Out of the Silent Planet

Title: Out of the Silent Planet (10/39)
Author: moirasfate/ianthe_waiting
Rating: MA/NC-17
Disclaimer: The Harry Potter books and their characters are the property of JK Rowling. This is a work of fan-fiction. No infringement is intended, and no money is being made from this story. I am just borrowing the puppets, but this is my stage.
Genre: Plot driven smut, Darkfic, Romance, Drama, Angst...
Warnings: M/F, Bondage, slight non-con, Dark!Draco, and HBP spoilers.
Summary: Post-Hogwarts - Hermione Granger fulfills Severus Snape's final wish, to journey to Japan to ‘retrieve' something of importance. Set eleven years after HBP.
Author's Notes: This is my first DM/HG ficlet, so please be kind to the newbie! The title of this fic is taken from C.S. Lewis' book, first in the Perelandra Chronicles.

To view Arthur Rackham's wonderful illustrations for Alice in Wonderland, go here: http://www.artpassions.net/rackham/aliceinwonderland.html

Many thanks to kazfeist for improving this chapter!

Out of the Silent Planet
Chapter Ten - Of conversation, intimacy, and deals with devils


Hermione could not help but think of one of her favorite books when she was a child. Images from Alice in Wonderland appeared in her mind's eye and the illustrations of Arthur Rackham of the Mad Tea Party. It was a fitting scene, as surreal as the current situation she was in, Yuki Matsumoto was the March Hare and Draco Malfoy was speaking like the Mad Hatter, and all Hermione could hear was: 'Twinkle, twinkle, little bat! How I wonder what you're at!'

She sat at the head of the table in the sitting room of her chambers, kneeling just as Yuki had placed her on a cushion on the matted floor, a kimono of white silk wrapped around her still numb body. She was able to sit upright was due to a cunning stiffening spell cast by Yuki. This spell had her hands folded and modeled on her lap; her straight back and tilted chin which jutted outward in an attentive manner. Hermione was like a posable doll, still unable to move her body besides her eyes, staring at Draco Malfoy who sat to her left, occasionally sipping sake and constantly smoking a long pipe, a tray with a bowl of sand at his side to tap the ashes into. He wore a black yukata, his left knee raised and on which he rested the stump of his ruined arm. Malfoy blew smoke rings up into the candlelight room, fragrant smoke that seemed almost green in the light. Yuki sat at Hermione's right, sipping on a cup of tea from a western china cup and saucer. Snacks of cakes and biscuits sat on china plates upon the table, making it seem more and more like some insane tea party than anything else in Hermione's addled mind

"...listening, Mudblood? Yuki asked you a question."

Hermione blinked, the fog lifting just enough in her brain to understand what Malfoy was saying to her, the mouthpiece of his pipe resting on his lower lip. Slowly she turned her eyes to the dark figure sitting at her right who was slowly pushing a cup of tea before her place at the table.

"Shall I lift it to your lips, Miss Granger?" Yuki asked with a strange mask-like smile.

Hermione said nothing for it was impossible to move her lips to speak, and she could only stare at Yuki's pale face, the corners of his lips curled up slightly, but his eyes nearly shut. Was she hallucinating, she wondered? Why did Yuki Matsumoto's face seem like a mask of a sly fox like she had seen kabuki dancers wear in pictures?

"The antidote seems slow, Yuki, you did give her the proper dose, didn't you?"

"Of course. It takes a while before the paralysis wears off and the side effects vary from numbness to hallucinations. Did you notice how strangely she is looking at me? She probably sees something we cannot..."

At this Malfoy chuckled, knocking the burning tobacco from his pipe into the sand filled bowl at his right side. Setting the pipe down, Malfoy waved his hand with a flourish and suddenly Hermione felt the muscles in her face twitch. "I will give you a biscuit if you speak, Granger...you can do so now, if you'd like," Malfoy drawled lazily, filling his small sake saucer with clear liquor.

"W-why?" Hermione croaked, her mouth moving awkwardly, her lips numb and her throat very dry.

"Why what? Give her some tea, Yuki..."

