Trading Places

TITLE: Trading Spaces 11

RATING: R (slash warning m/m)

PAIRING: HG/SS, HP/DM, HP/HG (friendship)

A/N: We will be updating every two weeks, possibly with more than one installment,
depending on fate and life. Any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.

A/N 2: Attention!! There are parsel conversations that we allow you to hear, but keep in
mind that no one else can hear them!

A/N 3: Snarky will be doing the gratuities for this chapter because she had been very
neglectful.

SUMMARY: What do you call a cross between a Gryffindor and a Slytherin? A prefect!
Don't worry, it's not "what would happen in he had been sorted into . . ." Dumbledore
works in mysterious ways as Voldemort grows in power and daring. Other than that?
Shippyness, Snogging, Shagging, Snippy and Snarky! Trust me, it'll all make sense in a
little while.

GRATUITIES:


C Jazz - Sorry for the long 'spell' between updates. Here's a brand spanking new
chapter.

Chaos-Rose- I love the nic! Whoohoo! Author stalked. I'm feelin' the love.

Natsuko-Dai- You'll have to see if HG/SS kiss yet. :) Thanks for staying with us!

CJ354- We updated. Immediately. Well, as close to as immediately as possible.

Lottalitta- We updated. I feel so bad, I've been neglectful.

Randy Candy - Bookman is back and he's bad and still black. . .est magick ever.

Vmorticia- Here's more. I'm glad you liked the fic. It's a blast to write.

Bre- We love you too! We kept giggling over the things we could have the book do.
He's one of my favorite parts of the fic and started off as a one shot character.

Tohru-Chan- Draco in leather. . .hmmm....we might just steal that. Hazelheart and
Sprout. . .lol! And. .. ewww... More book in this one. I'm so glad we're getting the gay
man/straight girl vibe right.

Meibou- Thanks! Troy is somewhat like Jack McFarland on W&G.

Melly S- So good to know that we're staying in character. That's hard to predict.
..where they would end up. And, I'm surprised the original characters took off so well.

Crazykitty-- Snippy and Snarky are back in a big way. And the Muggle studies
professor will start making more sense. He's instrumental to our evil plans.

Mistress Silver- You are too kind. Thank you so much. One word. . .Appreciation. So
nice to be recognized.

Kitori- We'll try to make Snape and Hermione work (my ship by the way). Glad you
like the mascots. Any tips for in character?

Canadian Weirdo- Thanks! Your chapter is served.

Rainwaters- Thanks! Expect more mascotty goodness.

grrrbaby- Hermione and Snape have more interaction. I promise it will all pay off.
And isn't Draco just the cruelest? He's an expert at mind games.

Diosa- We find you charming, not boring. And all will be revealed about Draco and
Harry and there connection. By Snippy that is. She hasn't told me where she's going
with it. Tatterton is going to be the bestest SS/HG shipper there is soon enough. And
he'll get a bit of a clue this time.

MadAboutHarry- Severus has done some chasing!

Lazyaurora- Now!

Willowstar- More is here. We love you.

Bluevanilla- Ron will be coming back but what we promise to make him more likable.
And the snakes may have to take a pot shot at him or too.

The Man Eating Dust Bunny- You're back! Thanks for the explanation. Troy gets a clue
this chapter. Poor guy.

Menecarkawan- Draco's going to bring Harry around.

SparkySparkles- This one is mostly humor. But the next one will be heavy on the
serious. We had to bring the snakes out to play.

Marksy- I love the name Mariel. More funny than serious this time out.

Natzlin- Gum drops? :) thanks!

Katy Kinneas- Yeah! An Interview comparison. It is my favorite book! And we'll be
doing a slow burn on the HG/SS because they have sooooo many obstacles. I hope its
believable.

S.Wing- All Snippy. Not me.

JJ- Snape will be getting to closer to Troy.

amythest- Another update.

