Change My World

I stood on the edge and saw that you held my hand
And knowing too well I couldn\'t hide from those eyes
Please, don\'t let me fall in love with you again
Don\'t let me fall in love with you again
-- Jewel


Harry rubbed his head irritably and blinked back the next few tears attempting to fall and then rearranged his glasses onto his face. Licking his lips as he laggardly pulled himself off of his knees, his green eyes flared at Malfoy as he brushed off his trousers. \"My turn? My turn for what, Malfoy? I never learned Legilimency. I\'ve only ever blocked it. That time I got into Snape\'s head was a fluke with my casting of Protego,\" Harry snapped.

\"You have enough magic in you. Just cast the spell.\"

\"Even so I won\'t get anything but your surface thoughts.\"

\"And I\'ll push things to the surface.\"

\"So I see what you want me to see,\" Harry observed.

\"Basically.\"

\"I didn\'t get that option,\" the Gryffindor pointed out.

\"Oh, well, if you can become an expert in Legilimency in the next two minutes to make it fair then by all means--\"

\"Look--\"

Draco held up his hand to stop Harry\'s oncoming impassioned speech. \"I\'ll put up everything I can think of that pained me. I know it\'s not the same. I can\'t do anything about that. I did what I did to you and it\'s done. I\'m doing the best I can to even it out.\"

After taking in a deep breath, Harry let it out in a loud huff. As much as it galled him, Draco did have a point. Whether Malfoy knew it or not, Harry had once pushed back into Snape\'s mind, something he\'d thought he could do to Draco. If the Potions Master had told Draco about the Pensieve, he figured he must\'ve told him about that. If not, this may actually be a fair tradeoff. \"Fine.\"

Giving a quick nod, Draco slipped his wand into the pocket of his robes and held up his hands to demonstrate that he wasn\'t going to fight Harry at all. A graceful hand flitted up to his forehead and paused to wipe the thin veil of sweat from his efforts in violating Potter\'s memories and then he eyed the rival Seeker.

Harry clenched his teeth and flourished his wand. Imitating what he\'d seen Malfoy and Snape do, he repeated, \"Legilimens,\" and was transported.

On the dark wood molding of the windowsill sits a cooing cinnamon diamond dove. With an easy grace, Draco slowly set his book down onto his writing table and approached the frightened bird. Tilting his head to the side he observed that the wing was bent at an awkward angle. He looked back at the closed door of his room; his father was meeting with someone important from the Ministry or the brotherhood or\' who knew.

The eight-year-old wasn\'t allowed to leave his bedroom when there were guests in the house. It was for his protection. His eyes roved the spacious enclosure for a suitable nest and he decided to sacrifice his inlaid \"treasure chest.\" Draco dumped out the contents, a few totems and other trinkets of slithering silver dragon jewelry. A young boy would have no real use for these items but he was nevertheless awarded them. With a tenderness that surprised even Harry, the prepubescent blond slipped his fingers under the bird and moved her carefully onto the satin padding inside of the box. Snapping a rather expensive quill and using one of the laces from one of his costly shoes, he crafted a splint for the pained animal.

Harry wasn\'t sure what the significance of this memory was. It seemed rather a nice memory and he started to suspect that perhaps Draco was attempting to sell himself as charitable to the Gryffindor. About to abandon this attempt in disgust, the looming figure of Lucius Malfoy crossed his vision and he could feel the tendrils of creeping dread building in Draco\'s memory.

Harry sensed a couple of weeks had passed before Lucius apprehended Draco in the hallway in front of his bedroom door. Brusquely, the patriarch questioned the cowering boy about why he wasn\'t in his room. The younger Malfoy tried to hide the seeds he\'d secreted away from the pantry. However, his father was too keen and quick for the childish attempt at diversion. Peering at the seeds suspiciously, the older man barged into Draco\'s room. It didn\'t take long to track down the chirruping bird.

The alarm of his father\'s discovery radiated through Harry and he could feel the horrific desperation from Draco to keep the bird safe. She had become his friend and kept him company, giving him comfort while his parents were so busy. The dove was Draco\'s first real friend.

\"Draco, this is a foul and common animal. We do not have foul animals in our home,\" Lucius chastised.

\"No, she\'s clean... she cleaned herself, and I washed her in the sink,\" he pointed out, indicating the still-wet tufts of feathers. The quicksilver eyes of the precocious child shone hopefully at his father as he went on. \"I named her Ophelia and I read a book on domestic doves and so she should have a pair but I guess she doesn\'t and she seems lonely and she\'s been really good,\" Draco pleaded, watching his father\'s expression steel.

