How To Disappear Completely

How to Disappear Completely

Chapter 10: Loved Despite of Great Faults

Disclaimer: I own nothing.



Author’s Note: This chapter was named after “Loved Despite of Great Faults” by Blonde Redhead.



“You refuse to fade away. I hide to stay the same. Where do we go from here – I don’t know.”



The Christmas holidays came and went without much complication. Hermione was invited to spend the break at The Burrow, and accepted, even though there was a little bit of hesitation on her part. It was only upon her return that she expressed her reservations regarding the visit.



“It just felt weird being there. It didn’t feel like those who died were forgotten, but, it didn’t really feel right. Molly constantly ran around and kept herself busy, but you could tell that the fact that she didn’t have to knit two more sweaters this year somehow killed her inside.”



“I see that she’s directed that creative energy towards you.” Severus noted as he nodded his head at the sweater Hermione had on.



“Yes! It’s very cozy.” She stated, obviously thankful, with a smile on her face. “It’s a size too big for me, but Molly says that I need to add on some pounds.



While the weight Hermione lost last summer never resurfaced on her body, Severus did agree internally that a few more pounds wouldn’t hurt his apprentice. Some of the muscle tone she possessed before the war still wasn’t making it self present, but Severus never did have the chance to admire it with her choice of clothes.



“Thanks again for the Potions journal you gave me for Christmas. I finished it in a matter of hours.” Hermione stated with the same enthusiasm she had for her knitted sweater.



“You’re welcome. I too am grateful for the log book you gave me.” Severus said, a bit more stiffly than he would have wished.



Before she left for the break, the two unceremoniously exchanged gifts. It was an odd moment where the two automatically assumed that they wouldn’t buy anything for each other. Severus saw the new, annual publication of Primeaux Potions and decided to initially purchase it for his own collection, but instead found himself wrapping it and giving it to Hermione.



He was a bit surprised to see that she too did have a gift for him. He wasn’t expecting an empty, leather bound book, but after Hermione revealed that it could be used for keeping notes and formulas, the practicality of it won him over.



“It’s just that I’ve seen your old worn out books, and I thought that it wouldn’t hurt to have another one.” After not receiving any sort of reaction, Hermione began to regret her purchase. “It can be exchanged you know if you really don’t like it. I just thought that…”



“It’s perfect.” Severus interrupted Hermione, what could have potentially led up to a smile lingering on his face. Ever since he found and brought her back, her confidence and self-assuredness had gone missing. Everything had been taken from her in so many ways, and it had even reached into her know-it-all nature. It was like she questioned herself in every decision, however, when it came to teaching and helping him in the lab, she never wavered. Maybe she was afraid of disappointing him? Maybe she was afraid that she would ruin something?



He then remembered what she told him a while back in that she felt as if a disease were inside of her, and there was no way for her to be released of it. There were times where he wanted to tell her to just relax, but then again, it was never in his nature to coddle someone. Shaking himself from his thoughts, he heard her reflecting more about her trip.



“As much as I love Molly’s cooking, it was a bit too much for me, but then again, I think her goal was for me to gain a few before I came back here. So, what did you do?” Hermione asked, looking into her mentor’s black eyes. He never noticed that she moved to sit down.



“I enjoyed the quiet time.”



“That’s it?” Hermione seemed a bit perplexed.



“I’ve never been one for much company. You of all people should know that by now Miss Granger. Besides, some of the staff had a little get-together, so I wasn’t completely in a splendid isolation.” Severus said as he sat down in a chair, facing the fire place. Its flames, just as hypnotizing as her voice could sometimes be. (Where did that thought come from?)



“But, forgive me for saying this, but one shouldn’t be alone during this time of the year. I…..I would have stayed if you would have wanted me to.” Hermione spoke, shock beating at her internally at what she was revealing to him.



Severus closed his eyes at her words, knowing that she couldn’t directly see his facial features. Hermione softly stood up and quietly crept up behind his chair. He could see her hands, cold, in front of her, the soft blue veins standing out. He always thought such things were beautiful. His breathing relaxed as she continued towards him. Then, he felt it. Her arms snaked around his shoulders in a gentle embrace and she rested her head on his shoulder blades. He kept his eyes closed, feeling her hands meet each other in the middle of his upper chest. The only thing he could do was place his hands on top of hers. It was a matter of not having to think anymore, but instead, work on instinct. His heartbeat quickened a bit, and as he turned around to face her, he saw a yearning in her eyes that matched his own.



Then the fantasy was over; he opened his eyes and the only warmth he felt was coming from the fireplace. He looked over his shoulder and saw her sitting in the same spot she originally occupied, messing with a loose piece of wool that had strayed from her sweater. It was an uncomfortable silence in that he wanted to say so much, but didn’t dare have the words leave him.



I wanted you to stay.



I wish to hold you sometimes, and that thought scares me.



I wish to make your pain disappear.



I wish to kiss your scars.



I wish to make you mine.



Sensing the slight tension, Hermione tried to end it.