Drakon Sword- Isn't Draco a brat? He's going to be leading Harry down a path. And
Hermione and Snape will get even more comfortable. Troy will be dealt with soon.
Evil book is recruiting.

LenaLovely- Troy's a lot like Jack McFarland. He's here, he's queer, Sevvie better get
used to it. Troy's trying his hand at seduction. .. Rune may be lightening up a bit. Not
many people like her. ) That's as it should be. . .she's a bit of prig.

Beautiful Disaster- Thanks! We're aiming for Joss Whedon's dramedy model.

JeminiaAuburn-- *hugs* Can I have a cookie, ma'm? Please? Welcome back.

Glow- And it got thicker.


And without further delay. .

***************************************************************************************************

Dr. Tatterton rapped on the open door of Professor Snape's rooms. "Knock
knock. Are you in there, Sevvie?" There was no answer, but never one to be deterred,
he entered anyway. He was instantly impressed with the other man's surroundings.
They suited him. . .dark, mysterious, and a little cold. He found the good professor
seated in a leather chair in front of the fireplace. Severus was surrounded by a half
dozen books and was deep in thought.

Severus didn't even look up. "Hermione, did you bring your notes on-- "

"No, I'm not your student assistant," Troy rose one wicked eyebrow. "Unless
you like that sort of thing. We could roleplay."

"Don't elaborate." The Potions Master pinched the bridge of his nose. "I beg
you."

"So, what are you doing? All cooped up in here with the doom and gloom?"

"I'm working on potions." Severus said tiredly. "Is there some purpose to your
visit? And for pity's sake, make it quick one."

"I was thinking," Troy moved closer to him, coming to stand behind his chair.
"That we could get to know each other . . ." He bent down and whispered the last part
in the other man's ear. "A little more intimately."

Severus was flummoxed. "Intimately?" He echoed.

Troy came around to the front of his chair, his knee lightly brushing Severus'
own. "I want to be. . .closer."

"Close. .*oh*. . .close." He nodded. Severus was too absorbed in his 'let him
down easy' plan to pay attention to the other man's signals. "Yes, I suppose we have
to. . .manage this situation." He was striving to be tactful, something that was very
difficult for him on the best of days.

Troy chuckled. "So very British. . .all stammery and formal." He grinned.
"Don't worry, I'll take care of everything." He closed in on the other man.

**********


Hermione Granger shifted the books in her arms and gritted her teeth. She must
have checked out half of the restricted section in the library. Plus, she had several
folders filled with her notes stacked on top. As she rounded the corner, she heard two
voices coming from Severus' study. She approached silently, ever mindful of a Death
Eater visit.

Hermione carefully leaned around the corner and what she saw almost caused
her to lose her hold on her books. "Holy Merlin!" She muttered. Severus and Dr.
Tatterton were smooching. Actually, it was one of the clumsiest kisses she'd ever seen.
Severus' eyes were open and he looked a little shocked. "He's gay!!?" She said quietly.
Severus, not Tatterton of course. Well, he'd given a good straight impression. Unless,
he was bisexual. She stealthily made her way back to the foyer and set down the books
and notes for Severus. She didn't want to disturb him when he was otherwise, er,
occupied.

She pulled the door shut quietly behind herself and went down the hall. For
some reason, with every step, she grew more and more angry. How could he do this to
her? Severus was her fake boyfriend! He was faux cheating on her with a male
Muggle. She stopped in the corridor and pushed herself into one of the darkened
corners to wipe away the angry tears that were falling. "Get a hold of yourself,
Hermione. He's just your professor."

"Aww. . .poor little Hermione. Did you have a fight?" He wondered if she and
Harry had talked.

She looked up to see a gloating Draco Malfoy. "Shove off, Malfoy."

"Or what? You'll chastise me? Ooh, I'm scared."

She withdrew her wand. "Flippendo!" Hermione yelled.

Draco was blasted backwards and hit the wall. Then, he slowly slid to its base.
"Owww. Bloody hell! I was only teasing."

