The Phantom of Idiocy
folder
Harry Potter › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
12
Views:
6,006
Reviews:
67
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Harry Potter › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
12
Views:
6,006
Reviews:
67
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Luxurious Locks of Lucius Malfoy
Snape sits alone in his dark dungeon office, brooding on the recent events of the week.
Could it really be that a woman so wonderful and pure as Hermione Granger wants to spend the rest of her life with me? It couldn’t be…she must be delirious…I’m scum! I’m an Ex-Death Eater! Everyone hates me! She’s probably got a bet going with Potter and Weasely that she can seduce the wretched Potions Master, and tear his heart in two for the sport of it! That bitch!
Growing angry at the thought, Snape hurls a jar of some dangerous potions ingredient across the room. It splatters and disintegrates the very stone it touches. The magical walls scream and wail in pain, but he takes no notice.
Just then, Lucius Malfoy appears in his study. His sheet of white hair is an image of perfection. It shines and glimmers and ripples as though it is made of a liquid. His cloak is dark green, so dark, its almost black. The material of the cloak is velvet. Lucius glides his hands slowly and sensuously up and down the cloak, caressing himself (this is out of habit because he loves the luxurious feel of velvet so much). Suddenly, a mysterious breeze blows through the room. It brushes his hair back and swirls the cloak around his body, making Snape feel strangely aroused. This breeze is followed by a glow of golden light…the light illuminates his chiseled features and flawless complexion. The light strikes Snape as particularly odd, due to the fact that it is the dead of night. The whole effect of this seemingly miraculous display makes Lucius look like some sort of radiating Sex God.
“What the fuck are you doing here? How’d you get into my office?” Snape exclaims.
“I apparated.”
“But according to Hogwarts, A History-“
“Everyone knows that book is a load of shit, Severus. A wizard can apparate where he pleases. Whiskey?” Lucius purrs, as he conjures some out of midair.
“Well, I already drank 8.573 bottles of Firewhiskey, but why not?” Snape bows his head and takes the rather large glass. After chugging it and smashing the glass in the fireplace out of an eccentric dramatic habit he picked up, he turns on Lucius.
“Why are you here?”
“Does a Wizard need a reason to visit an old friend?” Lucius asks, an odd, deranged smile on his face.
“Stop playing games, and get on with it!” Snape growls.
“Oh, all right Old Chap, no need to be so violent! I only dropped by to tell you that if you marry Hermione Granger, I’ll kill you. There, I’ve said it.”
Snape rolls his eyes. “Kill me, eh, why?”
“Because…she is close allies with Harry Potter, and I need her to marry my son so we can use her to gather information that would be invaluable to the Dark Lord,” he finishes, in a very matter-of-fact way.
“Oh, right, the Dark Lord…” Snape mumbles, remembering that he’s supposed to act like he cares. “But you know Lucius, I too work for the Dark Lord, and would be happy to ‘take the blow’ of marrying Miss Granger, as it were…”
Once again, Lucius smiles in that manic way of his. “Oh Severus, you always did have a great compassion for my son. Very well, I accept your offer.”
“Really?” Snape asks, aghast. He didn’t expect it to be that easy to satisfy Lucius.
“I know…it is a bit of a shocker. But the thing is, Severus old chap, that I really don’t feel like hindering the plot line of this lurid romance any longer…in fact, I rather look forward to future chapters that will inevitably contain rather raunchy sex scenes…” Lucius rubs his chin, as if picturing these supposed chapters at this moment.
“What the hell are you taking about? What chapters?” Snape demands.
“Oh, uh….nothing!” Lucius responds, rather unconvincingly, as he apparates on the spot, only to be spliced for his insolence.
Could it really be that a woman so wonderful and pure as Hermione Granger wants to spend the rest of her life with me? It couldn’t be…she must be delirious…I’m scum! I’m an Ex-Death Eater! Everyone hates me! She’s probably got a bet going with Potter and Weasely that she can seduce the wretched Potions Master, and tear his heart in two for the sport of it! That bitch!
Growing angry at the thought, Snape hurls a jar of some dangerous potions ingredient across the room. It splatters and disintegrates the very stone it touches. The magical walls scream and wail in pain, but he takes no notice.
Just then, Lucius Malfoy appears in his study. His sheet of white hair is an image of perfection. It shines and glimmers and ripples as though it is made of a liquid. His cloak is dark green, so dark, its almost black. The material of the cloak is velvet. Lucius glides his hands slowly and sensuously up and down the cloak, caressing himself (this is out of habit because he loves the luxurious feel of velvet so much). Suddenly, a mysterious breeze blows through the room. It brushes his hair back and swirls the cloak around his body, making Snape feel strangely aroused. This breeze is followed by a glow of golden light…the light illuminates his chiseled features and flawless complexion. The light strikes Snape as particularly odd, due to the fact that it is the dead of night. The whole effect of this seemingly miraculous display makes Lucius look like some sort of radiating Sex God.
“What the fuck are you doing here? How’d you get into my office?” Snape exclaims.
“I apparated.”
“But according to Hogwarts, A History-“
“Everyone knows that book is a load of shit, Severus. A wizard can apparate where he pleases. Whiskey?” Lucius purrs, as he conjures some out of midair.
“Well, I already drank 8.573 bottles of Firewhiskey, but why not?” Snape bows his head and takes the rather large glass. After chugging it and smashing the glass in the fireplace out of an eccentric dramatic habit he picked up, he turns on Lucius.
“Why are you here?”
“Does a Wizard need a reason to visit an old friend?” Lucius asks, an odd, deranged smile on his face.
“Stop playing games, and get on with it!” Snape growls.
“Oh, all right Old Chap, no need to be so violent! I only dropped by to tell you that if you marry Hermione Granger, I’ll kill you. There, I’ve said it.”
Snape rolls his eyes. “Kill me, eh, why?”
“Because…she is close allies with Harry Potter, and I need her to marry my son so we can use her to gather information that would be invaluable to the Dark Lord,” he finishes, in a very matter-of-fact way.
“Oh, right, the Dark Lord…” Snape mumbles, remembering that he’s supposed to act like he cares. “But you know Lucius, I too work for the Dark Lord, and would be happy to ‘take the blow’ of marrying Miss Granger, as it were…”
Once again, Lucius smiles in that manic way of his. “Oh Severus, you always did have a great compassion for my son. Very well, I accept your offer.”
“Really?” Snape asks, aghast. He didn’t expect it to be that easy to satisfy Lucius.
“I know…it is a bit of a shocker. But the thing is, Severus old chap, that I really don’t feel like hindering the plot line of this lurid romance any longer…in fact, I rather look forward to future chapters that will inevitably contain rather raunchy sex scenes…” Lucius rubs his chin, as if picturing these supposed chapters at this moment.
“What the hell are you taking about? What chapters?” Snape demands.
“Oh, uh….nothing!” Lucius responds, rather unconvincingly, as he apparates on the spot, only to be spliced for his insolence.