Worth A Thousand And One

"Fred?! George?! Is it you, you bastards?!" Harry said incredulously. "What the hell; why the hell have you done this to me and Draco?"

"Aww, Harrykins! You've spoiled our fun!" Came a voice from the right.

"We didn't think you would figure us out so quickly! We put so much effort into our disguises too." Came a rueful voice from the left.

"Came up with a voice-altering potion especially for this!" The simultaneous voices said as someone slipped Harry's glasses onto his face. The world came back into focus and Harry took in the twin shit-eating grins on the identical twins faces only a foot away from him. 

"So, again, Harry. Feeling any side-effects?" Asked Fred, or George, with great concern. 

Warily, Harry considered the two men kneeling in front of him. They stared back with complete candor. With a quick glance around, Harry recognized one of the drawing rooms at Grimmauld Place. He had lent the home to the twins after the war ended so they could invent and continue to expand the jokeshop operation. Had the ancestral Black family Manor driven them mad? Harry was hard pressed to think of another explanation for them kidnapping him and Draco. They weren't imposters. No one other than himself and the Weasley twins were keyed into the new ward array that had been set up post-war. Harry cleared his throat and decided that acting as if everything was completely normal would probably get him the answers he wanted the quickest. "Yes, other than being stiff and sore from being tied up for Merlin knows how long, I think I'm alright. Unless I've sprouted horns or some other unpleasant appendages?"

The twins hastily assured Harry that he looked just fine and that his wand was in his pocket. When he asked after Malfoy, he was informed that his royal pain in the buttness was currently indulging in a tirade worthy of Walburga Black and had been locked into a guest bedroom suite. 

"So seriously guys, what the hell is this about?" Harry finally asked straight out.

With chagrined looks at each other the twins started a tumultuous explanation in their usual round-robin speech pattern. "Well, you see..." "The thing is..." "We put a monitoring charm on you." "We were worried." "You were so depressed!" "You haven't gotten better." "You haven't even gotten laid, mate!" "Also, we have an experiment that only you can help us with." At the end of their speech they looked at Harry with imploring faces and said, "We just want to help!" and "Malfoy was an accident!"

Massaging his temples, Harry tried to sort through their jumble. They and been monitoring him for the last year. Creepy. They knew he was a virgin. Super creepy and he wasn't sure how it was even relevant? They wanted to use him as a guinea pig, again. Or maybe they already had and that's why he woke up tied up? Also, he was going to have to go calm Malfoy down before he gave himself an aneurysm. Poor guy was probably utterly terrified. Harry had learned over the years, and especially the previous 3 years, that when Malfoy lashed out; he was scared. 

"First order of business, you will remove whatever monitoring spell you have on me! Next is please take me to Malfoy so I can calm him down and explain what's going on."

Grinning like polecats, the brothers agreed. They knew that Harry had already decided to help them. Not that they had needed his permission. Or Draco's for that matter. The deed was done!