Draco wasn\'t pleading his case well enough and his new friend\'s life was on the line. \"She\'s quiet, you haven\'t heard a -ha-ha- peep, get it?\" he tried recklessly to joke his way out of it.

\"It\'s a filthy street abomination, Draco. You may not keep it.\"

\"But I love her, father. She\'s my... my... she\'s mine! And she keeps me company and I think I can teach her to talk and\'\"

His father holding up a hand stilled Draco, \"Love her.\"

\"Oh yes, father!\"

\"You love this loathsome monstrosity? This despoiled beast?\"

\"Yes! She\'s my pet! I love her so, so much and I\'ve been keeping her and cleaning her and\'\"

\"This squalid creature is not worthy of your love,\" Lucius hissed, spitting the l-word out like venom. \"And your attachment to it blinds you to what it is. It is a filthy animal, Draco. Disgusting. End it.\"

\"What?\" Draco asked in shock.

\"End its life. You have to learn.\"

\"Learn how to... kill?\"

\"Yes, you\'ll need to know that as well. But more importantly, you must learn not to allow your empathy to control you. You saw this beast and you knew you should put it out of its misery, but you brought it inside. You claim to love it. Who could love such a thing?\"

\"I- she\'s my... my... Ophelia!\" Draco squalled.

Lucius placed his hand on Draco\'s shoulder shoved the youngster towards the makeshift nest. The black-eyed dove bobbed and weaved her head nervously as she watched the tense interaction. Draco wondered if Ophelia knew what was going to happen. Could she tell by his tear-streaked face? His little heart broke as he sobbed and slid his fingers over her speckled feathers to soothe her. As tame as she was, clearly she was someone\'s escaped hand-trained hen. He\'d been sleeping with her in his bed, curled around the nest she\'d settled into so she wouldn\'t be scared. And as Draco\'s heart broke, so did Harry\'s as he felt what the boy intended to do.

What bothered Harry the most wasn\'t the uncomfortable crack of the bird\'s neck and Draco\'s hysterical screaming at what he\'d done followed up by Lucius coldly leaving the room so that the youth might finish his \"dramatic display.\" What bothered Harry was that somewhere in Malfoy\'s breaking heart, he\'d made room for the possibility that his father was right. Love did hurt. It had hurt Draco with the dove and it upset him now that he was with Harry. Aside from all of that, the young Slytherin, though he detested the method of the teaching, fully believed that his father had done it for his own good. His own good? Harry didn\'t have much good parenting to compare it to, but he was pretty sure that Lucius Malfoy could have explained this message without this merciless murder of not only an innocent bird, but of an innocent heart.

Taking a moment to consider this, Harry waited for the next memory for his perusal. Mind games were Malfoy\'s forte. It shouldn\'t have surprised Harry that Draco could control this domain so effortlessly. Try as Harry might to push beyond Draco\'s boundaries, he had never practiced Legilimency and was weak. The Gryffindor\'s magic was just enough to get him a ticket, but not nearly enough to force himself into getting a backstage pass. So he looked over the flitting memories as Draco thought them.

Narcissa laughing, giggling at Draco\'s antics as his father looks on trying not to appear amused. His mother. Harry could feel the warmth and fondness for the woman and the memories seemed to ripple in a sunny golden hue as he relived the good times with her. Sneaking him out of his room so they could escape to the candy store. Shopping. Playing cards. Drinking tea. Mocking passersby.

And then Draco\'s father is bellowing at him about his poor grades in Herbology. Harry sees that the truth about his poor grades in that subject was because he didn\'t like getting dirty.

You bully other students to do your work in Herbology because you\'re too much of a ponce to touch dirt?

I could kick you out right now, Potter. And you\'re missing the point.

Draco is shifting in his chair as his father lectures him about Mudbloods. This is not fresh news. Throughout his life Draco overheard his father\'s rants to his friends, his mother, and to him thousands of times. But now it is directed at him. The elder Malfoy was shaming him and comparing him unfavorably to a Mudblood. The frizzy haired Gryffindor and people of her paltry bloodline were whom he\'s been bred and indoctrinated to detest. Draco sits dejectedly in his chair.

Narcissa wants to comfort her only son. As much as she wants him to succeed and as much as she knows that the boy can do better, seeing Draco looking so distraught tugs at her soul. But Lucius announces Draco doesn\'t deserve love and comfort, he is a failure to himself, to purebloods, and to his family name. \"The world won\'t give him love when he fails, and he will fail if you coddle him, Narcissa. Neither will this household.\"

The vision shifted to Lucius Malfoy\'s fierce glower when despite the brooms he bought for Slytherin, Harry Potter caught the snitch.

