It Starts With A Dance

Chapter 11: Secrets


"Are you still visiting Mr. Wood in his imprisonment?" Severus asked right off the bat.


"Yes. Obviously; they moved his trial back, so we aren't sure when it will happen, and he needs at least some human company. They don't treat him well, and no-one else goes to visit him. I keep him company and bring him food. You'd be appalled by how they treat him; it is almost as if he's in Azkaban. All that's missing is the Dementors," Hermione shivered at the thought of the dark guard of Azkaban.


"You'd be amazed at what I can tolerate, Hermione," Severus said dryly. "You seem to think that my life started when you and Potter started school here. I hate to destroy your lovely illusions, but at twenty-five years your senior, I did live almost a full life before you were even a dream in your mother's heart."


Hermione swallowed hard. She hated to admit it, but Severus was right. She and her friends had often been guilty of assuming that all their instructors existed only at Hogwart's. Well, Hogwart's and Grimmauld Place. But she alone seemed to think that Severus hadn't existed until they'd met. Even after the dinner with Oliver and Severus, and the night they'd spent, she still had a hard time envisioning him outside Hogwart's. Tears were fighting to well, but she wouldn't give him the satisfaction.


"I wasn't waiting for a response, Hermione; I was merely making a statement. It is up to you to change how you think and act accordingly," Severus continued, trying to tweak her temper. Anything just to get a fiery emotion out of her, to get her to talk to him.


"And how do you think I should think and act; what is 'accordingly' to you?!" Hermione stood and started to shout. No-one likes to have a flaw flaunted, and Hermione is no different. "Maybe you should change your behaviour and act accordingly towards me!"


That was the ticket. But now Severus had to up the ante, he couldn't let things spiral out of control and have her leave again.


"I'll do that when you start being honest with and listening when I give you advice!" Severus was on his feet immediately, looming over her, taking the height advantage; six feet is nothing to ignore, especially in a powerful wizard and Legilimens.


"I'm just as honest with you as you are with me, Severus! Where'd you get those scars?" Hermione went for the jugular, knowing he'd hesitate to tell her. They were both sick in their own twisted way, but she'd come that way; she had a strange feeling he'd been turned.


"After you tell me why you ran from my rooms that night. What is so scary about a child, or spending more time with me?" Severus wanted to shake sense into her, then cast a spell so she'd never leave him, always his and hidden from the world that would hurt her. "Or was I right when I thought it was a pity fuck, you acquiescing to my own dark desires because she felt grateful and indebted?"


"How could you think that? I would never use sexual favors, and I really thought better of you, Severus. You should know~"


"Know what? I offer you a contraceptive potion because I thought that you would like some time to adjust to life here, with me, and you shook me off; when I asked about children, you ran. So tell me, Hermione, what am I supposed to know, and how the hell am I supposed to know it?!"


"Severus, it is more complicated than that. What we did that night. . . We weren't thinking. We had no boundaries. We did things~"


"I did things to you. You let me; you never mentioned that you didn't like them, or that you were disgusted. When I said that I didn't want to hurt you, you asked if I would if you asked nicely; things would be different if you'd said you preferred something else!" Severus was getting more frustrated as the argument continued, but he knew her voice wouldn't give out for hours. They could shout at each other for days, if they had the mind to.


"I never said I didn't like them! But how did you get that way? I know I've always been like that, I've just never had a partner quite the same way. And I think those scars have to do with why you like it so rough," Hermione said, the words spilling over one another as she ducked her head in shame. Such a confession, that she'd always liked rough sex, meant much to Severus. She wasn't condemning him; she was asking him to not condemn her.


"Bellatrix. She was an older Deatheater responsible for bringing me into the fold, so to speak. I was a virgin until I became a Deatheater. Rapists can be women as easily as men, Hermione, even when the body is willing," Severus said harshly, crossing his arms, defensively instead of offensively as he did when instructing.


"But the scarring ~"


"It didn't take long before I was stronger than Bellatrix, and I started attacking her before she attacked me. It started one time when I managed to overpower Bellatrix after a raid, not long before Albus would come and offer to help me, in exchange for information. . . "


~*~ flashback ~*~


I was tired after the raid; it wasn't as if it were the first time I had to go on a raid, but it was the first time I had to participate. They gave a me a girl barely old enough to menstruate. I was forced to take her in the circle, my reluctance overrun by Voldemort and the Imperio. She was so broken afterward that I had to break her neck to end her suffering. If she'd still been alive, Lucius and the other males would have passed her around, fucking her until she died of the physical trauma.


I still remember how she cried as she begged me first to stop, then whispering, begging me to kill her before the others could have her. She was maybe fourteen years old; I had just turned seventeen. Lily was marrying Potter, and I had taken out my frustrations on this girl; she had those green eyes. I did the only honourable thing left: I did as she asked me.


Bellatrix was waiting for me when I arrived back at the Stronghold, taunting me. Rudolphus had been the one to find the girl they'd given me, and he'd given Bellatrix a hair from the poor girl's head; Bellatrix had brewed a shoddy Polyjuice Potion from it, and she taunted and taunted me, begging me not to kill her, but to fuck her, to give it to her again.


