Practice

Fifteen Stitches - Forgive me. I\'m about to break your heart.





Chapter Eleven



‘God, I couldn’t be, could I?’ Emma said in horror, staring at her mother.

‘You’re having a sexual relationship,’ Mrs Jack said, still uncomfortable with her daughter’s marriage. ‘It’s always possible.’

‘But I do the spells religiously,’ she argued. ‘We don’t want a baby. We aren’t anywhere near ready for a baby.’

Her mother shrugged. ‘Muggle pills don’t always work,’ she explained. ‘Maybe it’s the same for Magical contraception. I’ll take you to the doctor.’

‘No,’ said Emma, standing up. ‘I’ll go to St Mungo’s. Remus can take me. If I am…pregnant, they’ll be able to tell me more. The baby…it could be a werewolf.’



She screwed her face up in frustration. ‘We are so careful,’ she exclaimed, almost stamping her foot like a child instead of an eighteen year old married woman. ‘This shouldn’t have happened.’

‘A lot of things shouldn’t have happened over this last year,’ her mother retorted darkly, still not liking the fact her daughter was married.

‘For God’s sake, mum,’ she muttered, grabbing her coat and bag. ‘Remus and I have been married almost sixteen months now. Can’t you please let it go?’



Their parents were finally coming around. They had all attended the couple’s graduation and managed a dinner without any arguing. The Lupin’s had offered them an old family house, a shack really, but beggars couldn’t be choosers, so they moved in, grateful for some support. Emma’s family too were warming up, although she still usually visited without Remus, who did the same with his parents. She’d confided in her mother about her symptoms after her mother commented on her weight loss and pale face. The woman’s suggestion that she could be pregnant terrified Emma.



Saying a quick goodbye to her mother, Emma walked to the Lupin’s house, knocking and smiling at John Lupin when he opened the door.

‘Hello, Emma,’ he said, surprising her by hugging her. ‘Remus was just about to leave.’

He took her through to the living room, seeing Remus hugging his mother. ‘Hey,’ he said in surprise. ‘I thought we were meeting at home?’

Walking over to her, he slipped his hand into hers. ‘Couldn’t stay away,’ she teased and he grinned, kissing her.

‘Alright,’ he said to his parents. ‘I guess I’ll see you in a week or so.’

They said their farewells then Remus turned to look at Emma.



‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, sensing her disquiet.

‘Mum thinks I might be pregnant,’ she said reluctantly and he looked stunned. ‘Apparently, most of my symptoms match. Nausea, exhaustion, aches and pains…’

‘But we’re so careful,’ he insisted and she nodded.

‘I know. Can you come with me to St Mungo’s?’ she asked. ‘They can tell me and…well, we can decide what we’re going to do.’

Remus nodded, taking her arm and apparating them to the hospital.

They waited for an hour before a Healer could see them. Emma told her about how she’d been feeling and mentioned their fears.



‘Alright,’ the woman, Martha, said. ‘It’ll be a quick answer. Are you ready?’

Remus tightened his grip on her hand and they nodded. The woman muttered an incantation as she waved her wand over Emma’s abdomen. She frowned and did it again, this time adding another incantation.

‘Well?’ Emma asked impatiently and the woman shook her head, the frown deepening.

‘No, love,’ she answered. ‘You’re not pregnant.’



Both teenagers breathed a sign of relief and grinned at each other. ‘Thank Merlin,’ Remus muttered and Emma went to sit up.

‘Hold on a moment,’ Martha told her, gently pushing her back down. ‘I want to run another test.’

Emma frowned but nodded, lying back on the bed. The woman waved her wand, a series of complicated looking movements and mumbled under her breath. It was five minutes before she stopped and looked at Emma.



‘How long have you been feeling this way?’ she asked and Emma thought.

‘Since we left school in July’ she said, but Remus shook his head.

‘No, it’s been longer than that,’ he corrected. ‘Remember, babe? You felt bad during exams and before, while we were studying so hard? That’s when you started to feel really tired and sore.’

