Down On Your Knees

Tile: Down on Your Knees

Author: Exis* Exis_@hotmail.com

Pairing: Harry Potter/Severus Snape

Warnings: This fic will contain M/M sex....Gay sex. For thoes who don't like that, you should go away now. It will also highlight a love afair with a teacher so if that makes you unhappy, scram. I haven't finished writing it, but you should assume that it will have spoilers from ALL FOUR BOOKS.....if that displeases you, you can go away as well. My last warning is that this is my first slash fic, and my first Harry Potter fic. I haven't the slightest clue whether it's horrible, and I'd like to preten's n's not....

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, nor am I making any money off this. You know the drill, I won't elaborate.

Dedicated: To my Lovely Beta Tealish. Thanks for your patience, and your trust. And also to ALL THE RAVENCLAWS OUT THERE.......the greatest hero's go unnoticed...and also to the two people who put me on their favorites list.....this is for you.......

Archive: Anywhere you want to....just mail me to let me know


Poverty stole your golden shoes
but it didn't steel your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
but I knew it wasnt ever after

We'll fight, not out of spite
for someone must stand up for what's right
cause where there's a man who has no voice
there our's shall go singing

My hands are small, I know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters

I will get down on my knees and I will pray

Chapter 11 "Never Broken"

Harry leaned up against the doorway with his arms crossed and his feet twisted around one another. He was in his pajamas and exhausted after working at the shop. He had walked home to attempt to sleep away the nauseous feeling he had felt all day. Harry expected a nice bath, maybe a little reading, and then he would brave his dream world and see if he could pull one or two good hours of rest out of it before the morning. He most certainly didn’t expect Severus Snape to be standing at his door.

“What,” Harry asked, as he took his glasses out of his pocket and put them on his face, “Are you doing here? Or maybe the better question would be who sent you. I know that you didn’t come on your own accord,” Harry said, his eyes looking clouded.

“How astute of you, Mr. Potter. No, I am not here on a social call. I am here to verify that you are, in fact, alive. It seems you haven’t been in contact with anyone since you graduated and people were beginning to worry,” Severus said, not bothering to hide the ice in his voice. Harry straightened up and cocked his head a little.

“Well, I’m alive. Living and breathing much to your chagrin. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s late,” Harry said, and began to close the door. Snape, however, had beaten him to it and was pulling it open. Harry looked at him with annoyance.

“I’m afraid not, Potter. You don’t get out of this so easily. You know Dumbledore just as well as I do,” Severus said, a little too happily for the circumstances. Harry just rolled his eyes and walked back into the apartment.

“Fine, fine, whatever. I’ll do whatever I have to so you’ll go away,” he threw over his shoulder as he walked to his bedroom. His voice sounded stressed and exhausted. “Sit down and make yourself comfortable. I’m going to go get dressed.”

Severus looked around to see two chairs centered around a little table. He sat down carefully and looked around. If there had ever been a more modest apartment Severus had yet to see it. It was useable, but there was nothing that even resembled comfort. No photos, no plants, no anything - just necessity. Dumbledore’s concerns seemed to make more and more sense.

Harry returned wearing slacks and a sweater. He sat down in the other chair and glanced at the clock.

“So, why don’t you start with how you got here?” Severus said; Harry sighed.

“Well, it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? I looked through the 'Daily Prophet', found this apartment, and I rented it. I’d think that the concept would be less than foreign to you,” Harry said, the sarcasm and annoyance prevalent in his voice.

“ Of course, I apologize for asking such a obvious question,” Severus said snidely, and he interlocked his fingers.
“Are you doing anything of interest?”

“Not really. I have a job, I pay the bills, I sleep and read. Just like every other fucking human being on the planet,” Harry said, just slightly louder than his speaking voice.

“Well, not quite every individual, but close enough for your purposes I suppose,” Severus drawled, his tone less than impressed.

“Is that all then?” Harry questioned, running his hands through his hair.

“That is the end of my questions, yes,” Severus said matter-of-factly, reclining back a little in the chair.

“Well, then I’ll show you to the door,” Harry said, standing up and moving away from the table. Severus, however, stayed put and made no move to leave. Harry stood there and looked at him funny, crossing his arms. “Well, Professor Snape, I’ve answered your questions. I think it’s time you leave.”

