Up the Duff

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They were in Severus Snape’s deserted classroom. Tom Riddle stalked back and forth across the room impatiently while Lucius Malfoy sat calmly on a desk swinging his legs as though he hadn’t a care in the world.

“Why are we here Lucius?” Tom asked for about the hundredth time.

Lucius sighed. “I already told you Tom. We’re waiting for Severus.”

Riddle shook his head in disgust. “You already swore a wizards oath not to harm him again.”

Lucius smiled. “I know.”

“Then why are we here?!” Tom demanded. “What do you want to see Severus for?”

“I have my reasons.” Lucius said calmly, still swinging his legs.

“Your reasons.” Tom scowled. “I never did understand you two. I would have expected you would try to kill Snape, and all you do is give him a bout of ferocious diarrhea.” Riddle sat down beside Lucius frowning. “As far as revenge goes that was pretty tame Malfoy. Why even bother?”

“I told you.” Lucius smirked. “I had my reasons.”

“You know, you two always were weird as hell.... And considering some of my death eaters that’s really saying something.”

Lucius nodded. Acknowledging the truth of his former masters statement.

“So… what was it with you two anyway?” Tom asked, genuinely curious now.

“It was....” Lucius hesitated. “Tom... You were a very powerful legilimens when you were alive.. Do you think you could still do it? It would be much easier for me to show you than it would be to try to explain it.”

“I don’t know.” Tom hesitated. “I could try… but you’ll have to let me in.”

Lucius nodded his consent. “Only go where I lead you though. No snooping.”

Tom laughed out loud at that. “Me? Snoop? Never.”


“Just try to stay with me Riddle.” Lucius said as he dropped his defenses and Tom Riddle immediately found himself drawn into the depths of Lucius Malfoy’s memories.

They were inside the Slytherin common room and a irritated, young Lucius Malfoy was working to herd a group of new first years into their rooms. Everybody scuttled as he issued orders and even the older Slytherin prefects darted to follow Lucius commands.

The girls all simpered as he spoke to them, and the males all either cringed in fear or sucked up to him as he moved about the room issuing orders. It may have only been his third year, but it was already plain just who was the boss of Slytherin house.

It was all getting on Lucius last nerve, truth be told. Sycophants and toadies, every one of them. None of them cared about anything, but his money and his name. All of them were useless.

Finally, everyone was in a room and Lucius collapsed back into a chair in the now empty common room. Blessed solitude at last.

“Blasted, worthless...” Lucius grumbled as he gazed into the fire. He heard a small noise beside him, and nearly pissed himself when he looked up to find a small, dark haired first year standing quietly by his chair.

“What are you doing here?” Lucius demanded as the boy stared back at him with unfathomable black eyes. “Where did you come from?”

“Waiting.” Said the boy. “In the shadows.” He pointed to a dark corner of the dungeon.

It was so dark there, and the boy was so dark himself that it was no wonder Lucius had overlooked him earlier.

“Waiting?” Lucius looked at the boy like he was a raving lunatic. “Waiting for what? Pray tell.”

“For someone to show me to my room.” The boy answered calmly.

Lucius waved a hand dismissively at the boy. “Go find a prefect. I don’t have time for you.”

The boy glanced around the empty room. “Its looks as though all you do have is time.” He said.

Was this little troll questioning him? Lucius was not accustomed to insubordination. “Look boy.” He growled. “You know who I am....”

“No.” The boy answered.

The blonds mouth fell open. A SLYTHERIN who didn’t know who he was? Lucius stood up and pulled himself to his full height so that he towered over the boy. “I.” he said imperiously. “Am Lucius Malfoy.”

The boy looked exceptionally unimpressed. “I.” He said clearly. “Am Severus Snape. Now if you could just tell me where my room is...”

“BOY..” Lucius roared, “I am Lucius Malfoy. I RULE this house! Slytherin answers to me and only me! No one dares defy me! No one dares question me! I am the Prince of Slytherin!” (Lucius was on the verge of a rather nasty hissy fit.)

Severus nodded. “I watched you a little earlier as my fellow first years were being separated.”

“Well then.” Lucius sniffed haughtily. “You know I speak the truth. My power in Slytherin is absolute.”

The small, dark head tilted to the side as though thoroughly studying the blond boy before him, and eyes as black as midnight seemed to pierce his very soul. “Yes, you speak the truth.” Severus admitted slowly. “And yet; no one likes you.... And you don’t have even one real friend.”


Without warning, Tom found himself removed from that memory and now found himself standing beside a smirking Severus Snape and an impressed looking Lucius Malfoy.

