Book of Shadows

10

... some time later

The sun is streaming through the window that is next to his bed. He cracks open one eye and feels Crookshanks balled up at his feet. Today will be a good day, he knows. It\'s cold in his studio apartment even in the summer and it\'s not much better in the winter but he doesn\'t care. He\'s happy here.

He res fes for his glasses, slips them on as he gets up. Stretching loudly and long, he makes his way to the small bathroom that is nothing more than a toilet and a shower stall. But it\'s his toilet and his shower stall. It\'s small but he\'s perfected the art of using the toilet without kicking the shower or knocking his elbow against the sink and using the shower without moving his arms too much. The small sink is next to the toilet and it looks more like a basin suspended in air than a sink but it\'s big enough to hold his toothbrush.

He\'s had a good week at the gallery so he makes himself a sandwich (tomato on rye) for breakfast. He enjoys eating the whole tomato himself without worrying about Dudley swiping it from under him. But he\'ll share it with Crookshanks when the cat asks nicely. Every week the food is different depending on if he sells any of his paintings. The last three weeks he and Crookshanks had been eating rice and beans but neither of them complained. Even the mice took time off but they seem to be appearing again and Crookshanks is on the prowl. It won\'t be long before he\'s fat again.

Hedwig comes sweeping through the window next to Harry\'s bed and drops the mail on the counter. It separates the stove from the small refrigerator. Hedwig lands on her perch and preens. She\'ll soon be sleeping the day away. Harry rifles through the pile. He never replies to any of the mail he receives. Not even the letters from Hermione which come less frequently now. He keeps her letters in a box under his bed. He only reads them because he can hear her voice in his head and it\'s a comfort he won\'t admit to.

Today there is one letter from Hermione and a letter from the District Manager of the Auror Training League. Every few weeks Harry gets a letter from him, pleading with Harry to come in and teach the new recruits. Harrubtsubts he\'ll give up even if Harry did send a formal letter declining the offer. Besides, he gets a spark of joy knowing that they still need him and now he can say no. He\'s dictating his own life now and he\'s the happiest he\'s been in years.

Once his sandwich is gone and the post read, he dresses in old jeans with holes in the knees and a paint splattered tee-shirt. There\'s a canvas spread out on his floor that he\'s been working on for days, trying to get it right. He\'s not sure he\'ll ever finish it.

In the center is Snape\'s face. Burning black eyes, black hair, and as pale as the white canvas. He\'s turned slightl the the right and a red hand print mars his white cheek. A disembodied arm reaches out to him from the lower left-hand corner. The hand is open, palm up as a sign of submission. There are cuts on the arm that are open and dripping. Harry thinks this is his way of expressing his grief over Snape\'s rejection. He stares at the canvas, squatting on his haunches and holding his head. He isn\'t sure if there\'s anything left to add to it. His thoughts are interrupted by the phone that he keeps on the floor. \"Hello?\"

\"Don\'t tell me you forgot.\"

He grimaces but speaks politely to the owner of the gallery. \"CJ, hello.\"

She sighs. \"You did, didn\'t you? I swear I should just staple the notices to your forehead. Have you even checked your mail yet this week?\"

\"Um...no. Should I have?\"

It sounds like she\'s banging drawers around. Harry noticed once that she only does that when she\'s truly irritated. \"I\'m displaying some of your stuff this week. Kelly dropped out so I needed a filler and people seem to like you. I figured you\'d be thrilled for some extra cash but you haven\'t called.\"

He sits down fully on the floor and begins to clean one of his brushes. \"Did you need me to call you? You know you can show whatever you want.\"

\"Well, you see, that\'s the thing. I want to show number 78.\"

He drops the brush, the clatter of wood on the floor is frightfully loud but its drowned out by the blood pounding mercilessly in his head. \"78?\"

CJ plows through, \"Look, I know you don\'t want it to be in the show but it\'s really good, Harry, and I think you should let me put it in. There\'s space for it and everything. I won\'t even put a price-tag on it.\"

He swallows. \"78?\" Number seventy-eight is the Forbidden Forest at Hogwarts. And in the foreground is a detailed drawing of Snape staring up at the stars. It was done in oil. To Harry it always represented how Snape was forbidden to him. Harry clears his throat loudly. \"I guess so. Yeah. Sure. Put it in.\"

\"Oh that\'s good because it\'s already up. If you\'d bother to check your mail or the clock, you\'d know that the gallery opened three hours ago.\"

\"So do you want me to come down there?\"

\"That would be good.\"

He sighs and stares at his canvas. \"Right. I\'ll be there in half an hour.\"

CJ switches from boss to friend-mode in two seconds flat. \"Working on that canvas of Severus?\"

Harry rubs his eyes. \"Yeah. It\'s just not working right.\"

\"You could bring it down and we could display it,\" CJ says hopefully. Ever since Harry told her about Snape (minus the magic), CJ has been fascinated by him and what he means in Harry\'s paintings.

