Sing for Me, Cry for Me

10. Make-up.


Harry was sitting on the floor of the bathroom eyes closed, head thrown back when Ron entered. He tiredly opened one eye to look at the newcomer and groaned rolling his head to one side.

"Not feeling well, Harry?" inquired Ron slightly approaching.

"Fuck off, Ron." was all Harry said waving him away with his hand.

"No problems, mate. Just wanted to be polite."

Harry snorted.

"Don't be. After all you didn't bother for quite some time now."

"I know." said Ron sadly going back towards the door. He was reaching for the doorknob when he froze in mid motion. He turned around and looked at Harry.

He looked tired and very pale. His eyelids were closed his hair disheveled and his breathing shallow. And Ron felt that he couldn't go. He felt the need to stay here along with Harry, to talk to him. He needed Harry to understand. So he tried again:

"Harry?"

"What? Haven't I told you to fuck off?"

Ron smiled bitterly.

"Yes you did. But you'll find now that I am not going to comply with your wish."

"For the first time" was hanging in the air between the two of them. At this very moment they both had the same thought that they didn't even know how to call one another. Best friend? No. Just a friend? No. Who were they to each other at the moment. No one. Just two boys who shared the same dorm and bathroom. Who met occasionally in the morning before classes and maybe caught the sight of each other before going to bed. But nothing more.

There was an abyss between them that they couldn't overcome. That grew between them out of nowhere. Both of them knew that they were guilty in one way or another. But no words came. And Harry didn't want to talk that much. He had an enlightening conversation maybe an hour ago and he really wasn't up for another discovery that day. Besides he was sure that Ron and he were lost to each other and that there was nothing either of them could do. He was tired. Extremely tired. Hermione drew all the strength out of him with her distrust, her accusations, her contempt, her almost hatred.

He couldn't understand what came over her and why it all ended like that. Life was too complicated for his liking. Since Friday night every thing in his life showed him the side of it he'd never seen before. As if it was some sort of initiation that he had to pass and to recognize friend or foe, right or wrong, love or hate, good or bad. And so far he was failing.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday - four days, four days that didn't give him a minute's rest. He was exhausted. He was weak and he didn't know whom to turn to, who to trust. Though such notion as trust seemed ridiculously naive right now. He trusted Hermione, he believed that she would understand, though he didn't tell her the whole story, he believed that if he had told her she would have understood. But now he wasn't so sure anymore. And what did he do to deserve that? He just stepped into her zone, into the realm where she deemed herself a queen. It was unfair. It was unfair that she turned that way. He didn't deserve all those words she told him and it hurt. Because in reality though she was more than glad to help him out with his schoolwork she didn't believe that he could accomplish something beyond what he already did. Like he wasn't up to her standards. Like his intelligence was lower than hers was and he could never achieve the highest results. And this realization hurt. The realization that the person he trusted for such a long time, the person he believed in, the person he believed to be smart not to mention his closest friend didn't believe in him. So what was the point in helping him than? Just to make sure that he wouldn't be able to do it, to keep him at bay? Did she want to tell him: "Don't worry, you'll do it." and then "Well, not everyone can do it." Not everyone is smart enough like me. Did she want to give him sympathetic looks and half smiles telling that: "But it's all right. It's not like you need it anyway." It’s not like you’re able to do it.

Harry couldn't believe that he was so damn naive. That he couldn't distinguish what people truly were. What intentions they had towards him. And maybe Lucius Malfoy wasn't so bad after all. Because unlike Hermione’s his touch didn’t hurt him, his words didn’t hurt him. And maybe when white was turning black, black in its turn was turning white? Harry didn’t know and he wished there was someone who could hold him tight and tell him that everything was going to be OK because so far he found himself in a black whole with no way out. A single tear slid down his cheek.

And like every time that he felt bad with no one to reassure him Harry started singing totally oblivious to Ron’s existence.


A few questions that I need to know
How you could ever hurt me so
I need to know, what I've done wrong
And how long it's been going on
Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
But I'll know never to make the same mistake again

You can tell me to my face,
Or even on the phone,
You can write it in a letter,
Either way, I have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way I'm going out of my mind
All the answers to my questions, I have to find

My head's spinnin'
Boy I'm in a daze
I feel isolated
Don't wanna communicate
I'll take a shower,
I will scour, I will run
Find peace of mind, the happy mind
I once owned, yeah!