Hermione flinched as the black clad figure to her right moved and lifted the china tea cup from its saucer, holding it just before Hermione's lips. She refused to look at the man at her right as she opened her lips slightly to take a drink. As Yuki pressed the china to her lips, Hermione could vaguely sense that the tea was quite hot, but slurped anyway, letting the rosehip flavored tea slip down her gullet. Unaffected by the scalding tea, Hermione sighed as she closed her lips. A sloppy drop of tea fell from her lips to her chest, staining the white silk with a horrible red blot.

"Ah, how uncouth, Granger. You have soiled your beautiful clothes..." Malfoy sang mockingly before taking up his sake in his hand and draining the saucer.

Hermione said nothing, relishing the taste of the tea and the moisture that wet her dry tongue. Yuki set the cup down and began blotting at the spot on Hermione's chest with a handkerchief. Malfoy snickered as he watched and Hermione could tell by the slight blush on Malfoy's cheeks he was slightly intoxicated.

"You have said nothing about thanks for the clothing, Granger. Have you so few manners?"

Hermione again said nothing, but let her eyes burn into the pink spots high on Malfoy's cheeks. All she could think was to stay quiet and take Malfoy's scathing remarks. She knew she had lost...lost the battle to ever try and coerce Malfoy into being someone sane.

"But I said I would speak to you civilly, and I have been nothing but crude and condescending. I apologize."

Hermione opened her mouth to gape slightly. Malfoy's soft words had been the last thing she had expected to come out of the haughty man's mouth.

"Yuki...get lost. I can manage from now on," Malfoy hissed coldly to Yuki, his silver eyes glimmering cruelly in the candlelight. Hermione's eyes flashed to Yuki who seemed about to protest, his hand moving to his robes and possibly to his wand. "Now," Malfoy growled, his voice stern and commanding.

Yuki scowled and glanced to Hermione, his eyes dark and piercing to the point in which Hermione felt a sudden discomfort in her chest. Slowly he rose, bowed to Malfoy and quietly left the room. When the door slid shut, Draco chuckled softly, his eyes glimmering as Hermione felt a wave of raw magic pass through her heart causing it to skip a beat. It was then that Hermione began to feel a tingling throughout her body as if blood were rushing back to the numbed parts of her body. Her fingers twitched slightly in her lap as did her toes and her shoulders.

"Now, let's talk," Malfoy sighed, pouring another saucer full of sake.

"About?" Hermione asked softly, trying to ignore the pain associated with the stiffness in her previously paralyzed body.

"Me... Us... My plans..."

Hermione bit her lower lip, the tingling in her body turning into a stinging. "Alright," she mumbled.

"Let me just start by reiterating one point, Granger... I hate you."

She frowned, her face becoming more expressive as the sensation returned to her body. Of course, she was not surprised. Hermione did not expect anything less from Draco Malfoy than a blatant, straightforward declaration of his seemingly eternal hatred for her as a human being.

"But I now see the benefits of having you around. You can be useful, if you keep your mouth shut and keep your thoughts to yourself."

At this point she was gritting her teeth. What did the word 'civil' really mean to a Malfoy?

"I think I can use you to get back home, provided I want to go... But from your little repertoire and blathering speech in the garden, it seems that I am somewhat dependent on you for several things. For starters, lifting the wards and vows upon my person seem to be in your hands. Therefore, should I want to leave this place, I would need your cooperation. Secondly, you amuse me with your skill with the wand. As you have noticed I do not require such a crude implement any longer. I have evolved where you have not. And that my dear, Mudblood, just reaffirms my views that my bloodline is far superior to your mongrel bloodline..."

Hermione narrowed her eyes, feeling her anger build inside her tingling body. How dare he? And to prove her point she only moved her little finger on her left hand to send a slight stinging hex at Malfoy's leg nearest to where she sat. The hex made the blond man jump slightly and then began howling with laughter.

"Like...like I said, Granger, you always have amused me," he laughed, his right hand absently rubbing his right knee.

It annoyed Hermione for Malfoy to think that only certain people could perform wandless magic, when in fact all magical folk at the ability to do so. Ofttimes children, especially from Muggle lineage, perform wandless magic before ever coming to Hogwarts or any magical institution of learning. This ability was usually the sign that a magical child had been born into a family. Unfortunately as a child aged, the innate abilities are unlearned through the use of a wand. It was sheer will of mind and body that wandless magic could be mastered on a level such as Draco Malfoy's, but Hermione knew that she was no less worthy of performing the magic herself even though she preferred to use her wand.

