A Series of Connecting the Dots

Author's Note:thanks to Laurel for writing it and thanks to me for the beta on this chapter... lol. No, really. I adore how this story is progressing so far. I'm so addicted to it.

Chapter 10 – Harry – In a state of flux

The human body is a fascinating creation; at least it is in my experience. My body does so much without my permission, so much I didn’t understand. People say the brain controls the body, but sometimes I had to question that theory. I distinctly remember my body rudely ignoring my brain last night when I tried to get my heart to stop thumping so wildly in my chest, or when I tried to tell my cock to behave itself; apparently my body just did whatever it liked when Malfoy was around. That was what scared me so much, I seemed to have no control, just simply his presence was enough to send all sorts of hormones careening out of control. The closer he was to me the more my hormones raged and burned for him, it was frustrating because I knew if my hormones would only react that way to Mike then my life would be so much simpler. As it was my body temperature would only rise for Mike when his hand was wrapped around my cock. But Malfoy – Oh, Malfoy didn’t have to do a damn thing but show up, in reality or in my head it didn’t seem to really matter.

Take this morning for example; I’d decided that Malfoy and I needed to talk about what happened last night, I needed to make sure he was perfectly clear about the fact that we were just friends and that was all we could be – and then he walked in the room and my mind fogged up. We locked eyes as he entered the Defense classroom and I warmed immediately, but desperately wished I didn’t. I was sure he’d join me at our usual table, but then he pulled his eyes away and walked to another desk as far from me as he could manage. I felt the insult like ice-cold water being poured over my head; I couldn’t believe he’d just left me here by myself. I felt betrayed. I shouldn’t, he didn’t owe me anything, he wasn’t my boyfriend, he was barely my friend really, but I still felt betrayed. Contradicting my previous thoughts about pretending last night didn’t mean anything, I became angry that he seemed so able to disregard it, disregard me, after what we’d shared. It hadn’t been much physically, but it felt so close, so intimate. I think I’d inadvertently confessed everything to him through my body language, I was sure he knew how much I craved him, even if my mouth said otherwise. Part of me was expecting him to push harder for us to be together, I never thought that he’d simply ignore me outright.

I tried not to look back at him, it would have been too obvious, but I knew we had to talk about what was going on eventually. Why was he ignoring me? Was this some kind of ultimatum? All or nothing; if we can’t be lovers he won’t even speak to me? I knew he wanted more from me, but I got the impression he was happy enough to remain just friends.

He got up quickly when class was over and tried to hurry out the door, but I was determined to catch him and talk to him, even if I had to tie him down to do it. I jogged after him to catch up and reached out to snatch whatever part of him I could reach, pulling him around into an empty corridor where we could talk privately.

“Would you like to tell me what the hell is going on?” I demanded masking my hurt with anger.

“You made your position clear last night. I’m not here to chase you,” he answered and my mouth nearly dropped open incredulously. So he was offering me an ultimatum? … But it didn’t make sense; he had agreed to be friends.

“No, I don’t believe that,” I replied, shaking my head slightly. “Yesterday when I made myself clear you still wanted to be friends, so now you’ve changed your mind?”

“No!” he exclaimed passionately before falling into a few seconds of silence. “I might as well ‘fess up,” he sighed. “No doubt Corner’s going to tell you all about it.”

My heart leapt up into my throat in horror – Corner? My Mike? “What. Did. You. Do?” I hissed dangerously; I didn’t need Malfoy messing around with my relationship behind my back.

He sighed deeply before speaking. “I fucked up. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I think I got you into trouble.”

“Malfoy,” I growled, warning him with my tone that he better start talking, and he better do it fucking quickly.

“I told him about last night, it was an accident really,” he said quickly, obviously heeding my unspoken warning.

“An accident?” I asked sarcastically. “How do you accidentally tell my boyfriend that I…” I didn’t really know how to finish that sentence so I finished it with a growl. Malfoy could have ruined everything between Mike and me; I could have ruined everything by falling for the stupid Slytherin git. After a few moments of frustrated silence, I urged him to continue; I wanted to know what kind of damage control I’d need to do. “Go on. How bad is it?”

