Secrets

Hermione awoke with a smile, remembering the night before. She sat up, expecting to be on Snape's couch, and was surprised to see Bitsy sitting there on her bed next to her. A slight frown crossed her face, but then she remembered something rather important. Hermione sat up quickly and grabbed a tissue from her bedside table.

Nothing happened. Hermione squealed in delight. "Nothing happened! I'm healed!" She sprung up and hugged Bitsy so suddenly the elf squeaked and popped out of Hermione's arms, leaving Hermione to celebrate by herself. She ran her fingers through her hair, and thoroughly scratched a spot on her nose that had been bugging her for days.

She immediately stripped off of her clothes, and headed to her bathroom. She wasn't sure if she'd ever wear those particular clothes again. She turned on the shower and stepped in, the water falling over her with the temperature as hot as she could stand. She washed her body two separate times, as well as her hair. She never thought a shower could feel this wonderful.

When she was done, Hermione stepped out and dried off, but stayed completely naked. She wanted to enjoy it, as she'd been wearing the same clothes for almost a week now. She went and laid on her couch, loving the feeling of being clean.

She decided she should let Professor Snape know that she would be ready to work on Monday, and let him know that she was now free to use her hands. She smiled at this thought, but then blushed furiously. A few months ago, Hermione would have never believed that she would be having inappropriate thoughts about Professor Snape...or that it would be possible to act on them.

Hermione thought back to the night before...Snape throwing her against the wall, her hands pushed above her head, his deep black eyes on hers, his lips grazing hers....
Hermione shuddered, noticing the feeling of her stomach clenching was now becoming familiar to her. Her thoughts turned to what sex with Severus Snape would be like. Had someone asked her months ago, Hermione would have replied, "harsh, demanding, and dominating," as that is how she believed Snape to be. He was like this in the classroom, and would have expected it to extend to his sexual preferences. But now...she wasn't so sure. He had been in control both times they had kissed, but...there was something else there. Nervousness, hesitation. Her hand brushed over her stomach, and a small moan escaped.

Hermione sat up quickly and went to get dressed. She wanted some release, but didn't want to masturbate to thoughts of Snape. She didn't want to admit to herself what this act would mean. She thought she wanted him to kiss her...but Hermione couldn't forget everything she ever thought she knew about him...could she?

She threw on her jeans and a sweater before walking out into the cold hallway of the dungeons. She knocked on Snape's door and waited, wondering what she would say.

Snape opened the door, not looking at all surprised to see her.
"Miss Granger," he said, stepping aside to let her in. She went and sat down, waiting for Snape to sit as well. He did, and Hermione twisted her hands in her lap.
"I see your hands are better," he said.

"Oh, yes. I came here to tell you that you can expect me at the normal time tomorrow, and I'm willing to stay late for as long as it takes. I know we were thrown off schedule when I got hurt, so, I'll try and make up for lost time, sir."

Not acknowledging what she said at all, Snape replied, "I see you finally had the opportunity to shower."

Hermione shifted uncomfortably in her seat, unsure of how to respond.

Sensing her change in mood from the previous night, and the use of the word "sir" not being lost him either, Snape asked her, "Hermione, is everything alright?"

Hermione felt a chill at the use of her first name, but pushed the feeling aside. She had to focus. "No, sir. I just wanted to let you know that I intend to be very focused on my studies, and..." she trailed off, not sure how to finish the sentence.

Snape's eyes grew cold, his posture straightening, the wall that had come down for her seeming to be built up again.
"Bullshit," he snarled. Hermione looked up at him, taken aback. "What is it you really want to say, Miss Granger? Had second thoughts?"

"...yes," she said in a small voice.

Snape looked at his hands, a sneer on his face. He was shaking.

"It's just...why me, Professor? You've always hated me. You've made fun of me for half of my life, and then suddenly I'm expected to believe that you have developed feelings for me? Me? The know-it-all Mudblood!" Hermione was trying not to cry- it seemed she done so much of it since becoming familiar with Snape.

At the sound of her calling herself such a filthy name, Snape stood and closed the gap between them so quickly it surprised her. "Do not ever use that word in front of me, Miss Granger. You are one of the most brilliant witches I have ever taught, much more so than any pureblood."

Snape sat back down, next to her this time. "But...why me, sir? You hated me."

"Where did you get that idea, Miss Granger?" he asked, knowing she had plenty of reasons, but hoping she wouldn't remember every rude thing he had ever said at her expense.
"You always called me a know-it-all. I was friends with Harry. I am Muggleborn. And...nevermind," she said, not wanting to continue.
"What?" he asked, "What were you going to say?"

"You probably don't even remember...it doesn't matter," she said, trying to sound casual and failing miserably.

"Tell me," Snape insisted.

Hermione sighed, knowing she had to get this off of her chest. "Do you remember when I was jinxed with a teeth-growing spell, and I asked you for help...you were the first Professor I saw, after all...and then you said...'I see no difference.' It was...awful. It was an awful thing to say, and it hurt."

Snape remembered the encounter vividly. He knew he had hurt her, but...he had an appearance to keep up. He told her as much, and her response was simply, "Now who's bullshitting?" She was smirking, but there was nothing behind it- her face was dark and worrying.
"Hermione, you're right. There is no excuse for it. I am so wrapped up in my...persona, if you will, that sometimes I forget words can hurt so much." He lifted her face up to his and looked directly into her eyes as he said, "I apologize for hurting you."

"Thank you," she whispered. After a few minutes of silence, Hermione said, "You still haven't answered my question." Snape looked at her quizzically and she continued, "Why me?"
He sighed as if extremely weary, and then said, "Do you really want to know?" She nodded, and he continued, "You...you remind me of Lilly."

Hermione pulled back a bit, taking in what he had just told her.
"So, I remind you of the woman you've been in love with all these years...great," she said, not liking this at all.

"Well, yes," Snape said, "But not in every way. Just in little ways. Lilly was never afraid to speak her mind, like you. She tried to keep me in line...it worked, for a few years. But, we would study together, and while she wasn't as...'fanatical' as you are, she loved learning. Lilly was muggleborn as well."

Hermione still looked uncomfortable and kind of angry, and Snape knew he would have to admit everything in order to make her understand. "Hermione, I swore I would never love another woman after Lilly was killed. And I haven't...but...you are the first person that ever made me question that vow. So...now you know."

Hermione could barely believe what she was hearing. She tried taking it all in, but was lost in the implications of what Snape had just admitted to her. Taking her silence as a negative, he turned away from her.

"But, I suppose if you cannot deal with...me on anything other than a professional level, of course I understand. I never intended-"

Hermione cut him short, her fingers pressed against his lips and a small smile danced across her face.

"Are you saying you could love me?"

He said nothing, but instead took her head in his hands and leaned in to kiss her. The kiss was gentle and sweet, with a hint of the passion that lay behind it. He broke the kiss and pressed his forehead to hers.
"I can try."