“Prof…” she stopped herself before continuing. “Severus.”



He stiffened a bit at her calling him out. Sensing her standing up, he could feel the nervousness present in her. He felt her approaching him, her heartbeat quickening with each second passing, but that could have been his. Then, she suddenly stopped.



Say something. Severus scolded himself.



“I’ll head off to bed. Goodnight.” Hermione tersely said before retreating.



She didn’t say his name. She didn’t even address him like she usually did. It was just a cut and run response. Trying to push the feeling of his heartbeat racing away, he wondered why anyone like her would want to be with someone like him.



Refusing to fall into a pit of self-pity, he soon followed Hermione’s suit and went to bed. He wasn’t tired, but just felt the need for something to do rather than fester with his thoughts.



The next few days were uneventful in that the two didn’t see each other very much besides from occasionally passing by each other. He was honest in not needing her assistance with some of the classes, and in order to save face, he wasn’t willing to have the dunderheads pick up on something.



There were days where it almost felt like she was trying to avoid him, but then again, when she would look at him, she wouldn’t shy away from her glances. It wasn’t to a point where others noticed the building tension, but it didn’t feel right. As she was coming, he was going. Their timing was off, even in their research.



Severus also began to notice that she would no longer attempt to cover up her scars with clothing. She had managed to cast numerous concealment charms over them. The faintest traces could be seen, especially on her neck, but the paranoia that she possessed regarding them faded. The necklace with its shining sapphire was never away from her person. He wanted to mention it to her, but then again, their timing was always off.



It hit him full on during lunch one day when, after sitting next to Minerva at the Head Table. Never one to listen in on someone else’s conversation, he kept to himself, but it was her laughter that pulled him into their bubble. It now was beginning to have something he hadn’t heard in a long time – hope.



Minerva excused herself before greeting Severus. As she walked towards Professor Trelawney, the space between them seemed to thicken up again. Both facing each other at the same time, it was Hermione who broke the silence.



“Professor.” She stated. “We’ve really been going through an in and out situation, haven’t we?” Hermione added with a bit of a laugh for good measure.



“I have noticed it.” Not knowing what else to say, the two just avoided the uncomfortable silence by focusing on the remains on their plates.



Hermione finished her meal. She knew that she would have another chance to talk with him later on in the afternoon when she was due to assist him.



“I’ll see you this afternoon Professor.” Hermione stated before quickly grabbing her stuff and leaving. Before giving him the chance to confirm it, she looked at him and gave him a smile that he had yet to see in her since before her violation. When she caught herself, she quickly walked away.





Four hours later Hermione made her way to the dungeons. Severus noted her presence in the lab, but didn’t greet her. The two of them had an understanding in that manner. She would walk in, and get to work. It had become second nature to them.



“I was wondering, Miss Granger, if you could re-organize and stock up the potions storage room. It’s been a bit of a mess with all of the brewing, or attempted brewing, the dunderheads have been doing lately.”



“Sure.” Hermione replied, knowing that with a few flicks of the wand, everything would be taken care of. She felt, somehow, that maybe he was trying to avoid working directly with her. A slight panic seemed to form at the thought that he didn’t want to associate with her. Trying to seem nonchalant about it, she walked back into the lab and removed her robes.



“The stock list is right over there.” Severus stated as he directed his vision towards a table as far away from him as possible. “You do realize that certain ingredients need to be handled with the utmost delicacy.” Severus stated, his usual veneer gracing his face.



Just like you Miss Granger. Severus thought to himself.



“Yes, of course.” Hermione noted with a tinge of disdain in her voice.



The storage room could be claustrophobic to someone if enough time were spent there. The room would get a bit stuffy after a little while, so Hermione didn’t regret losing the robes. She appreciated how her mentor had everything organized by alphabetical order. There were a few ingredients that couldn’t be housed next to one another, but there were some that needed to be stored in a certain area of the room to where the temperature could be charmed twenty degrees colder.



She didn’t realize how time consuming it could be to make sure that every single ingredient and crafted potion was accounted for. Checking off the list as she went along, she bent down to pick up an empty vial of what was marked as “Virgin Blood.” There was a little bit of it dried to the bottom, but it was in need of a refilling. Hermione didn’t notice Severus walk into the storage room.



“Miss Granger.”



“Shit!” Hermione dropped the empty vial. Not bothering to turn around, she began to pick up the shards of glass on the floor, expecting to receive a verbal lashing from a man who hadn’t exactly been so warm towards her for the past few days. “Considering how important these ingredients are, and just how delicately they need to be treated, it’s not so smart to just walk on in here!” Hermione spit out, frustration in her tone.



When she finally turned around to look at him, he just stood there, looking at her. She felt as if she was under a microscope, and she didn’t like it at all.



“You’re out of virgin’s blood.” Hermione stated, regretting her previous statement.



“I’ll see to it that it’s taken care of then.” Severus stated. He couldn’t say anything to her. He couldn’t even chastise her for dropping the vial. He could only look at her and hope that she wouldn’t think that he was angry with her, even though his facial expression spoke the opposite.