“No, Potter, you have not answered any of my questions. You’ve told me that you are alive and that you live here. I knew all these things the minute you opened the door. These facts, however, do not satisfy the burning question in everyone’s mind. I’ve been sent here to figure out why Harry Potter, Savior of the World, Defeater of Voldemort, the shining Golden Boy of Gryffindor has been totally ignoring his godfather, his godfather’s lover, the Headmaster, and his two best friends. I can’t leave until I know, and since you’re being evasive to my questions, I’ll just have to wait for you to tell me on your own accord,” Severus said rather calmly.

“Well, wait as long as you like, Professor. It isn’t any of their business anymore. My responsibility to them is finished. And more importantly, it’s not any of your business, Professor,” Harry said, dropping his eyes to the floor. “Not any more,” he added, softly. Severus could feel his stomach contract. He spun around in his chair to face the boy who stood aside the table. The energy was evident in his eyes.

“You’ve always been my business, Potter. Your very birth affected me. And ever since then, everyone had been giving me orders and instructions as to what I should do about you. Between Dumbledore and the Dark Lord I’ve been in a constant state of trying to protect you or trying to kill you since you started attending Hogwarts. You’ve always been my business...”

“Well,” Harry said, dropping back into a chair and resting his head against his hands. “You may have protected me, even if you did a piss poor job of it, but it seems you never came through on killing me. Pity, really...” Harry said sarcastically. Severus sensed the joke, but it still unnerved him. He really didn’t like the look in Harry’s eyes when he said it.

“I paid for it dearly, trust me,” Severus said, his eyes cold but his tone warm. Harry really never knew how to read it...

“So I’ve heard,” Harry said, looking at him with the challenge clear in his eyes. Severus didn’t look away, but his eyes got clouded. Harry knew the minute the words left his lips that perhaps he could have said that better, but Harry was less than concerned about Severus’s feelings. They both sat in silence, and the ticking of the clock in the background provided a rhythm to their breathing, and it’s sound twisting their minds into knots. After five maddening minutes, Harry spoke.

“So, you didn’t tell them then?” he queried, keeping his eyes far away from Severus. Having his dream world broken, Severus returned to the present and looked back at Harry.

“Tell them what?” he asked in reply, relaxing back, but not really relaxing.

“About why I’m hiding,” Harry said with shame in his voice. Severus couldn’t stop the bubbles of anger that rose in his mind over the fact that this boy was made to feel shame over his actions when they had been nothing more than what the entire world had instructed him to do. At that moment Severus wanted nothing more in the world than to take Harry in his arms and make him feel better. It was so out of character for him to have these notions and they unnerved him. However, it was that exact impulse that had created the distance and mistrust that already lay between them.

“Well, I have yet to figure out why you are hiding. If you mean that I haven’t mentioned how you defeated the Dark Lord, then no, I haven’t told them,” Severus said to a perplexed Harry. Harry tipped his head back against the chair.

“I can’t believe this,” he whispered, removed his glasses to rub his eyes. He put them back on and sat up straight again, looking at Severus with disbelief.

“Can’t believe what?” Severus asked, the tension growing both between them and in his voice.

“ANY of this!” Harry shouted and he stood up. “I just want them to leave me alone! I’m done, and now I want to be left in peace. Everyone seems to think they have a claim on my soul or something. Maybe they used to, but I’ve earned this solitude.”

“This isn’t about solitude. This is about you shutting everyone out because you don’t want face what you’ve done. This is about you running away from everyone who loves you. This is about the people in your life trying to get through to you and help you! This is about EVERYONE, including me, doing what’s best for you!” Severus said, his voice slowly raising to the point he was shouting - something he almost never did.

“What’s best for ME!” screamed Harry, stepping closer to Severus. “Going to bed with me and then sending me away with a FUCKING NOTE was the best thing for me?” Severus stood up and shoved the chair backward. He was NOT going to have anyone question his motives. He had gone through way too much redemption to owe anyone an explanation now. Somehow though, common sense got away from him and he walked toward the shorter boy. The anger radiated off of him. His voice was low and dangerous when he spoke, and his eyes flickered with fire.

