To Give Everything

The next night, Harry got out of bed after Ron had fallen asleep and made his way up to the Astronomy Tower for the first time since Malfoy had found him there. It was December now and getting cold, but he welcomed the brisk air, tightening the cloak around him as he walked up to the very top. He walked over to the parapet and looked out at the grounds. He was thinking that the past week was quite possibly the worst week of his life, even though he knew there were plenty of other times when he had felt similar to this.

Yet, it wasn't the same. It felt like Harry’s heart had been pulled out and stomped on. And he just couldn't help but think that it was all his own fault, since he should have seen it coming from the first time he talked to Malfoy on the very same tower.

And like he thought before, there he was again, where it all began, feeling the same if not worse. Harry looked down over the grounds again, thinking that all it would take was one jump and he wouldn't have to deal with any of this anymore. No one really needed him. Voldemort was dead and the wizarding world was safe. Hermione had Ron, and Ron had Hermione. Ginny had Neville. Sure, he thought they'd miss him, but they would get over it as time went by.

Harry climbed up onto the stone parapet and just stood there, his heart beating faster in anticipation as the tears welled up in his eyes. He wanted to do it, he had to. He spread his arms as he blinked away the tears, looking straight ahead rather than down.

***

It had been a horrendous week. If Draco had thought ending it with Potter would increase his ability to concentrate, he was sorely wrong. He repeatedly caught himself staring off at nothing, reading the same paragraphs over and over again and sometimes getting so lost in class it felt like he had just sat down and it was over. He knew Potter wasn't doing any better. Despite his attempts to ignore the other man, he found Blaise was right. Draco was always aware of Potter's presence, or absence.

Draco shouldn't have been surprised when insomnia brought him wandering again and out onto the battlements of that damned tower. But he was. And he was even more shocked to find Potter there, standing precariously at the edge, arms spread as if he would fly.

"Harry?" Draco gasped before he knew what he was saying.

Harry had been trying to convince himself to step off when he heard that familiar voice and he looked back over his shoulder, shaking his head. "Don't come any closer," he said.

Draco reached for his wand. "What the fuck are you doing?"

Harry reached for his own wand, pulling it out and pointing it at the other man. "I mean it, Malfoy," he said, tightening his grip on the wand and trying to get his hand to stop shaking.

"You going to jump or hex me?" Draco asked, not lifting his wand yet but not letting it go either. He found himself calculating how fast he would need to be to stop Potter and trying to think of what spell would be best to keep the man from falling.

"I'll hex you and then jump, so don't come any closer," Harry repeated.

"Which hex?" Draco asked, arching an eyebrow. Maybe if he kept Potter talking?

"That doesn't matter," Harry answered, scowling and looking away from him. "Leave me alone. You've had your fun, now just leave me alone."

"You could have your revenge on me, use the Killing Curse and then jump," Draco suggested, slowly pulling his wand from his robes when Potter looked away.

"No," Harry mumbled. He had only ever wanted to use that curse once in his life, and that was on Voldemort.

"Why would you do this?" Draco asked, still trying to sound curious rather than concerned as he moved a little closer.

"Because I'm so fucking tired of feeling this way," Harry exclaimed, looking back at Malfoy and noticing that he had moved. "I said don't move any closer!" He stuck one foot out like he was going to step off.

"No, don't!" Draco gasped, "Please, don't!" His heart felt like it had leapt out of his chest, his stomach clenched as if he himself had plummeted to the ground.

"I thought you didn't care about me," Harry said, pulling his foot back. He wasn't going to fall for this act again, he was done with that. "So me jumping off wouldn't be such a big thing. Or is it that you can't find anyone else to play your stupid sadistic games with? Is that it?"

Draco flushed in anger at the description of what they had done as ‘stupid sadistic games’ but realised it was no worse than what he had said. "That's ... that's not it."

"Then enlighten me. And make it quick, I plan on jumping whether you're here or not," Harry said firmly.

Draco felt his body tensing, his stomach feeling like it was coming up in his throat – all at the idea of Harry falling. His mind supplied him with the memory of Dumbledore falling, as if he wasn't already queasy enough from fear. "Please, don't, I can't .... What do you want? Tell me."

