The Darkness in Her Heart

Chapter Eleven: The First Battle

Severus paced around number 12 Grimmauld Place, waiting for the Order to return from the Department of Mysteries. He cursed under his breath that he couldn’t help. Damn double agent roll, he thought to himself. He wandered into the kitchen to find Molly and Arthur Weasley anxiously awaiting results.

“Any news?” he snapped.

“Nothing. Albus just left, so hopefully we’ll know soon,” Molly replied.

Severus resumed his pacing. “This never would have happened if I’d continued with Potter’s Occlumency.”

“Severus, you can’t blame yourself,” Arthur said.

“No, I blame Kreacher. Where is that little menace? I’ll kill him!” he shouted. He stormed off into the hallway, screaming. “WHERE ARE YOU YOU LITTLE IMP?!” he raged. He awoke the portrait of Mrs. Black.

“FILTHY MUBLOODS! BLOOD TRAITORS--” Snape sent her a murderous look and revealed the Dark Mark on his arm. She immediately allowed him to close her curtains. He continued his search for the traitorous house elf.

He finally found him skulking around Buckbeak’s room. He was cackling madly. Severus ran up and grabbed him and smashed his head into the wall. “You vile, disgusting traitor!”

“The spy cannot hurt Kreacher,” the elf cackled, laughing maniacally.

“I wouldn’t count on that,” he snarled in his most dangerously silky voice. “Serpensortia!” A huge black snake crawled out of his wand and wrapped itself around Kreacher. Severus was right. His serpent could do more damage Lupin’s had done at the Order meeting. It slowly squeezed the life out of Kreacher. He was unconscious and near dead by the time Arthur Weasley came in and rescued him. “What did you do that for?” Severus growled. “It’s not as if he’s any use to the Order.”

“You may be right, but Dumbledore wouldn’t want us to hurt him. He might know something about the Malfoys that we can use against them.”

“Indeed,” he said, his eyes narrowed. He looked at his watch. 5:30. “They should be back by now. Aren’t you the least bit worried? Two of your children are there fighting full fledged Death Eaters.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I’m worried, but throttling Kreacher won’t solve anything. Come down to the kitchen. Molly’s making coffee.”

“I don’t want any bloody coffee. I want my woman.”

“Ah, I see. I didn’t realize you cared so much for Tonks.”

“Well how would you feel if it was Molly out there?”

“Terrible… I’ve seen her duel,” he chuckled.

“Arthur, this is no laughing matter! Tonks could die. I’ve seen how Death Eaters fight! Hell, I’ve been one of them fighting! They could tear her to shreds.”

“I think you underestimate her. She certainly held her own the other day.”

“That was different. The Dark Lord trains each of his best servants personally. They’ll know things the others don’t. And what chance do the kids stand against them? You don’t know how mad Bellatrix Lestrange is. Or how maniacal Lucius Malfoy is. Not even the great Harry Potter could handle him. There are times when I wonder if I could.”

“I’m sure you could. Let’s just hope neither of them is there.”

“Oh, I’m sure they are. They’re in his inner circle. He always sends them on missions,” Severus snapped.

“Did he train you?” Arthur asked quietly.

“What the Hell kind of question is that?” he snarled.

“I was just wondering…”

“Well keep your fat nose out my business!”

“Severus, you’re not one to be complaining about other people’s noses,” Arthur said calmly. Severus sneered at him. “Would you like to be left alone?”

“He FINALLY understands. I can see that you’re children get their brains from you,” he said viciously. Arthur spun on his heel and walked out, furious. “Oh what are you looking at?” he spat at Buckbeak. Buckbeak pulled his ears back in a menacing fashion and Severus thought it best to retreat. He wandered through the house until he came to one of the bedrooms. He flopped down on one of the beds and waited for news. Hours past and he found himself pacing again. Finally, around 7am, Molly came in.

“The kids are all okay!” she announced happily.

“How’s Tonks?” he asked immediately.

Molly frowned. “She didn’t fare as well as everyone else--”

Severus ran to her and grabbed her by the shoulders. “Just tell me she’s alive!” he shouted, shaking her.

