Totem

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters used here just the devious little mind making them dance.

//blah, blah, blah// - denotes thoughts
// ‘blah blah’ // Snape’s thought in Harry’s mind

Pairing: Snape X Harry, Harry X Snape

Summary: Harry retreats to Hogwarts after his latest battle seeking safety, comfort and something else…

WARNING – some difficult things towards the end of this chapter. Not sure I can say it’s more violent that some of the previous chapters but I felt the need to put in some kind of warming for you.

***

Totem: Chapter 11

Draco was barely breathing. Neither man questioned what they should do. Snape snatched up the body and the three apparated as close to Hogwarts as they could.

“I’ll alert Poppy.” Harry yelled as he ran full throttle ahead. His mind was furious with thoughts. Scenes of the masked Death Eaters attempting to beat Malfoy to death mixed with his hazy memories of their last encounter. He hadn’t seen him since. Harry believed he had made his own peace with the memory by just shoving it aside a not thinking about it, but now it all threatened to surface. He pushed it down inside himself as he had done for the last six years. “Poppy!” Harry yelled as he burst though the infirmary doors. He was already gathering the blood restoratives and the wound mending potions. It was a matter of moments before Snape rushed in with the unconscious boy.

Snape was laying a motionless body in the nearest bed. “Oh my word!” Poppy exclaimed as she appeared in the room. She muttered disrobing spells and cleaning spells over Draco as Harry began handing her potions. The blood cleared away from the alabaster skin but more threatened to spill from his wounds. Poppy worked quickly to make sure it wouldn’t return. The life of a school nurse was supposed to be simple and boring. Why was her life was one major medical emergency after another?

Snape tried to catch his breath after running with Draco in his arms. He stepped back and watched as Harry and Poppy worked feverishly to keep Draco alive. The absurd cruelty of Harry’s life confronted Snape. Draco had been Harry’s rival; some would even say an enemy. Then under the guise of making amends, Draco took Harry’s virginity in a rude and painful manor. Now here was Harry, cast healing spells and administered potions to save the life of someone who had caused him unmitigated paiHow How ridiculous. It was almost as ridiculous as falling love with the greasy git of a potion’s master.

With all the major wounds closed and the blood restoratives administered Harry and Poppy slowed. Poppy conjured a large pitcher of water next to the bed. “Harry, will you watch him, I need to check on some potions he may need?” Harry nodded. “If he wakes up he’ll probably be thirsty,” she instructed him as she scurried away.

“I know,” said Harry having taken these potions too many times to count. He looked down at the unconscious body. He should feel something, shouldn’t he? Anger? Hatred? All he could muster was a vague sense of uneasiness. He looked hard at Draco. Something was amiss and Harry couldn’t place it. There was the same short, slick, blond hair. The same pale, luminous skin. Sill, Draco looked odd. Harry felt movement beside him. “Something’s wrong,” he whispered to Snape.

“What do you mean?” Snape asked.

“I don’t know. It’s just…. look at him. Something doesn’t seam right.” Harry searched and searched the small lithe body.

“Well, except for the blood, the bruising and the swelling, he looks the same as ever.” Snape answered trying to see what Harry was seeing.

“He’s not aged.” Harry murmured, “It’s been six years and he looks no older, no different than the last time I saw him.”

“Many wizards age slowly Harry….”

Harry knew he was right and looked for proof. On a whim, he reached for Draco’s right arm. Just on the inside of the bicep was the remnants of a bite mark. “The death eaters wore masks… it’s not fresh but it’s not old either… I bit him right here the night we….it’s got to be the same mark.” He turned to look at Snape.

Snape placed his hand at the small of the man’s back. He felt Harry unconsciously lean into the touch. Draco did look unnaturally young but he always had. “Any number of spells and hexes can arrest time but we’ll have to wait until he wakes up to find out what really happened to him.”

Both men started when Draco shifted and moaned. He mumbled softly words neither of them could grasp. Harry held a glass of water to Draco’s mouth. The pale slim lips opened slightly as Harry helped him drink. Then the beaten boy fell back into unconscious silence.

“Severus…” Poppy had returned. “I need you to brew these two potions for me.” She looked at her new patient with concern.

Snape took the parchment and touched Harry’s shoulder, “Harry…”

“I’ll help Poppy finish up and join you in the dungeon later,” Harry said still staring at the young looking Draco.

“Very well,” Snape squeezed Harry’s shoulder before sprinting to his lab.