He cringed before starting to confess what he’d done and I braced myself for the worst. “I… I went to him to let him know the best man had won and that… this might be easier if I just let you see for yourself,” he offered. “You probably wouldn’t believe me anyway,” he added under his breath and I felt a bit guilty.

“How?” I asked, wondering how I was going to ‘see for myself’.

“Give me your hand,” he requested and I felt immediately suspicious of his motives. Nonetheless, I complied and he gazed into my eyes before removing a memory from his mind with his wand. He showed it to me and said, “This is a bit faster than trying to locate a Pensieve.”

He chanted something I didn’t understand and somehow inserted the memory into my head. It was a strange experience, not the same as using a Pensieve, I closed my eyes and it was as though I was there watching it actually happen, except I knew that I wasn’t. I didn’t feel solid like I did when I was in the Pensieve; I just felt my consciousness. As I watched the scene play out in front of me, I felt a thousand emotions overwhelm me; I didn’t know how to feel about it. Surprised at what Malfoy did, being the bigger person and bowing out. Guilty for always thinking Malfoy was, well, petty. Relieved that he’d played down what happened last night, I would easily be able to talk my way out of it with Mike. And then angry and hurt at Mike’s dismissal of Malfoy’s offer, even after he’d acknowledged I wasn’t exactly heavy on the friendship front. Bastard. As if he thought he could dictate who I could have in my life, perhaps I was letting him dictate it a little, but I did that on my own. He never told me I wasn’t to be friends with Malfoy.

When I opened my eyes the memory faded into the rest of my own memories and I saw Malfoy still staring at me. I breathed deeply as I realized just how much it would mean to him to know that I wasn’t ashamed to be friends with him. He couldn’t do this ‘friends in secret’ thing, he needed to know I was happy to admit we were friends to the rest of the school, and really, I should be happy enough to do that.

The problem was Mike.

“How could he,” I breathed, feeling hurt at Mike’s disregard for my needs and happiness.

“What?” he asked, seemingly wanting me to clarify.

“You were being perfectly civil and he just said no. He knows I have no one left,” I groaned, I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to stay and tell Malfoy that it didn’t matter that we would be friends no matter what Mike said, but Mike was my safety net with Malfoy, my conscience – I didn’t trust myself around Malfoy without Mike to hold me back. I needed to talk to him about this and sort it out; tell him what an arsehole he was being and make him see reason.

“I know, but you can’t blame him, Harry. He’s just trying to look after your best interests and he probably thinks I’m trouble, and let’s face it, I am,” he sighed. This was a whole new side to Malfoy; I’d never seen him behave so … selflessly.

“But then why did you even ask him-“ I asked, confused by this new side to him.

Malfoy shook his head sadly. “I thought I could do this, just be friends with you, but I can’t,” he whispered. “Seeing you in class today, you looked so sad and all I wanted to do was hold you.”

Those words went straight to my heart and I felt weak in the knees; I had to lean back on the wall to keep standing upright. What the hell was wrong with me? I’d suddenly forgotten all the reasons it was important for me to resist Malfoy’s charms and stay with Mike. This boy was everything I ever wanted. “Why are you being so nice?”

“I’m not,” he scoffed harshly. “If I were nice I would have just left you alone with your boyfriend. If I were nice I wouldn’t be thinking about you all the time, if I were nice I would disappear from your life altogether and let you be happy with the man you want.”

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I groaned in frustration and let my head fall back against the wall. My legs could no longer support my weight and I sunk to the floor. “I don’t know what I want,” I whispered to myself and I closed my eyes against the world hoping that my problems would disappear with it.

Malfoy sighed deeply; he sounded tired. I felt his long fingers lovingly run through my hair and it made me shiver. “Well, you know how I feel about you,” he said. “When you decide what you do want, you know where to find me.”

I opened my eyes and gazed up to where he loomed over me, I could barely contain the confusion and desperation I felt in that moment. “Good bye, Harry,” he whispered to me gently before hurrying off, leaving me alone in my misery.

My life was such a mess and I had no idea how to fix it. Destiny. Prophecy. Voldemort. Ron and Hermione. Ginny. Mike. Malfoy. It was more than I could take and as a few silent tears slid down my cheeks I knew I needed to get away. Run away. Outside. These stone walls were suffocating me and I could hardly breathe in here.