"What do I want? I want to stop feeling this way. I thought things were getting better, but I was obviously being a fool. I'm done. I've done what I was supposed to do, no one needs me anymore, no one wants me. I've been used up, and I'm tired. What do I want, Malfoy?" Harry asked, his voice lowering to whisper. "I want to die."

Draco didn't know why he did it, but he dropped to his knees. "Please, don't. It's not true."

"Are you telling me what I'm saying isn't true? What the fuck do you know?" Harry said harshly, touching his own cheek when he felt tears running down them. Why did even this have to be so hard?

"I am saying I lied," Draco admitted. "I do want you."

"Oh, please," Harry snorted, looking away from him. "Now you're just saying that so I won't do it. Worried people will assume you pushed me off?"

Draco's eyes stung and he was beginning to shake. "No, I am not lying now. I swear it. I'll prove it – do anything you want. Just please, come down, and talk to me." Draco was begging. He had only ever begged when his own life had been at stake. Begged Voldemort. Now he was on his knees begging Potter.

Harry looked back at him again, wiping away the tears as he watched Malfoy. Was he begging, really? "You hurt me," he found himself saying.

Before he understood what was happening, a tear was running down Draco's cheek. He hadn't cried since ... the bathroom. He hadn't cried even when the Dark Lord had punished him – tortured him and his family for letting Potter go. "I pushed you away, I didn't know what else to do."

"Why'd you push me away? You didn't give me any kind of explanation, you just ... I should just step off and leave you here. Like you did to me," Harry insisted, his voice shaking as more tears poured down his face.

Watching helplessly as the tears fell, Draco felt desperate. He tried to think of a spell that would stop Potter. But he also knew that would only delay it. He had to tell him something that would make Potter ... Harry, change his mind. "I was scared," he admitted.

"Of what? People finding out?" Harry asked, wondering why he didn't just forget it and step off.

"No, that's not it," Draco said and was surprised to realise it was true. "I didn't ... didn't expect to feel the way I do, about you."

"And how do you feel about me?" Harry asked, needing to hear it, needing something to ease his pain.

"Come here, and I will tell you the truth, I swear it," Draco answered, face wet with tears and knees aching from the cold stone. "Please," he begged again.

Harry shook his head. "I can't," he whispered. He didn’t think he could ever open his heart like that again.

Draco felt the fear as a surge. He sensed, more than saw as Harry began to step off again. Without thinking, Draco leapt up, lunging forward and wrapping his arms around Harry's body, struggling to pull him back even as a part of him realised they might both fall.

Harry was sure that he would be dead within a few seconds, but then he felt Draco's arms around him and he made a frustrated sound, his weight shifting so that they fell backwards onto the floor of the tower.

They landed heavily with Harry atop of Draco, groaning. Draco forced himself to roll, pinning the other man beneath his own body and scrambling to get Harry's wand away.

Harry was sobbing, wanting to just be left alone. He struggled weakly before he gave up, turning his face away from Draco. He was just so ... tired.

Draco got the wand and grabbed both of Harry's wrists, holding both of them in one hand over Harry's head against the stone. He pocketed both their wands then and reached his hand to grasp Harry's chin, forcing his face toward his own.

"Just leave me alone," Harry wept, shaking his head to try and get his chin away.

Draco pressed his lips to Harry's, holding him in place as he did.

Harry could only continue to cry, even though the kiss alone made his heart flutter.

Draco pushed his tongue against Harry's lips, slipping between them.

Harry clenched his teeth, refusing Malfoy entrance. He needed to breathe in and he couldn't through his nose. He turned his head away and took a deep breath.

Draco let Harry turn his head, pressing his cheek to the other man’s, both of them still wet from crying. He was panting and shaking with relief. Harry was alive. They both were. "Not going to let you go," he whispered.

"I could still jump," Harry whispered back after a few moments of silence.

"No," Draco insisted. "You're mine."

"Tell me what you wanted to say before," Harry murmured, wanting to hear it now.

