Snape's Obsession

.



Snape’s Obsession 10


Y’all have been so supportive that I worked on this chapter instead of ‘Slytherin and Gold’(ssshh, don’t tell on me). Severus was most insistent that I get to this scene, hope you enjoy.

Glinda


********************************************************************


After lunch on Sunday, Severus returned to his chambers, pacing restlessly. By one o’clock he was nervous, by two o’clock he was anxious, by three o’clock he was perturbed, by four o’clock he was angry and by five o’clock he was concerned. Where was Valora ? Had something happened to her ? He was just about to go see the Headmaster, when he heard a knock at his door. Gathering his wits, he went to answer the door.

“Hello, Professor.” Valora said grinning at him.

“Miss Whinn. Come in.” Severus said, stepping aside and allowing her to enter. He looher her over as she walked in. The Muggle jeans and tee shirt she was wearing made her look so different, more mature. In a way, he was glad she was not wearing her school robes. He needed to talk to her as a woman, not his student.

Now that she was finally here, Severus found he didn’t know what to say. His stomach was tied up in tight knots and his pulse was pounding loudly in his ears. Not wanting to let her see how he was falling apart, he went over and sat in one of the chairs by the fire. When he sat down and looked up, he saw Valora eyeing him curiously from where she stood just inside the door.

“Severus, are you alright ?” Valora asked, walking to and sitting on the couch. Severus fidgeted and looked away from her into the fire.

“I’m fine. How was your visit ?” He said, his gaze never leaving the roaring flames. It was only polite to ask about her trip, he told himself, it wasn’t really a stalling tactic. He continued staring into the fire, until he realized his question had not been answered. Looking back at Valora, he noticed a hurt expression in her eyes.

“I’m sorry I’m late. I was visiting with mum this afternoon and lost track of the time.” She said looking down at her hands clasped on her lap.

“There is no need to apologize. You should visit with Veronique.”

“You seem upset. I thought you might have been waiting for me.” Valora said.

“I am not upset with you.” It was then he remembered he had not hugged her or given her a welcoming kiss. Standing, he went to sit on the couch next to her. Cupping her cheek, he kissed her briefly, then sat back still feeling very nervous. Her eyes danced over his face, as if she were trying to find a hint as to why he was acting so strangely.

“Something is wrong, Severus. I can tell. What is it ?” He closed his eyes for a moment and let out long breath. Opening his eye again, he resolved to forge ahead.

“I have decided to tell you ……. about myself.” Looking into her eyes he saw only concern. “I only ask that you hear me out.”

“If it upsets you this much you don’t have to tell me anything.” She said clasping one of his uncharacteristically cold hands. His hand squeezed her back.

“Yes I do. If we are to have a relationship, you need to know who I was.”

“I love you, you can tell me anything.” Feeling momentarily buoyed by her words, Severus hugged her to him. Savoring possibly the last few moments he would have with her. Eventually, he released her and sat back, distancing himself from her.

“Do you remember I told you I had lived a very different life before I came here to teach ?” He started. Valora nodded. “I am not the man I was. I make no excuses for the choices I have made, I can only live with the results.”

“My school days here were difficult, at best. There were those who taunted me repeatedly and I felt powerless to stop them.” Severus said standing. His mind was in too much turmoil to sit still. He began to pace slowly as he talked. “After a particularly cruel prank nearly killed me, I swore to myself that I would find a way to never feel powerless again. I sought out power and, Merlin help me, a way of revenge. I heard other boys of my house talking about the benefits of joining the Dark Lord.” He unbuttoned the cuff of his left sleeve and began rolling it up his arm. “The idea intoxicated me. I craved the power they spoke of. I wanted to have people fear me. So with the innocence and thoughtlessness of youth, I offered myself to the Dark Lord.” He stuck his bare forearm out for Valora to see. He brought her fingers up to the place where the dark mark lay hidden, but could be felt. Looking into her eyes, he could see she had some understanding of what this meant. “The Dark Lord accepted and marked me as his own.” Looking away, he went back to pacing with his arms now crossed tightly across his chest.

“I was quite the faithful Death Eater for a time, murdering and raping along with the rest. My blood lust as great ny ony other and my knowledge of potions useful. The Dark Lord was very pleased with me and I quickly gained a reputation amongst the other followers.”