Emma nodded in agreement. ‘So it’s November now,’ Martha said. ‘You started feeling like this…’

‘I suppose it would have been not long after our birthdays,’ Emma mused. ‘I don’t remember feeling bad then. So, June, I guess. That’s when we really hit the books hard.’



She looked at the woman. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said with a grin. ‘If I’d actually thought about it, I would have realised I wasn’t pregnant - it’s been too long. I could’ve almost had a baby by now.’

The woman didn’t smile, instead sitting down and indicating they should do the same. ‘Emma,’ she said gently, her face grim. ‘You have a mass. In your pancreas. It’s quite large and…it’s cancer.’



Emma’s face drained of colour and Remus’ eyes widened. ‘You’re a witch, but you’re from a Muggle background,’ the woman continued. ‘Full blood or half blood magic folk aren’t prone to cancer but being from a non Magical background…’

‘What…what do we do?’ Remus asked shakily, staring at her intently.

She bit her lip and looked at Emma, who immediately knew what she was going to say. ‘Pancreatic cancer is bad,’ she said softly, her voice shaking. ‘My grandfather had it. By the time symptoms show themselves….’ She stopped, unable to say it.

‘It’s often too late to do anything,’ Martha said gently, looking sympathetically at Emma. ‘I’m very sorry, love. Given the size of the mass and the progression of your symptoms...There’s nothing that can be done. Magically or Muggle.’



It felt like the world had stopped, frozen. Remus and Emma were both still, staring at the Healer as if waiting for the punch line.

‘What…what do you mean?’ Remus stammered eventually. He turned to look at Emma whose face was blank, in shock. ‘There has to be something. A potion or a spell.’

The woman shook her head and he felt a sudden surge of anger towards her.

‘Don’t just sit there shaking your head!’ he yelled as he jumped up. ‘We’re fucking magic for Merlins’ sake. Just fix her. Give her something to make it go away.’

The Healer stood as well and looked him in the eye. ‘There is nothing anyone can do now,’ she said softly.



She looked at Emma, who was slowly rising to her feet as well. ‘I would say that you’ll see Christmas, love, but I’m afraid I think you’ll miss New Years. I’m so sorry, both of you. Do you have any questions or…?’

‘No,’ Emma said, her eyes wide and dark in her deathly pale face. ‘No. Not right now.’

Martha nodded and put her hand on Emma’s arm. ‘Come back and see me when you’ve had some time to digest this,’ she told her. ‘We can do something to make you more comfortable... later.’

Emma nodded and the woman left the room, leaving Remus furious. ‘What the hell is she talking about?’ he spat, turning to look at Emma. ‘What was she saying about New Year’s?’



Emma gazed at him, seeing that he hadn’t taken in what he’d been told yet. ‘Remus,’ she said. ‘Let’s go home.’

‘But don’t they have to give you something?’ he asked in bewilderment and she shook her head.

‘I’ll come back,’ she promised, just wanting to get out of there now. ‘Please take me home. Please, baby?’

He nodded reluctantly and apparated them home, spending the next ten minutes raving about that woman.



‘We’ll go back and see another Healer,’ he mumbled, slamming tea cups around as he made them a drink. ‘I think she’s mad.’

He put the tea down in front of Emma who grabbed his arm and pulled him onto the couch next to her.

‘Remus,’ she said softly, speaking for the first time since they’d gotten home. ‘She’s not mad.’

He stared at her and she saw the anger slowly draining from his face. It had been his shield, his defence mechanism - get angry and I don’t have to think about it. But now…



‘She must have made a mistake, Em,’ he whispered. ‘You’re eighteen. You’ve got a job to go to after Christmas and we’ve got each other… She made a mistake.’

Emma just looked at him, watching as anger turned into denial.

‘There has to be something,’ he insisted, standing up. ‘There has to be a cure, a potion. I’m going to the library. There’s got to be something.’

‘Remus,’ Emma said as he pulled on his coat. She bit her lip, seeing his fear. ‘Be careful.’