Flexin vocabulary runs through me
The alphabet runs right from A to Zee
Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscious asking questions that I can't find
I'm not crazy
I'm sure I ain’t done nothing wrong, no
I'm just waiting
Cos' I heard that this feelin wont last that long

Never ever have I ever felt so low
When you gonna take me out of this black hole
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feelin yeah, you got me feelin really bad
Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
I've never ever had my conscious to fight
The way I'm feelin' yeah, it just don’t feel right

I'll keep searchin' deep within my soul
For all the answers
Don't wanna hurt no more
I need peace, gotta feel at ease
Need to be
Free from pain, going insane
My heart aches, yeah


Ron was slowly sliding down the wall clutching at his heart.

Harry stopped singing and was sitting silently with his eyes still closed. He felt better with the song pouring out of him. For a moment there he thought that he shared his pain with somebody else.

“Bloody hell, Harry, why didn’t you tell me?”

It was like coming back to the past where Ron and he were still best friends and shared everything together. Harry’s eyes flew opened.

“Ron? What are you doing here? Why are you still here? I thought you were gone.”

“Well, if you hadn’t closed your eyes you would have known that I’m still here.”

“Whatever.” said Harry and closed his eyes again. He really didn’t want to see anyone.

“Harry?” he heard Ron’s uncertain voice.

“Yes?” yelled Harry irritably and looked crossly at Ron who was still sitting on the floor strangely huddled and clutching at his heart. In Harry’s mind he looked worse for wear.

“What’s wrong with you?” he inquired with concern. They might not be on best terms right now but he still cared for Ron.

“It’s you Harry.”

Now that wasn’t the answer he expected. And he really was getting tired of being accused by his so-called friends for their bad days or problems they had. He felt anger rising in him again.

“Excuse me?” he spat out.

“I mean not you exactly, it’s more like your voice. It’s beautiful and… Don’t you know what you do to people when you sing?”

Harry looked at him as if Ron had gone insane and in Harry’s opinion he probably had, but Ron went on in a hushed awe-struck voice the one he used at the very beginning when he found who Harry was.

“You are one of them, Harry. Did you know that?”

“Ron,” said Harry tiredly “do you mind elaborating? Who are they and what do I do to people when I sing?”

Harry didn’t know what he could possibly do to people while singing and not like he ever sang in front of an audience. The only person apart from Ron now who heard him sing was Lucius Malfoy and judging by the results he was impressed and overexcited. Harry just hoped that Ron wouldn’t jump him on the spot but by the look of it Ron was in no condition even to walk so no drastic movements Harry sure Ron wouldn’t commit. So there was no apparent need to run for help just yet. And there was no visible effect of his singing on Ron if there ever could be one, which again started making him angry.

“You know, Ron, no one asked you to listen. And I distinctly remember that I told you to leave in no uncertain terms so don’t you dare blame me for whatever problems you’ve got because I am sick and tired of it.”

“No, Harry, you didn’t understand me. I don’t blame you. I’m not Hermione.” He added quietly, so quietly that Harry didn’t hear. Neither that nor the hurt in his voice. “It’s just that…shit…I don’t know how to explain it. There is no explanation really. They don’t have a name and no one talks about them much. People are afraid of being cursed. And they hide themselves too. They are afraid of being discovered and…”

Harry squeezed his eyes shut.

“Ron, I hope you do realize that you’re babbling.”

Ron suddenly scrambled to his knees and crawled to where Harry sat.

Harry could feel his erratic breathing close to his cheek.

“Harry, open your eyes. Harry please listen to me! It’s very important!” Ron pleaded.

Harry slowly opened his eyes and looked at Ron with aggravation, nevertheless he said:

“I am all attention” and gestured to Ron to proceed.

Ron took a deep breath and started talking:

“OK, so… once there was a king and he had a beautiful daughter who had…”

Harry started laughing.

“Ron, it’s hardly time for bedtime stories yet.”