“It wasn’t until news of an upcoming raid mentioned a name I knew well, that I questioned myself and my actions. Within the circle of those who taunted me in my school days, there was one who always spoke out against the violence done to me. Prat that I was, I never thanked her, but struck out at her too. But I never thought ill of her and I didn’t want her to die, or her son. I searched what tiny part of my soul I had left and had to admit my mistakes. Knowing I had to do something, I went to the only person who could help or would help, after what I had become, Albus Dumbledore. I told him what I had become, though he already seemed to know. I warned him of the planned raid and he saw to it she and her family went into hiding. The Headmaster offered me a position here with the understanding that I would spy for him and for the order who fought against the Death Eaters. I convinced the Dark Lord I was insinuating myself into the school to spy on Dumbledore for him. He was pleased with my initiative.” Severus chuckled darkly, then shook his head.

“But it was all too little, tote. te. The Lord himself found and killed the woman anyway and her child destroyed him. Nothing I had done to set things right mattered.”

“Your friend …...……. was Lily Potter ?” Valora said astonished, speaking for the fist time. Severus nodded.

“And James Potter, one of my tormenters.” He looked away again and continued pacing. “After the Dark Lord was destroyed, I helped keep tabs on the Death Eaters I knew. Some went to Azkaban, some remained free claiming they were under the Imperius curse. I was held in contempt by both sides, as neither trusted me. Dumbledore has been my only true friend and supporter. He gave me a chance, when others would not have.” He looked into her eyes. “I am not a good man, Valora or a wise man, but I am a penitent one.”

Severus finally sat down on the couch waiting for Valora’s reaction to his confessions. He could see the tears threatening to spill out of her eyes and wondered if that were a good thing or not.

“I …… I don’t quite know what to say.” She said helplessly. He nodded and crossed his arms over his chest again trying not to hold out too much hope. “Why …. now ? Why tell me these things now ?”

“I wanted to give you the chance to walk away, if you chose.” Severus said. “Before you gave something to me as precious as your chastity, I felt you should know to whom you would be giving it. I do love you, Valora, but as much as I want you, I could not deceive you. You are young and haven’t made the kinds of mistakes I have. You have every right to walk away now and find someone your own age, who does not have the kind of history I do.” As he spoke he watched the tears spill over and stream down her face. Her lips quivered slightly as she listened to him.

“But …… I love you.” She said looking up into his eyes.

“But knowing it all, can you accept me ?” He asked. Valora looked down at the hands in her lap. He could see a few tears fall onto her jeans.

“I don’t know.” She said quietly, without looking up. Severus let out the breath he had been holding and moved closer to her. He clasped her hands in his own.

“At least that is honest. I do not think I would have believed you, if you had said my past did not matter to you.”

“I think…… maybe I need some time to think about all this.” Valora said looking up into his eyes. Severus nodded and started to move back, but she scooted closer and wrapped her arms around him, placing her head on his chest. Severus was overjoyed that she at least did not recoil from his touch. He kissed the top of her head, then laid his cheek upon it, breathing in her warm familiar scent. After a few moments, Valora pulled out of his arms.

“I should go.” She said standing. Severus stood to see her out. She looked so sad, yet not despairing, he thought.

“You do not have to come by the office at night.” He offered, knowing she may not want to see him for a time.

“And if I want to ?” Valora asked turning to look at him with her hand on the door.

“As you wish.” He said nodding to her. He watched Valora leave, closing the door behind her with a quiet click. Running his hand over his face, he made is way to the whiskey and poured himself a generous amount, then sat in the arm chair staring into the now empty room.

The talk had not gone as bad as he had feared it would. Valora had listened to all he had to say, though he wondered how much she truly understood, or how much she could forgive. Severus sighed deeply, replaying Dumbledore’s words in his head, ‘you have to first forgive yourself’. Had he forgiven himself ? Surely not. He had tried to make amends, but too late. Taking a long slow sip of the burning liquid, he tried to come to terms with his past. What a fool he had been ! Now he was branded for life. Would the Dark Lord come back ? Many on both sides seemed to think so, Dumbledore and Lucius Malfoy being the two most prominent to come to mind, each for very different reasons.

‘What would I do.’ he asked himself, ‘if Valora can not find a way to accept me?’. Never having been in love before, he didn’t know how one went about healing a broken heart, for surely if she turned from him, his heart would be broken. Severus closed his eyes and tried to hold out hope. It was not even their physical relationship he would miss, it was everything about her. Her smell, her smile, the tilt of her head when amused, the light in her eyes when angry, the clasp of handhand and the sound of her voice, and always those violet eyes that spoke volumes to him when she said nothing.

He could only wait and see now. He had done the right thing, and if she left him, so be it. He had no right to taint her. Since he loved her, he would let her go.