--

As I sat out by the lake in the cool afternoon air I knew I was missing lunch but I didn’t care. Who would miss me anyway? Certainly nobody at the Gryffindor table. Probably not Malfoy either, he didn’t seem overly keen on being around me just now. Perhaps Mike would, but I wished he wouldn’t, thinking of Mike tracking my movements only made me want to run even further.

As I gazed into the cool waters of the lake I thought back to my fourth year when I spent an hour down there. I remembered how silent it was, it felt very isolating and I remember being frightened by how alone I was, but right now I felt like being alone down there would be oddly comforting. It was another world, another life; I wondered if life was easier down there for Merpeople. Did they have the same problems as me? Perhaps I’d be happier down there with them.

I flopped back on to the grass and gazed up into the sky. There was a little bit of cloud but not much; it was mostly a clear azure sky that stretched up endlessly into oblivion. It made me feel small and I wished it were nighttime so I could see the sky littered with stars. Staring into the sky always made me think of my parents, I hoped that’s where they were – in the sky – that’s where I’d like to be. “I’m sorry,” I whispered to them. I always fancied that they were watching over me, but for the first time in my life I wished that wasn’t true; I think they’d be ashamed to see what I mess I’d made of things. “I love you.”

I glanced at my watch. I’d have to go soon; I had Charms with Mike. I would have to face him in a few moments and I still didn’t know what I wanted. Okay, maybe that was a little bit of a lie; I did know what I wanted, what I didn’t know was if I could allow myself to have it. Could I let myself have Malfoy? Could I rely on him? Could I trust him? If I let myself have him the way I wanted to I wouldn’t just be dating him, or fucking him, I would love him. I would give him my heart and my soul as well as my body – he would have all of me and I wouldn’t be able to keep it from him even if I wanted to. I was scared of placing myself into the care of another, I had done it in a way with Ron and Hermione and they betrayed me. Could I trust him to care for me when even Ron and Hermione had let me down? I still didn’t know him that well, he still surprised me with his kindness, but I guess I wouldn’t know him that well until I stopped holding myself back from him.

As I began making my way back to the castle, I was still unsure about handing my heart over to Malfoy and still sure that my life would be much simpler if I could rekindle my attraction to Mike.

--

“Where were you?” Mike hissed at me as I slipped into the Charms classroom a few minutes late and took the seat beside him that he’d saved for me.

“I lost track of time,” I whispered back as I pulled my Charms textbook out of my bag.

“You weren’t at lunch,” he observed and I just shrugged not wanting to get into it with him in the middle of class. “And neither was Draco Malfoy,” he added, clearly accusing me of something untoward.

“Well we weren’t together if that’s what you’re insinuating,” I growled back at him. “I don’t know where he was, I’m not his keeper.”

“Where were you then?” he persisted.

“Out by the lake, I needed some fresh air,” I told him. “Lay off, okay?”

“I know you met with him last night,” he told me dangerously as though he’d caught me with my dick in Malfoy’s arse. I already knew that he was aware of my late night meeting and I was so glad I did because I was able to give him a casual shrug, silently asking him ‘So? What’s your point?’ rather than the original shock and fear I hadn’t been able to hide from Malfoy. “I won’t stand for you cheating on me like you did Ginny Weasley,” he bit out, looking triumphant at the hurt he saw in my eyes.

“Fuck you,” I hissed at him. “I’m not cheating on you, you prick, and you fucking know it, too.”

“Mister Potter!” Professor Flitwick exclaimed commanding my attention. “I don’t know what you and Mister Corner are talking about but if it’s as interesting as it looks perhaps you’d care to share it with the rest of the class.”

“No, Sir,” I answered, dropping my head shamefully.

“Perhaps you’d like to pay attention then?” he asked.

“Yes, Sir.”

I focused immediately on my work and began reading over the passage Flitwick was referring to. I was trying to ignore Mike as best I could without literally getting up and moving to a different seat. I was almost disappointed Flitwick hadn’t separated us; it would have been much easier to concentrate on Compass charms if he had.

