Totem

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters used here just the devious little mind making them dance.

//blah, blah, blah// - denotes thoughts
// ‘blah blah’ // Snape’s thought in Harry’s mind

Pairing: Snape X Harry, Harry X Snape

Summary: Harry retreats to Hogwarts after his latest battle seeking safety, comfort and something else…

***

Totem: Chapter 12


When he awoke, he didn’t really know where he was but the place felt familiar. His body was stiff all over and he found he was barely able to move. Something bad had happened and yet he knew he was safe now. He strained his eyes to see where he was. His vision was cloudy and he couldn’t make it come into focus. Maybe it was night or maybe there weren’t any windows here. Someone stepped near to his bed but he couldn’t see. “Thirsty,” he groaned. A soft, careful hand lifted his head and brought a glass to his mouth. The precious water cascading down his throat threatened to bring tears to his eyes. After he drank the whole glass, he was laid back down. Sweet lips from a time he had long forgotten pressed against his forehead. He could hear a velvety voice speaking to him. “What?” He tied to listen, tried to become fully aware but he was so tired. The voice whispered, ‘ Shhhh’ and hands fumbled with his blankets making a warm cocoon around him. “Thank you,” he muttered as he drifted away again.

Poppy lookown own at the sleeping boy. Harry was right he did look, too, young. She yawned and reset the spell that would wake her whenever Draco woke. She’d call Harry and Severus when the boy was truly cognizant. No need to disturb everyone’s rest. She brushed her hand over the fair face. Draco had been an odd child, hiding behind the mask of superiority his father helphelped him fashion. Only when he was injured or truly ill did the real boy emerge, quiet and unsure, seeking comfort and tenderness. She had hoped things would be different for the misunderstood youth as he grew up. But no, here he lay, yet again, battered and broken in her hospital ward, so like another boy who frequented her care. “Child,” she whispered, “will your ill-fated life ever be kind to you?”

***

Snape sat in a chair next to where Harry now lay sleeping. He couldn’t forget the horrific image of Harry and Draco being manipulated so cruelly by the Dark Lord. The casting of the Imperious curse still bothered him. How could it be done? One had to be present to cast that spell. He knew of a delay spell or two but they would need Draco’s cooperation and whether or not they would work with Imperious, well…. A time turner wouldn’t have worked. Invisibility cloak? Again he would have had to be in the room. He tried several other possible scenarios in his mind, but remote controlled spells just didn’t happen easily. There had to have been some form of trigger. Maybe there was something in the room? The Dark Lord would have had to know what room… Snape watched Harry shift in his sleep uneasily. Snape was used to brutal things happening to himself. It was different seeing them happen to someone else; someone he loved. Snape’s mind shifted back to Draco’s sudden change the way he seamed to loose control of his body. Was he another time bomb waiting to explode? If he could see it all again would he be able to find the answer? He looked over Harry one last time. Snape stood up and passed through the doorway into the study. He sat at he restored desk with the pensive and began searching through the memory. If there were a trigger there he should be able to find it.

***

He awoke to a familiar place but didn’t really remember how he got there. He was stiff all over, barely able to move. Somet bad bad had happened but he felt safe now. The room was quiet and dark. He could make very little out. There weren’t any windows here so he couldn’t tell if it was night or just dark. He was thirsty. Carefully he lifted his head and pushed back the covers to go in search of water. After a cool drink of water, he would lay back down. Sounds in the next room grabbed his attention. He stood at the door watching the dark man bent over the desk and a violent rage filled him. “What are you doing?” he shouted.

Snapee hie himself away from the pensive. Harry was standing near the bedroom door with a look of shock and horror, as Snape had never seen before. How long had he been analyzing the memory? He looked at the clock and realized it was after 9 am. He’d been searching Harry’s thought for several hours. //Oh shit! Harry’s memory! // Looking at it together was permissible but watching it alone…. “I’m sorry Harry I was just…

“Just what?!?” exclaimed Harry as strode towards Snape. He lost himself in the anger and the violation that boil over. “Do you like watching him do that to me?!? Does it turn you on to see Voldemort RAPING ME?!?!”

Snape felt the full force of Harry’s fist nearly shatter his jaw. He scrambled to draw himself and Harry away from the desk and away from the pensive. They needed that memory intact. The answers were there somewhere and if the pensive was destroyed bits of Harry’s memory would splash all over this room. Anyone could come in find a fragment of it.

Harry lashed out at Snape struggling with all his strength. That was his memory, his very private, very painful memory. “You, fucking…. lying….. arrogant… shit!” Harry bellowed as he struck. The pain inside him was so great that he could no longer contain it. Six years of pent up turmoil exploded and he railed it all down on Snape.

Snape took more blows as he tried to subdue Harry. He grabbed for Harry’s lightning fast fists, stammering and still trying to explain. “Stop it Harry! Listen to me…” But Harry would not relent as he swung and growled at Snape.