I grabbed Bellatrix and dragged her to my rooms, an unintelligent thing to do at Stronghold. I started pounding her head against the floor, but she's always been too resilient for my tastes, and she took such pleasure from stealing any innocence she could find in anyone. I decided it was time she be on the receiving end.


I ripped her dress off, using my wand to bind her to the bed on her back. I was not in the mood for pleasure, but a simple charm not only woke me from my rest but enlarged my already large member. Bellatrix had often commented that the only thing she hated about taking me was how large I was. I made sure I was monstrous that night.


She had started screaming as soon as she realized why I was hard; not aroused, incensed. I slapped her face as I reached down and arched her back to I could aim better. I ripped into her, tearing her each time I moved in and out. When I was done there, I flipped her over and ravaged her ass. But I'd taken too long, and Rudolphus had come to see what was the matter.


As soon as he registered the scene, Rudolphus attacked me, ripping me off Bellatrix and throwing me to the ground. He'd always been weaker than Bellatrix, but my vengeance clouded my judgment and my power. He disarmed me and let Bellatrix up. By then, the Polyjuice had worn off, and she was already healing, a neat trick for Voldemort's inner circle.


Together they overpowered me, chaining me to my own bloody wall. Bellatrix wanted to kill me, to torture me to death, but fearing Voldemort's wrath if they killed his pet potions brewer, Rudolphus managed to stay her hand. He left the room so there would be no witness, and she tried to destroy me.


Grasping me in one hand she transfigured her wand into a dagger and tried to castrate me. Luckily the charm I'd placed earlier was still active, and the dagger could only dig at the skin, finally sliding off and dragging the scar up and across my lower back.


She laughed as I stayed chained to the wall, fearing I'd bleed to death. Back then I was the victim, but once I healed, I vowed never again to accept punishment.


I would only give it.


~*~ end flashback ~*~


Hermione stood stock still as Severus finished his story. He really hadn't been like her, it wasn't a choice for him. Bellatrix had turned Severus into what he was, standing there before her.


And she was just perpetuating the dead witch's abuse.


"Severus, I don't think we should do that anymore. Not if that's how you came into that culture. I don't want to let her continue to hold you," Hermione said, even though her thoughts were the polar opposite: If that's how he got those tastes, so what? It is what you both want. . . Nothing wrong with that. Besides, you're helping him to do what he likes, and he isn't hurting you. Aren't you supposed to supplicate yourself to what he likes? a niggling little voice said in her head, and she shivered at the implications. As much as she wanted to be noble, she wanted what he could offer more.


"Before you start thinking about being noble and cutting me off, I can assure you that I already liked those things. You could. . . thank Bellatrix for shoving them to the forefront, though. I would never hurt you, and if you want to stop that, then I will. But don't leave me alone, and don't think that you're perpetuating her tortures," Severus said, and even though he wasn't using Legilimency, he knew that was what she'd been thinking.


"And it was only after this that Albus came to you, offering you a way out?" Hermione said, putting aside her fear and shame.


"Yes. And as much as I. . . admire him, I think it was what he was waiting for. He needed me to break so he could offer me a way to fix myself. Lucky for you, though, he didn't 'fix' everything," Severus said, walking towards her, his arms at his sides. "I don't think I need fixing, and I don't think you do, either. And I know that I won't find that anywhere else. I think you know that, too."


Hermione closed her eyes as she felt his arms come around her, holding her as she wept for the sheer loss of innocence he'd had to go through, angry that he beloved Headmaster had waited so long to help him. It never occurred to her that Dumbledore had his reasons, convoluted and twisted as they seemed at times.


Severus led her back to a couch, sitting down and pulling her onto his lap so he could hold her. He could feel the tears in his own throat, but he refused to let them overcome him. He had questions to ask her, and he wanted to be able to ask them without choking over his own sorrow.


5 5 5 5 5 5 5


Hermione cried softly for a while, tension easing out of her while she sobbed over the wasted time and anger. Severus just held her, not asking anything of her, not angry, just accepting. She'd never have thought that way about him when she was younger; well, not until she'd dance with him and he'd save her from the Slytherins that had meant her harm. He was anchoring her while absorbing all her hurt and pain, blaming himself when there was nothing to blame, not really. They were learning about one another, and it was inevitable that they hurt each other once in a while.


But she'd hurt him so deeply. She knew then, drying her eyes and looking into his stoic face, his eyes so green they were black wells of pain that she couldn't keep anything from him, especially not herself. And certainly not a secret, as much as she hated that exposed feeling.


"Hermione, I want to know about the night that you ran out on me. I want to know why you left, why you were crying, and what set it all off," Severus said flatly. He felt for her, but he wanted answers. She made him give it up; it was only fair that she share as well.


"You'll be sorry you asked, Severus," Hermione tried to joke. "It really is nothing worth mentioning."


"If it is nothing worth mentioning, why did you bother to tell me it wasn't worth mentioning?"


He had her there. If it is important enough to cover up, it is too important to cover up, a little voice told her.