"Well, I wasn't amused." She said with a huff. Draco probably knew all along.
Hadn't he insinuated that he was more than friendly with the good professor? " I don't
like to find out my. . .friend's are gay by watching them suck face with some. . .some. . .
guy slut." She stalked off. DracDraco's lower lip puffed out. "I'm not a slut." He told the floor.

To add insult to injury, the snakes slithered by. They were "thee thee thee-ing"
alright, but this time, he thought her heard something else. Like words coming from
their mouths instead of the hissing. Draco frowned, maybe he'd hit his head harder
than he thought.

**********


Harry stood speechless, leaning against the tree for support. Draco had just
kissed him. He repeated the sentence over and over again in his head, trying to make it
sink in. The Slytherin Sex God had just kissed him. And Merlin help him, he had loved
every second of it. The fight, the tension, the fear. Malfoy had been able to see through
every image that Harry projected to the thing that Harry was most afraid of, becoming
the next Voldemort. A great wizard, with too much power and a thirst for death and
revenge.

Everything Draco had said to him felt true. He didn't just want to Voldemort
dead, he wanted to see him die by his own hands. He wanted to strike out at the thing
that had taken so much from him. His parents, the childhood he should have had, the
simple pleasures of Hogwarts, guiltless nights filled with restful sleesteastead of restless
nightmares filled with blame over the death of Cedric.

Since he had seen the green light envelop Cedric and the boy fall at his side, he
had been dreaming about that light. He knew he could make that light happen, could
hold life and death in his hands, could finally be in control. And the thought brought
him peace. And that scared the spit out of him. But how had Malfoy known all of that?
At first he though Draco had just made some lucky guesses, shots in the dark, really.
But now he wasn't so sure. He thought back to the day in the Hospital wing when
Draco had figured out that he had told the Sorting Hat not to put him in Slytherin.
How had he known? He must have intuited it somehow. Did it have to do with being
Symmetrius?

Feeling a little steadier on his feet, Harry slowly began to walk back, clutching
his broom in one hand. If Malfoy could figure out stuff about him, then surely, he
could figure out stuff about Malfoy, right? He concentrated, focusing his thoughts on
the blond, but his mind kept drifting back to that kiss. The feel of Malfoy's hands on his
face, then in his hair, fingernails lightly scratching the skin of his neck. The weight of
his body pushing him against the tree. The hush of his breath on Harry's face, the
heated velvet of his lips stroking his mouth, the forceful invasion of his tongue . . .Harry
shivered again.

In his fifth year, he had kissed a few girls. Well, two. Hermione and Ginny, both
during a game of truth or dare. It had been hesitant and awkward, and pleasant in a
friendly sort of way. A few months later, he had been kissed by a slightly intoxicated
Ravenclaw seventh year, after a late night practice match. The Ravenclaw boy hadn't
been hesitant or awkward, and the kiss had been pleasant in an entirely not friendly
sort of way. Two weeks later, he had told Hermione he might be gay. After that, he'd
dated a feys iys in other years, but nothing had compared with what had happened
tonight. He had felt connected, felt an energy flow that had never been there before.
Harry was sure that Draco had a lot of experience in the kissing department, but there
was more to it than just finesse. Yet, despite the kiss, or maybe fueled even more
because of it, he still hated Malfoy. But now, the anger, and resentment was edged with
something more dangerous.

He sighed. Maybe he should talk to Dumbledore about this. He pondered that
for a moment as he opened the doors and stood in the Great Hall, but decided he would
wait until the school year was well underway. The older wizard had enough on his
plate with getting the school up and running, and protecting it from Death Eaters. He
didn't need Harry's problems, too. Harry started towards the Slytherin Rooms, but on
second thought, turned and headed towards the kitchens. He found the correct picture,
tickled a fruit and stepped inside.

"Harry Potter!"

Hello, Dobby." Harry sighed again and sat down on a stool. "I hate to ask
favors so late at night, but do you think I could get something to eat?"