Venom laced words spewed from Harry’s mouth, “Are you happy now that he’s fucked us both? Does this make us even? Has he finally soiled me to your liking?!?!” Hot, angry tealowelowed over Harry’s face.

Snape cursed himself. After all they had been through and he had to do something as stupid and as thoughtless as this. He should have waited for morning and asked Harry’s permission. He yelped as another hit made a painful connection to his body. There would be no calming Harry. He would just have to take it until Harry either tired out or came to his senses. Snape finally caught the enraged fists as they tumbled to the ground.

Harry no longer aware of where he was or what was happening. All he knew was that he was angry and hurt, lying underneath someone fighting to be free. Harry screamed and thrashed. “Fucking get off me! No! NO get OFF!…”. He didn’t want it to happen again, to feel that horrible pain and betrayal.

Snape tried to call to Harry, to bring him back.

Harry heard a plaintive voice over the pounding sound in his ears. His body ached with fatigue and his struggling finally waned. Harry fell into gasping sobs. He closed his eyes and began finding his way back to reality. He wasn’t being hurt. The body holding him still was calm and careful not painful and voracious. “Severus…” he whimpered.

Snape clung to the man beneath him “I’m right here Harry.” His jaw was beginning to swell and the pain was becoming unbearable. He wondered how much longer he could remain conscious.

Harry came to himself and opened his eyes. “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean…” He looked up at Snape. His jaw was misshapen and he could see the pain radiating in Snape’s eyes. “You’re hurt.”

“Nothing that isn’t fixable.” He reassured Harry though his sight was going spotty.

“God Sev…I’m sorry I just lost it I…”

“shhh I shouldn’t have been looking with out your permission. I wanted to see if I could find how the Dark Lord had set imperious on Draco whiot bot being there himself.”

Harry looked up at Snape and nodded. He wrapped his tired arms around his lover and maneuvered the body to the side. “We need to get you to Poppy.”

Snape did not argue as Harry slipped away from him. The pain was excruciating now. He felt a vial being held to his lips. Harry must have found some pain elixir. Then Harry’s arms help to lift him to his feet. “I’m sorry…”

“Hush…It’s alright. I just …never mind. We’ll talk about it later. Come on.” Harry conjured some decent clothing for them and assisted Snape to the infirmary.

***

When Poppy saw Harry helping Snape into her ward herst tst thought was that he had been called to the Dark Lord again. Then she saw Harry’s bruised and cut hands. She’d worked with enough impetuous young men to recognize a scuffle when she saw it. Hopefully it wasn’t serious and not over the other patient in her ward. She asked no questions as she mended Snape’s jaw and several other areas of spilt open skin. She bade Harry to put his hand in ice for a while to keep them from swelling. They sat together in despondent silence. “Every good relationship has a tumble or two,” she chided as she stepped away to get ice for Harry.

The two men, each bearing the guilt of what they had done to the other, regarded one another apprehensively. It was Harry who spoke first. He carefully brushed Snape’s cheek with the back of his fingers. “I …I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I know…was it him?.” Snape nodded towards Draco.

Harry stared after him. “Maybe…or maybe I was just letting go of all those things I’ve been using to hurt myself.” He shuffled into the bed next to Snape and nuzzled the man’s neck. “I love you.”

Snape draped an arm over Harry and squeezed kissing the top of Harry’s head. “I shouldn’t have looked in the pensive without your permission.” He sighed as Harry’s weight settled comfortably next to him. He never wished to be on the receiving end of Harry’s anger ever again. “Well, at least we got out first fight out of he way.”

Harry smiled against Snape’s neck as Poppy strolled up.

“This is not lover’s lane, one to a bed boys….” Poppy pulled a grumbling Harry up and placed him in the next cot. She wrapped Harry’s hands in cold bags of ice. “Ok every one sleep, this old bat needs her rest.”

***

When Harry awoke he could hear soft voices. He sat up and found his lover still asleep in the bed next to him. Across the room Poppy and Albus sat next to Draco’s bed. The conversation stopped as Albus turned to see Harry watching, He spoke to Poppy who stood up and came back to Harry.

“Everything alright, dear?”

“Yes. Is Draco…is he awake?” his mind filled with all the questions they needed to ask him about last night, six years ago, where had he been, why did he look so young, how had he betrayed Voldemorts?

Poppy nodded her head and gave a small tired smile. “Headmaster is talking to him now.”

Harry saw in Poppy’s face as look of true concern. “Is there something wrong?”

She hesitated a moment to collect her thoughts. “Mr. Malfoy seems to be missing parts of him memory.”

Harry’s heart sank. “You’re saying he has amnesia?”

“Not really. We’re having trouble defining what he can and can’t remember. Albus is trying -” The elder wizard appeared beside her as she was speaking to Harry.