“Are you sure it will work Severus?” Lucius asked.

Snape rolled his eyes as he held up a vial, which Tom recognized with a start; as the very same one that Lucius had used to dope Severus with earlier. “Of course it will work.” Severus grinned. “I call it my “Full of shit potion.”

Lucius grinned back. “Well, if anybody was ever full of shit its Sirius Black.”

“And the beauty of it is...” Snape practically crowed. “Is they’ll just think he’s drunk and then...”

“They’ll give him a hangover remedy.” Lucius smirked.

“And that will kick in the full effects of the potion.” Severus looked giddy at the thought.

Once again, Tom found himself moved forward in memory as Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape sat and cheered in the Slytherin Quidditch stands as Sirius Black suddenly ran sideways into James Potter, nearly knocking them both from their brooms.

It took some skillful maneuvering on Potter’s part but he manage to retain control of his broom as Sirius took off with a whoop and flew upside down straight into the faculty viewing box.

Professor McGonagall was livid. She chewed Black, Potter and the rest of the Gryffindor team out for being so reckless, and was still shouting at them as they managed to drag a highly inebriated Sirius off the field.

James Potter had one arm supporting Sirius nearly boneless form while Remus tried to hold his friend steady on the other side.

Sirius had leered at Lily who was walking beside James, trying to find out what had happened.

“You know...” Sirius had slurred in her general direction. “I like big titty bitches.”

James Potter dropped Sirius without a seconds warning and stomped away, pulling Lily with him. Sirius hit the ground hard with Remus unable to hold him up alone.

“James!” Remus begged. “Help me. He doesn’t know what he’s saying!”

Reluctantly, Potter turned and started back to help pick Sirius up. Sirius had turned to Remus, blinking as he tried hard to focus his eyes on his face. “Yer a true frin Moonie.” He slurred. “And you ‘ave a nice arse fer a werewolf.”

Remus dropped him. Supported by no one now, Sirius just rolled on the ground howling.

“ARRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! AAARROOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! AAAARRRROOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”

From behind a nearby bush, Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy were laughing so hard they both nearly peed their pants.

Again, Tom found himself moved forward in time. He found himself once again with Lucius and Severus, but this time they were stationed outside the sixth floor Gryffindor boys bathroom.

The sounds that were coming from inside that room could only be described as unholy. Malfoy and Snape fled at the sound of footsteps rapidly approaching from the other side of the door.

James Potter staggered out looking truly green around the gills.

Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew came stumbling out a few seconds later. The three of them settled in a corner by a nearby window, opening it as far as they possibly could to get oxygen. The three of them looked as though they were getting ready to rob a stagecoach, with their shirts pulled up to cover their noses.

More demonic gurgling sounds ripped through the air as they stood there.

“Do you think he’ll be okay in there by himself?” Moonie murmured through the fabric of his shirt.

BartUyRRRRROOOOOPPP!!!!!!!SPPUUUUrrTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!SPUURRRRRRRINNKKK!!!!!!!

James Potter winced at the evil noise. “He’s going to have to be.” He said solemnly.



Tom found himself once again standing in Severus’s classroom. He blinked several times. It was disconcerting being in Malfoy’s mind one second, and back in the present the next.

“Just thought I should explain something to you Tom, so you would really understand.” Lucius grinned. “I gave Severus about three drops of that potion. He dosed Sirius Black with about a half a bottle.”

Tom’s eyes went wide with disbelief.

“Gryffindor tower reeked for weeks.” Lucius snickered maliciously .

“After it was determined that Black had been slipped a potion, Severus had to hide it well, so we wouldn’t get caught. He and I were the only two who knew what that potion was and where it was hidden. That’s why I chose it. I knew Sev would know I was the one who did it as soon as he figured out which potion had been used. “ Lucius grinned, “Now where were we?”

It was a few years later than they had been before, that much was obvious by the way both boys looked in this memory.

Lucius had to be a seventh year and head boy by this time, because he and Severus we’re alone in the head boys room of Slytherin.

As usual, Severus was busy studying while Malfoy was just lolling on the bed not doing much of anything.

Lucius watched Severus intently for several moments until finally the dark head had looked up to meet his gaze.

“What?” Severus had never been one to mince words.

“I was just wondering….” Lucius stretched, making sure his shirt rode up over his flat stomach as he did so. “Have you heard the rumors about Lupin and Black?”

Severus snorted. Everybody had heard the rumors about the two boys being lovers. “Yes Lucius.” Severus closed his book. “I have.... Why?”

