How To Disappear Completely

How To Disappear Completely
Chapter 11 – You Could Be Love

There was a silence in Severus Snape’s classroom as Hermione continued to search for him. It was when she noticed that the entry way to his room was wide open did the dread hit her. Did she repulse him so? Worry creased her as she let her mind wander back to the kiss. His lips weren’t forceful, but were perfect in their discovery. He did kiss her back…he did. But it was the fact that he pulled away from her that filled her with a cold dread that maybe she had been reading him wrong all of this time. Maybe all of those months of working together and all of those conversations were indeed meaningless.

“No…no.” Hermione whispered to herself. She knew better than to go down such a route. He did want her, just as she did him. Hermione finished up her work in the storage room, knowing that Severus would return any minute now. While completing the task at hand, she ran through the various things she would tell him, but he never returned. Even after she finished organizing everything and checking the ingredients three times, she gave up.

It was time for dinner and surely she would see him then, but she didn’t. If one were to look close enough, one would notice that Hermione was close to tears. Her appetite was squelched when she realized that he wasn’t going to show up.

Some tried to hold a conversation with her, but her half-hearted replies helped such trivial sentences end as quickly as they originally began. The one person she wanted to talk to wasn’t there. Her stomach began to swell with worry – endless thoughts questioning her actions and words.

Of course he wouldn’t want to kiss you. You have been invading his space for months. You are nothing more than a nuisance to him. You were his student less than twelve months ago, a thorn in his side, and now you desire him? As soon as he touched your scars he pulled away. Besides, why would anyone ever want you? You are nothing but damaged goods. Barren. Empty. Barren. Empty. Barren. Empty.

Hermione quickly left the table, not bothering to pick up after herself. She felt as if she were having a panic attack; her breaths were shorter, a slight sweat formed on her forehead. She rushed out of the dining hall seconds later, not knowing where she wanted to go or what she wanted to do. She contemplated going to the library, but knew that no matter where she went, she would be looking for him. She needed something, a distraction, but knew that any such effort would be useless.

“Where are you?” Hermione asked herself as she let her feet take control. She walked around the school, not knowing if she would find what she was indeed looking for. Making her way up to the Astronomy Tower, her footsteps took her to the last place she had yet to visit in her aimless walk. And it was there that she found him.

His back was to her; his robes being pushed around by a slight wind. She knew that he knew that she was now with him. The stars were out and the night was quiet. Not wanting to break the spell, but knowing that it would have to be done, Hermione blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

“Am I that repulsive to you?” Hermione asked, immediately regretting her question.

He didn’t answer her question. He just stood there, silent. The silence was what scared her the most. It was the same silence that she experienced at the residence of Indra Karnstein. The knowledge that she didn’t know what was to happen next returned.

“I’m sorry if my actions have offended you, but I’m not sorry that I did it. You…you have helped me so much these past few months and I can’t thank you enough. I just beg you to please not push me away. Don’t run away from me. Don’t run away from what it is we have.”

“And what exactly is it that we have Miss Granger?” Severus replied, coldness in his voice.

Hermione crept up to him, but didn’t get too close. She wanted to touch him, but was afraid that he would only walk away as he did earlier that day.

“I…I don’t know. I just know that I can’t do this alone.”

“Surely Potter would be more than willing to aide you in that quest.” He didn’t know why he said those words. He didn’t know why he tried to push away and deny himself a woman he greatly desired, especially if those feelings were reciprocated on her part.

“I can’t be someone you attach yourself to because I found you and brought you back here. You only feel these things because we are practically roommates. If Malfoy would be in my situation your affections would be swayed towards him, no? You only think you want me, and it’s best that we just let it be. You only think you want some sort of romantic relationship with me. It’s a phase Miss Granger.”

Not wanting to be angry, but falling to such feelings easily, she replied, “You know, I’m sick and tired of people thinking they automatically know what is best for me. I’m an adult the last time I checked! You don’t mean those words that you speak. You can’t even turn around and say them to my face! You can fight a war and win it, but you can’t allow yourself to be happy and loved.”