I was in the middle of reading about the wizard explorer who’d perfected the charm when I felt warm fingertips grazing the top of my hand. I flinched in surprise and snapped my head up to see Mike looking upset and rather ashamed of himself. He silently mouthed an apology to me and drew me in with his wide-eyed stare. His hand again moved over mine, but this time I didn’t pull away. He caressed the top of my hand before slipping his palm under mine and lacing our fingers together. I didn’t resist. Taking this as a good sign, Mike lifted my hand to his lips and placed three very tender kisses on my knuckles. He kept my hand close to his mouth so I could feel his warm breath tickling the thin hairs on my hand while he pleaded for my forgiveness with his bright blue eyes.

I matched his gaze as I considered my options. I could tell him to fuck off and run away with Malfoy – desirable, but not smart – or I could forgive him, try to make it work and convince Malfoy we’re better off as friends – not exactly what fuels my wanking fantasies at night, but a much more intelligent choice.

I squeezed his hand and gave him a small smile and I saw his whole body relax as he finally let himself exhale. He smiled back at me and turned back to his work, but he refused to let go of my hand until I required it back to write notes.

I wondered briefly what I was getting myself into.

--

After Charms Mike pulled me into the empty classroom he’d blown me in previously, the same classroom I’d met Malfoy in only last night; I shivered at the memory. It was ironic that Mike would choose this room to talk about my meeting with Malfoy, I wondered if he knew its significance – I doubted it.

Instead of lecturing me or questioning me about my activities like I thought he would, Mike pulled me into a searing kiss. He pulled my body against his with a strong hand pushing between my shoulder blades and another guiding me gently into him at the small of my back. I yipped in surprise as he embraced me in one quick movement, but instantly melted into him. He didn’t give me excited butterflies like he used to, but I was still a red-blooded teenage boy and so my arousal was obvious and almost instantaneous. I moaned into his mouth as he worked at my robes. I let the palm of my hand fall against his cock and I rubbed the length of it through his robes. He gasped against my cheek as he undid my robes with even more vigor than before, growling my name as he did.

He pushed me up against a desk and engulfed my cock like a starved man and my nerves buzzed with pleasure. He took in my entire length and pumped his mouth along it three times before pulling back to worship my cock with loving kisses and well placed licks, all the while stroking the base with his hand. “Uh, Mike,” I groaned in pleasure and before I knew what was happening he had pushed me further back on to the desk and lifted my legs so his tongue had access to my virgin entrance.

This was something he had never done before and I was surprised that he was being so bold. Previously it had been me devouring him, directing him in our sexual activities, but now he seemed to be pushing me. I guess I had been pulling back from him lately and he had been hinting heavily about how much he wanted to have sex. It felt strangely good what he was doing and he seemed to be enjoying it well enough, but it was his hand’s attention to my shaft that had me panting for him.

“Oh God, Harry, please can I fuck you?” he begged as he came up to steal a kiss, which left me understandably a little disgusted. “I’ll be gentle I swear.”

“I’m not going to let you take my virginity on a dirty desk, Mike,” I told him, not feeling as horny as I had been just moments before. “I’m not someone you can just fuck. I told you before I want a bed and some privacy. Anyone can walk in on us in here.”

“You were happy to fuck me against the greenhouse only a month ago,” Mike whined.

“Well, I’ve changed my mind, okay?” I said, starting to gather up my robes.

“Don’t go, Harry, we don’t have to have sex,” he said, grasping at my hand. “I’ll find somewhere I promise and I’ll make love to you the way you deserve.” He kissed my fingers again and I could only think about where his mouth had just been.

“Okay, but I really do have to go,” I told him, not really having to be anywhere. “I have a – um, assignment.”

“I thought you only had Transfiguration and you finished that days ago,” he frowned.

“It’s a new one,” I lied. “Potions for Snape, you know what he’s like, tries to make sure I don’t get to have any fun.”

“Alright, but I still wanted to talk to you about Malfoy,” he added, sounding colder than before.

“Yeah me too, tomorrow, okay?” I asked him. Tomorrow was Saturday and we’d have all weekend. Plus Mike would have brushed his teeth by then.