“Ever since you were born you’ve been considered the savior of the planet. You’ve been stripped of any semblance of real family, and then shoved into a totally different culture to be hailed as a god, and then you’ve been told that it’s your responsibility to rid the world of an evil that made most fully grown powerful wizards piss themselves. And now, you’ve been given a chance at the normal, happy life you’ve craved since you can remember, and the only way you’re going to get that is facing the music and taking your chances. And there is NO WAY I am going to let you diminish your chances at that by being seen with me! Just because the Dark Mark has vanished from my arm doesn’t mean it’s vanished from people’s minds.

“I’m a Slytherin, not some senseless Gryffindor martyr. I may have done terrible things, but I lived and in the end that’s all that matters. You think I wanted to leave you? I didn’t, but that doesn’t matter. I had to leave, because I do understand how the Ministry works. You will most likely get away with killing Voldemort in a less than honorable manner, but there isn’t even a prayer of you getting away with fucking a Death Eater. It’s guilt by association and it’s the story of my life,” Severus said, his voice uncontrolled and his movements tense. Severus hated being blunt, but there was just no other way of getting the point across to the boy. Harry fell bonelessly back into the chair, his eyes closed and his arms and legs limp. He rubbed his eyes and put his glasses down on the table.

“You know, why does everyone think it’s okay to make my decisions for me?” Harry asked, leaning his head against his hands. Severus sat down and leaned forward slightly on the table.

“Because you seem to be totally incapable of making healthy ones for yourself,” Severus replied with a bored tone.

“The pot calls the kettle black,” Harry mused, and then he sat up and glanced at the clock.

It was then for the first time that night Severus really *looked* at Harry. He had seen him, but at that moment he really took in the picture. He was thin, really thin. He had never been a large boy, but this lithe frame was now almost totally void. His skin was whiter than usual and his hands shook slightly. (Although, that might have been out of emotion, Severus wasn’t sure.) But, the most disparaging part was Harry’s eyes. His usual poignant, green clarity was lost, and they were now cloudy and distressed. Under them, he had large heavy bags and he had lost his fire. Severus ran the symptoms through his head, and it finally dawned on him. He walked over to where Harry sat in the chair. He placed his hand on his shoulder, and took out his wand. He waved it in front of the hollow face of the boy and Harry’s medical stats appeared above his head. He was seriously sleep deprived and dehydrated.

“Harry,” Severus said softly. “When was the last time you slept?” Harry just laid his head down on the table

“A few days... I’ve been really...” Harry never got to finish his sentence. Severus had already shot down any excuse and was now taking vials out of his cloak. He took out a pale yellow liquid, and placed it in front of Harry.

“That’s an electrolyte solution. It will replenish your body, and here,” he said, laying down another green vial. “That will put you to sleep.” Harry drank them both compliantly. Had he been more awake, Severus was sure that Harry would have protested more. Severus walked to the kitchen to get Harry a glass of water, but by the time he got back Harry was laying on the top of the table in a sound sleep. Severus let him rest there for a moment. The events of the day spun through his head. When he was absolutely sure that Harry was asleep, he gathered the boy into his arms and carried him to bed. As he tucked him in, he thought about what he was going to do. He’d go and tell Albus, and then round up Ron and Hermione, as well as Sirius and Remus. He wondered when he had gotten to a first name basis with these people. He sighed at his own folly.

Then he’d bring them here. Harry had to tell his story, and Severus knew he would need a little coaxing to do it. He tightened the covers around the boy and looked at his face. He looked so calm asleep. He wished he had paid more attention to that when they were in bed together. Perhaps it wasn’t the right time to have those thoughts, but they were there, nevertheless. Severus just stared at him for a few minutes, till finally his will power broke. He leaned down and placed one tiny kiss on the boy’s lips. Just one feathery kiss. Harry’s lips really were as soft as he remembered them. He mentally cursed his lack of self-control, and then walked away before temptation got the better of him. He raised his wand, and the only sound to be heard was the pop of Apparation as he left to go and see the Headmaster.


*****Authors Note****
It's a shorter chapter, but man was that fun to write. It's out in record time, just for you folks. Maybe some of you have noticed I am doing this a chapter a day. Chap. 12 will be here tomorrow and 13 is as far as I've written. I am curently working on chapter 14, and we'll see how I do on that. I just wanted to let you all know that this was my favorite chapter to write, next to the lemons. If they aren't in bed together, the next best place is at each other's throats. It's just so much fun!