Malfoy's laughter died away as he moved to pack the small bowl of his long stemmed pipe with tobacco. Hermione watched silently as he lit the tobacco with a small match from a book of matches on the tray to his right. Again the fragrant smell of sweet tobacco filled the room.

"I need to use you, Granger, as much as I hate to spend more time around you than is necessary. I have come to realize that you will be the key to getting back to Britain and into a lifestyle that will much oppose my father's way of life. But let me tell you my side of the story, Granger...and maybe then you will understand. I hate the fact that I am going to have to break down my life for the likes of you, but it seems I have little choice in the matter. You are my jailer and my savior wrapped in a shell of inferior matter... Ah, don't frown so much, Granger, it only reveals your paltry parentage."

Besides smirking at Malfoy's love of alliteration, Hermione let her face relax. In fact, she was able to sit more naturally now that the numbness and the stiffening spells upon her body were beginning to wane. Unfortunately this bodily return to normalcy only revealed how uncomfortable she felt. Besides feeling stiff in joint and ligament, she felt filthy and grimy under her fine kimono. But she turned her attention to Malfoy, hoping to finally hear what he had to say in defense of his troubled life and abhorrent behavior...and perhaps the root of his madness. There was much to mull over, Hermione knew. For instance, the fact that he was in her room, in her presence and had apparently kept her like a living doll. But Hermione pushed those thoughts from her mind as Malfoy began speaking softly.

"There is no need to talk much about our school days, because nothing I said or did has any bearing on my present sentiments for you...those sentiments have changed little. But I will tell you about my last year at Hogwarts, because no matter what Potter told you or what you learned later, you have no concept of what was truly happening when it came to my situation.

You know only the basics...that I was charged to kill that old fool of a headmaster and that I failed. I will admit, I did not want to kill him...but at the time I felt as if I had no choice in the matter. Either kill or be killed...or my whole fucking family be killed. I suppose I 'loved' my family in some stupid, childish way. I had looked up to my father for so long, and after he endorsed Tom Riddle giving me the Mark, my respect for my father faltered. You see, my father had always told me that there would be no need for me to ever take the Mark...that by the time I was old enough, the Dread Lord would have control of our world. Only soldiers for the cause took the Mark, or so my father had convinced me. I came to realize much later that my father was only baiting me, and I fell for it, of course, like any dutiful son would. But the night I was presented to the Dread Lord, I was convinced that I would be the last warrior for the cause."

At this Malfoy snorted derisively and tapped the ash out of his pipe.

"I wanted to bea warrior. I wanted the glory of being the Dark Lord's best man...make up for the mistakes my father had made and surpass him as a son should. That was what I was thinking when I took the Mark. The threats came shortly afterward. Kill Dumbledore or your father dies... Kill Dumbledore or your mother dies... Kill Dumbledore or you die... Of course I had an inkling that Tom Riddle expected me to fail in my task, but at the time I could think of nothing but succeeding in my task...and succeed I did, to a certain extent. I let the Death Eaters in the castle, I masterminded their undetectable entrance, and I was the one who had allowed Severus to kill Dumbledore.

But I was set up...and in a way I was glad. I was not a murderer, but I was a failure. I ran and ran, trying to put as much distance between me and my failure. All the while, Severus ran with me, beyond the grounds, Potter close on our heels. I did not see what Severus did or said to Potter, but I was too consumed in my own thoughts at the time. After Disapparating, Severus soon joined me at the spot we had previously designated for a possible escape. You see, Severus had it all planned, without me consciously knowing. It had been planned since before that term that Severus would kill Dumbledore, and it had been planned that we would leave Britain together. I was oblivious to the Unbreakable Vow my mother had contracted with Severus until much later. I think it was in Italy that Severus told me about that night...and I was frightened. My mother was most likely dead by the time Severus told me.

You see, I was in shock. I had failed in my task, I was a defective warrior for the cause, and my family would pay the consequences. My guilt drove me into shock, my stupidity left me speechless, my emotions had foiled all my plans...I was weak," Draco snarled, violently rapping out the smoldering tobacco from his pipe and throwing the implement to the tray with a clatter. Hermione winced at the noise, but said nothing.

"I went mad. My world had fallen down around me and only Severus was there to see it. So we ran, I, lost in myself, and Severus lost in fighting to keep me safe. I hated it...I hated him...he had taken everything from me.

