A Secret Worth Keeping

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, only those that I created myself. Please do not harm me in any way. I only do this for fun.


A Secret Worth Keeping


Chapter Eleven: The Truth is Out


Severus’s eyes snapped open as the images flowed in, the memories flooding his senses.

“OH…BLOODY…HELL!”

He bellowed as the final image came to him. His eyes immediately turned on the young woman who stood silently, staring down at the ground, tears falling silently down her face. He felt his pulse speed up and felt the blood rushing to his face.

She knows. Oh Gods… she knows!

He took a step towards her but stopped as the image of her naked and bloodied invaded his brain. His breath started to speed up and an unfamiliar pressure started in his chest. He clutched at his shirt and he found that his legs could no longer support him. He fell clumsily to the floor, fighting the anguished sob that threatened to emerge from his soul.

Minerva and Albus were immediately at the man’s side, but he thrashed his arms, forcing them back.

“Do not touch me!” he roared with flashing eyes. “I do not deserve your concern!”

“Severus, perhaps…” Albus started, trying to reach out again to soothe the dishevelled man before him.

“No!” Severus’s head sank to his hands, shoulders shaking in his misery. He had blown it completely. He had silently hoped, prayed, that the memory would not keep him from forming some kind of relationship with Hermione in the future, But now? Now there was no way in heaven or hell he could hope for that. Not after he had violently raped her, taken her, free of the Imperius Curse. He had willingly taken her against her will, willingly caused her harm and pain for his own sick pleasure.

Malfoy wasn't the only monster in this equation.

Albus and Minerva cast worried glances at one another; for once, neither person had a clue what to do or say.

“Professors…” A soft voice spoke up and the elders glanced at the speaker. “May I… may we… be alone for a few minutes? Please?”

Albus nodded silently and without another word, escorted Professor McGonagall from the room, leaving the two alone. Once the two were gone, Hermione approached Severus, slowly kneeling down next to him.

“Severus?”

The man on the floor did not respond.

“Severus… please… I’m sorry.” Her voice wavered in emotion. She wanted to reach out to him, but fear kept her hands firmly at her side.

“For what? This is all my fault.”

“No. Severus… it isn’t… it’s…”

“It is… I did it.” His voice was barely about a whisper and she leaned closer to hear better.

“You were forced to do-”

“You don’t understand, Hermione…” He raised his head to look at her and she felt her heart ache at his expression of angst and despair. “I… wasn’t… forced…” The words didn't feel right coming out, and each one was clipped with anger. He winced inwardly as she sank back onto her heels to move fractionally away from him. Her mouth opened and closed silently as she processed what he had just said and he could see the confusion in her eyes. His throat tried to tighten up but he forced the confession out. “After… after it was over… I realised…” His eyes closed as he remembered the feel of her in his arms and the way she felt around him. “I wasn’t under the curse… when I took you.”

Her eyes narrowed as the meaning of what he was saying hit her and a dawning of understanding registered. “You… you mean…”

Severus dropped his gaze back to the floor and nodded sadly. “Lucius removed the curse… just after you woke up and I… I couldn’t stop… Oh Gods… Hermione… I couldn’t stop. I wanted you so much. I’ve loved you for so long… I…” His eyes pleaded with her. “I’m so sorry. I’ve ruined everything in just one fucking evening.” His voice died down to a whisper. “You were right to take these memories away. How can I live with the thought that I raped the one woman that I have ever loved? I’m so sorry… so… so sorry.”

Hermione was shocked. This was news to her. After all this time, she assumed that he was completely under the influence of the curse and therefore didn't blame him, but now…

“Oh…my…God…” she voiced shakily.

“Hermione… please…” he tried again, reaching out to her in desperation.

“OH…MY…GOD!” She backed away from his reach, and a fresh batch of tears filled her eyes.

Severus stopped at the pain in her face. His already broken heart shredded into shards at the expression on her face, the expression of disbelief, pain and horror.

“You will never know… how sorry I am…” His eyes pleaded with her, extending a hand towards her.