“Poppy, a moment alone?” Dumbledore winked at Harry as he guided the medi-witch away. Harry slid off his cot and padded over to Draco. The boy was sleeping again. He stared long and hard until he felt a presence beside him. “He doesn’t remember, Sev. Even if we wanted to confront him…it wouldn’t do any good.”

Snape felt Harry lean into him as they watched the innocent looking man sleep. We…Harry had said if we wanted to confront him. The sentence spoke volumes to Snape. He had been afraid that Harry might pull away from him and hide since he now knew about that fateful night. Spell or no spell memories such as that have a way of driving a wedge between people. He rubbed his hand up and down Harry’s back. “We’ll figure it out Harry. It has to be a spell or something that can be reversed.” Snape felt a tightening in the back of his mind as if time was of the essence. He heard Harry mumble similar sentiments.

“I don’t think we have a lot of time.”

“Harry, Severus,” the two men started as Dumbledore called to them, “ would you please join me in my office.”


***

As they sat down in the old wizards office, tea and sandwiches appeared before them. Albus began speaking as he sipped his tea. “It is truly very odd this condition young Malfoy is in. It is not complete enough to be a physical aliment…”

“But Poppy cannot find a magical one either?” Snape injected. He noted how the usually ever cheerful wizard was looking weary and worn these days.

The old man shook his head. “He doesn’t remember specifics. He knows he’s lived here before and that his was his school but he can’t remember his first day here or his last.”

“ Does he remember the Death Eaters trying to kill him?” Harry inquired.

“No just that he was in great peril and that now he is safe.” Dumbledore shook his head still trying to reason the situation.

“Albus, this is not good.” Severus began running the possibilities through his own mind, careful to keep his thoughts from migrating to Harry.

“Yes, my dear boy and that is why we’re going to need your help. There is a potion that the eastern Wizards use to pinpoint magical ailments in the body. I know it takes a while to brew but after questioning him under vertruserum I don’t perceive Mr. Malfoy tobe a present harm.” The Headmaster watched a look shoot between the two men in front of him. “Unless…you two know something I do not?”

Snape tried to speak before Harry. “We don’t know anything about the circumstances leading up to his attach. It could have been a trap…”

Harry touched Severus to stop him. He turned to Dumbledore, “There was an incident right after graduation. Draco appeared to fall under a version of imperious where his body was controlled by someone else, most likely Voldemort, as his mind stayed himself. Severus and I have been studying my memory trying to see how the curse was cast since there was only him and myself present at the time.”

The silent exchange between the two lovers continued. There was more to this story but Dumbledore would not push Harry or Severus to tell him. “Are you afraid this may happen again? That perhaps he is a decoy or vessel for the Dark Lord?”

Severus straightened his figure, “It is possible. We had hoped to question Draco when he awoke.”

“An now that he has an incomplete memory there is not much hope there, I see.” Dumbledore sighed, taking in this new information. “Harry, do you feel comfortable to talk with him?”

Harry shifted, “I suppose so. I’ve already been ordered by the Aurors to watch him closely but what good will it do?”

“We have no idea what he does and does not remember. When I administered the small amount of vertruserum he had no intentions of doing harm, of course he has no memories of it even if he did, so…we should gather what information we can. Perhaps stimulating his memories will help. Can you do that Harry?”

“Yes sir.”

“Severus, I’m sure you know what to do. I believe Draco will sleep through today and tonight. So you both have time to prepare. Good luck.” Albus gave a visible shiver and a heavy sigh. His bones ached with worry and his stomach knotted in anticipation. The time was nigh and the pieces were falling into place unfortunately he was not sure he knew how to play the game anymore.

“It’ll be alright, sir.” Harry gave his mentor a hard solid stare. The small twinkle lit in the grey wizards eyes as Harry and Snape left the room.

***

Harry and Snape both dove into Snape’s research books looking for the spell. When they found it, it indeed took a long time. A whole month to brew and that was providing they had the freshest ingredients. Harry realized they would not have mush time together over the next month.

“I’ll take this to my lab and begin going gathering the ingredients.” Snape looked at Harry. His lover’s haunting eyes seamed dark and a little lost “In the morning. I’ll do that in the morning.” He walked towards Harry and pulled the younger man in.

Harry gratefully slid into his lover’s arms and just stayed for a moment. “Let’s go for a walk.” He finally offered. “Perhaps we both need a little fresh air.”

The two men strolled through the summer evening in quiet, finally coming to rest under a large tree. A soft breeze came up to caress them as they sat shoulder to shoulder. Severus lost track of the time they sat there together watching the sky growing darker with nothing more than their fingers entwined. He could feel Harry’s resolve and confidence returning. It had been missing since they had stumbled across Draco. He was proud of his lover. No matter what the mission was, Harry Potter always came through. // ‘He’s so strong.’//

Harry laughed. “You’ve got to watch your thoughts now Sev…you don’t want your lover being able to hear everything you think…”

Snape turned to him. “It’s true, Harry, you are strong. No matter the circumstances you always persevere.”