He looked at her with wide, haunted looking eyes and nodded, coming to her and kissing her hard.

‘This is bull shit, Em,’ he told her. ‘I’ll find something.’

She tried to smile and nodded, not wanting to rob him of the little hope he had. Not yet. Any book he found would do that for her.



He left and Emma curled up on the couch, remembering seeing her grandfather before he died. He’d been in hospital for weeks and just got more and more weak; helpless. She shuddered, not wanting her end to be like that.

‘I won’t see New Years Day,’ she whispered, counting the days then feeling a wave of despair run through her.

‘Fifty days,’ she thought. ‘Give or take. That’s all I’ve got left.’



The tears finally came and for an hour she sobbed for everything she was going to lose. Remus, her parents, her friends, the future she’d planned. After there were no more tears left to fall, she lay quietly, staring off into space before she got up and showered. Acceptance had come reluctantly and she’d realised that, deep down, on some plane; on some level, she’d known. That’s why she had never gone to the nurse or the doctor; why she’d downplayed her symptoms. She’d known.

‘And now, I have to be strong,’ she told herself, brushing her wet hair then pulling it into a ponytail. ‘Because Remus will not accept this as easily.’



But she was wrong. When Remus returned it was dark and she could tell from the look on his face that he understood now and that he, like her, had done his crying alone. ‘You should be resting,’ he admonished when he saw her cooking.

‘I like cooking,’ she murmured, throwing some carrots into water. ‘The Muggle way takes longer but it’s therapeutic.’

He watched her for a moment then grabbed another knife and chopped the potatoes, something he never did. He always used magic. They chopped the vegetables then Remus checked the pie in the oven, taking it out and serving it up.



Silence reigned over dinner, Remus frowning when Emma picked at her food. They cleaned up magically though Emma wiped the bench down by hand. She was nearly done when she felt Remus’ arms encircled her from behind. His chin rested on her shoulder, face turned into her neck and his body was pressed up against hers. Emma dropped the cloth and leaned back into him, her eyes closing as they drew strength from each other. They didn’t need words. They completely understood each other.

‘I love you, Em,’ he whispered into her ear.

‘I love you, too,’ she said softly, then turned into his arms, kissing him.



His hands cupped her face then he lifted her off her feet, holding her as close as she could physically get as they kissed. Walking back to their bedroom, they shed as many clothes as possible, the rest falling as they lay on the bed. They went slow, Remus’ mouth caressing every inch of her body, memorising every curve, every change in texture, the taste and feel of it as if it were the last time. Emma giggled when his fingers tickled her and the sound bought unexpected tears to his eyes. He tried to cover his emotions, pushing his body slowly into hers. They moved together, came together then cried together when the raw emotion could no longer be contained.



They lay awake all night, talking and touching, avoiding the discussions they knew they’d have to have tomorrow. Daylight crept across the floor and, when it hit the bed, Emma got up.

‘I have to go to mum and dad’s,’ she said softly when he told her to lay back down.

‘I have to tell them sooner rather than later. I don’t have a whole lot of later left.’

Remus swallowed hard and sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed.

‘You stay and get some sleep,’ she said but he shook his head, coming across to her and kissing her.



‘Where you go, I go,’ he said then frowned.

Emma knew what he was thinking and smiled at him. ‘Not everywhere, baby,’ she told him gently. ‘Not for a long time. Not for you.’

He bit his suddenly shaky lip then drew in a deep breath, regaining control. ‘Miracles happen sometimes, Em,’ he murmured, touching her hair. ‘Please don’t give up hope yet.’

‘I won’t,’ she assured him. ‘But I’m not going to live whatever time I’ve got left in denial either.’



He looked shaky still but nodded, disappearing into the bathroom for longer than necessary for his toilette. When he emerged, he looked different. His face was stronger and calmer and, although his blue eyes were now red rimmed, they were determined. He took Emma’s shoulders and sat her down at the table, finishing making their breakfast himself.