“Why?” she whispered.

Severus shook his head at the question. How in God’s name could he answer that when he had no idea how to try to explain it to himself, let alone her.

After a few minutes, he finally looked up at her again; he was slightly relieved to see the horror gone from her face, but the tense way she held her body showed that she no longer trusted him. He sighed and manoeuvred himself to lean back against a chair. There was only one way remaining to try and win her back, if that was at all possible.

The truth.

He watched her for another moment before taking courage and speaking softly in a tone of voice that he rarely used. His true voice, the voice of his heart.

“Will you listen to it all first? Before you decide that you hate me?”

She considered his words, fighting the urge to run and take her son far away from his father. Her thoughts faltered at the look on his face, and the thought ended just as soon as it entered her head. The debate only lasted about three heartbeats before she finally nodded an affirmation. Retreating to a chair across from where he was currently sitting on the cold stone floor, she sat quietly, waiting.

After he was sure that she was not going to bolt, he rose unsteadily to resettle his tall form onto the comfort of the padded chair. He ran a shaking hand through his dishevelled hair and looked around the room, wondering where to start. His gaze caught on the fireplace and stopped, mesmerised by the flames.

You can do this… just don’t look right at her.

“Let me start… no… I have to go back a bit…” He took a deep, cleansing breath before speaking, keeping his gaze on the roaring fire. “I’m not a romantic man, Hermione, and I have never claimed to be. I have always had problems showing any emotion other than anger. Anger is an easy emotion to display. It never needs coaxing and it keeps others at arm’s length. I have always had problems with positive emotions. Love, adoration, happiness, it’s all… alien… to me. So, when I felt myself… invaded… with a sudden sense of… longing… I didn’t know what to do with myself.”

He paused chancing a look at her and frowning as she slid back into her chair as if to move farther away. He sighed and stood up, starting to pace the room restlessly.

“I have always admired you, Hermione. I know that sounds strange after all this time. After all these years of my constant verbal abuse to both you and your friends, however, I have always admired your intellect. It wasn’t until… I would say your fourth year here, during the Yule Ball.” He choked out a snort of clipped laughter. “Another form of torture that Albus insists on throwing every blasted year.” He gave her a quick glance to make sure that she wasn't upset with that little side quip; it didn't appear that she was, so he continued. “That was the year that you were being escorted by Viktor Krum…” Here he paused and glared into the distance as the memory returned.

Hermione leaned closer at his expression and wondered just what, exactly, was in his mind at this moment in time. She didn't have long to wait and he was back talking again.

“I remember that day vividly. I remember the colour and cut of the dress robes you wore, the way your hair glimmered in the candlelight, the smile you had on your face. You were radiant. You just… shone… that night. Your moment had come, and you were barely fourteen years old.” He stopped and turned his attention back to her, noticing he now had her full attention. He stealthily moved to stand before her, gazing down into her face yet not touching her. “I think I fell for you that night. I knew you were still a child then, but… I watched you… over the last few years, and you grew into an exciting, vibrant and very lovely woman. I… I longed for you every day… every night. I wanted to tell you during every fucking detention I forced upon you that I wanted you. That I loved you. I hated forcing you to be around me. I wanted nothing more than to have you stand with me, voluntarily.”

He choked on that and stopped, still gazing down into her wide eyes. She no longer looked scared, but she did not look accepting either. He closed his eyes and forced himself to kneel before her, yet still not touching her, for fear that she would bolt in fright.

“That last night, the night of the attack, I was going to talk to you. To finally confess to you of what I wanted, what I truly longed for. I couldn’t keep it inside any longer. Yes, you still had a year to go in school, yes, you were still so very young, but I wanted to clear the air about my feelings towards you. I wanted to test the grounds for any… future… relationship.”

Hermione could not help herself; she reached out and touched his arm. “What about Malfoy? Why was he there?” she asked slowly.

He lifted his gaze from her hand on his arm and looked into her questioning eyes. He did not see the hate that he expected to see, but there was still fear present.

