Eternal Mistakes On The Spotless Soul

A/N: I now understand why J.K. Rowling never reads or responds to her fan mail. If she did, she would have spent all day writing answers and justifying her choices, never actually getting anything accomplished. I fear I have unleashed pandemonium on you people and that I need a separate story just to respond to all of your thoughts, grievances, etc. One of you— and at the moment I can’t put my finger on which, but one of you likened this to Jerry Springer— you’re absolutely right. Reading all your reviews is like reading the tele-script of an episode of Jerry Springer. I’m just waiting for one of you to show up on my doorstep with a folding chair. I’m glad this story has riled you all up, it’s good to know people still feel things, even if it is over fictional characters. That being said, the next person that has a whinge about this not being an SS/HG story is going to be smoted. Not kidding. I’m not an idiot, and I categorized it thusly for a reason. Suck it up, wait it out, deal with it. NO MORE WHINGING ABOUT THE SHIP. It’ll be there. Furthering on that note, as this is a work in progress, lots of your questions may seem to go unanswered or what you believe to be valid points are being ignored, however, the story has not ended, and like Rowling, I intend to have all loose ends knotted off by the end, all questions answered. I’m not ignoring you if your questions/issues have not been answered/addressed; I’m just not going to give away key pieces of the plot until their time is due. All in good time, my pretties, all in good time. Good things come to those who wait. I continue to thank each and every one of you who has reviewed here, especially those of you who are posting multiple reviews (even if it is turning into a forum board commenting on each other’s comments of each other’s comments.) I’ve given specific personal thank you’s to the last 20 odd reviews or so, and then there will be a chapter, maybe two. But you’re frightening my muses, well, Hermione anyhow. I live for this feedback, and I thank you kindly for it. I promise at the bottom of these reviews is a chapter somewhere, and I would greatly appreciate it that if after you read it (and you’re not going to complain about the SS/HG bit) that you would leave a review!! Thanks!!



RedWritingHood— Thank you for your continuous reviews and I thank you for thinking that I have an interesting spin on things.



Citten— Your blabbering is much appreciated and like all good author’s, I swear there is a method to my madness…though it may take a while to unearth it. Also, Harry probably is blind, despite his glasses, when it came to the problems in his marriage. It tends to be difficult to see the problem when you’re married to it. ;-)



Andarte— I am so very pleased to learn that I’ve hooked you.



LyraAphroditeMoon— I do apologize that you find this too close to home. That being said, I can do little more for you in this regard. If you must shy away, tis pity to lose you, but I’ve given you the token for your thoughts, and shall take them thusly. The baby is implemented as a plot device, try thinking of it as a tool to move things along. (I’m sure that helps not at all, actually) Not all people are good people. Some people are just misunderstood. Think of how we came to know Severus first. Not all of us were able to like and trust him right away. Having such attachments to this story might remind people that they are real, what it’s like to feel, etc. Again, if you must go, do so, but I will not beg you to stay. And to note your phrasing of the webbing in my literary mind (which I rather liked) I say to you, “I invite you to come play in the cobwebs that clutter my mind, but take warning, child, those who enter do not return.” Truly the thoughts of a madwoman, no?



Wolfsoul— Even fate can be muddled through madness. I hope this next chapter presents you with what you’re looking for in the diary, perhaps an inner look at Granger, perhaps not. Will Severus and/or Hermione change their mind about keeping the boy? Only time, guided by fate, however muddled, will tell.



CrankyTuesdayReviewer— OMG!! No, I’m not kidding. Yes, I am mad. Very good question, how can I get them together? ;-) (Everyone else seems to be asking that same question. Remember, there are no dumb questions, only lots of inquisitive idiots. :-p I wouldn’t set myself the challenge if I couldn’t do it.) I thank you kindly for the homage to my tribute to tragedy. *points and laughs at you stomping your foot* To quote Meredith: “The person who invented the phrase happily ever after should have his ass kicked so hard. Reality. It’s so much more interesting than living happily ever after.”



Sljh— I should lock you away right now. I think you started this pandemonium on my review board!! (I LOVE IT!!) Your words mean much and I appreciate the great lengths as which you expound upon your theories and predictions. I’m sorry, however, to inform you that I can neither confirm nor deny anything at this point in time.



NarcissasSister— Poor pussy. I’m disappointed in Ginny too, just so you know. The little tramp. Yay for Harry coming to bat, he thinks he’s so noble. Don’t chomp the keyboard, I cannot imagine that it tastes good, nor can it be good for your teeth. Also, don’t sit on the computer, it’s not comfortable. Remember, patience is a virtue, oh curious cat.