Molly shrugged him off before answering. “She’ll live, but she’s in St. Mungos for observation.” Severus backed up, about to Apparate. “Wait, don’t you want to hear about everyone--” He Disapparated. “—else? Hmm, guess not.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“I’m here to see Nymphadora Tonks,” Severus spat breathlessly.

The receptionist didn’t even bother to look up. “Spell Damage. Fourth floor.”

Severus ran off without a word. He quickly found her room and rushed to her side. She was unconscious and had a bandage over her head, blood seeping through it.

He cursed Voldemort under his breath and took the seat by her bed. He thought about all the people he knew that would sit talking to unconscious people. He sneered at the mere thought of it. No, he would sit patiently, waiting for her to wake. He checked his watch. 8:00. It’s still early, she’ll wake up.

Nine o’clock came and passed. This chair is very uncomfortable.

Ten o’clock. I should have brought a book.

Noon. I wish they would bring me some food. As if on cue, a trainee Healer came in and brought him lunch. He finished it quickly and got back to his waiting.

Three o’clock. Maybe I should leave and go get some papers to grade. He got up to Apparate when she stirred in her sleep, the blanket dropping just below her chest. Can’t hurt to wait a little longer.

Six o’clock. Merlin, she looks good in that hospital gown. No, wait, she’s sick. Bad thoughts! He immediately pulled the blanket up, covering her.

The same trainee Healer came in and brought him dinner. “You could try talking to her, that seems to help.” Severus glared at him and he scampered away.

Eight o’clock. I’ve been here all damn day, Tonks. Time to wake up now. I’m getting bored. The trainee walked in to collect his plates and again told him to try talking to her. He sneered again. I? Severus Snape, talk to someone who can’t hear me? Preposterous!

Ten o’clock. I guess it can’t hurt to say a few words. “Wake up.” Nothing happened. I knew it was a stupid idea.

Midnight. That hospital bed is looking pretty good right about now. He considered transfiguring it to accommodate two people when she stirred again. Maybe I should try talking to her again. But what to say? It doesn’t matter, it’s not like she’ll hear it anyway. “Tonks, love, I’ve been here all day. If you don’t get up soon I’m going to ravish you in your sleep,” he said sarcastically.

“Boy, you sure know how to woo a girl, Severus,” Tonks murmured, opening her eyes slowly.

"Tonks! You're awake. I didn't realize. I mean, I didn't. nev never would have said that otherwise--"
“Severus, I’ve been awake and waiting for you to say something. Didn’t anybody ever tell you that it helps to talk to unconscious people?”

He smacked his head at the irony. “I told you to wake up,” he said bitterly.

“That doesn’t count. I was waiting for a proclamation of your undying love.”

He sneered at her. “Well, now that you’re awake, what happened? Is everyone okay? Molly told me about the kids, but I left before she told me anything about the Order.”

“We can talk about all that later. I’m too tired to think right now,” she responded meekly. “Would you please tell the Healer I’m awake before I pass out again?”

Severus left and came back with the trainee shortly. “Ah! You’re awake at last. Did you try talking to her?” he asked Severus.

“Oh, he talked alright,” she smirked.

The trainee smiled triumphantly. “I TOLD you it would work!”

Severus glared at him. “You’ve been here all day; don’t you have a home to be getting to?” he said nastily.

“Nope, we trainees are on call 24/7.” He pulled his wand out of his pocket and mumbled a few incantations. “Okay, you’re good to go. But you should stay in bed for one week at the least. And absolutely NO hanky panky,” he said in such a severe voice it shocked even Severus. He gathered up his wand and left them in silence.

“Well, do you think you have the strength to Apparate?” he asked, sitting next to her on the bed, taking her hand in his. She lay back into the pillows and shook her head. “Alright, just hold on to me. I think it would be best if we took you to Hogwarts as we have Madam Pomfrey at our disposal should we need her.” Tonks mumbled her assent before sitting up and placing her arms around Severus and her head on his shoulder. She promptly passed out. With a loud POP! they Disapparated.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It was a few days before Tonks fully regained use of all her limbs. Severus had to help her with even the simplest things. She couldn’t even walk to the loo on her own. He sneered at her helplessness at times, but for the most part helped willingly. He especially enjoyed giving her sponge baths every morning and evening.