***

It was several hours later and Harry was slowly walking to the dungeon. He ran his hand through his hair contemplating their recent arrival. The Death Eaters would have killed Malfoy if they hadn’t interfered. Maybe they shouldn’t have stopped them. Then he wouldn’t have to think about it. He kept pushing his memories and feelings away but they only rebounded ande ate at him again. //Where had he been all this time?// Harry couldn’t remember anyone ever mentioning Draco or speaking of him since graduation and that had never struck him as odd until just this moment. It was like the whole world just forgot about him.

Harry had stayed to help Poppy check the boy for internal wounds again and make sure the draughts were doing their job. Then gave Poppy’s cryptic message to Albus warning him that there were more dinner guests than she had thought and that the vanilla ice cream had melted. He pondered the meaning of the message as he easily walked through Snape’s wards. He sank into the leather couch and sighed rubbing his face hard. Snape would be busy for a while longer. He could go to the lab and see if he needed help. Instead he decided to get some food and floo the Auror headquarters to let Abigail know what was going on.

//’Harry?’//

“Yes Sev…” Harry spoke out loud to the voice inside him

//’How are you?’//

“Hungry. I’m going to floo the Aurors though before I get some food for us. they’ll want to know about Draco.”

//’I shouldn’t be more than another hour or so.’//

“Fine,” Harry said to the empty room. The stress and strain of the day was starting to take over. He hated feeling vulnerable and alone. He wanted to forget it all and go back to this morning when he woke up next to Snape. Why did it hurt so much? His lover’s thoughts came back slowly.

//’Are you sure you’re alright?’//

Harry felt his tired heart sink. “It’s fine. This just isn’t how I wanted to end our day; you mixing potions for a nearly dead Draco and me pouring over the most confusing night of my life….” Harry’s voice trailed. He wished he could fade into Snape’s embrace right now. He quietly spoke. “I miss you….and you are only 834.78 feet away.”

Harry’s sad voice permeated Snape’s mind.

//’I am not 834.78 feet away, I am right there with you.’//

Harry wrapped his arms around himself and squeezed. Snape was there with him; in his mind, his heart, although out the room, “Yes, you are….”

//’I need to tend to the potions.’//

“Alright.” Harry let Snape go. He hated when his feelings took over like this. He felt silly to be tearing himself up over something that had happened so long ago. He called a house elf then went about contacting Abigail.

***

Snaposedosed his link to Harry giving his lover privacy to talk with his supervisor. Though he had acted, as any Gryffindor would have, Harry was obviously taken aback by Draco’s sudden reappearance. How difficult had it been for Harry to suddenly see Draco? Snape really didn’t know what had happened. Harry had said he was drunk but never indicated he had been unwilling. All the same it had been a painful first experience. Snape shook himself from his thoughts and returned to his potions. It would do him no good supposing Harry’s feelings. He would care for both of his former students. Snape would be there for Harry if and when he wanted to talk about it and he would help heal Draco. As he stirred one of the black bubbling caldrons, he tried to recall the last time he had seen Draco. There was nothing past the boy’s graduation. Some of the Slytherins went straight from that last ceremony at Hogwarts to the marking ceremony. Had he seen Draco there? Not that he could remember. Was Harry right? Had Draco been ‘suspended’ somewhere for six years? The Death Eater’s had called him a traitor, something they didn’t say lightly and not without proof. The Dark Lord had apparently ordered him to be executed, so... //Lucius...// Did he know? Did he care that his ‘beloved’ master had ordered his only son to be murdered? Could the be be that far gone?

The potions were finished and cooling. Snape hefted off his apron but still felt the grime of the brewing all over him. He went to the small shower room off the far corner of the lab and began to disrobe. A small velvet box fell out of his pocket into his hand. The rings. He’d forgotten all about them. He opened the box and ran his fingers over them longingly. He felt his love for Harry well up inside. //I never thought… never…// He closed the box and set it up high on the shelf out of sight. They wouldn’t be able to wear them right now anyway and using magic to conceal them would negate the whole point of wearing them. He didn’t want Harry to associate the night they put on those rings with all this uncertainly and regret so he would wait until things were better, until they could wear them proudly in public without magic concealments.