“How do you go about that? I mean, how is an ingredient such as virgin’s blood collected? Surely, you need the consent of someone who possess’ it.”



“Pomfrey usually takes it from first and second years when they are hospitalized. The ingredient isn’t in demand so much as others in here, but I don’t need to tell you just how powerful such an ingredient is.” Severus spoke, lacing his words with a slight sensuality. “I am sure, for the most part, that the dunderheads aren’t focused on their hormones as much as the older ones are.”



“That’s understandable.” Hermione spoke as she cleaned up the mess with the swish of her wand. “It seemed that the last four years had nothing but hormones floating about. The last year was maddening. I guess it was the idea that one could die any day, so, why not have a go at it!”

“Surely Miss Granger you engaged in such activities.” Severus stated, as he proceeded to look for the jar of vampire bat hearts, knowing that he was pushing the boundary. He remembered hearing a brief mention that she was a virgin before her assault, but the asshole in him wanted to push some information out of her.



“What?” She replied, shock in her features.



“Mr. Weasley?” He asked her, finding and grabbing the ingredient he was looking for.



“No!”



“Not even Potter!” Now, he was looking at her.



“No!” Hermione spoke, revulsion on her face. “They’re like my brothers, and I was never that desperate!”



“Well, then who was it?” Severus asked, knowing that it was really none of his business. Krum? Some muggle she may have met back home. “Please, anyone but Longbottom!” Severus could imagine her slapping his face right about now, but she looked down at the floor.



“Mr. Yorke took that honor.”



He immediately regretted pushing her.



“I ask that you forgive me for my previous statement.” Severus stiffened immediately, but Hermione didn’t seem to be insulted.



“I hate how everyone has treated me like I’m some delicate thing that can only be handled a certain way. I wouldn’t wish what happened to me on anyone, but I can’t let those incidents dictate my life. I won’t say that I’ve completely moved on, but…I’ve accepted it, and I’m not some just some muggle whose parents were slaughtered. I’m not just a rape victim. I’m so much more, and so much better that that! I’m Hermione Granger – the insufferable know-it-all who I know got her apprenticeship because of a meddling old headmaster.” The last sentence was laced with a bit of humor in it.



Severus didn’t notice Hermione inching closer and closer to him as she gave him her personal creed. He also didn’t notice that she placed the stock list down. He also didn’t notice the sudden increase in his heartbeat. He could only look at her slowly approaching form.



“I never thanked you for bringing me to visit my parents.” Hermione whispered. “I also never thanked you for coming with me to face Indra Karnstein.”



“There was no need for it…you can rest assured Miss Granger.” Severus replied, hoping that by him user her surname, she would realize what was happening and retreat because he couldn’t bear to do it.



“Why have we been so distant lately?” She continued, not noticing how uncomfortable she was making him.



He didn’t have a chance to reply before he noticed her hands coming up to rest on his cheeks and softly work their way to the sides of his head; the tips running through his hair. All the while, staring into his eyes, and Merlin’s beard, he couldn’t avoid her brown orbs. It was as if she was afraid to touch him, but she didn’t pull away. Their eyes must have been locked on each other for at least twenty seconds. He counted because he didn’t know what else to do in that moment. Frozen, but nevertheless, excited by an anticipation he hadn’t felt in ages, he was showing her the vulnerability he possessed.



Before Severus knew it, she brought her lips to his. At first, he resisted, his black eyes still open, but he gave into her impulse, eyes now closed, and grabbed onto her with a desperation he never expected to show. Her hands weaved their way even more into his hair as the two gave into what they both somehow knew was eventually going to happen.



Five seconds became ten. He placed his hands over hers, and while he intended to pull them away, he felt the delicate lines that were her veins. Ten seconds became twenty. His thumbs traced their way to her wrists, and it was when he felt the small ridges of what were her concealed cigarette burn scars, he suddenly pulled away.



Hermione looked at him, glazed eyes filled with something entirely different from anything he had ever seen. It wasn’t lust or infatuation, and he wouldn’t label it as one of love. Her perfect mouth was slightly open, taking in and releasing breaths she couldn’t take because of their kissing.



“Merlin.” She whispered.



“I…I’m sorry Miss Granger.” Severus said before he rushed out of the storage room.



Hermione, still in a bit of a daze, didn’t notice his absence. It was only when she said his name out loud and saw that no was there to hear her did her fear confirm itself.



“Severus?” she repeated. There was so much she wanted to say, and now felt the courage taking her over. It was as if she finally realized that every glance, slight touch, and moment spent with him had now finally exploded inside of her.



She recalled the time Ginny revealed that he was the one that found her and brought her back to Hogwarts. Suddenly, she remembered the way she held onto him, burying her face into his clothing, hoping the blackness of it all would wash away the images she had suffered through moments earlier.



Running back into the lab with a feverish excitement, she reached a sudden halt with what she saw. It was too late – he was gone.