He’d given himself a metaphorical slap in the bathroom, telling himself firmly, ‘There’ll be time all too soon for tears and sooking. Don’t waste one more second of this time with Em crying. She’s the one that’s hurting. If she can be strong for us, I can be too.’

Vowing to never let her see him upset again, he washed his face and felt a kind of peace come over him.



He apparated them to Emma’s parent’s house but Emma stopped. ‘I want your parents there too,’ she said, looking up at him. ‘I don’t want to have to do this over and over.’ Remus nodded, walking down the street and surprising his parents.

‘We didn’t think we’d see you again so soon,’ Mrs Lupin said then her smile faded when she saw his face. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘I need you to come to Emma’s parents house,’ he told them. ‘Now. Please?’

‘What is it?’ his father asked in concern but he shook his head.

‘We only want to do this once, dad,’ he said softly, unable to hide his distress from his parents. ‘I’ll meet you there.’

He left them to finish getting dressed and jogged back to Emma, who was waiting by the front fence.

‘I didn’t want to go in alone,’ she admitted and he smiled.

‘You don’t have to do anything alone anymore, Em,’ he told her then took her hand as they entered the house just minutes before Remus’ parents.



Her parents were also surprised to see them but when Remus’ parents arrived as well, Mrs Jack thought she understood.

‘Oh, Emma,’ she said, disappointed as they all sat down. ‘No.’

‘No,’ Emma agreed. ‘I’m not pregnant, mum.’

Her parents looked relieved; Remus’ startled. ‘You thought you were pregnant?’ Mrs Lupin asked, staring at Emma.

‘I’m not,’ she repeated.

‘Wish you were,’ Remus muttered, heard by Emma and his father.

‘Remus, you know how dangerous a pregnancy…’

‘Dad, don’t,’ he cut in loudly, startling all four parents with his uncharacteristic display of temper, then bit his lip.

Softly, he said, ‘Em, do you want me to…?’

‘No,’ she said, squeezing his hand so tightly it hurt. ‘I’ll do it.’



Christmas Day



‘God, that is hideous,’ Emma said softly, smiling at Remus.

‘I guess he meant it as a joke,’ Remus said, chuckling a little at her gift from Sirius - a jumper with a cartoon werewolf howling on the front of it.

Emma smiled then winced as a pain shot through her.

Remus saw. ‘I’ll get your drink now,’ he said, standing up and putting the jumper down. ‘Before you get up.’

She smiled and he kissed her head before going down to the kitchen.



Her mother was there and murmured, ‘Merry Christmas’ when she saw him. He repeated her words then reached for Emma’s tea.

‘Is Emma awake yet?’ she asked and he nodded.

‘Don’t go in yet, though,’ he told her, pouring hot water over the tea. ‘She needs her tea first and…and she‘s not particularly strong this morning.’

Mrs Jack looked at him. ‘What tea?’ she asked and he looked at her.

‘Herb tea recommended by the Healer,’ he told her, holding up the box. ‘If she drinks it before she sits up and moves around, she seems to be a little stronger. I don’t know if it really helps or whether we just want it to but…’

He shrugged and finished making the tea.



‘Should I make some toast?’ she asked but he shook his head.

‘I’ll get her some in an hour or so,’ he said, picking up the cup. ‘She can’t stomach food this soon after waking up. The tea will help her keep it down but she‘s not been eating much. The pain potions put her off food when she’s got almost no appetite already but…she needs them more than she needs a lot of food now. I‘ve got another potion to help her nutrition.’

Mrs Jack bit her lip and watched him walk towards the stairs. ‘You’ve done a good job,’ she said suddenly. He turned to look at her.

‘Looking after her,’ she continued. ‘When we all fell apart, you looked after her. I know I never supported your marriage but…I’m very glad she’s had you.’

Remus smiled. ‘Well, I love her,’ he said simply. ‘She’s my mate. What else would I do?’



