Who, What and Where am I?

Title: Who, what and where am I?

Summary: ‘Severus sat down hard as he extracted his mind from Potter. This could not be happening. It couldn’t be true! Potter was a spoiled brat, selfish and self-centered! He was not ‘boy’. He couldn’t be!’

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing! JK Rowling and her Publishers owns Harry Potter and anything associated with it.

AN: I want to thank everyone for reviewing but especially for stormy (on AFF) for the constructive criticism and ideas you gave. I’ll do my best to incorporate your suggestions into the fic.

Thank you ALL for your reviews, you’re the reason I keep writing!

A bit of humor in this chapter as you listen to Sev talking to himself. Followed by Harry’s depressing thoughts.


Chapter 11
Hope and Trust


Severus resisted the childish urge to scream and pull his hair out, but only just. He was currently sweeping through the castle along with basically every other professor in search of one, obnoxious, self-centered but very hurt boy.

Okay, so not hurt physically but Severus had seen the pain his words had inflicted on the boy reflected in those expressive eyes.

The guilt he had felt right after the boy had stormed out of his office had since disappeared and been replaced with anger. How dare the boy just up and go like that!

Never, in all Severus’s years of teaching had a student dare shout at him and then, as if that was not enough, storm out of his room, slam the door shut and all without a by-your-leave!

Thoughts assaulted Severus then and he realized, not without surprise, that it was his conscience.
Had he been a bit insensitive with his words?
The biggest part of his mind was screaming NO but yes, he should have chosen his words a bit more carefully but if he had, the boy just might have died of a heart attack. The smile forming on his face at that thought only half formed before he came to his senses and realized that he had almost smiled. Smiled! Severus was not a nice man and any indication to the other was just out of the question. And okay, so maybe having the boy die of a heart attack would also not be such a good thing.

Back to his insensitive words. The boy had rushed out as soon as he had uttered the words! He could have done nothing, could he?
Yes, he could have. He should have stopped the boy when he stood up and turned to rush out the door.

The boy had been too fast! He was… older… than the boy, and thus not quite up to speed.

His current stamina having nothing to do with the situation, Severus shoved the thought to the back of his mind.

Was he talking to himself?
Yes, he was talking to himself. That in and of itself was not so unusual but he had apparently resorted to answering himself as well. Great Merlin! The boy had turned him into a nutcase.

It had been two hours since the search had started and as Severus entered the girls bathroom on the second floor, yes, he was actually going into a girls bathroom, he exhaled in relief at finally putting an end to their search.

The boy was curled up in a tight ball in one of the stalls. The first thing Severus checked was to see if the boy was breathing and as soon as he had assured himself of that fact he checked for any self-induced injuries.

A miracle really that the boy had yet to resort to such measures of dealing but Severus was thankful for the fact all the same.

The soft breathing and slow up-and-down movements of the boy’s chest indicated that he was fast asleep. How the boy could sleep in such a position was a mystery but there was no time for that right now.

As Severus scooped the boy up in his arms and proceeded to the hospital wing an annoying voice in his head decided to point out the obvious.

He could have levitated the boy and it would have resulted in exactly the same but no, he had to go and pick the boy up manually.

Had he expressed what a nutcase the boy had turned him into?

The journey to the hospital wing went without incident and as soon as the boy was laid out on a bed Severus made his excuses and escaped… er… retired to his dungeons.

A mantra had formed in his head on the way to the dungeons and he was only too happy to keep repeating the words in his head, if only to keep him sane.

He hated Harry Potter. He despised the boy. Failure to point out all faults and failings in the boy was like sentencing himself to St Mungo’s. Yes, he hated the boy.


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Harry opened his eyes with unusual difficulty but closed it just as soon when he was assaulted with bright light.

What had happened?

Where was he?

Memories were slow in returning but return, they did. He remembered the pensieve, the ‘discussion’ with Professor Snape and the pain filled realization that what he had subconsciously hoped for had never happened.

Snape still saw him as an obnoxious, self-centered brat and didn’t care in the least what happened to him. Not that he wanted Snape to care, of course not!

He just wanted someone, anyone, to know Harry. The real Harry. Just Harry.

Why on earth had he thought that Snape could be that someone? Snape!

Snape didn’t care on way or the other what happened to Harry. The only thing he cared about was that no student of his died, or got injured on his watch.

It hurt more than he expected it to.

The fact that Snape had gone through the same that Harry had – to an even worse degree than Harry - had made him ….hope… had given him that small glimmer of hope that someone could understand, could help.

Now that glimmer was gone. Extinguished and drowned without a hope of ever being lightened again.

What was hope?

A word maybe?

What is the definition of hope?

What does hope mean?

According to the dictionary it’s to anticipate, aspire, assume, await, believe, cherish, contemplate, count on, deem likely, depend on, desire, expect, feel confident, foresee, hang in*, have faith, hold, long for, pray, presume, promise oneself, rely, suppose, surmise, suspect, think to, trust, watch for, wish

count on, depend on

Was that what he had done?

Was that what he had hoped to do, to find?

Some to count on?

Depend on?

Or was it that he had, for once in his life placed trust in someone?

Placed a certain level of trust in someone else and hadn’t even realized he had done so until that trust had been thrown back in his face.

Until that trust had been broken and left him cold and alone.

Was that what his hope had been?

Trust?

Harry never trusted anyone!!

Trust had hurt too many people and he had told himself that he would never place trust in someone else.

But if it was not trust then why did it hurt so much?

Why was he gasping for breath every time he thought of him! Every time he remembered their little sessions?

A sob escaped his throat.

Yes, he had trusted Snape.

Trusted him to care for that part of him which needed it the most.

To help him when he needed it.

To keep that hope alight within him.

That hope that gave him cause to trust.

But that glimmer was gone now.

Extinguished and snuffed out with no match or lighter in the immediate area to help light it again.

Hope and trust.

Why had he hoped?


End chapter 11

Sorry for the late update. I got into reading Cambiare Podentes again and just couldn’t stop.

Okay, a bit of humor at the beginning and then all that angst at the end!

What did you think?

Review please!