“Lucius had his own obsession with you; however, not a love obsession. I think the whole Malfoy line is incapable of that emotion, but he did have something, he had Lord Voldemort’s promise. The Dark Lord had promised you to Lucius in return for his years of faithful service.”

She gasped at that revelation and he wanted to reach out to comfort her, but stayed his hand before he did anything to make her retreat. Once he was certain that she had no further questions, he continued.

“Lucius was there that evening to try to collect on the promise. Draco had informed him that you were to serve detention that evening, so he travelled in by Floo powder to collect what he thought was his prize for his services to the Dark Lord. I, of course, refused his request. I had other plans for us that evening.”

He allowed his hand to cover the one on his arm, and was pleased when she didn't pull away.

“Lucius and I fought; unfortunately, you decided to enter the classroom at the most… inopportune… time. I couldn’t let him take you. I couldn’t stand the thought of him touching you the way I wanted to. You didn’t belong to him and I was damned if I was going to just hand you over to him without a fight.”

He felt her tiny hand squeeze his own and felt encouraged continuing.

“I almost had a heart attack when I heard your voice at the door. I wanted to run and push you out of the door to tell you to come back later… to get you away from that monster, but I was too late. When Lucius took your arm and led you to the hearth, I panicked. I saw the fear in your eyes and I attacked him. I wasn’t fast enough to catch you when you knocked yourself out, and I lost all train of thought running to you to see if you were badly hurt. Thankfully, you had just knocked yourself out but that was the only distraction that Lucius needed. He took that opportunity to place me under the Imperius Curse.”

He felt her stiffen slightly but didn't remove her hand so he felt sure that she could finish hearing this.

“I fought it, Hermione… I did… as long as I could. But… I guess my subconscious wanted it more than I thought. I don’t…” he tailed off, not sure how to continue. “Hermione, I have no excuse for what I did. I’m not completely sure if I was under the Curse when I took you or not. My mind was too befuddled to tell. Lucius could have lied about removing the Curse at that… moment… to make the act worse, but then he could be telling the truth. I just don’t know, I don’t know anything anymore-”

“Severus…”

He stopped at her tiny voice, and paused while she contemplated what she was going to say.

"Yes?” His voice cracked with emotion.

“What… what do you think happened?”

He frowned. “I thought I explained-”

“Not what I meant.” She paused, taking courage from a deep breath. “Do you feel… in your heart, or in your… soul… that you were under the Curse when you raped me?”

He looked down at her hand, interlocked now with his. He did not know what to think, did not want to know what he was thinking at that time.

“I don’t know, Hermione… I really… I was too confused at the time.”

“In your heart… Severus… did you want to rape me?”

“Gods, no…” His face darkened slightly at that comment.

She smiled slightly and leaned forward to kiss him gently on the cheek.

“Then you were under the Curse, Severus. I don’t think that you would have willingly done that to me, not if you claim to love me so much.”

He raised a hand to his cheek and stared at her in disbelief. His heart skipped a beat at her words.
“I do love you, Hermione…”

“I know… but…” She took a deep breath and returned his gaze. “I need some time to work this out, Severus. This is a lot of… information that I need to work through.”

“I understand, my love… I wouldn’t ask anything else of you. I waited this long… I can wait as long as possible… if… if there is a possibility for an… us… in the future.”

She nodded and slowly released his hand. “I think we both need some time alone to think about this. I need time to accept my own… feelings… towards you.”

He moved back, allowing her room to stand.

“Is there… a possibility… for an us?” he whispered, staring down into her beautiful brown eyes.

She smiled up at him and once more, kissed his cheek.

“Yes… In time… I’m sure there can be.”

He allowed the breath he was holding to release.

She stepped around him. “I need to get Sebastian… are you coming?”

He shook his head at her request. “I need to speak with Albus… regarding Lucius. But I will stop by the chambers later if that’s all right with you?”

She nodded and with one last smile at him, left, leaving him trembling in relief.

The truth was out…and she didn't hate him.