Of course!! Dobby jumped up and down, motioning for other elves to help him.
Whatever Harry Potter wants?"

"How about some eggs and toast? And a spot of tea, thanks." Harry leaned his
head back against the wall, closing his eyes.

"Eggssss? At this hour?"

"Look how rumpled and confused he is. The Sex God strikessss again! Thee,
thee, thee . . ."

"Oh no. Not you two." Harry shook his head. "What are you talking about?"

"What's a matter, Harry? Didn't you miss ussss?" Snippy chuckled.

"We're talking about your cravings . . ." Snarky smirked.

"What cravings?" Harry asked sharply.

"For late night eggs, of course." His smirk lengthened. "There are only two
reasons people want late night eggs, in our considerable experience."

"Drinking or ssssex." Snippy confirmed, dodging the elf bringing Harry's toast
and tea. "And we know Harry Potter would never drink while on rounds. . ."

"But he does do rounds with the former prince of Slytherin." Snarky slithered
up Harry's arm. "By process of elimination . . ."

"Yeah . . .that must've been what Hermione meant when she told Draco she
didn't want her friends kissing guy sluts!"

"She said what?!" Harry looked confused.

"You heard me. GUY SLUTS! Right before she kicked his ass." The snakes
exchanged a laugh. "Guess she knows about you and Malfoy and she was not happy."

"I did *not* have sex with Malfoy!" Harry shouted as he finally connected the
dots. The house elves stopped to stare at him for a second, before continuing about
their duties. By the looks they gave each other, it was obviously a remark heard often
in the kitchens late at night.

Snarky took a bite of his toast. "Uh-huh."

"And the new muggle studies teacher is looking for a nice girl to settle down
with." Snippy snickered as Harry tried to bat him away from his tea.

"What?" Harry brandished a fork at Snarky to warn him off the plate of eggs
being set before him.

"You know, he's fishing on the other side of the lake." Snippy grinned. "Kinda
like you and Draco."

"How'd you know about that?" Harry's mind stuck on the word 'lake'.

"Know about what?" Snarky asked, ducking Harry's fork to steal some eggs
anyway. "Hmm, needs salt." Then realization dawned. "Is that where you shagged
Malfoy? By the Lake? It's the only decent smooch spot."

"I did not shag Malfoy!" Harry blushed as again the house elves exchanged
another look. Snarky stole a salt shaker from one of them and began sprinkling it on
Harry's eggs, while Harry tried to take it from him.

Snippy have him a suspicious look as he swallowed another bite of toast.
Carefully he crawled up Harry's arm, head darting back and forth as he examined
Harry's neck. "Then who scratched you? The Giant Octupus?"

Harry's eyes remained on Snarky. "Stop putting pepper on those!"

Snarky spat out a bite of egg on Harry's lap, looking nauseated. "It wasn't
Hiney, was it? Tell me you didn't shag Hiney!"

Harry was too busy staring in disgust at the slimy clump of egg on his pants to
reply.

"I'm pretty sure that's not the kind of 'hiney' Harry's interested in. Thee, thee,
thee . . ." Snippy shot back before diving headfirst into Harry's tea cup. He popped
back up. "You need more lemon."

"I don't like lemon." Harry frowned, wiping his leg off with a napkin.

"What's your point?" Snippy asked as he tossed two lemon slices into the cup.

"That's it! If you two don't stop eating my food and accusing me of sleeping
with people, I'm going to feed you to the spiders.

Both snakes paused, mouths open in preparation of finishing off his eggs, and
turned to stare at him. Snippy frowned, "That's not funny, Harry."

"Not very smart, either. We know where you sleep." And with that, they
proceeded to clean his plate.


***********


Rune stalked back and forth in the Ravenclaw Common Room. How could
Severus do this to her? She had been replaced by an overzealous Gryffindor Prefect.
Well, technically a Slytherin Prefect. Hey! That explained it! He was just showing
House favoritism. She hung her head. Mascots could not switch houses. How would
she get his attention?