--

Saturday was a Hogsmeade weekend and Mike found me at breakfast to ask if I’d like to go to the Three Broomsticks for a drink with him and his friends. I looked for Malfoy at breakfast but I didn’t see him anywhere; not that I really had anything to say to him, I just liked knowing where he was. I’m ashamed to say I checked the Marauders Map last night and watched his dot in the Slytherin common room for a while. I should have checked it again this morning.

“Okay, sure,” I nodded to Mike and smiled at the three boys standing by the Ravenclaw table waiting for him: Terry Boot, Frankie Gibbons, and Ricky O’Brien.

As we walked down to Hogsmeade the boys were all very friendly, asking me questions about different classes and assignments, none of them talked about the nasty business with Ginny or Malfoy, so I wasn’t sure how much Mike had told them. It became a little clearer how much they knew when Malfoy entered the Three Broomsticks. We’d been sitting there for a while and Ricky was telling me about Quidditch in Ireland and how his cousin had recently been recruited for a reserve spot in a professional Irish team, when Malfoy strolled in with Pansy Parkinson jabbering at his side and Zabini and Nott following behind. He glanced around the room looking for a table and stopped short when he saw me wedged in the middle of a flock of Ravenclaws. Mike narrowed his eyes at Malfoy and he glared back momentarily before ordering a Butterbeer to go and stalking out of the pub, the other Slytherins gazed after him curiously before smirking at me and taking a free table on the other side of the room. Conversation was noticeably forced at my own table after that and it wasn’t long before Mike excused us both and we separated from the group.

“That was fun,” I said as we stepped back into the streets of Hogsmeade. I pulled my coat closer around me as a cold breeze chilled my ears. “You’re friends are nice.”

He smiled at me. “I was hoping you’d say that,” he said. “It’s good for you to get to know a few new people; you should make some new friends.”

“Ooohhh,” I sighed as it finally dawned on me what he was doing. “Is this so you don’t have to feel guilty about telling me I can’t see Malfoy anymore?”

“Well, you don’t need him as a friend, he’s nothing but a slimy Slytherin and you know he’s just going to turn on you one day,” Mike told me matter-of-factly.

“Is that so?” I growled, gritting my teeth hard.

“You do remember that he used to be your enemy? He used to tease you and your friends all the time,” he reminded me.

“Yes, thank you, I do remember and a lot has changed since then,” I said. “Malfoy was the only one to stand by me when my world fell apart.”

“The only one?” he spat angrily.

“No, of course not the only one,” I replied quickly realizing my error. “The only friend, I meant, you – you’re different, you’re my boyfriend.”

“So I’m not your friend?” he asked.

“Of course you are, Mike, you’re making this really difficult, I’m getting confused and you’re twisting my words all around,” I whined at him.

“I don’t want you seeing him again,” he told me.

“That’s going to be a bit hard; he’s in most of my classes.” A fact I was secretly glad of.

“Outside of class, when you don’t have to see him or talk to him, I’d rather you didn’t,” he clarified.

“I don’t like being told what I can and can’t do, Mike, Malfoy is no threat to you,” I retorted angrily.

“Don’t lie to me, Harry, I’m not an idiot, I’m a Ravenclaw!” he shouted. We had begun walking back to the castle early so thankfully there weren’t many others around. “I know you feel something for him; I’ve seen the way you look at him.”

I didn’t know what to say, he was right and I’d been caught out. I thought through the range of responses I could give him and none of them seemed to get me out of trouble unless I lied outright, which I had already tried to do and it didn’t work.

“I don’t want you to see him outside of class,” he repeated.

I sighed defeated. “Okay, fine,” I conceded. “I won’t talk to him unless I have to.”

Malfoy had requested the same thing anyway when he gave me his all-or-nothing ultimatum yesterday. This way everyone got what they wanted except me.

--

When I arrived to Potions on Monday morning Malfoy was already sitting with Zabini who was smirking at him and whispering something under his breath that Malfoy didn’t look pleased to hear. I paused in the doorway not really sure where to sit now that sitting with Malfoy was clearly no longer an option.