Ron made an irritated noise and swore under his breath:

“Harry will you just shut up for a moment and listen to me. And it’s not a fairy tale, it’s a legend!”

It took only one look at Ron to see that he was sincere and serious so Harry bowed his head not uttering a sound.

“Thanks. And don’t interrupt me. It’s hard as it is. Right, where did I stop or better where did you stop me. So, there was this king and he had a beautiful daughter who had the most beautiful voice. When she sang the people that were around her felt the emotions she experienced while she was singing. If she was happy, people around were filled with happiness, if she was sad people felt her sadness deep in their hearts. Well, you get the general idea, right?” asked Ron nervously.

Harry nodded.

“As a king’s daughter she had certain obligations one of which was a ritual of showering streets of the city with petals of every beautiful flower that grew in the kingdom. Well, people at that time believed that if the roads would be showered by flowers every morning at sunrise, the soil would absorb all that beauty and as a gratitude would provide them with rich crops. Bullshit, in my opinion, but that’s what they thought. Anyway, this girl was walking all through the city at sunrise showering the streets with these petals and of course she was singing. I mean isn’t it boring to do the same thing over and over again? And it was her voice that was waking up all the people. And as long as she sang happy songs people were happy too and their days were happy and their work was productive and the whole kingdom was flourishing as long as she kept singing.”

Harry wondered where that was leading to but decided to oblige Ron and remained silent. Besides, it was absolutely hilarious watching Ron talking for more than two seconds and being quite eloquent at that.

Ron cleared his throat and continued:

“But one morning when she was walking and singing she met a stranger. It was a young man from another kingdom and he was crossing the border there. He heard her voice and stopped to listen. And so they met. And the girl…well…the girl…she…fell in love…with this guy.” at a long last blurted out Ron.

Harry stifled a laugh and put on a serious facade. But he would never forget the uncomfortable look on Ron’s more and more crimson face when he said the last part of the sentence.

“So, they spent the whole day together walking hand in hand. She showed him the country and she was singing for him all through the day. People of the country could hear her voice and it filled their hearts with new emotions so strong that some of them couldn’t handle it, which they never felt before. At sunset she still was singing and when she finished the stranger kissed her on the lips and than told her that he had to go. So he went away taking along with him her heart, soul and her voice…”

At that Harry rose an eyebrow.

Ron cleared his throat looking still more and more uncomfortable.

“Well, you see, she gifted him with her voice. She sang for him all through the day. Not for people of her country, but for him, only for him. She gifted him with everything she had, with her heart and soul and voice. And when he kissed her he sealed this gift within himself. Her voice it was like a promise. But after he kissed her he didn’t stay but walked away. He left her. And she…she started grieving. She wanted to sing, but couldn’t because the voice didn’t belong to her anymore. She wanted to relieve herself of those feelings that were now in her hurting heart but couldn’t, because she could do it only by means of singing. She tried to cry, but tears fell and didn’t help. When night finally came she couldn’t take any more pain in her heart and died.”

“Wow,” thought Harry, “I never knew Ron could be so poetic.” But he didn’t say anything out loud presuming that the story must have an epilogue.

“The next morning people of the country woke up in alarm. Something was terribly wrong. They couldn’t hear songs, they couldn’t smell fragrance of flowers, the sky was grey, the wind was blowing and the storm was about to start. They all poured out in the streets and started asking one another what was wrong. The king was informed that his daughter was missing and a search party was organized. Soon she was found lying among dying flowers of yesterday pale and dead. Someone recalled seeing her with a stranger. The stranger was never found.
The king was beyond grieving. He forbade singing, all the songs were destroyed, and people who could sing were hanged. The country was plunged in mourning and gloom and soon ceased to exist.
But they say that once in a while there appear people either among wizards or muggles with those beautiful voices who fill your heart with their emotions.”

“Touching, very touching, Ron. The tragic story. I am going to cry. Would you give me a tissue please and pray tell me what does it have to do with me?”

“Don’t be cynical, Harry. You are one of them. While you were singing I could feel your pain. I’ve never felt anything like that before. So deep in my heart. It ached. Ached a lot. She must have hurt you really bad.”

“You felt my pain?”

Ron nodded.