In the forests, somewhere in Russia, I ran away. I could no longer bear to be near Severus. Just looking at him reminded me of my failure. My arm also ached, burned and pained me more than anything I ever knew. Granted, I had taken many a brutal beating from my father, but this pain surpassed all. I came realize, bit by bit, that this Mark was the root of all my problems. If only I had not blindly believed my father, if only I had never naively thought that the Dread Lord would make a pureblooded utopia, if only I had not been born into my house, if only I had made my own decisions from the start...if only Potter had been my friend..."

Malfoy fell silent at this sentiment and Hermione watched as the icy exterior that seemed to define Draco Malfoy crumbled away and raw emotion was left in its wake. As crystalline tears filled Malfoy's quicksilver eyes, Hermione could not help but think of a quote she had once heard: The dreams of youth are the regrets of maturity. Oh how true it rang for Draco Malfoy, and the first stirrings of true sympathy tickled at Hermione's soul.

"I cut it off...or at least I tried to. When Severus found me my left arm was only held together by sinew and skin. I was dying and it seemed so wonderful..." Malfoy whispered, grasping the stump of his left arm with his right hand, rubbing the empty sleeve of his yukata. "You mentioned poison, Granger... The Mark was a curse mark in origin, and the last curse afflicted me when the arm was lopped off completely. I knew this curse, I had heard about it somewhere long ago, and suddenly nothing seemed to matter, the poison was swirling through my blood and I was reduced to a mute, stupid, defective boy. I cannot remember much after those days laying in my own blood and praying for death, but the next thing I realized I was here...in this house.

Fragments of my self-awareness came back to me slowly; all I could think of was killing myself for many days. I barely knew who I was, but I did know that I had nothing left to lose except my own life. Severus tried to talk me round, speaking of things that he knew delighted me...Quidditch, potions, my fondness for dragons, anything to get me to respond in some significant way. Months passed, and I soaked in the healing waters of this ryokan. You know that the waters are only a healing respite, and not a cure for anything, but still, I healed physically. Mental healing was another matter all together.

I learned that Severus had destroyed my wand, and I will admit I was not happy at the waste of many galleons that had paid for that wand. I compensated in turn, honing my skills with wandless magic which seemed to flow from me with great ease. I could disable Severus from restraining me in my deepest fits of madness...which I can only remember like fleeting dreams. And finally the time came that Severus decided to return to Britain. I had heard nothing of the War, of my family, of the Order of the Phoenix, but Severus had. Two days before he left this house, he and the elder members of the family placed their vows and wards upon me. My name was verboten, any mention of my life was erased, and I ceased to be the heir of a wealthy British Pureblood family. I was Matsumoto Ryu, a cripple Japanese wizard, half mad, half idiot. You are the first person to see through the heavy glamours placed upon my person, lest you would never have known I was here. Surely Severus provided you a key to breaking through the vows in his diaries...which I will add, Yuki destroyed."

Hermione opened her mouth to speak, she had a memory of seeing the burning diaries floating about in her mind, but she had hoped it had only been a dream.

"He still does not know who his father is, and perhaps it is for the best. Yuki burned the diaries at my request. You gleaned what you needed, the rest is just drivel from an overly melodramatic old fool."

Hermione held her tongue. She knew that Severus was anything but...Severus was a brilliant wizard and Hermione knew that Malfoy should be thanking his lucky stars that he was even alive to speak such blasphemy in her presence.

"But now we get to the meat... I do not care to elaborate on my life any more than I already have, and the real question is what I should do with you, Granger. Or what you think you will do with me, if I let you. I might indulge you so much as to let you speak, I have missed your engaging repartee these past few days, I have missed it to a certain extent these many years. Truly, Granger, you have always amused me..." Malfoy chuckled, pouring himself more sake. "But here's my offer, hear it first, and consider it...you may try to negotiate, but I assure you it will only be to your frustration and my mirth....

I propose that you release me from the vow placed upon me on the condition that I accompany you back to Britain. To compensate you for your devotion to Severus' idiocy to protect me, I will donate a percentage of my estates to your ventures. However, when this is done, you must swear to never cross my path again or feel as though you are obligated to overseeing my overall well being. If I do or say something in the public realm, you will not pry or retort in any manner. You are not my friend, you are not my colleague, you are not my critic or confidante, you are not truly worthy of my notice and you are not to ever think that I will be indebted to you for any of this travesty Severus Snape has placed me in during these long years," Malfoy growled menacingly, his right hand clenching into a tight fist as he finished.

