All the way II: And Even Further

"Mummy?!”

"What are you doing?" Hermione asked, peering over her husband. Eileen climbed carefully onto the bed and into Hermiones lap.

"I was looking for the mark." The girl said quietly.

Hermione was stunned. She didn't think Eileen knew about stuff like that.

"Well... um..."

"He has one, doesn't he, mummy?"

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Severus' eyes snapped open, he was about to say something, when he caught Hermiones gaze. She shook her head and millimeter each way. He closed his eyes again and listened, tense.

"Yes, sweetheart." He heard his wife say.

"But he's my daddy! He's not bad! He’s not supposed to be bad! You said he wasn't bad! You said!"

"I know I did," Hermione said quietly, "and he isn't bad, Eileen. He just made a mistake. Lots of people make mistakes, don't they? You know they do."

"Yes," Eileen said slowly, "So he was a Death Eater?"

It was hurting so much to hear Eileen say this. Severus knew she didn't understand, but in time she would. Now he fully realized the extent of his mistake and what it could cost him: his family. He didn't know how Hermione could stand to be around some one like him after... that. And now, or in the near future, Eileen would find out what and horrible person he had been and he could lose her as well.

"Was, darling. That's the important word." Hermione explained.

"Why did he make a mistake, though?" Eileen whined.

"I don't know, honey."

"Why don't you know?" She asked again.

"I just don't."

"Can I ask him?"

"I suppose," Hermione sighed, "but not now. Go back to bed."

"Can I see it?"

"I don't think -"

"Please, Mummy!"

"I... I suppose..."

Some one got off the bed. Eileen. Small fingers touched his arm and Severus wanted to yank it away. He tensed as Eileen followed the outline of the mark. It was almost gone, fading, but still there slightly, a reminder.

"Go to bed, Eileen." Hermione said at last.

"Can I stay with you?"

He guessed Hermione had nodded, because the mattress moved as Eileen climbed back on. Slowly, incase she was watching, he moved over a bit.

His eyes snapped open, surprised, startled and stunned as a small body curled into him, reached over and pulled his left arm across his body, holding onto it tight.

"M-m-mummy?" Eileen yawned quietly.

"Mmm?"

"Are you sure you don't know why?"

There was a nasty silence, which went unnoticed by only Eileen.

"I'm sure," Hermione said, "I don't know."

"Ok," Said the dejected girl.

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Eileen moved closer to her daddy. She was too tired to care about what he was, or had been, at the moment. That could wait for tomorrow.

She fell asleep quickly.

""""""""""""""""""""

Hermione was looking down on him, hair draped over one shoulder, eyes soft, smiling gently, glowing...

Then she realized he was watching her and rolled over onto her back. It had been such a horrible dream about decisions, favorites, moving shadows, loss, gain and then more loss. No structure, as such, more like feelings. Horrible feelings. And then... Hermione was there and Severus was awake.

But at that moment, there was something missing that, in his sleep hazed mind, he could not determine. Then it clicked.

"Eileen?"

"Ginny’s."

He sighed. Something skated over the back of his hand. He glanced down. Her delicate fingers were painting whispering touches over his skin. Barely making contact. It was more than he expected or deserved.

"Hermione...?" He didn't know what else to do or say.

"Don't," She said softly, "She'll understand in time."

"Eileen?" He asked. She nodded, she was talking about Eileen. "That... that is what I’m afraid of..."

"Don't be. She's your daughter; she'll love you no matter what you've done before -"

"But will you?" he asked. It was stupid, he knew, but he had to hear it from her.

"Of course," She said immediately, "I wouldn't be here otherwise."

"Last night you said you didn't know why I joined the Death Eaters..." He started.

"And I don't." She said quietly.

"Do you...? I mean... Do...?" The words were stuck in his throat.

"Do I want to know?" She managed to unstick the words, "If you want to tell me."

"Only if you want to." He stalled again.

"It's up to you."

"You choose -"

Hermione started to laugh, "Honestly, listen to us! We sound like children!"

There was silence. Her fingers danced, constantly, over his skin. He had learned that when Hermione laughed and made jokes at times like these, it was to hide nervousness, or fear, or sadness perhaps. It may make other people laugh, but it made his insides clench.

Then the silence became too heavy.

"Lonely," He sighed, "I suppose I was rather lonely. Power hungry. Yes, definitely that. Out for revenge. Mmmm... The Dark Lord? My idol at the time, I guess you could say. Very similar to a politician. Promise and gain followers. Gain followers and Gain power. Gain power and turn followers into servants. Use servants to take over the world. Kill servants incase they get any untoward ideas. I won't lie; I was a Death Eater once - a proper one. I murdered and..."

He couldn't say it. He took deep breath after deep breath, but it made no difference. The touches on the back of his hand stopped and he froze. Then a small hand slipped into his and he found his voice again.

"... and I liked it." He waited. Waited for the hand to pull away. But it didn't. It didn't even twitch. Not one bit. Still. "The... the power..." he tried to explain, "To have that type of power... like an addiction. We just went to him and there was another one... another person... muggle... faceless people. He made sure of that. Use muggles; build up our hatred, no one we knew, because that could turn us against him. Promise us more of that power in the future - unlimited - but keep us down, no more authority than necessary, because then we could rise up and rebel. But then... then it was some one I knew - Not that I liked, but that I knew. And it was my fault... ... ... But I didn't know! I swear I didn't know -!"

"I know," Hermione said quietly, "It wasn't your fault. Not really. I mean, if some one had promised me power and whatever else, I would consider it -"

"No you wouldn't." Severus said bluntly.

"You're right; I was just trying to make you feel better."

A small, reluctant smile pulled at the corners of his mouth. It wasn't funny really. Just... her tone of voice.

"Seriously though, I understand," She turned her head to look at him, "and so will Eileen, when she's older."

She squeezed his hand.