***********************************************************************************

Valora stood in the hall outside Severus’ rooms for several minutes, not really knowing what to do. Finally shean wan walking, not heading anywhere in particular, just needing the movement to help her mind work. All the time a voice in the back of her mind repeating ‘oh my God, oh my God, oh my God’.

Severus most likely didn’t realize it, but Valora had a very good idea of who the Dark Lord was and what it meant to be a Death Eater. Her mum had told her stories of those times. It was not a time a pure blood should have married a muggle. Mum’s family had objected vehemently to the marriage and had finally disowned her when she would not give up Aimory Whinn. Fear of the repercussions of her actions had lead to aliealienation from family, repercussions from the Death Eaters. Mum had always found it a bit humorous the family never objected to her fiancé being d jus just that he was a muggle. That was one of the reasons why they lived in the muggle world. The problems with prejudice were less, though dad lived with a certain amount of prejudice from the hearing population.

Sighing, Valora looked around her and was not sure where she was. It was certainly a part of the castle she had rarely been in, if ever. She leaned on the stair railing looking onto the moving staircases.

“You are the Baron’s friend, are you not ?” A wispy voice said from the shadows. Valora turned and saw the Grey Lady floating towards her. The Grey Lady being the ghost for Ravenclaw, Valora had never spoken to her, but understood she should show her proper respect.

“Yes, milady, I am. My name is Valora.” The ghost floated to the railing and appeared to be leaning on it. Unlike the Bloody Baron who always seemed pleased te Vae Valora, the Grey Lady seemed almost indifferent, though not unfriendly.

“What brings you to my part of the castle ?” The ghost asked.

“I am sorry, milady. I was not paying any attention to where I was going. I have a lot on my mind and needed a walk. If I am disturbing you, I will leave.” She offered.

“Do not be silly girl, I am dead, you can not possibly disturb me.” The ghost drifted and Valora thought she might be leaving, but she merely floated to the other side of her. “What is it that has consumed your thoughts ?” Valora wasn’t sure she wanted to discuss her problems with a ghost, but the Grey Lady appeared to be trying to help in her own way.

“I was thinking about a man. He told me some things about his past and now I don’t know what to think.”

“Do you love this man ?” The specter asked with strangely vibrant eyes. Valora was taken aback by both the question and the ghost’s expression.

“Yes, milady, I do.”

“And he loves you ?” The specter asked sounding less wispy.

“Yes, milady.”

