fails to recover from this, it is entirely on your head!\"

\"Enough, Severus, Minerva,\" Dumbledore said soothingly. \"Perhaps there\'s another party that would like to contribute to this discussion?\"

Harry jumped when the curtain around his hospital bed was abruptly swept open, light spilling into his eyes. He squinted at the three black silhouettes watching him.

\"Harry,\" Dumbledore greeted softly. \"How are you feeling?\"

Harry couldn\'t bring himself to speak. His throat felt like it was tied in a knot. He shrugged.

Something like relief filled Dumbledore\'s expression, and it took Harry a long moment to realize he had been worried Harry wouldn’t respond at all… that he really had lost his mind.

It brought back the scene in Blaise\'s room, and it took everything nerve Harry had not to sink back into the covers in humiliation.

Snape had walked in on what was happening. Snape had legilimized him. He\'d started screaming.

He felt an extra layer of humiliation remembering the hysteria that had overtaken him, and the fact that Snape had been forced to calm him down.

He felt blood rush to his cheeks, and he focused on Dumbledore\'s shadowed form, unable to bring himself to look at the other two.

Dear God, did Professor McGonagall know, too?

And was Snape thinking of those things he\'d seen in Harry\'s head right now?

\"We\'ve been discussing your situation, Harry,\" Dumbledore said in that gentle voice. \"Neither Professor Snape nor I believe you are prepared to resume classes. Do you have any objection to a slight break from your schooling?\"

Harry\'s heart picked up a beat. Did this mean they were expelling him after all? His thoughts turned longingly to his isolated little room on Privet Drive, and he shook his head quickly. He could still feel Snape\'s dark eyes on him, and it made Harry feel somewhat ill knowing all three of them were watching him, that all three knew about… about that.

\"You must understand, Harry, that our options are very limited. As long as Voldemort lives, your safety is in jeopardy. We won\'t be able to send you to the Weasleys.\"

Harry felt himself pale at the thought.

Good. He didn\'t want to go to the Weasleys. He could bear the look he\'d see in Molly Weasley\'s eyes if she found out what had happened to him. He couldn’t stand to see Fred, or George, or Ron if they knew all about those dirty things...

Harry unthinkingly gripped the sheets tighter about his body, feeling exposed.

\"Grimmauld Place would be a possibility,\" Dumbledore continued, \"And I\'m certain if Remus was--\"

\"No.\"

\"Harry--\" McGonagall began.

\"NO! Don\'t you DARE tell Remus!\" Harry bellowed. \"DON\'T YOU DARE!\"

Oh, God, he couldn\'t bear it if Remus knew! Remus was all he had left…

\"Never fear, Harry. We won\'t tell anyone you don\'t want us to,\" Dumbledore said appealingly, drawing closer to the boy. Harry stiffened at the older wizard\'s proximity. \"But we need to find you a living situation, at least until you\'ve recovered from this.\"

Recover from this? Fat chance. Did Dumbledore seriously think Harry would ever fall asleep again without feeling Draco\'s hands on him? Without remembering his own reflection in that mirror-- dirty, humiliated, ashamed…

\"Professor…\" Harry ventured, shuddering inwardly at his thoughts, \"What about the Dursleys? Can I go back to the Dursleys?\"

A strange look stole into Dumbledore\'s eyes.

\"I wouldn\'t do anything to bother them,\" Harry added quickly, \"and they might throw up a fuss, but they\'d have me back. I\'d bet you they would.\"

Dumbledore stared at him for a long moment, something indefinable in his expression. Then, still with that odd, sorrowful look in his eyes, he shook his head. \"No, Harry, I should think not.\"

\"Why?\" Harry asked desperately.

He tensed as Dumbledore laid a hand on his shoulder. \"I don\'t believe it would be wise in your current state. I\'m sorry, Harry.\"

He tried not to show his dismay, and held his breath until Dumbledore\'s hand slid away from him. Snape\'s sharp, piercing gaze was still locked on his face, and Harry dropped his eyes quickly to where his hands were twisting the sheets.

\"I\'ll take him,\" McGonagall offered unexpectedly.

Snape glanced sharply over at her. She sent him a challenging look.

\"Gryffindors take care of our own.\" She smiled at Harry. \"You\'d still be within the Hogwarts wards, but you wouldn\'t be among the student population. And you\'ll be right where your friends can step in and visit you.\"

\"That sounds like an excellent suggestion, Minerva,\" said Dumbledore genially.

Harry shrunk further into himself, wondering if this was truly happening. He could picture living with McGonagall-- his Professor\'s frustration when he wasn\'t bucking up and getting over it, the strict regiment of Gryffindors she would summon to visit him each day…

No. No no no.

Things only grew worse when he heard her elaborate upon the merits of her plan to the other two professors, talking about how she\'d help Harry prepare his testimony…

\"My what?\" Harry choked.

\"Your testimony. Against Mr. Malfoy.\" McGonagall watched the dismay play over his features, and her brow creased in a frown. \"Harry, you know he\'ll have to go to prison for what he\'s done. Misters Crabbe and Zabini as well. There will be a trial.\"

Harry stared at her, horrified. Images danced through his head of standing before a courtroom filled with witnesses, telling them everything they\'d done to him. Telling them about how Draco had made him-- how he\'d let himself--

Harry closed his eyes, trying to pull his mind away from it, feeling like he was going to be sick all over the hospital bed.

\"Mr. Potter looks weary,\" Snape noted clinically. Harry dared not open his eyes to see whether the man was still watching him. \"Perhaps we should let him rest.\"

He flinched when McGonagall lightly patted his knee.

\"We\'ll discuss this tomorrow, Harry,\" she told him.