"Now, mull it over, Granger, as I am sure you will. I will drink my sake and wait."

Hermione sat very still, letting Malfoy's words sink into her mind. She watched him pour the clear sake into the small saucer and then take it up for a drink. Malfoy's proposal was straightforward, and there were compensations...but were there any guarantees to her personal safety if she were to release the vow upon him. She had little guarantee that he would not attack her that very moment. But to never have to deal with Draco Malfoy again, to pretend that he never had existed and had never survived the War, would it all be possible if he were back in Britain? Of course, she had a feeling that since she had been magically bound to 'retrieve' Malfoy, she could not leave the ryokan without him...but who truly knew but Severus?

Swearing to never have anything to do with the Malfoy's ever again would be easy for Hermione, at least on her part. But she was troubled...Malfoy seemed like a walking contradiction. As much as he said he hated and abhorred her presence, Malfoy had attacked her, tied her down and basically molested her...even kissed her and then poisoned and kept her... Hermione grit her teeth, it was hard to tell what Malfoy had done to her while she was drugged and incapacitated. It only made matters worse by not completely trusting Yuki Matsumoto to protect her...and she could feel her fury building inside her chest.

"First," she began, hissing through her teeth, but slowly releasing her tense jaw, "Answer a few questions, and then I will tell you whether I agree to your conditions."

Draco lowered the saucer to the table and leaned his right arm on his knee, gazing at Hermione impassively. "I will allow two questions... I love to see you flustered," he muttered, his speech slightly slurred and immediately Hermione wondered how much Malfoy had been drinking in the time she had sat at the table.

Hermione cleared her throat, moving her fingers to work out the stiffness, "Did you violate me in any way while you had me drugged?"

Malfoy smirked. "I would rather you be painfully aware, Granger, if I decided to sully myself with your filthy body."

Hermione frowned. "What guarantees do I have that if I release the wards upon you that you will not harm or kill me?"

"None, at the moment. Your bond to Severus apparently had no protections for your person...just a condition that you would follow the task through to the end. But I have answered your questions...now, state any conditions you have to my proposal...do you agree or not?"

Hermione closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I will agree to your proposal with the following conditions. One, you will not harm me in any way if and when I release the wards upon you. Two, when and if you return to Britain, you will not use your family's influence to either inhibit or oppress anyone of Muggle heritage. And three, do NOT call me Mudblood."

Malfoy did not reply immediately, but rested his sharp chin on his bicep, looking intently at Hermione as if he had never seen her before in his life. Hermione squirmed slightly under Malfoy's cool gaze, but cast her eye to the table top, her jaw set and her hands clenched in her lap.

"I will agree to your first condition which will only be rescinded if you attack me first. As to your second and third conditions...we'll see."

"That's not good enough," Hermione said softly, letting the words slip from her lips before she thought it out. Immediately she winced at her lack of self-control. She knew she had every right to be angry, but she did not want to provoke Malfoy at that point in time...

"It will have to be, Granger. Years of conditioning cannot be forgotten in a matter of moments," Malfoy growled, sitting up straight, lifting his chin haughtily, his eyes glimmering in the candlelight.

Hermione said nothing, but glanced at Malfoy with an equally haughty gaze. "But you will try, for the sake of an agreement?"

"I will do my best, my lovely Mud-Muggle. But I have one last condition of my own to add."

Hermione inwardly sighed, she had expected this in a way.

"Until the moment I decide to leave your side, which I will do as soon as I can return to my manor and access my estate accounts, you are not to leave my side."

At this, Hermione began laughing, somewhat hysterically. Perhaps it was her mental and physical exhaustion, perhaps it was due to the fact that she had been drugged, or perhaps it was due to the madness of the entire situation, but Hermione threw her head back and cackled, rivaling the mad laughter Malfoy was so fond of exhibiting.

"D-don't tell me that you have become so attached to me that it would pain you to have me leave your Pureblooded gaze!" Hermione laughed to which Malfoy sneered.

"Fuck you, Granger," he muttered.