Draco's heart had actually slowed a bit, but now it picked up its beat again. Could he say it? Admit it? He took a deep shuddering breath. "I want you. I ... need you."

"I needed you more than anything and you pushed me away," Harry whispered again, staring up at him.

The wind blew some of Draco's hair into his face, but he ignored it, holding Harry in place with his body and hands. "I didn't think you meant it," he admitted, searching Potter's face. "I thought ...."

"How could I possibly not mean it?" Harry asked, trying to pull his hands away now. "I submitted to you, let you see everything, let you ... let you use me."

Even that reminder of their time, even put like that, made Draco shiver with want. "You'll tire of it," he insisted. "Once you leave here."

"How do you know that?" Harry asked, still struggling.

"Like you would ever tell your friends, or anyone else about me? The Golden Boy slumming with the son of a Death Eater?" Draco snarled.

"Is that what this is about? For your information I was trying to figure out how to explain it to them. Hermione practically knows already," Harry countered. "Get off me!"

"No," Draco insisted. "I am not letting you go. You want to die so badly? Wasn't once enough for you?"

"It didn't work then!" Harry yelled, angry tears welling up now.

Draco's body still reacted to Potter's tears with a rush of desire so strong it was dizzying. "The Boy Who Lived," he repeated. "And keeps living." Draco had a realisation then and it stunned him. That was part of the attraction, wasn't it? Harry could take everything thrown at him. Well, everything but rejection, apparently.

"I would've been dead already if you had just let me fucking go!" Harry cried out, struggling again but weaker now.

"I don't want you dead," Draco said. "I can't let you do that." Draco didn't even want to think about a world where there was no Harry Potter. Not now.

"And why not? You aren't giving me real answers besides you wanting me, and for all I know that's just wanting me for sex," Harry huffed.

Draco felt the surge of fear again. What if he told Harry how he felt and the other man laughed at him? He blinked in surprise. "You ... you want more than sex ... with me?"

"That's ... that's not answering my question," Harry said instead of answering him. He didn't mean to admit that of all things.

"I don't know what you want from me," Draco admitted. "I'm not a Gryffindor. I don't go around saving people. I ... but I just can’t let you ... go."

"I don't get you. What do you want from me?" Harry pleaded. "There has to be a reason why you can't let me go."

"Why didn't you let me die in the fire?" Draco asked.

"Because I happen to have a heart," Harry mumbled, his shoulders beginning to ache from being pinned against the stone.

"That's all? It was just ... pity, when you saved me?" Draco asked, his chest aching at that.

"What were you expecting? Things have obviously changed between the two of us since then," Harry mumbled.

"Have they?" Draco asked. "You are still The Golden Boy and I am still the son of a Death Eater."

Harry felt like smacking him for that. "You know what? I'm done trying. You let me go right now, Malfoy!"

Draco didn't even know why that angered Harry. It was the truth. It didn't make sense to him why Potter would want to die when the world practically worshipped him but despised Draco. "Fine," he spat. "We'll both jump. End the whole bloody fucking thing."

"Oh, so now you want to die, too? Whatever for, Malfoy?" Harry sneered.

"No, I don't," Draco whispered, looking seriously down at Harry. "But ...." It sounded stupid even to him. He didn't want to live if Potter died? His father would be furious. But Draco remembered standing in the parlour, lying to protect Harry even then. Was that only about Voldemort or had ... had he felt something before? It was confusing and he thought he sounded mad, just thinking it. "If you jump, I will too."

"Why?" Harry asked for what felt like the hundredth time. With everything that Draco was saying it sounded as though he cared about Harry, but Harry was waiting for him to actually say it. Needed him to say it.

Draco let go of Harry and stood up, heading for the parapet. "I'll even go first," he said, climbing unsteadily up. The bitter wind whipped his robes.

"Oh, no you don't," Harry said and quickly stood up, grabbing Draco's robes. "No."

"Why not?" Draco insisted, holding on and refusing to be pulled off the edge.

"Because you don't even know why you're doing this!" Harry yelled.