“Good. Why should I always be the only one to feel it.”

“Be serious! Don’t you see? You’re one of them! You should beware the one you fall in love with. If the person won’t love you back your voice will be taken and you’ll…you’ll”

“Die? Honestly, Ron! It’s just a fairy tale! Don’t be childish!”

“It’s a legend! How many times do I have to tell you! It means that it happened in the past and it might happen in the future if you won’t be careful.”

Harry rolled his eyes.

“Haven’t you learnt yet that everything is possible in our world? Haven’t you noticed that almost no one sings in our world. Well, there are some people who do sing, but they are not numerous. Most of us are afraid to get exposed. What if you fall in love with someone and that person will take away your voice?”

“Ron, calm down. It’s not like I’m going to walk around Hogwarts singing. If I knew you were here I would never do it. Besides, I’m not in love with anyone and I promise not to sing to anyone and than get kissed in return.”

Ron huffed and suddenly yelled:

“Don’t look at me like that!”

“Like what?”

“Like you do. I know what you think about me Harry. And maybe you’re right. But that’s what I am and there’s nothing I can do about it. Sorry if I’m not worthy of being your friend but I’m not perfect.”

“I know that! But why don’t you let me be just as imperfect as you or any other. Why are you always condemning me along with the others? Why have you become so distant? Why did you stop being my friend? Is it so much of a responsibility?”

“You seemed quite all right without me! Always with her and now look what she’s done to you! All last year you were together…”

“You were always with us!”

“Yes but you didn’t seem to notice me.”

“You chose it for yourself. If there were problems you could tell us. But you were becoming more and more distant. I hardly remember the last time we talked.”

“You always had her beside you. I thought you were dating! I thought you didn’t need me anymore!”

“Why would we date? And don’t you think we wouldn’t tell you? I didn’t want to withhold anything from you Ron. But sometimes it was getting really scary being around you. Some things you said. And I knew you would never accept the truth if it wouldn’t fit into your perception. You were always so narrow-minded, so bigoted, even shallow. You didn’t bother. You just went with the flow. And for me it’s not enough. I needed a friend. Someone who could comfort and give compassion and you would never do it!”

“I know damn it!”

“You never tried!”

“I know! But I want to try now!”

“What?”

“Listen to me. All the last year I was watching you. And yes I admit it I was envious and jealous and I couldn’t stand the way you were getting closer and closer and I couldn’t. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t. And than I thought you were together. And I thought it wasn’t fair because I always thought that Hermione would be with me. And here was another thing you beat me to.”

Harry tried to say something but Ron stopped it.

“And I was angry. Angry all this time. And I was with the two of you all this time hoping that I would spoil your mood as well. I wanted you to feel as miserable as I felt myself. You don’t know how much anger there was inside of me. And the last straw was this weekend when you just monopolized her.”

“You could have joined us.”

“I thought it was quite enough. So I stayed behind watching you from afar. And you know I understood that I was seeing everything wrong.”

“Sounds like epiphany to me.”

“It is of a sort. You know I spent some time with Dean…”

“I noticed.”

“Don’t you think we think a bit higher about ourselves?”

“I don’t know about myself, but Hermione definitely does.”

“I think we do to. I mean we never actually communicated with anybody else. Always just the three of us like everybody else is not worth it.”

“I don’t know. But I’m not very sociable and besides how can I be friends with someone if everyone sees in me just Harry Potter the Boy-Who-Lived? That’s not me who thinks that they are not worth it, it is they who put me high on the pedestal that doesn’t exist.”

“I know. Now I know that you didn’t care and that you didn’t wanted it and that you didn’t date Hermione.”

“Took you long enough…”

“Well I am stupid!”

“Well spotted.”

“Will you stop rubbing it in?”

“Sorry.” said Harry snorting and not looking sorry at all.

“So, what made you change your mind?”

“Well actually it was that space between us. When I looked at us from afar. And when I looked at you and Hermione today. I heard some things she said and I didn’t like it one bit.”

“Well, thank you.”

“Yes, well actually I don’t know. Maybe the time I’ve spent among common folk and not with the great Harry Potter and Hermione Granger.”

They both started laughing.