A loud crash startled her out of her self pity. Turning quickly, she saw the Evil
Book run down the stairs from the prefects rooms, shouting in triumph. "Ha-ha! You'll
never get all your shoe laces untangled! I told you I was evil!"

Shrieks of outrage and frustration came from the transplanted Hufflepuffs.
Inspiration struck. She couldn't get into Slytherin, but she could be more like a
Slytherin! She fluffed her feathers out. If she wanted Snape's attention, she was going
to have to be sneaky, ambitious, maybe even a little . . .evil. And she knew exactly who
could help her with that. "Sheldon?"

"Rune!" The book skipped over to her. "Did you see the evidence of my evil
nature up there? Not only have I tied all their shoelaces together, but I have also
unwound all of their dental floss!"

"Wow. You really are *evil*, aren't you?" She smiled at him.

"Yes, yes I am." The book looked proud that someone had finally realized just
how bad he could be. "Maybe tomorrow, I'll squeeze their toothpaste tubes from the
wrong end and rearrange their knick-knacks."

"That's so . . ." She paused, trying to look impressed. "Evil."

"Isn't it?" He smirked back at her.

"Sheldon, would you help me with something?"

"Is it evil? Oh! Do you want me to mess up Snape's classroom again? Or
unalphabetize his books?" The book rustled its pages together with glee.

"Um, no. Do you think you could teach me to be evil?"

"You want to be evil?" He seemed shocked, but quickly recovered. "Its me, isn't
it? I'm a bad influence on you! I corrupted you! You have been won over to the *dark*
side."

She sighed heavily. The things she did for Severus. Deadpan, she replied, "Yes,
yes. You're evil nature was too tempting to resist. Now, will you help me or not?"

"Certainly. Recruiting is part of the whole evil plan." Sheldon smiled. "What
would you like to do first? I was on my way to release all the bludgers in the Quidditch
equipment closet."

She frowned. The closet was dark and smelled musty, but she supposed some
sacrifices had to be made in the name of evil. "Right then."

"You came to the right book. I'll teach you everything I know." He stopped at
the door to look back at her. "But understand, you will never be as evil as me."

"Understood."

"Ever." The book added for dramatic effect. "Because I'm the - "

"Blackest Magic?"

"Ever."

*********


Malfoy settled into his chair in his room, ice pack clutched to his back, face
deeply creased in thought. His father would be expecting a letter soon, and he had
quite a lot of developments to inform him of. He scowled. He would not be telling him
about getting thrown across the room by Granger. But how much was safe to tell him?
Lucius was proud of his son, and the power that he was coming into. But as
Symmetrius, he could now tap into power his father would never wield. Would that
make him prouder, or label him a threat to his father's considerable ambition? To add
to the complications, his symmetrical partner was Harry Potter. Would that connection
be seen as helpful or as a sign of weakness, that maybe Draco wasn't as connected to the
darkness as they thought?

Draco's mind drifted back. He hadn't taken Harry out to the lake to kiss him.
He just wanted to unsettle the golden boy, make him think a little. So much of Harry's
actions were based on whims or instinct. But his anger was intoxication. He could feel
the power stirring in Harry, and provoking him, shocking him, was addictive. Draco
was well aware of how attractive he was. Voldemort had said himself that it was one of
his most valuable assets, an advantage he could rely on in difficult situations. So, he
had used the advantage against Potter. However he not expected such intensity to
accompany one kiss.


Draco has assumed Harry would taste innocent, like summer sun or vanilla ice
cream. He was wrong. Harry Potter tasted like the adrenaline that raced through him
when he pursued the snitch. He tasted like the Forbidden Forest encompassed in a
black velvet night, before a storm when all was still. His grip on his arms had been
bruising, but the feel of his skin was like the satin lining his Death Eater's cloak. The
kiss had produced a heat that shocked Draco, inflaming his blood as it raced through
his veings. Harry's kiss was spiced with emerald venom.