He walked up the stairs back to the room he and Emma now shared; the room he’d spent so much time in while they were growing up. Her parents had asked them to move back in with them but for over a month they resisted, Remus caring for an increasingly weak Emma at their house - his only time away was the full moon. Last night had been their first night here - Emma deciding Remus was taking on too much by himself now and wanting to be closer to her parents today. They both knew the end was near. She was growing weaker by the day now, the progression of the disease hastening each hour.



Remus looked at her lying in bed for a few moments before he walked into the room. She was so very thin, her skin almost translucent. Her hair had started falling out and she barely had the strength to sit up now. Pain racked her tiny body, needing constant potions to try and ease the ache inside. She still smiled for him though, refusing to let the cancer rob her of her sense of humour.

‘Tea,’ he said, sitting next to her on the bed.

He helped her drink it, watching a little colour come into her wan cheeks as it warmed her. ‘Here,’ he said, holding a pain potion to her lips.

She drank it obediently, then sat back with a sigh.



‘Your mum wants to see you,’ he said, watching her closely. Even when she still had the strength to hide her pain, he knew the signs. Now, she couldn’t even try to disguise the effect the illness had on her.

‘I’ll go down there,’ she mumbled and he frowned.

‘Baby, don’t fuss,’ she said in a hoarse voice, sounding breathless. ‘What’s the point in having a big, strong mate if he doesn’t cart you around?’

He smiled, then helped her dress before picking her up and carrying her down the stairs, settling her on the couch where she managed to greet her parents before she fell asleep again - the tiny amount of activity had worn her out.



They had a nice morning with both sets of parents, Emma drifting in and out of sleep, but at lunch time he saw that she’d had enough. Just sitting up and talking for the little while she had was draining her.

‘I’m taking Emma back upstairs,’ he told his father as they cleared the table. ‘I’ll stay with her so I guess I’ll see you later.’

‘Remus,’ his father said. ‘The way you’ve handled this…The way you’ve looked after Emma..’ His eyes filled with tears which he blinked away quickly. ‘I’m proud of you.’ ‘I haven’t done anything, dad,’ he said softly. ‘She’s my wife. Of course I’m going to be there for her. There’s no where else I’d want to be.’



His father nodded and hugged him, then left to hug Emma. Remus took a deep breath, fighting back his emotions before he went back into the living room. ‘Bye, sweetheart,’ his mother said, letting go of Emma and hugging him.

‘Bye, mum,’ he said, then sat next to his wife.

‘I want to get you back into bed, gorgeous,’ he teased and she smiled tiredly.

‘You are insatiable,’ she murmured, her eyes drooping a little.

Remus’ smile faltered. This was the weakest she’d ever been and it hit him very hard and very suddenly. This was it. She didn’t have another day; the time she had left was going to be measured in hours now.



‘I could do it, you know,’ she whispered when he picked her up.

‘I know,’ he told her with a smile. ‘I just like carrying you around. Makes me feel like a macho man.’

She made a noise then let her head fall onto his shoulder as her parents watched him carry her upstairs. By the time he got to their room, she was asleep again.

He settled her then disappeared into the bathroom, barely getting in the door before he vomited into the sink. When he\'d finished retching, he ran water in the sink, watching the water swirl down the drain as the sobs began. His knees buckled and he sank to the floor, weeping great heartbreaking tears.

He’d known the end was really close but to have it almost on them was too much. True to his vow, he’d never let her see him upset or scared. After a bad day, he did all his crying in the shower or late at night in the bathroom where she couldn’t see or hear him.



‘Remus?’ he heard her father say, pushing the door open.

He quickly wiped his face and struggled to his feet, trying to stop his sobbing. Mr Jack stared at him for a few moments then stepped forward and embraced him.

‘Thank you for looking after our girl, son,’ he said softly. ‘It’s nearly over, isn’t it?’

The man pulled away, his own eyes overflowing. Remus nodded, drawing himself taller as he gathered the little strength he had left.

‘Yeah,’ he said, strangely calm. ‘It’s nearly over now.’