“Can’t ever be too clean you know,” he told her one evening, sloshing water over her chest.

“Yes, dear, I know that. But I don’t see why you insist on taking such time in certain areas,” she retorted.

He grinned wickedly as he washed between her legs. “Well, proper hygiene is an important part of recovery.” He leaned forward and kissed her for a moment before returning to his work. It was to his dismay that on her fourth day he awoke to find her in the shower.

“Morning,” she said chipperly as she emerged from the shower with a fluffy white towel draped around her shoulders. “It would seem that I don’t have any clothes here, so I sent a house elf for a school uniform. Has it arrived yet?”

He walked over to his bed and brought her the uniform and a clean set of his robes. “I was wondering why that was sitting on my bed. Do you need help getting dressed?” he smirked.

He grinned at him. “Of course,” she smiled. He removed her towel and walked her over to the bed. He dropped her towel to the floor. He leaned down to pull her knickers on. He trailed kisses up her legs as he did so. Next he pulled on her bra, stopping to stare at her chest. Grudgingly he buttoned up her white shirt.

“You know, since you’ll be spending the rest of the day in bed, you really don’t need a full uniform,” he informed her devilishly.

“You’d like that wouldn’t you?”

“Indeed.”

“Normally I wouldn’t mind, but as I’ve been living in a hospital gown for four days, full clothing is ideal.” He bitterly complied. “Have you got any food? Feels like I haven’t eaten in days.”

“Love, that’s because you haven’t been able to hold anything down. Are you sure you want to try now? I don’t fancy spending my morning casting cleansing spells again.”

Tonks blushed. “Sorry about that, but that battle the other day really drained me.”

“Are you finally ready to talk about it? I’ve been trying to get the story from Albus for days, but he keeps telling me he wants you to tell me.” Tonks’ eyes suddenly welled up with tears and she lost her balance. Severus caught her just before her head hit the floor and carried her over to the bed. She burst out in sobs as collapsed into Severus’ arms. “Shhh,” he whispered, patting her back awkwardly. Okay, Tonks, I don’t like crying women… You can stop now…

“I’m s-sorry to be c-carrying on this w-way,” she blubbered. “I kn-know you d-don’t like crying women. B-but it was awful!” she bawled into his arms.

“Let’s not talk about it now,” he said soothingly. DAMNIT WOMAN! Now I HAVE to know what happened. “I think you should just lie back and try to get some sleep. Would you like me to stay with you?”

“P-please. But d-don’t you have cl-class to t-teach?”

“The students went home yesterday. And the Minister of Magic has given you two weeks to recuperate. You’re welcome to stay here, or we can go to London if you like,” he said gently. Her crying subsided and he stopped patting her back. Finally. I bet someone died… Hope it was either werewolf boy or dog face.

“N-no, we c-can talk about it--”

“Absolutely not,” he said in a harsher tone than he meant to. More tears spilled and he was sure he was the cause of them. “Come on, lie down. I’ll stay with you.” When she didn’t move he stood up, lifting her, and put her under the covers forcefully. He slipped in next to her and took her in his arms. She cried herself to sleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A week later found Tonks in full health, both emotional and physical. Severus had been nagging her for days to tell him what happened at the Department of Mysteries. Every time she had burst out crying. Today, she told herself, she would tell him.

“I think I’m ready to talk about it now,” she said while they sat by the fire one night, her in his arms.

“Oh?” he asked, arching his eyebrow.

She sniffled a bholdholding back tears. “Yes. When we got there, half the kids were out of the fight and Death Eaters had cornered Harry…” She spent the next half hour going into great details about the battle. “… and then Sirius fell through the veil!“ She openly wept at that.

“The veil? What veil?” I know what veil, but I want to hear from her lips that that bastard is gone forever! Tears streaming down her cheek, she buried her head in his chest, unable to continue. “Thank you for telling me all that, we can discuss it further tomorrow.” He helped her to his bedroom and held her for half the night while she cried. Why on earth is she crying for him? Didn’t she threaten to have him Kissed not too long ago? I will never understand the way a woman’s mind works… With that thought in mind he fell asleep, elated about Sirius’ demise.