“Well, I had good role model. There was the teacher who never let me get away with anything. God, he was a bastard. But I ended up loving him for every terse word, every berating moment because it was him who taught me to be strong like this.” Harry looked as Snape with a teasing little smile.

“My word, I had no idea Filch had that kind of influence over our young Harry…” Snape was able to just dodged a pair of painfully pinching fingers as Harry went for him.

“You old bastard how could you ruin a sweet moment like that by bringing up Filch of all people? Be sides, he doesn’t kiss half as good as you do…”

The two playfully wrestled on the ground for a moment before Snape begged to stop so he could breathe. He stood up and held his hand out.

“What?” Harry asked wearily.

“”Come on…I want to see more of your incredible strength.”

****

Harry pulled Snape’s shirt off over his head and stoked his hands down the hard, solid chest. He breathed in the sultry air that engulfed the dark man. Harry’s body tingled with a familiar anticipation. How long had they been lovers now? As his fingers traced along the soft skin, Harry found every ripple of muscle, every scar on Snape’s body had been burned into his memory. He pressed himself against Snape and held him tight. He slowly raised his eyes to meet Snape’s.

Snape looked at Harry his fingers gently filtering though the slightly salt and pepper hair. The emerald eyes glinted with age and wisdom. This was not the boy he had taught all those years ago, but a man. Harry had a man’s body, a man’s touch and, thank god, a man’s needs. “What do you see?” Snape asked as he reveled in the strength of Harry’s embrace.

“My dearest love,” Harry whispered and pressed his trembling lips to Snape’s in a languorous kiss that reached inside him and stoked his coiling anticipation. Slow definitely had it’s merits. Harry slid his hands down and pulled at Snape’s trouser closures. His skilled fingers made short work of them and crept inside to fondle the burgeoning flesh. Snape gasped and shifted under his ghostly touch. “Stay still, lover,” Harry whispered then continued to kiss lazily and to touch fleetingly.

Snape closed his eyes and attempted to remain still under Harry’s exasperating torture. His hands rested on Harry’s shoulders just keeping him balanced as their lips and tongues tangled gracefully. The fingers caressing his desire were maddeningly soft and ephemeral, teasing him, testing his resolve to stay still as Harry requested. Harry’s lips worked their way down to Snape’s neck and began to suck. He keened softly there against Snape as his mouth worried a small bit of vulnerable flesh. Snape was already drowning in delight when Harry roughly gripped his oversensitive cock causing him to gasp and convulse.

Snape grabbed at Harry’s shoulders as Harry suddenly fisted Snape’s rigid cock. While Harry sucked on Snape’s necks and pulsed his hand up and down, he thought how he did so love the feel Snape’s cock; whether it was sliding through his hands, pumping into his ass or exploding in his mouth mattered not. Snape belonged to him. The past did not matter, only the present. His mouth and his hand pulled at the man he possessed. Harry let go of the Snape’s neck curious to see his mark. The bruise was deep red and hot to the touch. He caught Snape’s eyes again. ‘You’re mine, lover, all mine.”

Snape thought his legs were going to give. The steadily increasing pleasure and Harry’s possessive behavior made him want to crumble. “H-h-harr-rry” He gripped the younger man tight leaning on him heavily.

Harry maneuvered Snape to the bed and laid him down. He whispered a spell that rid them of any and all of their cloth barriers and knelt over the heavenly body. “I want to make love to you all night,” Harry moaned as he let his full weight come to rest on Snape. The full contact his skin against Snape’s trembling flesh made the urges in coiling in his groin surge. “I want to fill you with such pleasure that you will never remember pain again. I…I want…” Harry stared deep into Snape’s eyes. Their dark soulfullness drew him in and held him captive. He lay there silent on top of Snape peering down into their great depths. Only his ragged breath could be hears echoing through the room. He caressed the pale skin of Snape’s face. Feelings coursed through his veins that had never lived in him before. He wanted to tell them all to this exquisite man but he had no words nor any thought of how to express them, he could only stare and touch and breath amazed by Snape an dhow he could make him feel. “Oh god!” Harry gasped and his scenes were suddenly overrun with extreme pleasure and his world became nothing but blinding hot light.


~TBC~

Note from Craxy: I know I don’t say this enough so, my deepest heartfelt thanks to you all for reading and reviewing. Writing is a secret joy of mine that I rarely share with others. You all have been a great source of encouragement and support. Once again, thank you.

I apologize for slow updates. No excuses other than the plot details have been hard to work out but I think we’ve got it now. Until next time….