ArabellaSnape— Finally, a woman with some sense. I am quite happy to hear that you finally took my advice and got yourself some tissues. I am flattered to hear that you’ve made my story your drug of choice. *bows and deeply blushes* However, BOO-HISS to Haagen-Dazs. Too snooty for me, I prefer middle class ice cream, Ben & Jerry’s all the way! Less worrying about the baby from you, more worrying about your boss catching you crying in your cube at work over fan fiction! ;-) I’m sure Ginny will get hers, and God only knows where Granger has gotten off to. I actually need to find her before this story can go any further.



HermioneSnape— I’m going to tell you the same thing I told ArabellaSnape, get a damn box of Kleenex. I know, how dare Hermione run off, etc., etc. What was she thinking? I don’t know, she ran off before I could ask her. WTF indeed.



Heidi191976— Thank you very much for your review, and I share your sympathies.



SnapesPet30— A huge thank you to you. Hooray for pins and needles, might I recommend some foot cream if you’re getting sore from hopping up and down on them? :-p And just so you know? I doubt he’ll change his mind, seeing it or not.



Sevsgirl— *snickers* My penname justifying itself? Imagine that!! ;-p



ApollinaV— Thank you for the three separate chapter reviews that you left. (And for not getting caught up in the pandemonium that has become the review board.) And I thank you for appreciating the “light shed” on the bigger pieces as they slowly plop into place. Thank you for noticing my plot devices as I carefully work through them. Red herring, Scooby Doo? ;-) Swing batter, batter, swing! Curve ball coming at you? Who knows, but do remember that the plot has to move along sometime.



Me— Yay! Another one hooked! *reels*








~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The chill of the Hogwarts dungeons served as little comfort to him as he sat in his office. He was hardly able to concentrate. His thoughts were amuck. This was meant to be the start of his honeymoon. Nalina had planned them a month of exotic travel, the pyramids at Giza, snorkeling in Fiji, a bicycle tour through France, scaling mountains in Peru, and so many other things. But instead Severus sat alone at his desk, rifling through the contents of Hermione Granger’s purse.



There had been little that he had found useful inside the sequenced bag, all eight items spread out across the surface of his desk: a quill, a stoppered inkwell, a silken handkerchief, a silver charm on a chain, a small tube of lip emollient, a bottle of herbal hand cream, a pair of reading glasses, and of course, the diary. Potter had been right to question the helpfulness of the purse and all that it contained. The diary was opened to the last entry, though it had also proved to be useless.



Tomorrow she is making me see him. I don’t want to see him. I love Ginny, I do, but I swear the girl is so meddlesome, if I didn’t know better I’d think the portrait of Albus Dumbledore had somehow managed to possess her. All I want is for this nightmare to be over, of course, one more week and it will be. But, the ever-noble St. Weasley is appalled at the fact that I have no intention of telling him. She doesn’t realize how awkward it’s going to be. There’s no doubt about it, awkward with a capital ‘A’ and then some. Of all things to have to tell Severus Snape. I’m dreading it, how could I not be? Though the baby seems excited, or maybe its just feeling my anxiety. I think— no, I know that it isn’t going to go well, I don’t even want to think about what he’s going to say, hence why I don’t really find it all that necessary to tell him, though Ginny make a good point— what if he’s still teaching at Hogwarts eleven years from now? Of course, I’m hoping that whoever the baby ends up with, well, hopefully they’ll move far away from here, get the kid enrolled at Beauxbatons. Or maybe the kid will be lucky enough to end up in a muggle family, far away from this disaster. Yes, the more I think about it, the more I think that’s the best option, a muggle family. I don’t have to worry about him wanting to raise the child, I’m sure he’ll be just as relieved as I am to get rid of it. Oh, tomorrow is going to be just dreadful.



The entry stopped there. Severus frowned. Nothing in that entry gave any indication of where the fuzz headed know-it-all would have gone in circumstances like the one he found himself in now. He flipped to the beginning of the diary, surprised to find that the first entry was upon the discovery of her pregnancy.



The damn stick turned pink. Again. That’s three sticks in one day, not to mention the lack of my menstrual cycle, twice now, and the early morning nausea I’ve been feeling. I cannot be pregnant. I simply cannot be pregnant. Being pregnant is a very bad thing. I haven’t had sex since I left Hogwarts. I can’t get guys to look at me without glaring or jeering at the fact that I’m a half-breed killer, let alone date me. Sex is out of the picture. Except that night. This is why being pregnant is very, very bad. I don’t want to be pregnant. I cannot raise a child by myself, which is how this child would be raised, alone, by me, the Lycan killer. Is that something I really want that child to grow up with? Never knowing it’s father, and its mother being a social pariah? What sort of life is that for an innocent child? It’s not too late to do something about it, though I’ll admit, I’m frightened to go alone. I remember hearing about Lavender Brown having to go the summer after our seventh year, but I’m not going to owl that ninny and ask her advice, I don’t need anymore of my personal life on the cover of The Daily Prophet. I think I’ll make the booking under a false name. Maybe Juno McGuff, like that muggle movie.