\"No. This one stays here for now.\"

\"Fine, fine. See you in a little while.\"

\"Bye.\" He hangs up and rubs his neck roughly.

He met CJ a year ago at a club in London. She\'d been trying to hit on him and Harry flirted just for kicks until she found out he was an artist and he found out she had a gallery that had some empty space. He\'s been showing and selling his stuff at her place ever since.

Harry changes into what he calls his \"gallery clothes\" but really they\'re just the only set of clothes he owns that aren\'t covered in paint. The clothes from Sirius. He grabs the key to the apartment and sticks his wand in the waistband of his pants, out of sight but easily reached, and opens the . C. Crookshanks head shoots up. \"What? Do you want to come?\"

He licks his chops lazily and as Harry closes the door, Crookshanks shoots out and waits for Harry at the top of the stairs. Harry chuckles and follows him down and outside. Crookshanks knows the way to the gallery and always stays ahead of Harry but only by a foot so they don\'t lose each other. It happened once and Crookshanks has been paranoid ever since. The streets of London are not the corridors of Hogwarts.

The gallery is only a few blocks away and there are already a few people milling around. Some of them he recognizes. Ernie licks his lips when he sees Harry opening the door for Crookshanks. He\'s been after Harry since the day they met. Harry waves at CJ as she comes over. \"Hey - I see you brought your mangy shadow with you.\" And then sneaks a pat or two for Crookshanks when Harry pretends not to look. Crookshanks stays at Harry\'s side as they mingle with the crowd and answer questions from potential buyers.

One woman comes up and shyly asks, \"Who is the man in number 78?\"

Harry smiles at her. \"Someone I knew once.\" That seems to please her and she skitters away to tell her friend. Harry doesn\'t mind their questions so much. They aren\'t intrusive by any means and he likes knowing that his work is appreciated. Crookshanks mews loudly and rubs against him. \"What is it? Does someone smell like fish?\" he says and rolls his eyes. Crookshanks turns up his nose.

\"Still talking to your pets, I see.\"

Harry\'s heart stops and he looks down at Crookshanks who looks smugly at him and begins to bathe himself. Harry swallows and turns around. \"Hello.\"

Snape smiles in his own way. \"So this is where you display your art?\" He\'s wearing Muggle clothes and Harry\'s fascinated with how easily clothes change everything about Snape that Harry always feared and loved.

He shrugs. \"Every so often. I\'m not even supposed to be here this week.\"

\"Then I guess it\'s my lucky day.\"

\"What are you doing here?\" Harry finally asks. If he had known Snape was coming... he probably would\'ve stayed home.

Snape shrugs easily. \"My love for art was recently renewed.\"

\"Oh.\" His disappointment is almost suffocating.

Snape looks intensely at him and Harry almost looks away. \"You have some meager sliver of talent. You can imagine my shock.\"

Harry glares furiously. He could handle it when Snape snipped at him about Potions but Harry takes his art seriously and he can\'t help the pain he feels after that comment. He squares his shoulders. \"There are plenty of galleries in the city. Am I to believe it\'s a coincidence that you walked into mine?\"

\"Touché, Potter.\" But he saw the pain and flicker of defeat in Harry\'s eyes and perhaps it\'s time to leave old grievances behind. \"I didn\'t come here to be p wit with you.\"

\"You had me fooled,\" Harry sneers and turns to find the nearest exit.

Snape grasps his arm. \"I - forgive my behavior. It is easy for me to slide back into it, even now.\"

Harry peers at him, notices the lack of glare or sneer. Somehow, that\'s more frightening. He\'s used to glares and sneers but not this near calm that seems to be exuding from his ex-professor. \"Tell me the truth - what are you doing here? How did you find me?\"

Snape shifts uncomfortably and Harry feels a near victory knowing that there is something that can unsettle Snape. \"Is there any place that we can go that\'s more private?\"

He panicks a little. Private? With Snape? Isn\'t that detrimental to his health? Except this isn\'t the Snape he knew in school. \"Well, we could go to a cafe but they won\'t let Crookshanks in.\ He He rolls his eyes. \"And you never separate yourself from your cat?\"

Harry glares. \"Don\'t mock what you don\'t understand,\" he hisses. If he were a cat, his fur would\'ve been spiked and crackling. He\'s startled by an arm wrapping around his waist and a kiss being placed on his cheek.