Malfoy was certain the intensity was a byproduct of being Symmetrius. To
think, had he never cast that spell with Potter, he would never have known his true
potential for greatness. His eyes narrowed. This past year, Draco had done a lot of
thinking, and come to several conclusions. The time for caution was over. It was time
to act. So, while his father plotted with Voldemort, Draco made his own plans, and
being Symmetrius would help those plans along nicely. But only if he could make
Potter cooperate. Pushing Harry towards the darkness Draco saw in those green eyes
was a big risk, but one he was willing to take. Every wizard knew they great Harry
Potter, but if he was pushed, they were all in for a big surprise. If he played his hand
well . . . a smile danced across his slightly bruised lips, his decision made. Now was not
the time to tell his father. He needed to work on his new found power. And he wasn't
about to let one Harry Potter stand in his way.


*********


Snape swished the blue minty potion around his mouth one more time before
spitting it into the sink. He wasn't sure why there was such a large supply of the good
breath potion stocked up in his office and his rooms, but he was willing to take
advantage of it. Striding quickly out of the room, he glanced at the grandfather clock.
The two snakes that served as hands were hissing that it was past eight-thirty,
Hermione was really late. He frowned. That wasn't like her, he hoped that nothing
had happened to her. However, his grim thoughts were interrupted when he saw the
pile of books lying next to the door. She haen hen here! Why would she have left
without . . .oh, no! She couldn't possibly have seen. . .Snape clapped a hand over his
eyes and groaned. He had to find her and somehow figure out how much she had seen.
Damn Tatterton!

He headed down the hall, hoping to find her somewhere close. She had made it
quite clear that she was uncomfortable with him approaching her bed chamber. He
refused to blush. Not that he wanted to approach her in her bed chamber. That was
just where she had happened to be when he needed her. Needed her in a completely
platonic, academic sort of way of course. He frowned again. Hearing voices around the
next corner, he slowed to listen, not wanting to run into the Muggle Professor.

"No! Its not possible." It was Griff-Gruff, and he sounded incredulous and yet,
delighted with whatever he had just been told.

"Dude, I saw it with my own two eyes. I was right there and it was like, woah . .
." The slow paced voice was easy to recognize. Hazelheart.

"Were you in the company of Sprout at the time?" Griff-Gruff asked
suspiciou


"No, man! I was just chillin' by myself, real mellow, y'know. And there they
were . . .talking. But, you know there was a certain vibe to it. And then bam!
Fireworks."

"They were really . . ."

"Yup, really, really, really." He said firmly. "I suspected something about those
two . . .they're giving off a *different* sort of vibe, y'."
."

Snape sagged against the wall. If mascots knew it would be all over the school in
no time. He walked around the corner.

"Gnarly, dude! Where'd you come from? That's really spooky, man, all
appearing from nowhere, like whoosh . . .here I am." Haze nearly fell over in surprise.
"How'd you do that?"

"I'm evil." Snape flashed them a smirk.

"Dude, you're scarier than the book, man . . ."

Severus started out slowly. "Hazelheart, Griff-Gruff . . .I heard what you were
saying,"

"Eaves-dropping were we, Severus? How Slytherin of you, I must say, I'm
*shocked* . . .oh, wait. No, I'm not." Griff-Gruff sighed.

"Listen, it would be in the best interest of everyone involved if no one else knew
what happened." Snape tried to sound polite.

"Would it?" Griff-Gruff sounded unconcerned.

Severus gritted his teeth. "My point is I would rather you didn't say anything
about this to anyone else."

"So, let me get this straight. You're asking us to keep this a 'dirty little secret'?"
Snape nodded. "In other words, you want a *favor*."

Haze's head whipped back and forth between the two. "Sure man -"

"Shut up, Haze." Griff-gruff grinned. "Severus hasn't said the magic word yet."

Snape crossed his arms over his chest, a muscle working in his jaw. "Or else?"