Hermione slowly inched closer to Severus. His back still to her, she reached out to touch him, but refrained from such an action. Deciding, after a few moments of worry, she rested her head against his back. She was close to his shoulder blades, and while she was tempted to wrap her arms around his torso, she wasn’t that brave.

Severus didn’t know what to do when he felt her against him. He wanted to grab her and never let go, but he still, even now, couldn’t face her. When she gently grabbed his arms, he felt that her embrace would shatter him into a million pieces, but still, he didn’t move.

“I’m here Severus!” Hermione whispered as she willed her tears away. “I’m here.”

“Hermione, you think I don’t desire you, but I do, and those feelings frighten me. I want to touch you. I want to kiss your nightmares away. I want you in the throes of passion and I sometimes imagine what you would look like beneath me. I want to show you what lovemaking is really like. You’ve got me under a spell that I never wanted to be under, but I don’t want to pull away from it. You could NEVER repulse me Hermione.” He said, never turning to face her.

“Then why so cold?” Hermione replied.

“It’s in my nature. I can’t change who I am and what I’ve become.”

It was then that Hermione dared face him. “But I see you Severus…the REAL you.” She said as she gently grabbed his face. “I’m not asking you to change; I don’t expect you to change. I just want you to let me in. You are the man who didn’t forget about me.”

And with those words, he closed his eyes and shuddered at the image of her when he first discovered the girl in the blood stained dress. He didn’t mean to be so harsh when he backed away from her and turned to his original position when she found him.

“You deserve to be happy…we deserve this chance. If you want me, I’ll wait for you, but I can’t wait forever Severus.” He heard her retreat from him, still, never turning to look at her. The breeze continued its assault, and while it left him with a chill, her words as she walked away left him even colder.

“Please don’t push me away.”

He could hear the tears in her voice. How could someone make him feel so naked when he was fully clothed? His vulnerabilities were there for her to pick and prod, but he knew that they both were reluctant to reveal such things to others.

Severus stayed rooted to the spot for another half hour.

By the time Hermione made her way back to her room, she was too exhausted to scold the snogging Hufflepuffs she saw in the hall. She just wanted to go to bed and forget about her failed attempt at reaching Severus. The afternoon was perfect. She felt his wanting and desire, and now that she had some confirmation of his feelings, she felt even more confused. There was a slight blush of her cheeks when she thought back to his words of love making, but she knew that she could only do so much. If he couldn’t meet her there, then there was truly nothing she could do. It worried her; his stubbornness was a quality to be admired at times, but now, that trait would determine her relationship with him.

Trying not to focus too much on it all, she charmed the music box to play a random song or two to lull her into sleep. Within ten minutes she was asleep.

Severus made his way back into his rooms and noticed that Hermione wasn’t waiting up for him. In his mind, as he walked into the entrance, he imagined her there waiting for him. However, the fireplace was on, but she was nowhere to be found. Her words tore at him and while he would never admit out loud that everything she claimed was true, he knew that she was right.

He found himself walking to her room under the misguided belief that he was checking up on her. Opening her door he found her asleep. He knew he should have left well enough alone and just left her in peace, but he ended up walking towards her bed. He watched her sleep, a peaceful look finally after months of nightmares.

Slow in his approach, Severus made his way to her bed and an uncontrollable pull made him lie down next to her on the bed. As he placed his head on one of her pillows, he watched her, taking the chance that she might not be so keen on him taking such an initiative considering their conversation a while ago. She was lying on her side, facing him. Her arm slightly touched the pillow he was using, her somewhat concealed scars standing out, even in a room slightly illuminated by the moonlight. He just wanted to watch her for a few minutes. Nothing more. Nothing less. He thought back to her words of being willing to wait for him, but that wait would be a limited one. Severus grabbed onto her hand and watched her, knowing that the burning inside of him wasn’t going to disappear any time soon.

“Hermione.” Severus softly whispered.

She moaned in response to a word she thought she was dreaming.

Enthralled by her, Severus offered her four more words before closing his eyes and giving into sleep, his hand still holding hers.

“You could be love.”



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