He woke up the next morning to find Tonks watching him, her eyes bloodshot. He kissed her forehead. “Feeling better today, love?” he inquired gently. She nodded. “Do you want to talk more about the battle?” She shook her head. “Can I ask a few questions?” She nodded her head again. “The veil you spoke of, was it in the Death Room?” Nod. “And Black fell through it?” Nod. “So that means he died?” Nod. He had to turn his head so she wouldn’t see his demented smile.

Unfortunately for him, she saw his glee and sat bolt upright, livid. “Severus Snape, what the hell is that expression on your face?” He quickly went back to his expressionless mask and sat up, taking her hand. She ripped her arm away from his grip and smacked him hard across the face.

“What was that for?” he asked briskly, rubbing his cheek.

“You’re glad he died, aren’t you?” she screamed incredulously, tears streaming.

“Glad isn’t the right word.”

“What is the right word.”

“I really don’t think we need to get into this,” he said coldly.

“Oh, I think we do. Sirius was a valued member of the Order and a close personal friend.”

“He was a cleaning boy and my own personal tormentor since I was in school,” he spat bitterly. She raised her hand to slap him again, but he grabbed her wrist and threw her beneath him, pinning her to the bed. When he spoke it was in his most dangerously silky voice, and it was so soft she had to strain her ears to hear him. “If you ever raise your hand to me again, you’ll wish I’d never nursed you back to health.” She looked at him fearfully and her tears turned to cries of anger. “And stop crying, it’s getting on my nerves.” It was a long time before he released her. When he finally did she was shaking with rage.

“You, Severus Snape, are an animal. I can’t believe I fell in love with you. You’re vile and unfeeling. It was ridiculous to think you could feel anything but spite for another human being. Sirius Black died protecting the one person he cared most about, which is more than you will ever be able to say. He was a hero, you’re a monster. And furthermore--”

He shot daggers at her and she silenced herself. “I just spent the last week and a half of my life nursing you back to health and this is how you repay me?” He still spoke in his silky voice, scaring her. “By spending every waking moment weeping over a man that wanted to kill me when we were boys?” She looked at him, shocked. “Or didn’t your ‘close personal friend’ tell you? When we were young he tried sending me to the Shrieking Shack during a full moon. This was before the days of the Wolfsbane potion, so had James Potter not come to his senses and warned me, Remus Lupin would have ripped me to shreds.” She just stared at him, aghast, before letting more tears fall. He pulled her towards him and let her cry into his shoulder. She threw her arms around his neck, pulling him back to the warmth of the sheets.

After her crying subsided, she spoke quietly, her breathing labored. “I-I never knew… At least James saved you. You didn’t die. I don’t even like to think of what my life would be like had I never met you.”

He wrapped his arms around her and let his voice go back to normal. “Now you see why I don’t plan to mourn the loss. Actually, it puts a smile on my face to think of what happened to the Marauders.” She struggled to get out of his arms, but he didn’t let her go. “Now, now, hear me out. The great James Potter, aka Prongs, Seeker extraordinaire, was killed personally by the Dark Lord. Remus Lupin, aka Moony, is a werewolf who can’t get a job. Peter Pettigrew, aka, Wormtail, was forced to cut off his own hand. And Sirius Black, aka Padfoot, finally got what was coming to him. He spent half his life rotting in Azkaban and was then offed by a member of his own family. Personally, I always wanted to be the one to take care of that constant thorn in my side, but alas, Bella beat me to it. I must remember to thank her for that. ” Tonks was now squirming so forcefully against him that he let her go. When he did, she again raised her hand to slap him. Again, he grabbed her wrist. His silky voice was back, his eyes narrowed. “I think I made myself perfectly clear as to what would occur should you raise your hand to me again,” he snarled dangerously. He pulled out his wand and she was magically bound to the bed.

“Severus, what are you doing?” she asked fearfully, straining against the invisible ropes binding her.