***

Food laid out on top of Snape’s desk untouched and Harry sat on the couch with Snape’s pensive in his lap. He was finally going to sort though everything from that night. He could only remember bits and pieces. He had done a very good job of forgetting but now he needed to remember. He didn’t want to do this but there was no other way to see what had happened. Why was he afraid? Harry took a deep breath. He touched his temple and pulled the fine silvery thoughts into the bowl. The pensive swirled and began to revel his memory. Harry sat and watchhe the two young men dinking and laughing, acting as if they had been friends their whole lives. He caught the first time their hands casually touched as they both reached to fill their glasses, saw himself leaning closer to the blond boy with coy like smile on his own face. He felt the thrill in his stomach as he saw Draco’s leg graze against his in the pensive. Harry closed his eyes and set the bowl on the floor. He was shaking. What would this do to Snape, to know that Harry had been in love with Draco, had wanted to be with him, and had foolishly given his body over to be abuse? Was this why he was so afraid?

***

Snape hurried along to his personal chambers. He found Harry inside staring hard into the fire. He saw the pensive at Harry’s feet. //I can’t rescue him this time. He has to face it on his own.// He would ignore the pensivr nor now and let Harry come to him if he needed to. “Waiting for me?” Snape tried to speak softly.

Harry jumped as Snape entered the room. “What?” Harry looked at his lover and then at the untouched food on the desk. “Oh, yes err…. no, well, I uh…” He shook his head and stood up. “I just hadn’t….” Harry felt Snape’s hand on his arm. He looked into his lover’s caring eyes. Safety and warmth threatened his bastion of self-loathing and pity.

Snape saw Harry’s defeated red eyes. “You’re tired and you haven’t eaten all day. Come.” He transfigured his desk into a small table and guided the younger man to sit.

Harry picked slowly dipping a piece of bread into a bowl of soup. He found that the food did help still his mind and ease his mood as his appetite kicked back in. He actually finished his soup and bread then reached for a large brownie. He heard Snape snort and he looked over to him.

“I blame Lupin for your fascination with chocolate. Healing powers my ass….”

Harry smiled thankful for a little levity. “All Lupin did was stoke a fire that already existed,” said Harry as he took a large mouthful of the brownie and ‘mmmmm’-ed the whole time he ate it.

“You act like a five year old.” Snape said disdainfully as he took a petit spoonful of custard. His eyes stayed hard and cold but he could not prevent the corners of his mouth from turning up slightly. Harry needed a lighter moment.

In support of that theory, Harry opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue to show Snape the ground up food and he nearly choked when Snape did the same. Harry reached over and pulled Snape into a kiss across the table. He loved this man. Perhaps the past was the past and he would be able to face it as long as Snape was there with him. They settled back down to their deserts.

“Did you contact your office?” Snape asked. He hoped they wouldn’t take Harry away just yet but he desired to know how long they would have together.

“Well that is the one small light in al this. They want me to stay and observe Draco; see if he can provide any information.”

The heaviness was returning to the air. “Is that acceptable for you?” asked Snape.

Harry sighed. “It’s my job. It has to be acceptable.” He thought again about the memory in the pensive. “I can do it but …I need to work though some things.” He fidgeted in his chair.

Snape nodded. He looked down at his plate trying to find something else to eat so he wouldn’t have to see the pain returning to Harry’s eyes. A strong voice full of resolve and confidence spoke from across the table.

“Will you help me?”

Snape raised his eyes to Harry’s as he nodded affirmatively. Harry pulled them back to the couch. Snape sat and Harry picked up the pensive. He settled sideways so he could rest against Snape’s chest and feel his strong presence all around him. “I don’t know what we are going to see,” Harry said. “I’ve tried to forget it. That’s why I need the pensive.” He felt Snape’s breath on his neck as the man pulled closer and wrapped around him comfortingly.

“No matter what is in there,” Snape whispered and kissed Harry’s cheek. “I love you.”

Harry cradled the pensive in his lap and held it so they could both see. The images flowed again of the two men meeting, drinking, laughing. Harry wondered if Snape caught the not so innocent touches stray that were beginning to happen. It was one thing to tell you lover about your past and another thing to let them see it.

Snape felt Harry’s back straightened as they watched Draco slide his arm around Harry and bring them together for a kiss. In the pensive, Harry’s eyes were closed tight and he moaned ‘want you…’ into the kiss. The two bodies pressed together and hypnotically stoked against one another. Draco’s head lolled backwards and groaned Harry’s name into the air as he arched forward. Snape could not see clearly but he surmised Harry must have begun stroking the boy’s cock. It was an extremely intimate memory. He wondered if Harry would regret letting him see.

Harry had forgotten all of this, the gentle touching he and Draco had exchanged, the heat and the want they both expressed. However, he knew how this memory ended. He needed to see it all to finally understand. He twined his fingers with Snape’s and wrapped their hands around the bowl. He wanted Snape there. Not to see what had happened but to help him stay grounded in the present. Snape squeezed his fingers tightly.