“Opens your eyes on many things…”

“I can see that. Just make sure you’ll be able to close them some time soon.”

“Sure. I’m sorry that she hurt you so much. But you almost took her place…”

“I will take her place. She will never forget the last months she will spend here at Hogwarts. I will show her that I can be as smart as she can or even smarter. I won’t let any muggle-born witch outstrip me this time.”

“Don’t you think it’s a bit too late to set up records?”

“It is never too late.”

“As you say though don’t count on me spending time with you in the library.”

“Wouldn’t dream of that.”

“Good, or I would regret pouring my heart to you right now.”

“Ooh, poor Ronnie…”

Suddenly the door burst open and an out of breath Neville fell into the bathroom. He clenched his fists and started yelling at Harry.

“What did you do to her?”

Harry looked at him astonished.

“Did what and to whom?”

“To Hermione!”

“Nothing at all.”

“It’s a lie!”

Harry and Ron exchanged glances.

“And why is that a lie?”

“Because I met her on my way to the dorm and she was crying. She said that you employed violent actions towards her”

“She said what?” cried Harry and Ron in unison.

“And you believed her?” asked Ron incredulously.

“Why wouldn’t I believe her. I saw the state she was in!”

“But you haven’t seen the state Harry was in after she launched herself on him while he rejected her advances!”

Harry looked at Ron sideways and mouthed:

“Rejected her advances?”

Ron mouthed back shrugging shoulders:

“To spice up the facts.”

Harry nodded and started talking to a flabbergasted Neville:

“Nev, I didn’t hurt Hermione in any way. If anything it’s the other way round. And I would never employ violent actions towards her even if she deserved it. Do you believe me?”

Neville looked uncertain and started fidgeting on the spot. Harry continued:

“Neville, look me in the eyes and say that I can hurt physically the people I love or loved.”

Neville looked up Harry in the eyes.

“I-I do believe you Harry. I-I didn’t know. I-I thought you were dating and you…”

“Where did you get that ridiculous idea about us dating?”

Neville darted his eyes at Ron.

Harry put his hands on his hips imitating Mrs. Weasley:

“Ronald Weasley, I so don’t want to hear that it was you who spread that ridiculous rumor!”

“Well, I believed it at the time!” said Ron defensively.

“Whatever, I’ll deal with you later. Now…I think I know how to explain to the rest of the population my so-called violent actions towards Hermione. And I need your help…”

***

“Have you heard? Potter and Granger broke up.”
“Broke up? But they’ve just started dating.”
“Exactly and today he caught her with…”

***

“I don’t believe it!”
“Imagine that!”
“Honestly I don’t know what he saw in her in the first place.”
“No one knows. She isn’t even pretty.”

***

“A Hufflepuff! She was with a Hufflepuff? Has she lost it?
“She has! I mean who would have changed Potter for some Hufflepuff?”
“Don’t ask me. He’s positively hot.”
“Bitch!”
“My thoughts exactly!”

***

“Did he hit her?”
“Slapped her right across the face!”
“Served her right!”
“I mean would you ever cheat on such a gorgeous guy like Harry?”

***

“I hope he dumped her after that?”
“And not only. Slapped her too.”
“Do you think he needs someone to comfort him?”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“Well, I’m up for the task.”
“Silly and who’s not.”

***

“And people actually think that she is smart?”
“…”
“Idiot in my opinion. So… does he has anyone now?”

***

“How do you know about that?”
“Heard Ron Weasley and Neville Lonbottom talking about it. You know they are Harry’s friends. They should know better.”
“Poor thing.”
“Can you imagine and she pretended to be his friend all this time. Remember what they wrote about her in our forth year…”

***

That’s how the things were going by the end of the day with a martyred Harry and a condemned Hermione while at the boy’s dorm Harry decided that the day was long enough for him.

“I think I’ll go to bed now.”

Ron looked at him in mock shock.

“And no library today?”

“Imagine that. But today was a day full of information even without a library. Too much information, too many shocking discoveries… See ya tomorrow.” said Harry yawning widely.

Harry went to bed praying that Ron would still remember tomorrow what happened today totally forgetting that he was supposed to be transported to Malfoy Manor at midnight.