The Phantom of Idiocy

Hermione, having a lot to ponder, had decided that she needed to find some quiet sanctuary in which to mull over the recent events. Whoever will I marry? Would Snape eventually give in? Where’s Harry gone off to lately?

These questions clouded her mind as she wandered into Dumbledore’s mysteriously empty office. She sits herself down in the plush chair behind the headmaster’s desk. She hears some muffled moans of pleasure from the other side of the wall where Dumbledore’s chambers are located, but decides it’s best not to think about it.

As she continues to mull, ponder, contemplate, meditate, consider, and examine, an unexpected visitor bursts down the door. \"Miss Granger,\" the voice growls, \"What the hell are you doing, after curfew, in the headmaster’s office?\"

Hermione involuntarily flinches at the harsh words. \"I’m sorry sir, I just needed a place where I could think.\"

\"So you chose the headmaster’s office?\"

\"Well what are you doing here then?\" Hermione retorts, sitting up straight and determined not to let him see her weakness.

\"I have a meeting with the headmaster in order to discuss needed supplies for my newly revised Potions class curriculum…but clearly he is indisposed at the moment,\" Snape replies. During the pause in conversation, a distinct animalistic groan echoes from the other room. Snape rolls his eyes, realizing he’ll be stuck here for awhile.

Snape conjures a straight, hard backed wooden chair and places it on the other side of the desk facing Hermione. \"I should take house points off for this,\" Snape says, \"But I’m feeling in a particularly generous mood at the moment…\"

\"Well,\" Hermione says, \"If there’s any sort of compensation I can give you for your generosity…\"

Snape looks up at this, surprised at her forwardness, and plunges his gaze into Hermione’s eyes. He notices a warmth in them, an understanding. The brown and gold of her irises swirl and give him comfort as he begins to get lost in their golden speckled wonder. Her pupils are quite large; Is this the sign of her passion? Her desire?. Snape grows large at the thought. He so badly wants to take her now, on the desk…Could it be that she desires the same?

Hermione, in turn, stares into his eyes. The blackness envelops her. They chilled her at first, but now she finds an odd type of warmth and understanding in them. Suddenly she finds herself wanting to curl up in his eyeballs and stay there forever, being comforted. She then notices his heinously dilated pupils. Is this the passion of the Potions Master burning within? Hermione grows wet at the thought. Just one kiss, just one kiss. All I need is one kiss…

There is a long pause in which both are painfully silent. All that can be heard is the moaning and groaning from the other side of the wall, acting as a sort of odd aphrodisiac building up the tension. In a flash of lightning, Snape is standing. In one fall swoop, he brushes his hand across the headmaster’s desk. Fine silver instruments scatter, clanking and breaking on the ground.


He throws his arms forward, grasping the front of Hermione’s robes, and pulls her into an almost painful kiss. He ravages her mouth, almost as if he intends to bite it off. Hermione has never known such power. As she melts into him, he picks her up and pins her down on top of the desk and starts nibbling her neck and biting her in other random places.

A cloudy red swirls, growing larger in the remembrall that Snape brushed from the headmaster’s desk. \"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck,\" Snape says, \"I always forget the condoms!\"

\"Oh no prob,\" Hermione says, \"I’m on birth control…\"

\"So this isn’t your first time, you lying lovesick slut?\"

\"No,\" Hermione replies, defending herself, \"I’ve just always taken it just in case… I’ve been saving myself for you!\"

\"Damn straight, bitch!\" he growls as he continues to bite, nip, and rip off her outer robes.

****THREE HOURS LATER****

\"Oh my god,\" Hermione pants, \"That was the most wonderful experience of my life… And people said losing your virginity hurts…\"

\"Well,\" Snape replies, \"There was always the sex god in me waiting to escape from within the black billowing robes of mystery.\"

Suddenly, eyes twinkling, Dumbledore emerges from his rooms. \"Sorry to have kept you waiting Severus, m’boy, although I dare say it looks like you’ve been busy yourself!\"

Harry waddles out behind Dumbledore, bow legged and limping slightly. \"Hermione what are you doing? And with that thing?\"

\"Nothing Harry…grr….greasy git,\" Hermione stammers awkwardly.

\"Perfectly logical explanation,\" Harry says, \"I’ll meet you back in the common room.\" He continues on his way, groaning in pain every few steps.

\"See you this time tomorrow Harry, lov—I mean, m’boy…\"

Suddenly, McGonagal comes running into the room. \"A threeway?!?!?!\" she cries, outraged, \"You know Albus, it’s a lot better with two girls!\" She turns and runs out of the room, tears streaming down her face.

Dumbledore’s look is blank and he seems completely oblivious to McGonagal’s little interruption. \"Anyway, I’m off to bed now… Hermione, you need to think more about that pesky little marriage law!\" His eyes twinkle brightly as they move between Hermione and Snape.

Once Snape and Hermione are alone once more, there is a horribly awkward silence as both of them struggle for words.

\"I…er…umm… you fuck good!\" Hermione says, and then claps her hand over her mouth, embarrassed.

\"Oh Hermione,\" Snape coos.

Hermione involuntarily flinched at his first use of her given name. \"Oh Severus,\" she coos back.

\"I love you so much,\" Snape says, stroking her hair gently, \"I just wish that I could take you back to my dungeons and hold you in the spoon position for all of eternity. I want to spend the rest of my living days fucking you.\"

\"I love you too,\" Hermione says, \"We’ve found the perfect solution to this marriage law… Now we can be wed!\"

Snape freezes, the pause growing longer and more awkward by the second. He speaks suddenly, all the previous warmth from his voice lost, \"You need to leave. Now. I need to think. Get out.\"

Hermione is scared by his reaction and very confused. She has absolutely no idea why he would react this way, but leaves him to his solitude nonetheless.