Eyes still screwed shut, Harry nodded. He could feel sweat break from every pore. It was an ordeal holding himself together just until he heard their footsteps retreat.

* * *

He still hadn\'t managed to sleep later when footsteps approached his bed again. It wasn\'t Madame Pomfrey; the gait was too heavy, too smooth, to be the mediwitch. He forced his breathing to slow, hoping the visitor would believe him to be asleep.

Harry heard them set something gently onto the nightstand by his bed.

\"It\'s Dreamless Sleep, Potter,\" Snape said in a detached tone. \"From your rather pitiful attempt to feign sleep, I assume you need it.\"

Harry opened his eyes. Without looking at Snape, he trailed his gaze over the vial and scooped it up from the nightstand.

\"Thanks,\" he muttered.

He settled back in the bed, pulling the sheets up tighter about him, trying to ignore Snape\'s persistent gaze.

\"Have you given much thought to Professor McGonagall\'s proposal?\"

Harry shook his head mutely, just wishing Snape would leave.

Snape folded his arms and leaned his shoulder against the wall. Damn. He seemed to be settling in.

\"Would you like to stay with her, Potter?\" Snape asked silkily. \"Confess all your dark secrets? Hear her thoughts on the life affirming aspects of your ordeal?\"

Harry felt that nausea rock through him again, and wished desperately that there was some way to shut his ears. He shot Snape a dour look, hoping the man would get the message and leave him alone.

\"The Headmaster is fond of the idea, but I can\'t see how living with her would be of any use to you.\" Snape pressed a finger to his lips, surveying Harry through narrow eyes. \"But alternatively, I am certain nothing can be served by sending you back to relatives who are emotionally abusive on their best of days.\"

\"It\'s fine,\" Harry mumbled into his pillow. \"I\'ll be fine. They\'re okay, the Dursleys.\"

\"Please!\" Snape scoffed. \"I\'ve seen your memories, Potter.\" He pulled himself up from the wall and took a step closer, reminding Harry of a predator narrowing in on the kill. \"I\'ve seen many of your memories, Potter.\"

Harry glared at him. He wished Snape would just stop talking about it. He didn\'t have to remind him he knew.

\"Are you just here to rub it in my face?\" Harry demanded. He was horrified to hear his voice shaking, but he couldn\'t seem to steady it. \"Are you here to laugh at me?\"

Tears pricked up in his eyes. Humiliated, Harry rubbed at them with his fist, hating himself for crying in front of Snape again.

\"No, I\'m not here to laugh at you, Mr. Potter,\" said Snape softly.

Harry glanced at him through the tears, and was astounded to see that Snape\'s expression was almost sympathetic. He was even more surprised when his professor drew back the chair next to the bed and settled himself down into it.

\"I don\'t know how to help you,\" Snape said bluntly, leaning forward, his elbows on his knees.

\"I don\'t need help,\" Harry replied sullenly.

Snape smirked. \"Oh, you certainly do. But doubt any of us are up to the task of supplying it.\"

Harry\'s tears were drying, and he peered at Snape, wondering for the first time just what this was about.

\"I\'m here, Mr. Potter, to offer you another alternative for your living situation.\"

Harry stared at him. He couldn\'t believe this.

\"With you?\" he said incredulously.

\"I am a Hogwarts Professor,\" Snape pointed out. \"You will be well-protected within my chambers. And because these events have already compromised my own position with the Dark Lord, there will be no conflict on my part. I am already thoroughly acquainted with the events, so I will not pry if you do not wish to discuss them. I am the most logical choice.\"

\"Apart from the fact that you\'ve treated me like shit for six years!\" Harry snarled.

Snape scowled. \"That\'s hardly relevant to the here and now, Potter.\"

He peered at Snape suspiciously. \"Why are you doing this?\"

Snape\'s black eyes glittered. \"I discovered the truth first… It was perpetrated by students in my house... Had I paid more attention to the warning signs, I could have figured out what was happening earlier. Take your pick, Potter.\"

\"You also goaded him Draco into hating me so much,\" Harry added viciously, suddenly feeling a surge of anger. \"You probably showed him the goddamn potion he used to do it, too.\"

Snape\'s gaze flickered imperceptibly. Harry felt his mouth go dry.

\"You did, didn\'t you?\" His voice was little more than a croak.

\"I lent his father the volume from which Draco extracted the formula,\" Snape admitted, his dark eyes glinting. \"But I had no way of knowing Lucius would offer the book to his teenage son, much less that Draco would have the skill or malice necessary to execute that particular potion.\"

\"But you let Lucius Malfoy have it,\" Harry said weakly.

\"It was not my concern how he used those potions,\" Snape pronounced coldly. \"Malfoy could easily have obtained that book elsewhere; I retained his confidence by lending the material myself.\" He stirred uneasily. \"I have certainly lost it now that I\'ve condemned his son to expulsion and prison.\"

Harry felt tears glitter in his eyes, and he squeezed his fists into painfully tight balls to fight them back. \"That\'s just great, Snape,\" he said jaggedly. \"Thanks for that.\"

\"What would you have me do, Potter?\" Snape demanded. \"Do you want an apology?\"

An apology. What good were words now?

Harry shook his head miserably.

\"You\'re in no shape to make a decision right now. Think about it tomorrow.\" Snape rose from the chair, and gestured curtly to the vial of Dreamless Sleep. \"Drink that, Potter.\"

Harry did so automatically. He was still staring at Snape when the Potions Master pried the vial from his hands.

\"You\'ve always hated me,\" Harry said. \"Why would that change? You hate me.\"

He felt slightly dizzy and let his eyes closed. He could feel Snape easing him back under the covers where he himself was too disoriented to do so.

\"Just go to sleep, Potter.\"

They were the last words he heard before the world was swallowed in darkness.