“The past, my dear, is just that. It is past, over and done with. Believe me, when I say the love of a man is nothing to be trifled with. It is possible to die of a broken heart and I am the p.” .” The ghost said looking very sad and floated away. Valora stood staring after the Grey Lady’s retreat for some time, eventually deciding to go back to her room.

~~~~~~~~~~

Valora was staring into her hearth, when she heard a knock on her door. When she opened it, she was shocked to see the Headmaster smiling down at her.

“Valora, my dear, may I come in ?” Dumbledore asked with a twinkle in his eye.

“Of course, Headmaster.” She said, moving aside to allow him to enter. She showed him over to a chair by the fire as she sat back down on the couch.

“Is everything alright, sir ?” Valora asked uneasily.

“Well, Valora, that is what I have come to find out. I was worried when I did not see you at dinner. Is all well with your mother ?”

“Yes, sir, mum is fine. We were talking this afternoon ………… about Severus.” She said, still uneasy using Severus’ given name in front of the Headmaster.

“Ah, I see.” The elderly wizard said folding his hands on his lap.

“She already seemed to have some idea of our feelings for each other. I expected her to be angry, but she wasn’t. We talked for a long time. I wish she were here now.” Valora said, looking away from the kindly face attentively watching her.

“And why is that ?”

“Severus told me ……..…..about his having been a Death Eater.” Dumbledore nodded his understanding, but was silent. “Honestly, Professor Dumbledore, I don’t know what to think. My parents and I would have been prime targets of the Death Eaters had they not chosen to live in the muggle world. I know Severus has a temper and can be difficult at times, but I never imagined…………”

“Valora, Severus …….well ” The old man started. “Severus has had a rather difficult life and I am afraid part of the blame lies with me. After a grave incident, I should have taken Severus’ feelings more into account than I did. As it was, I was far too lenient on students from my own house and Severus saw this as another attack upon him.” Dumbledore stopped for a moment, rubbing his forehead with his fingers. When he looked back at Valora, she was shocked. She had never seen the Headmaster in such pain before. “Severus was really a good lad that the world treated unfairly. He made choices, which at the time he felt justified to make. I will never forgive myself for failing him.”

“He said James Potter was one of the boys who picked on him.” The old man nodded. “Yet, Severus warned you about the raid.” Valora said.

“Yes. Severus is fiercely loyal, whether the person knows of his loyalty or not. He had a soft spot for Lily, though I am not sure a civil word ever passed between them. I wonder, at times, how protective he will be when young Harry comes to Hogwarts, in deference to Lily.” Dumbledore clasped his hands on his lap again as a silence fell over them.

“I do not mean to pry, Valora, but how do you feel about Severus ?” The Headmaster asked with a twinkle coming back to his eyes.

“I love him, sir.” Valora said standing up to pace in front of the fire much as Severus had done. “But this part of his past scares me. Especially since I am not a pureblood. He chose that life before, what is to stop him from doing it again ?”

“You, my dear. Loyalty turned him away from a life of hate and destruction. Love will help him to heal and forgive himself. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive him.”mblembledore said standing.

“Headmaster, I have heard people talk before about the Dark Lord coming back, but he’s dead isn’t he ?”

“I do not believe he is dead. His body was destroyed yes, but not his essence. I fear he will come back again.”

“Then …… then will Severus have to spy again ? And if he must act the faithful Death Eater again, what room will there be in his life for a mudblood girlfriend ?”

“Child, do not deny yourself happiness because of an event that may not happen for many years. If that day comes we will work out something, never fear.” Dumbledore walked towards the door. “Now I should go and let you think. If you need to talk further or have any other questions, do not hesitate to come to me.”

“I will, sir. Goodnight.” Valora said closing the door. She felt more mixed up than ever and the one thing she wanted more than anything was to be held in Severus’ comforting embrace and that was the one place she couldn’t go. Walking to the hearth, she collapsed onto the rug with here ine in her hands, the tears finally coming. Whether they were tears of sadness, loss, confusion, fear or anger, it didn’t matter. All of those feeling came crashing over her at once until the only thing she could do was sob quietly.


#####################################################################

Hi there faithful readers !! I don’t usually do this, but I have had so many wonderfully kind reviews that I felt you deserved some answers and comments.


Rapunzel ~ I’m so glad you got a chance to read this story, since I know you are busy with your own wonderful story. And I’m really glad you enjoy the lemony bits, especially since they haven’t done ‘IT’. I know what you mean about HG/SS shippers, but truthfully when I started reading fan fics I was a bit squicked by this pairing. (I have since come around !) But in this story Severus is about 28 or 29 and Valora is nearly 18. I myself had a tryst with a teacher (artist) after graduating high school and he was 9 years older. So this pairing is more believable to me and this story holds a special place in my heart as does this incarnation of Severus.

La Funk Chic ~ I feel incredibly honored that my little tale was your initiation into the world of fan fiction !! And I’m glad you like the *good stuff*, lemony goodness is why I write !!

ribbon_warrior ~ Thank you thank you thank you. I am so glad you are enjoying the romance !! But if you would like to try a little pointless smut, please check out ‘Snaring Snape’, a lemony piece I wrote just for fun. ^_^

aprilgrey ~ You are right, OC stories don’t get as much traffic so I’m trying my best not to be jealous of other (considerably shorter) fics. Thanks for taking the time to review and check out my other stories if you get the chance.

Maddy ~ Hey there missy !! I’m trying my best not to get depressed over it. I’m glad to see you are still following this tale. And I hope it was at least a jelly sandal you were chewing on. ~_^

Talene ~ Hello Lady !! It did take me a long time to update this time for many and varied reasons. All too boring to mention here. I have not gotten to your story yet, but I am planning on it.

Olympia Goddess ~ Thank you much. I’m glad you like Valora. I love her name !! I think this age for Severus is more believable also. I myself had a tryst with a teacher (artist) after graduating high school and he was 9 years older. As far as Valora being a Slytherin, she’s baffled too. Though she does have some Slytherin qualities, determination, a certain disregard for the rules and such. But I should probably have made her a little more wiley, but she definitely NO angel.

Rilla ~ I’m blushing here !! After the heated exchanges I’ve read in your story, you like my little offerings ? {now doing a happy dance around the living room while the twins wonder what the hell mommy’s doing. Ah, what the heck we’ll dance too.} And I won’t tell you cheated. I do have another SS/OC story, ‘Slytherin & Gold’.


One last general comment. If my writing seems a bit melodramatic lately I am blaming it on CREED. I have been listening to a couple of their CDs of late and I get these sort of intense music videos playing in my head. I think I may need a break from the computer !!


Toodles …………… Glinda the Erotic Witch



.