“There will be no need to talk. Silencio.” She screamed, but no sound came out. “Now, let me explain to you why I disapprove of domestic violence.” He got from the bed and began to pace as he spoke. “You see, when I was a boy, my father used to beat my mother. Oh yes,” he added, seeing her horrified expression. “He never used to hit me. Only her. Then, when I was seven, he killed her. He made me watch, screaming that if I moved a muscle he would kill me next.” Tears started pouring down Tonks’ face. “He didn’t use the simple Avada Kedavra, no, he was a man who liked to torture. He used the Cruciatus Curse on her until she slipped into insanity. And did he put her out of her misery then, you ask? No, he did not. He raped her first. And then he did it? I can hear your thoughts, so I know that was your question. My father was a man who loved pain. After he deranged her, he put away his wand. He used a muggle hunting knife. Just slid into her like she was butter.* And I watched the whole ordeal, start to finish. But surely he was sent to Azkaban? No, no. My father was a pureblood, like the Malfoys. He claimed Muggles broke into the house and killed her. Of course the Aurors questioned me about it, and I must admit I thought of telling the truth. But the look in my father’s eyes said it all: Breathe one word of this and your death will be much worse. So I lied. I said I was at a friend’s house. But of course, I didn’t have any friends at that age. After Mother’s funeral, I became my father’s next target. He used me as his own private whipping boy. For four long years, everyday, my father took out all of his aggressions on me. Bad day at the office? Beat Severus. Lose a poker game? Beat Severus.”

He crawled onto the bed and put his face an inch away from Tonks’. “Good day at the office? Beat Severus. Win a poker game? Beat Severus.” He moved off of her and resumed his pacing. “So how did I cope with it you ask? Well, you see, my mother had been planning to one day escape my father. She devoured one book of the Dark Arts after the other. Only I knew it, of course. And only I knew where they were hidden when she was murdered. So I, like Mother, engulfed myself in the Dark Arts. So much, in fact, that when I arrived at Hogwarts, I already knew more than even the most advanced N.E.W.T. student. I was so glad to be free of my father’s wrath. But who do you think I met when I got here? Why, your close personal friend and his associates. They made my haven a living Hell. So, love, when I was at school, life was miserable. When I was home, it was beyond worse. Now, I know what you’re thinking. What did you do to escape it? On my 18th birthday I was marked by the Dark Lord. And my first assignment was to prove my loyalty. How did I do it you ask?”

He sat down on the bed, a deranged glint in his eyes. “The Dark Lord and I are not that different. We both had miserable childhoods. Neither of our fathers loved us. We were beyond anyone else in the school in the Dark Arts. And, when we were both very young men, we had the pleasure of being the ones to kill our fathers.” He watched Tonks’ eyes widen in shock, though she had long since stopped trying to scream. He stood up again, pacing. “Now, I’m not known for torture. No, on raids I was the only one who did not take part in the raping and torturing of mudbloods. I alone simply used Avada Kedavra and called it a night. But not in this case. I used the Cruciatus Curse on him, yes. But did I want to drive him insane? No, I wanted him fully aware of it when I used every hex I had ever learned on him. By the time I was finished, nothing remained of where I had him tied but his robes and a pile of intestines. These I brought back to my Lord as proof of my good deed. I was rewarded, oh yes. I was welcomed into his Inner Circle. Why, he taught me things even I had never heard of. How to torture and maim, these things I already knew. But how to get inside someone and extract their greatest fear and make it come to life, that I never even dreamed possible. He taught me such dark magic that soon I began to fear my own power. Power, Severus? You’re thinking to yourself. Yes, power, love. Something I have a lot of, more than you or even Dumbledore knows. For you see, I only taught him what I wanted him to know. Our master taught me things only he knew, and I have never shared those with anybody. No, especially not you. Only when I realized the destruction I was capable of did I stop. I ran to Dumbledore, expecting to be sent to Azkaban to be Kissed. But, no, Albus took pity on me. He made me a spy for him and the Order. And he thinks he knows everything! Sitting in his office, his eyes twinkling, offering a lemon drop to anyone who wants one. He knows what I chose to tell him.”

He sat back down on the bed and ran his hand down Tonks’ now shaking and tear streaked cheek. “Any questions?” he asked, giving back her power of speech. She lay there, dumbstruck, for what seemed like days before he released her from the bonds. When he did, she fled out the door without a word.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

*Buffy reference

A/N Oh, God that was fun to write! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. A good way to let me know is in a review. ;)