Draco was timid around girls, but his father constantly prodded. One night during one of their many parties in the Malfoy Manor, Lucius had brought in what he had thought was a beautiful woman. She was gorgeous, but older. Intimidated, Draco sat on his bed and stared at her as she removed his clothing and fondled his shrinking manhood. She cackled that he was unable to perform. His father, still in the room, hissed angrily at him and cast an engorgement charm. Draco\'s first time was a near-rape in his own room with his father looking on. In an attempt to keep his father uninvolved in his sex life after that traumatic experience, Draco fornicated indiscriminately. He made sure the news got back to his father who was pleased his son wasn\'t getting \"too attached\" to anyone. Love is weakness.

Most of Draco\'s memories are about being bored and alone. There are worlds of books to read and every toy he\'d ever wanted, but no one to play with, no one to talk to.

Finally, Draco\'s mind shifted to what he\'d mentally intoned to be his worst memory. The wispy Slytherin was lying on the bed in the Room of Requirement. He felt undersized and dense. His body shook with sentiments he couldn\'t quite handle and vocalized words that he had vowed he would never speak to another human being with meaning. But he loved Harry. He knew that. He loved the silly Gryffindor so much that it pained him. Deep inside, his chest ached heavily with longing. Harry filled the void that his father had left and beyond. Potter wasn\'t saddled with Draco. He wasn\'t obligated to be with him. The brunet chose Draco. Harry wanted him. Wanted Draco Malfoy above all others. And so his tongue lapped thickly at his lips puffy from kissing and after screwing up his courage spoke, \"I love you.\"

Malfoy wasn\'t sure if he was ready to hear those words spoken back to him but he craved them. He needed them. Draco had never in his life felt so uncertain, so wide open. Then something shifted in Harry and words stopped making sense. Draco\'s neck felt raw and his face flushed as his throat was constricted. It was a trick! It wasn\'t real! None of it was real. The whole thing was a test. It was another test Draco failed. He botched this test because he was in love. Harry wasn\'t in love with him. He never had been. It was a nightmare. Though the victim felt the pressure on his neck, the severe compression of his heart was a million times more restrictive and for a moment Draco didn\'t think he could bear it. He couldn\'t go on.

Let Harry kill him. Draco had nothing left to live for. Nothing at all. Except\' retribution. The slender blonde\'s fist curled into a tight ball and he swung hard at Harry\'s jaw. Draco Malfoy would not go down so easily. Draco Malfoy would avenge himself of this wretched boy who had scammed him and undermined him like this. Draco would die another day. He wasn\'t going out of this world a forlorn fag. No, he was going to-- Harry pulled out of the memory. He didn\'t want to know what Malfoy was going to do.

It didn\'t matter what Draco was going to do at the time. Now Draco should know better, shouldn\'t he? Maybe he didn\'t. Harry needed to see more recent memories, but as Draco felt the boy who lived probing those memories he rejected Harry from his mind leaving the confused boy unable to assess the Slytherin\'s current motives.

Blinking at his abrupt arrival back into his corporeal body and real time, Harry shoved his glasses back up his nose and spoke determinedly, \"Malfoy, I need to know--\"

\"What you needed to know you\'ve seen. What you want to know now you\'re going to have to figure out on your own.\"

\"That\'s not fair. You know I didn\'t do,\" Harry gestured a wild pantomime of manual strangulation. \"That on purpose. It wasn\'t even me!\"

\"I know that now. In the memory you saw I didn\'t know that.\"

\"So... what do you think now?\"

\"I think that wasn\'t you throttling me,\" Draco responded.

\"And...\"

\"Don\'t you trust me, Harry?\"

Harry noted that whatever their relationship was at the moment, at least Draco was using his first name now. \"Didn\'t you just forcibly enter my mind?\"

\"It was part of the Occlumency lesson arrangement that I attempt to, Harry. It\'s not my fault you couldn\'t keep me out.\"

\"But I let you--\"

\"And I just let you.\"

\"I didn\'t see all of it,\" Harry said.

\"It wouldn\'t matter if you did.\"

\"What does that mean?\"

\"It means what it means. You could see me mulling this back and forth and all you\'d see is that I find it confusing and it makes me angry a lot.\"

\"Are you angry with me, Draco?\" Harry asked tentatively. Hoping not to be told off for the familiar address.

\"I don\'t know... Yes, I am a little angry with you still. But you watched over me and... I don\'t know. I need time to process this.\"

Harry was heartened that Draco had accepted him this far. With trepidation he walked around the desk closing the distance between them. The pale boy looked at him warily.