By now, Severus knew Lucius well enough to know an opening gambit when he heard one.

“Well... I was just curious...” Lucius turned those steel gray eyes to his friend. “Have you ever thought about it... maybe... experimenting a little?”

Snape eyed his companion suspiciously. “Volunteering to bottom; are we Lucius?”

Severus was no fool. He knew that Lucius Malfoy had no intention of bottoming for anyone.

Experimenting was Malfoy code for, "I want to stuff my dick in your arse and watch you wiggle".

Lucius looked disgusted. “Just forget it.” He huffed, turning over onto his stomach.

“Already forgotten.” Severus smirked as he returned to his text.



The next leap they took was years into the future. This time Severus and Lucius were sitting in front of the fire at Malfoy Manor.

“I have something id like to ask you...” Lucius began.

“No.” Severus said, taking a sip of his tea.

“I would be honored if you would agree to be Draco’s Godfather Sev.” Lucius smiled hopefully.

“Absolutely not.” Severus said firmly.

“You would, of course be the one to take Draco and raise him if anything should ever happen to Narcissa and I. You would make a wizards vow that you would give your life to protect his.” Lucius looked thoughtful. “You should probably learn how to change a diaper; just in case...” He mused.

“Over my cold, dead body Malfoy.” Severus insisted.

The next moment he found himself with an armful of warm, blond baby boy as Narcissa, growing weary of the negotiating, decided to take matters into her own hands. The baby blinked up at Severus with Lucius’s gray/blue eyes and kicked its fat little legs as it cooed up at the scowling Potions master.

Severus sighed in defeat. “Fine.” He spat, as Lucius grinned. “But I want you both to know that I wont ever LIKE him.”



The memories flew faster now. An older Lucius and Narcissa going over the seating arrangements for a dinner party when suddenly an explosion rocked the very foundations of Malfoy Manor. Both of them hurtling pell mell down to the dungeons; only to discover an embarrassed, filthy Severus and a soot covered Draco peering up at them over an innocent looking cauldron.

The only things you could really make out in the dark gloominess of the dungeon, were the whites of Draco’s eyes and one tiny sprig of white blond hair that stood straight up and defiant above the rest.

“Ummm... Yes.” Severus coughed out a fog of black dust. “It would seem that we may have added the henbane just a little too quickly.”

Years later, the two of them alone in Lucius study. Both of them swilling scotch.

“So.... He’s back then”

Lucius nodded, taking another strong slug of his drink.

“Lucius....” Severus seemed on the verge of pleading. “You don’t have to.”

Lucius gave a bitter laugh. “We both have to, and you know it.” Malfoy slammed his glass down on the table. “What choice do we have?”

“Dumbledore...” Severus said hesitantly.

Lucius shot him a vicious glare.

“Draco....” Severus said, his voice cracking with rare emotion. “You cant want this for him.”

“Draco.” Lucius snapped. “Will do whatever our lord requires of him, as we all will!” Lucius picked his drink back up and drained it. “Or are you a traitor now my old friend?”

Snape stiffened. “I will never be a traitor Lucius.” Severus declared. “Because I shall always be true to what I believe is right.”

Lucius smirked. “That sounds almost Gryffindor Sev.”

“No need to be insulting Malfoy.” Severus grumbled as he prepared to leave in a huff.

“Severus…” Lucius spoke gravely, causing his friend to pause at the door. “If something should happen to me... Narcissa... Draco....”

In a husky voice, Severus answered him. “Do you even need to ask?”

A swirl of black robes. Severus was gone, and Lucius was alone.


Years later, a room that they both knew too well. Harry Potter dropping what was left of a bloody Lord Voldermort on the floor.

Many hours later; over in a corner of that same room, a lone figure on his knees clutched the lifeless body of a blond death eater to himself, and wailed in agony over the loss of his friend.

“You loved him.” Tom Riddle whispered in astonishment. In all the time he had known the two men, that was the one thing he had never considered as a possibility.

Tom found himself snatched rudely back to reality as the door to Snape’s classroom burst open and the potions master stalked to the center of the room.

“Lucius!” Severus hissed. “Where are you?”

The dark haired man scanned the seemingly empty classroom again. “I know you’re here Malfoy!”

“I still love him.” Lucius smiled as he watched Severus explore every nook and cranny of the room. “And I’m still not sorry about the potion I dosed him with. It was the least I could do. Just think of it as my way of saying hello....” Lucius smirked broadly. “Now if you’ll excuse me for a moment Tom..... I need to tell an old friend Thank You.”


tbc...