“Harry,” I heard someone say from behind me. I turned to find myself face to face with Neville, the first Gryffindor to really speak to me in nearly a month. Neville had always been kind in his own way though, making sure I was awake in time for breakfast and telling the others off for using all the hot water in the morning, leaving me with an ice cold shower. “You can sit with me if you like,” he offered and I nearly cried.

“Thank you,” I breathed softly. I made my way over to Neville’s usual bench to sit down. “How have you been?” I asked. It had been a long time since I was able to talk to him and I had always been rather protective of Neville even though he needed my protection less and less as the years went on.

“Good,” he smiled. “I’m sorry about everything, Harry; I should have stood by you.”

“It’s okay,” I said shaking my head. “I understand it’s not easy.”

“Well, shall we get ready?” he asked, obviously not wanting to talk about what happened. I nodded and Neville shuffled off to get the ingredients.

Neville and I chatted carelessly while we worked, mostly about his latest Herbology project, he didn’t ask about Mike or comment about my new friendship with Malfoy, but as things were I preferred it that way. Perhaps we weren’t concentrating as much as we should have but by the end of the class our potion definitely was not a bright fuschia, but rather a dull orange. I knew we hadn’t done well.

“Abysmal, Potter,” Snape remarked as he glanced over our potion. “Not that I expected anything more from you. You’re clearly in dire need of assistance from someone more competent than Longbottom.”

I grit my teeth as I felt rage bubble in my stomach at the insult Snape had directed at both Neville and I, but I still picked up on the oddly decisive tone in his voice, like he was genuinely suggesting I get assistance. I was confused; I would have thought Snape would have taken delight in failing me in Potions this year.

“Malfoy!” he called out.

“Yes, Sir?” Malfoy answered.

“Potter is going to require remedial Potions lessons and I’m far to busy to give them to him myself, you are my top student so you will be tutoring him at least three times a week until exams,” Snape explained with the whole class looking on dumbstruck.

“But – but – Neville?” I stammered, not knowing how I was going to explain this to Mike. I’d only just promised I wouldn’t see Malfoy outside of class and now I was going to receive extra tutoring from him.

“Longbottom doesn’t require an O in Potions to get into the Auror program, does he?” Snape sneered.

“No, Sir,” I sighed, dropping my gaze. Since when was Snape concerned about my getting accepted into the Auror program?

I packed up my books, slowly waiting for the rest of the class to file out before moving off myself.

“Looks like we’ll be seeing more of each other than we thought,” Malfoy commented as he fell into step beside me.

“Looks like,” I replied practically blushing. Damn the effect he had on me.

“Shall we meet in the library tonight?” he asked.

“Okay,” I nodded, offering him a soft smile.

“Hey, Baby!” I heard a familiar voice call to me and Malfoy stiffened beside me. Mike had been waiting for me in the dungeon passageway.

“Oh, Mike, hi,” I greeted him uncomfortably. “What are you doing down here?”

He swept me up into his arms and kissed me slowly; I could tell he was making a show of it for Malfoy’s benefit, not mine. “I have some good news,” he said to me, smirking as he watched Malfoy stalk off around the corner. “I spoke to the boys and they’re planning a nice, long outing next weekend.”

“Oh really?” I asked confused. A long outing? Is he asking me to go with him on this outing?

“Uh huh, so my dorm room will be completely empty all day Saturday,” he said, nuzzling his face into my neck and kissing and licking at my skin. “We’ll have plenty of privacy and a nice comfortable bed.”

I felt my blood turn cold as I realized what he had arranged – my girlish requirements for losing my virginity. “Mike, I-”

“I can’t wait to make love to you, Baby,” he whispered softly in my ear. “I have to go soon, I have Transfiguration, but I couldn’t wait to tell you I was so excited – am, I am so excited.” He grinned at me.

“Well, it’s exciting,” I said, laughing awkwardly.

He leaned in and kissed me carefully on my mouth. “I love you,” he confessed and I was rendered speechless. “I’ll see you at lunch,” he said finally before dashing off down the corridor.

I took a deep breath and wondered what the fuck I was going to do now.

Author's Note: Well, apparently I just can't take down Mike quickly enough. Laurel is persistently keeping Harry away from my poor little Draco.