"I do," Draco insisted. "If you jump, that's it. I've had it. If you can defeat the Dark Lord and still not want to live, then there's no point in me, who failed, who failed everything, bothering either!" A gust of wind blew his hair and he swayed dangerously, the fabric of his robe ripping a bit.

"Draco," Harry said fearfully, his grip tightening on the robes. He hesitated before he moved to climb up onto the edge as well, grabbing Draco's hand instead. "Just say it, dammit!"

Was it better to die than to admit what he felt? Did Draco even know how to put it into words? He felt like they stuck in his throat when he tried to speak. "I ... need you," he tried again. "I don't want to be in a world where you aren't in it."

"Then don't do this," Harry said, his hand tightening around Draco's. "I don’t want to live without you, either."

Draco stared in disbelief at Harry. He didn't want to die. He wanted Harry. He knew that now. Draco stepped back down, away from the edge, pulling Harry tightly to him and shivering in the cold air. "Can't live without me?" he asked. "Does that mean ...?"

"It means that I love you," Harry answered finally. "This has all happened too fast, and I'm supposed to hate you, not love you, but I can't help what I feel. You broke my heart when you walked away before, and you would've done it again if you jumped off this tower."

Draco's heart seemed to stutter, beating so fast it almost hurt. Harry was in love with him? "You were jumping because of me?" he asked in shock.

"You were the last straw," Harry mumbled, his shoulders slouching as he looked down. "I couldn't take it anymore."

Draco felt something wet on his cheek. He didn't think he was crying again, though he felt close to it. Wet and cold. Then he noticed a snowflake falling on Harry's nose and looked up. It was snowing.

Harry swiped at the sudden wetness and looked up at the same time. "Snow," he murmured.

It was falling thick and fast now, the snowflakes dancing madly in the icy breeze. And Draco thought that Harry looked even more beautiful than usual with it falling on his hair and shoulders. Suddenly, Draco smiled, feeling a weird sense of freedom. "I love you," he said softly but firmly.

Harry's eyes widened when he heard those words, but he still looked wary. "You really mean it and you're not just saying it ‘cause I said it?" he asked quietly.

Draco arched an eyebrow. "Do I seem like someone who would say it for any other reason? Do you think I have ever said that to anyone other than my parents?"

"I dunno," Harry said, and then took one of Draco's hands in his. "Say it again."

Draco blushed. The wind had died down and the snow was falling thickly around them. The world seemed hushed at that moment. "I am in love with you, Harry Potter," Draco said.

Harry felt his heart flutter along with the words, his eyes closing as he stepped closer. "I'm in love with you, too, Draco Malfoy," he whispered.

Draco was already holding Harry's hand. Now he wrapped his other arm around the man and pulled him tight. "How is that even possible?" he whispered, smiling in wonder at Harry. He was absolutely sure he didn't deserve it. Yet, Draco was Slytherin enough not to let that stop him from having what he wanted.

"Just is," Harry murmured, his cheek pressed against Draco's chest. He didn't know how to describe how elated he felt now, so he just let it be. "And it's getting really cold out here."

Draco chuckled. It was very cold out, but he felt oddly warm inside, like every point of contact with Harry was hot and spread out in waves. He was reluctant to step away from the embrace even to get off the tower. He took comfort in the idea of being somewhere warm with Harry – naked. "Come on," he said, tugging Harry's hand and moving to the door.

Harry followed after him, glancing back at the parapet only once. It was strange to think that right about now he'd be dead if Draco hadn't found him there. Dead instead of finding out that Draco was in love with him and just hadn't known how to say it. Harry was glad he hadn’t jumped. He followed Draco inside, running a hand through his now damp hair.

Draco led them down. It was late at night, long past curfew. He hoped they wouldn't get caught and he was wondering if they should go somewhere besides The Room.

"Where are we going?" Harry asked as they walked, looking around. It was probably the first time he was out this late without his Invisibility Cloak.

"To be alone, together," Draco whispered as they worked their way down the stairs and he listened for signs of trouble like Peeves or Mrs Norris.

Harry nodded and followed quietly, lacing his fingers together with Draco's. This felt so good. He just hoped it wasn't all a dream or a mistake.