The next entry came but a few days later as Severus read on.



I couldn’t do it. I didn’t even get halfway there by bus, I was too dizzy to attempt to apparate and they tell you not to travel by floo, though why I’m not quite sure. I jumped off just as we passed the Leaky Cauldron and ended up spending the afternoon in Diagon Ally instead. What am I going to do? I cannot keep this baby, but the thought of killing an innocent baby is worse than letting it grow up with me as a mother and Snape as a father. I need advice, but who in Merlin’s blue beard can I ask about this one?



There were a few, shorter scribbled entries between this one and the longer one that followed, however Severus found them to be of little interest and they provided very little insight.



I found my answer in that same muggle movie, I didn’t know why I didn’t see it before, it was staring me right in the face. I’ll put the baby up for adoption. It’s not exactly the idea situation, but it’s better than the only two alternatives. At least Juno’s baby was conceived while they were both sober and wanting it. What was I thinking? Fucking Severus Snape in a muggle night club toilet? Although I suppose that’s what I get for disguising myself, he didn’t know who he was fucking, though I didn’t entirely lie when he asked for my name. Who am I kidding? I totally deserved every bit of this mess. This is the universe’s way of paying me back for what I’ve done to Remus and the rest. I can’t think about Remus anymore, it’s too painful. I need to focus on my problem. How am I going to keep this hidden until I’m able to put the child up for adoption? So many questions, I know there are laws protecting both biological parents rights, I’ll have to do some research, but I’m sure I could find ways around this. No one ever needs to know about this little mistake. And if I put the baby in a muggle orphanage, well then, who’d be the wiser? Decisions, decisions, I’m going to go to Hogwarts first thing in the morning and hit the library, it’s a starting point if nothing else.



It wasn’t that her diary entries surprised him, but he did find himself rather puzzled over them. There was no sympathy or empathy to be found in his heart for her, but there was something strikingly off about them. Severus flipped again to the last entry, and turned back a few pages, no order to his browsing, finding an entry a few days before the terminal one.



The baby is kicking way too much today. I can’t stand on my feet long enough to get anything accomplished. I spent most of the day in my library attempting to get some research done, though more of that day was spent draining my over sensitive bladder. I wish I had had the strength to get out of the house to the Hogwarts library today, it would have proved far more useful. I do think I’ve stumbled onto something involving Pulmarian Root, but I’ll need to speak with Pomona before I try any experimenting. But I won’t be able to do any lab work until after the baby is born, I fear the fumes are far too dangerous, not to mention the potential for explosions. I’ll need to ask Pomona for a list of Potions Masters that I could request a consult from, though it’s unfortunate, I doubt that any of them will agree to meet with me. Snape would be the best one to ask, of course, he’s done more research into this particular topic than any of the others in our field, myself excluded, but I think, all things considered, it’s best to skip that option and leave him out it. Perhaps Pomona can have a discreet word to him about it or something.



Severus’ eyes raked over the remainder of that day’s entry. There was no further mention of his person, the Herbology professor, or Hogwarts, but there were detailed notations of her theorized discovery. It was the first thing that had piqued his interest, not only in the diary since he’d opened it, but in general since the accident. Most things of usual interest had slipped undetected beneath his radar up until that point. He was hard pressed to admit it, however, but it appeared that Hermione Granger was onto something. He turned the page forward, reading the next entry.



Ginny dropped in today. She was at it again, fussing over me telling Snape about the baby. To shut her up, I told her that I would see him one day next week. I have no intentions of seeing Severus Snape, next week or ever. I’m sure I’ll be able to convince her that I did speak to him and that he simply rejected the idea, said he wanted nothing to do with it and I should go ahead as planned and put the baby up for adoption. Then again, it might be easier and possibly more convincing to just go into early labor. Maybe I can tell her I sent him an owl, though that sounds a bit impersonal, of course I’m not actually sending him anything so I suppose it doesn’t matter. I did receive a response from Pomona in the morning post. She’s agreed to meet with me in a few weeks time. I’ll need to gather a sizeable amount of Pulmarian Root before I meet with her, however, so that I can leave her a generous sample to work with.



The entry continued on, but Severus had read all that he’d needed to read. Pulmarian Root was a very specific magical herb, found only in the woods of North Eastern Russia, in a very specific sprinkling of groves throughout said woods. It also took three days to harvest properly. Severus stuffed the bits and bobs back into Hermione’s purse, tucking the diary into his robe pocket, and he left his office. He was headed to the greenhouses in hopes that Pomona Sprout was in residence for the summer holidays.