Hermione laughed a bit more and finally found herself too short of breath to continue, in fact she felt very ill, very suddenly.

"What am I to you? Obviously I am not your friend, colleague, critic, or confidante. Then, what am I other than a source of amusement to you? Your newest obsession?" Hermione muttered darkly, her eyes swirling molten amber.

Malfoy said nothing and swiped his hair from his eyes with his right hand and Hermione sighed, moving her eyes back to the wood grain of the table.

With a crash, Malfoy moved, knocking over the tray with his pipe, tobacco and ash tray, to literally tackle Hermione to the floor. Hermione gasped as her head thudded painfully against the matted floor and the uncomfortable weight of one Draco Malfoy resting atop her. Hermione moved her hands to grasp at Malfoy, to somehow push him off her, but he was far too heavy and she was far too weak. Insinuating his body between her thighs, Hermione felt the kimono rip slightly at the violent motion Malfoy had used to pin her to the floor.

"I hate you so much, Granger!" he shouted, but Hermione eyes were shut from surprise and she could only feel his spittle on her face. She was too afraid to open her eyes, expecting a blow. "I hate you..."

Malfoy wrapped his right arm around her shoulders, the stump of his left arm gouging into her side. And Hermione stilled her movement as she felt hot tears drip down to her cheeks, but she did not open her eyes. She did not want to see him or let him into her thoughts. But as he rubbed a smooth cheek against hers, she grasped his yukata in bunches in her hands.

He kissed her cheeks and her eyes, and as he moved to kiss her lips, Hermione felt a fire ignite low in her belly. Malfoy's kiss was soft as his hand moved to grasp the back of her hair. As his lips moved down to kiss her throat, he twisted his hips against hers and Hermione groaned softly feeling the hardness of Malfoy's arousal rub against her center. Suddenly all logical thought left her mind as if she had been Obliviated and her hands moved to grasp Malfoy's long, blond tresses. Moving his hand from her hair, Malfoy grasped at the collar of her kimono and violently jerked, startling Hermione to gasp and squeeze her eyes tightly. Cold air hit Hermione's barred chest and she could feel her nipples constrict into hard points. The hot cavern of Malfoy's mouth encased her left nipple, teeth nipping, tongue swirling and Hermione felt a damp rush of her own arousal soak her nether regions.

Hermione tilted her hips to rub against Malfoy and as she moaned throatily, Malfoy's mouth suddenly disappeared from her bosom. Confusion ran through Hermione's arousal fogged mind as Malfoy seemed to disappear, his weight gone from between her thighs and it was then Hermione opened her eyes.

Malfoy was standing over her, his lips red from kisses, his clothing askew and his arousal blatantly pointing outward from the folds of his yukata. He wiped his mouth with the back of his right hand and sighed. With a wave of his hand, the door to the bedroom opened and the ghost, Hanako appeared in the darkness of the corridor.

"You called, Master Ryu?" Hanako asked meekly, refusing to look inside the room, but stared at the floor she floated over with intense concentration.

"Escort Hermione to the bath, Hanako, I will be there shortly. Be sure that no one disturbs your Mistress until I arrive," Malfoy said gruffly, his voice deepened with desire and his silver eyes cloudy with lust.

"Yes, Master."

Hermione moved to lean back on her elbows, staring at Malfoy, desire and confusion distorting her face as he knelt down and hastily arranged her kimono to cover her bare skin. "Go on now...you need a bath, you reek..." Malfoy said distantly, standing again and stepping across the room, through Hanako's ghostly form and into the darkness.

Hermione swallowed thickly as Hanako hovered into the room, still refusing to meet Hermione's eyes. "Come along, Mistress, I will help you bathe."

"H-Hanako..." Hermione whispered, suddenly feeling very ill and very unfulfilled. In her mind, Hermione was berating herself. What in the world had possessed her to ever accept such intimacy from such a foul man?

Hermione rose slowly from the floor, her body aching from stiffness and sexual stimulation. She felt ashamed and her face burned from an intense blush. Sluggishly she moved to the door of the room, not caring that she had nothing to bathe with, she only cared about scrubbing her skin until she bled as penance for letting Malfoy incite such a carnal response from her body. But as she walked to the springs, she wondered if she should feel more ashamed at her response to Malfoy or at the fact that she had wanted him to take her just to fill an emptiness she had tried to ignore so long.