"No, that's two words." He pondered this a moment. "You know who should
hear about this?" Griff-Gruff turned to Haze who shook his head. "The book. And
Snippy and Snarky."

Snape gasped. "You wouldn't!"

Griff-Gruff raised a fuzzy brow and smirked. "What was that . . . Sevvie?"

Snape groaned. "Please. Please keep this to yourselves."

"Certainly." Griff-Gruff smiled. "C'mon, Haze. I feel kind of peckish, and I
know you want a snack."

The two headed off to the dungeons, leaving Snape to continue his search for
Hermione. When they were out of earshot, Hazel turned to Griff-Gruff. "Why do you
think he cares so much about Harry and Draco kissing?"

"Who knows with Slytherins?" Griff-Gruff shrugged.

********


Hermione paced back and forth in front of the Slytherin fireplace, in an attempt
to expend enough energy to calm down. Had she really just seen what she had really
just seen? And, more importantly, why was it bothering her so much? She felt like
screaming or crying or giving Tatterton a black eye.

"Hermione, there you are." Severus actually looked relieved to see her. "And. .
.how are you this evening?" Translation. . .did you see me kiss another male earlier?

"Fine, just fine." Hermione folded her arms over her chest. "Oh, um, are you
wondering why. . . sorry I'm late for our meeting."

"It's alright. I was, er, tied up for a while."

"Ewww." She said automatically and the professor gave her startled look. Her
eyes widened. "Ewww. . .there's bug parts on the floor." She pointed vaguely to the
left.

"Oh, yes, quite a few of those." He spread his arms, indicating the snakes
enthusiastically squishing an arachnid in the corner. "Snippy and Snarky's latest spider
slaughter soiree."

"Yep. Insects." The snakes, having finished with their massacre, slithered over to
listen in.

"I see that you left your materials in my rooms. Did you stop by earlier and. .
.see me?"

The gig was up. "Yes, I was there but you were, well, busy."

"I see. There's something you should know about Dr. Tatteron, and me. Not
that we're-"

"I think I figured it out on my own." Hermione said, really not wanting to have
this discussion.

Severus relaxed. She was a very bright girl, she'd no doubt deduced what had
happened. "Oh, then you know that I'm not-"

"Not what?" Snippy hissed. "Hygiene savvy?"

"Polite?" Snarky guessed.

"Pretty?" Snippy offered.

"A people person?" Snarky wondered.

Straight? "Yes, got that message loud and clear. Although, I must say you were
pretty convincing." She was talking about their little display for the Death Eaters.

"Well, erm, thank you. I suppose." He frowned. "I want you to understand that
I don't usually do that sort of thing - "

"What sort of thing? This is like word Charades or something. Can I buy a
friggin' vowel?" Snippy was growing impatient.

"Harry! We need a transla" Sn" Snarky sighed. "He's never around when you
need him to snoop!"

"Yeah, hero showing up at just the right time, my shiny white fang!" Snippy
griped.

"In school? Well, yeah, I sort of gathered that." She said slowly.

"Ever. As a matter of fact, I've never -"

"So! How abohosehose Death Eaters, huh? Scary, scary." She did not want to
know the extent of his expertise.

"Hermione, I think I know why you're so uncomfortable with what happened."
He motioned for her to sit down across from him.

She took a seat, folding her hands."You mean because you're supposed to be my
boyfriend?" And you're gay! She added in her head.

"Supposed to be her what?!" Snippy was shocked. "When did that happen?"

"What is this? Dating rituals for the smart and painfully shy?"

"Yes, but I assure you, there will never be anything between that Muggle and I."
He said with utmost sincerity.

"He's dating a Muggle too?" They both asked.

"Oh, you don't have to not - I mean, we're not actually 'together'." She didn't
want him to repress this sif hif himself. Her forehead creased. Maybe he wasn't ready
to come out yet. It had taken Harry awhile to tell everyone.

"So, what? They're just sleeping together?" They both shuddered at that
knowledge.