In the pensive a strange voice yelled out, “Hey, homos! Get a room!” They watched as the two boys laughed and stumbled drunkenly from the bar. Outside Draco pressed Harry up against the alley wall and began to aggressively rub his body against him. He quickly dropped to his knees and took Harry into his mouth. The Harry in the pensive growled. Fisting the blond hair he thrust himself into Draco’s mouth. They could hear Draco sucking and grunting as Harry’s cock hit the back of his throat. Harry’s moans were getting louder and higher as Draco moved faster and faster. It was unmistakable when Harry came in Draco’s mouth. Draco surged up Harry’s body and took his mouth. “I want to fuck you, Harry.” “Yes,” Harry moaned back. There was a hard writhing kiss that seamed to go on forever.

Harry had about forgotten where he was when he felt a hand grip his arm. The calm steady voice of his lover drifted to him.

“Do you want to stop?”

Harry shook his head no. He wanted to finish it no matter what they both saw.

Back in the pensive, Draco and Harry had found a dank room and were ripping each other’s clothes off. Snape saw the moment where Harry bit Draco. It appeared to be the same place Harry had showed him in the infirmary. Snape felt unseemly as htchetched. These things should have been fond memories for Harry and yet his love had shuttered them away. So far it was a normal night of unrestrained teenaged passion not a brutal memory. Something was about to change though. He could feel Harry prepg fog for it. He watched the younger version of his lover lying on the dingy bed, eager to receive Draco’s lithe body. Then he was drawn back to Draco.

Harry watched Draco lean over his open, naked body. A gentle hand trailed down the young Harry, meaning to begin its sweet preparation. The image became garbled as Harry moved the view to see into Draco’s face. Draco had a beautiful, loving countenance as he looked down at Harry. Abruptly, fear and terror shot across the angelic face. “No!” he screamed as he lurched forward into the unprepared, dry chamber. Harry closed his eyes and buried himself in Snape’s chest. This was the part he could remember and didn’t want to. This is what made the rest of the memory so terrible to have. He tried to hide in Snape but he still heard his own screams of pain emanating from the bowl mixing with Draco’s desperate cries. “Stop it! No! I don’t want this. Stop hurting him, please!” the blond boy shrieked.

Snape watched what Harry could not, Draco’s body pounding relentlessly into Harry. Draco cried and begged for it to stop as Harry struggled beneath him screaming and bleeding. “no.. no “ he begged, “Someone help …make it stop, make it stop!” Draco screamed as his body lifted up and tore painfully into Harry with renewed vigor. Snape felt his stomach lurch as he recognized the way Draco moved. He knew each of those painful thrusts and desperate undulations. He had been the recipient of them many times. The Dark Lord had a certain way in which he liked to be pleased. The Imperious curse controlling Draco must have been either imperfect or manipulated so that the boy’s body would respond as commanded while his mind stayed alert and his own. It was a cruelty typical of the Dark Lord. Snape was not sure how the bastard had been able to cast the spell at the appropriate time without being there. The assault might have been far from over but the image turned black as the Harry in the pensive lost consciousness. Snape levitated the pensive safely to the table.

Harry lay still in Snape’s arms breathing slowly and steadily in the quiet. What he hadn’t faced in years was now open not only to him but to Snape. Voldemort had once more stolen Harry’s innocence in blood and violence. Did he think this would destroy Harry or was this just part of the ‘fun’? Was Draco a participant or another victim? Did the dark Lord know Harry was in love with Draco and used him twist the knife further; hoping Harry would believe Draco betrayed him? He couldn’t answer these questions his own. “Draco…. didn’t want to hurt me,” Harry muttered into Snape’s chest asking as much as stating it.

From what Snape had seen the other boy had been as shocked and terrified as Harry. Sex without any preparation or lubrication would not be pleasant for either participant. “No, he didn’t want to hurt you, Harry.”

“Voldemort…” Harry couldn’t finish. His skin crawled and he felt ill at the thought of the Dark Lord touching him like that, even if it was through another.

“Yes,” Snanswenswered as he tightened his hold on Harry.

“I… I need to get up…” Harry pushed away from Snape and stumbled into the washroom. His stomach heaved as he fell to the floor. The world fell to shadow and darkness. He felt Snape behind him lifting him, murmuring a cleansing spell. He sounded so far away as he called Harry’s name. “Sev…” Harry answered, his own voice echoing distantly inside him before everything became silent and black.

~TBC~