\"Draco...\" he trailed off the name almost before he began making the vocalization sound awkward as he tenaciously moved closer.

In a gesture that Harry now understood to be mimicry of his father\'s, Draco\'s hand moved up in a flat-handed dismissal of the boy. \"Harry, get back to your side of the desk.\"

\"I just want to--\"

\"I know what you want, Harry, and no,\" Draco stated. Stumbling backwards in an attempt to escape Harry\'s advance, the cowering Slytherin realized that he was at the end of the room. The stones behind him pressed into his back, jutting razors against the back of his robes, which snagged them. Still he couldn\'t keep his eyes off of Harry\'s funny lip shape. The observed mouth quirked into a grin that told Malfoy that the jig was up. Harry knew. Even if he hadn\'t gleaned it from Draco\'s mind, nor passed over his tongue, Harry knew that Draco wanted him, loved him and notably, wanted to kiss him.

In a flash, Harry was upon him. Teeth grazed over soft lips, moist muscled flesh clashed. The kiss was a passionate fury of emotions spilling over into animatedly exploring tongues. Harry\'s hands cupped Draco\'s face then trailed down his neck to his shoulders and finally rested flat on his chest. In spite of the lurid motions of his mouth, the Slytherin prince stood taciturn. His hands rested limply at his sides as if that somehow made it seem as if he weren\'t participating.

Grinding his hips forward, Harry forced his erection against Draco\'s thigh. Feeling the wanton member pressing into him, Draco\'s length likewise stirred. That stirring provoked Draco\'s arms to fly up and his hands clamped down on either of the golden boy\'s shoulders and he shoved Harry off of him. \"Enough! Stop!\" Draco panted out amidst his heady awakening.

\"Draco, you obviously--\"

\"I know what I obviously! If someone as obtuse as you can see it then it\'s crystal clear to someone as self-aware as I am!\"

Harry would\'ve found that statement so ironic that it would lead him to a mad fit of giggles if he weren\'t currently so frustrated. Self-aware? Who was he kidding? But then his mind drifted back to what he\'d just seen. And he sighed and lowered his head in exasperation. \"Draco, I understand that your father did those terrible things to you, but he was wrong.\"

\"What? Wrong? He was right! Look at what\'s happened already with that silly emotion! And he didn\'t-he did those things because he cared about me. He didn\'t want me to get caught out like... well, like this, actually,\" Draco tried to explain.

\"Excuses? You\'re making excuses for that, that... fiend?\"

\"They\'re not excuses, they\'re explanations, Harry. And he\'s not a fiend-- he\'s my father. My father whom I love very much.\"

\"You... he... that was abusive. Children need love and pets and-\"

\"You didn\'t have pets or love for that matter,\" Draco pointed out.

\"I had a bad childhood. I\'m not arguing that I didn\'t,\" Harry retorted.

\"My childhood wasn\'t bad! It was boring. Ordinary!\"

\"Ordinary parents don\'t force ordinary children to kill birds, Draco.\"

\"You don\'t understand purebloods.\"

\"I\'m trying to,\" Harry retorted.

It was Draco\'s turn to look exasperated. \"Look we\'ll just... I... my father is a great man. He taught me things he thought would help me in life. And you have to admit that this situation is compelling evidence that he was right.\"

\"Oh right. It\'s good to avoid falling in love because you might fall for a boy who has a malicious tyrant with a cadre of followers trying to kill him.\"

Shaking his head at the attempt at humor, Draco said dryly, \"I still can\'t endorse you quitting your day job as hero, Harry.\" Then he gave the other boy a quick smirk and blew out a huff of air. \"He was just trying to protect me. I won\'t hear more about his parenting.\"

\"So then that\'s it? You can\'t love? Or won\'t?\"

\"That\'s-- no, that isn\'t what I\'m saying.\"

\"What are you saying then, Draco?\"

\"I\'m saying that we have to table this discussion and all activities that might stem from such a discourse for after you\'ve mastered Occlumency.\"

\"Oh,\" said Harry, appearing perplexed despite his understanding of what Draco said.

\"I just-- if there are any more revelations or spontaneous possessions--\"

\"I get it. No, it\'s smart. Very smart.\"

\"Then you understand,\" Draco said, gesturing dismissively by soaring his hand out in a diagonal line.

\"I do,\" said Harry as he shuffled back to his previous side of the desk and readied himself. Clearing his mind, he gave Draco a quick nod that he was ready and asked, \"Shall we begin again?\"