"I tell you what, morals in this school are going down hill! She hasn't even been
a Slytherin for a full term yet." Snarky added.

"No, I don't want to do anything with Tatterton." He said firmly. "Ever."

The snakes turned to look at each other with wide-eyeoks.oks. "Oooh,
Tatterton!"

"Hello! I'm interd agd again." Snippy said.

"Is it because he's a Muggle?" How did he feel about non-purebloods?

"No, it's because I'm -"

"Rude?"

"Mean?"

"Old? I mean, really, old!"

"Stinky?" The broke into a chorus of laughter.

Severus turned and glared at them. He wasn't sure what they were saying, but
he now recognized their snickering.

"Woah, Stinky. Don't glare at me now." Snarky snickered.

"Okay, Used to Be Stinky. Feel better?"

Snape scowled malevolently.

The snakes took a slither back. "It's like that movie we saw."

"What movie?" Snarky asked.

"You know, the one with that guy. The guy who killed and ate people."

"With fava beans?"

"What the hell is a fava bean?" They shook their heads. "But yeah, that's the
one. Any moment he's going to turn around and say" He used his deep, dark, scary
voice. 'Hello, Clarice. . ."

The both shuddered.

Hermione waved her hand to get his attention. "If you want to tell your Death
Eater friends that we broke up because you don't want to be associated with impure
blood -"

"They're breaking up already?" Snippy looked disappointed. "That should have
been at least a month or two of jokes!"

"No, I don't want to break up with you, I mean pretend to break up with you."
He sighed. Why wasn't she getting this? Maybe . . .oh no. An awful thought occurreo hio him. "You want to break up with me, don't you?"

"No!" She denied.

"There's someone else, right? It's Potter, isn't it?"

Snarky touched his tail to his forehead. "Oh, no. Harry . . ."

"He didn't! He wouldn't!" Snippy denied. "He's shagging Malfoy."

"When is everyone going to give up on that? I am NOT sleeping with Harry!"
She could feel her cheeks heating up. "In case you haven't noticed, Captain Oblivious,
Harry is GAY!!! I'd think you'd recognize the signs!"

Snape stood slowly, frowning at her. "What did you call me?"

"Captain Oblivious, you twit." Snippy sighed.

"No wonder she wants to break up with you for a gay guy."

"You heard me." Hermione stood up and held her ground. "And, if we're going
to continue being 'involved', I won't be cheated on!"

Severus blinked, startled at her display of temper. She sounded almost. .
.possessive. "Alright. However, I expect the same consideration. They're will be no
more lounging around on Potter's bed."

"Oh, man! We'll have to hang out in her room now? Its is all lacy and stuff."
Snippy whined.

"And all those damn flowers." Snarky complained.

"Okay." Hermione agreed. She walked around the table."I think we should,
um, seal the deal."

"With a handshake?"

Snippy rolled his eyes. "No, Captain Oblivious."

"Oh, right then, for the sake of our agreement." He too made his away around
the table.

The snakes slipped up onto the table and punctuated their chants with tail
swipes. "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!"

They both closed the distance between then, feeling somewhat awkward.
Severus lowered his head and she stretched up on her tiptoes. Her arms slid around his
shoulders and his hands settled on her waist Their lips almost met when the professor
shot a glare at the snakes. "They're watching us." He whispered to her.

"Yeah, and listening too, moron." Snippy snapped.

"Kiss her, you fool!"

Severus broke the embrace and stepped towards them.

"Not me! Her!" Snippy cried.

He plucked the snakes from their table. "I can't. . .not while they're here."

"I know. Me either." She watched him reluctantly move to the exit.

"Well, I guess this is goodnight, Hermione. I have some notes to go over.
Classes start tomorrow."

"Goodnight, Severus."

Snarky turned to Snippy, they were still held in the grasp of the Head of
Slytherin. " He doesn't have any fava beans, does he?"

"How would we know if he did?"

They shrugged.