"To be honest, the idea of children scares me. And don't you laugh at me, Severus," Hermione gave him a pre-emptive scolding.


"Is that all, Hermione? I would never try to get you pregnant against your will. Plenty of women are scared of rearing children, labor, or both. But why did you run from me?" Severus said, his face serious, though his eyes weren't as flat as before.


"Because you are going to want children someday, now that the war is over and you've survived. I don't know that I want children at all. And once you realize that I may not want them, you're going to leave, going off to find a witch who will bear children for you. It isn't just labor that I'm afraid of; I don't know that I'm cut out to rear children, even with the help of a husband," Hermione said miserably. There, it was said, and if he wanted to leave, he could do it now and maybe he wouldn't ever know how in love she was with him. He could leave and maybe Hermione could find a job elsewhere, or go to the Ministry, or just find a nice man who didn't want kids, either.


Severus's voice caught in his throat. What could he say to that? He did occasionally feel that he wanted children; he'd loved Draco as a son, and he knew that if he'd been Draco's father, the boy would have been different. But then Severus wouldn't be with Hermione, either, and that was not acceptable. Yet through it all, Severus knew she was more important than anything else; if he lost her, it didn't matter. His life would be over ~ he'd exist without living, no matter what he tried to fill the void with.


"Hermione, leaving you, living without you ~ those are unacceptable to me. I don't know that I want children either, and I never even thought about it until I met you. I was a spy who never knew if he'd survive one meeting to the next. But you have no siblings, and you always spent so much time with the Weasleys ~ why don't you want a family of your own?"


Hermione snorted, a very unladylike action for her. "My parents were very, very clear about the fact that I was a 'surprise'. My mother in particular wanted me to know that I was not a happy surprise, and my father was too wrapped up in her to make up for what she couldn't give me. I fear I would love my husband or lover too much to treat my children the way they ought to be treated."


Quite the confession, Severus thought, shivering at the thought of a young Hermione thinking she was unwanted and a mistake, coming between her parents. But surely Arthur and Molly showed her differently.


"But all the time you spent with the Weasleys. Surely that taught you otherwise?"


"Harry and Ginny ran to the US because she's pregnant and Harry doesn't want the children to have the life he did ~ they aren't coming back until the kids are ready for Hogwart's. And Ron ~ well, Ron left because I won't give him the family he grew up with."


Severus growled low in his throat, shifting until Hermione grabbed his arm to calm him. Weasley had thrown her away because she refused to be a broodmare! Stupid git. . . but his loss is my gain, in the end, Severus thought to himself.


"What did he say about the matter, Hermione?" Severus said evenly, trying to keep his voice from rising.


"That he knew we'd have a brood just like his parents, all redheaded and smart and top quidditch players, and Gryffindors. He said that I just have to think about things, work through this 'idea' that I don't want to have children, and then I can come back and he'll marry me then. But I'm starting to think that it isn't much of a marriage if those are his conditions. They are so much for me, but kids seem to be par for the course for him."


"Did you tell him that?"


"What do you think? I'm here, not there, so what does it matter, whatever he or I said about the matter?"


Severus scowled darkly. She was closing up, shutting down the part of her that should be with Ron. He needed to know what had happened, to understand why Ron had thrown her away.


"What did he say, Hermione?"


"Nothing."


"Bugger it. Don't make me enter your mind to find out for myself."


Hermione paled. She swallowed hard, and Severus sighed, closing his eyes and relaxing so he could ease out of his mind and into hers.


"NO! He said that if I didn't know now, I'd never know. And if I couldn't say yes now, it meant I wouldn't be a good mother, even when I finally decided to have children."


Severus caught Hermione's chin in his hand. She looked at him and the tears were gone, replaced by a grave anger.


"I would be a good mother, Severus, I swear it on . . . I don't know, but I know that I would do right by my own children. They wouldn't feel the way I do," Hermione was angry, and loud, and she was shaking as he held her.


"I know. But you don't have to prove it, you know. That's part of being strong, Hermione. Knowing something, and wanting to show you know it, but not just showing someone to spite him," Severus said softly, wrapping his arms around Hermione and leaning her back.


"I wouldn't do something like that to spite Ron," Hermione said, her voice quiet as Severus began to kiss her neck. His favorite way to help is always going to be sex, a sing-song-y goody-two-shoes voice said in a scolding manner. And I'm always going to let him, answered the horned voice.


"But you would sleep with me to spite him, and Oliver, and whoever sent Oliver after you," Severus said, moving the collar of her shirt so he could see the mounds of her breasts over her bra.


"No. I 'sleep' with you because you're damned sexy and I l~ love you," she said, murmuring into his glossy black hair as he plucked her nipples through her lacy white bra, peaking them until Hermione's eye were dark, molasses colored orbs.


"Good to know. I love. . . that about you," Severus said, choking a bit as he couldn't say what he felt at that moment. He felt dirty after his confession, and he knew he needed her fire to burn him till he was clean again.


"Now we get to have hot, monkey makeup sex?" Hermione inquired, her voice husky and her body moving against his.


"Yes. Now we get to have hot monkey makeup sex."


"Can I be on top?"


"Never!"


"Fine by me."