\"This bloke bothering you, love?\" Ernie asks, glares at Snape, and possessively tightens his grip on Harry\'s hip. Ernie is only a little taller than Harry but Snape towers over both of them.

Harry watches in fascination as Snape bares his teeth at Ernie, he swears his ex-professor is going to growl at him, but Ernie just glowers back. Something flutters inside Harry\'s stomach while he watches them fight over him but mostly that Snape would be jealous, might want him. He turns to Ernie and says, \"No. He\'s not bothering me.\" He sees CJ across the room, jaw on the floor and eyes bulging. \"I think CJ needs you.\"

Ernie looks over at her and nods. \"Alright. But if this bloke gives you any trouble, you come and get me.\"

He nods. \"Sure Ernie.\" His arms slips from Harry\'s waist, gives Snape one more glare as if to say, \"Mine!\" and stalks away. Harry laughs a little until he sees that Snape\'s glare hasn\'t diminished at all and there\'s a little bit of foam collecting around his mouth. He wants to kiss Snape gently on the mouth so he knows that Harry\'ll always belong to him. Instead, \"Professor, calm down.\"

The glare is turned on him but it withers almost immediately. The hard look in his eyes doesn\'t fade though and Harry wonders if Snape is hurt by Ernie\'s display of dominance. \"Is he your...?\" Snape can\'t bring himself to say the word. It gets caught somewhere in his throat.

Harry shakes his head. \"No. He just works here.\"

He isn\'t convinced. \"He was all over you,\" he says in a growl and his hands are clenching into fists, slowly moving towards his wand.

Harry stills his hand, looks Snape in the eye. \"There\'s nothing between Ernie and me.\"

Snape searches Harry\'s face, he was always good at sniffing out liars. He relaxes visibly. \"Good.\" But his gaze still follows Ernie around the store, threatening pain and death if he ever touches Harry again.

Harry sighs. \"Come on. I should get you out of here before you really do kill him. Crookshanks!\" The cat patters over from the corner and stands smartly next to Harry. He smiles down at him before grabbing Snape\'s arm. \"Let\'s go.\"

Reluctantly, Snape allows Harry to pull him from the gallery and onto the busy street. \"Where are we going?\"

He shrugs. \"Home, I guess.\" Crookshanks is already headed in that direction so Harry and Snape follow behind, a safe distance between each other so their hands don\'t accidentally touch. The walk has never seemed so long before but finally they\'re climbing the stairs and Harry is unbolting the door.

\"This is where you live?\" There\'s more amazement in that question than disgust. Snape looks around the small apartment and wonders how Harry has gone to this. He always pictured Harry being in a nice little cottage somewhere in Cambridge with a garden. He\'s not sure why he always pictures the garden. \"It\'s nice,\" he lies. He hates it. He hates that Harry is living in this dump.

Harry knows he\'s lying, too. He doesn\'t respond, only stashes away his canvas because he doesn\'t want Snape to see it. There\'s no place for them to sit except the floor. \"Would you like something to drink?\" He\'s calling up old reserves from when Aunt Petunia was entertaining guests.

\"No, thank you.\" Harry stares at Snape as he sits on the grimy floor and neatly folds his legs underneath him. The silence stretches between them and the only sounds are the mice scurrying in the walls and the gentle rustle of the leaves outside. Snape watches in mute horror as a mouse runs across the floor in front of him. Crookshanks pounces easily on it.

Harry smiles affectionately. \"Good Crookshanks.\"

The cat licks his chops and tears into the mouse before moving his kill to the corner to eat in peace. He keeps a watchful eye on Snape.

The disgusted look on Snape\'s face doesn\'t disappear as he shifts on the floor. He thinks of moving but there is no other place to sit. Harry sits uneasily on the counter that separates the refrigerator from the two-burner stove. It makes Snape long for his clean dungeons. \"How long have you been living here?\" he asks, hopes he won\'t contract some kind of Muggle disease from the floor.

Harry shrugs as he looks around and smiles. He can tell that Snape is uncomfortable here but this is home to Harry and he is happy. \"About two years, I guess. It wasn\'t hard to find.\"

He snorts. Of course not. The landlord probably wanted to shovel the apartment off on the first sucker who showed interest. \"The state doesn\'t bother you? The mice -\"

\"-If you\'ve come here to criticize my home, I suggest you leave,\" Harry says darkly, evenly.

\"Of course,\" he murmurs. \"Where you choose to inhabit is completely your own choice. Far be it for me to say anything.\"

He looks closely at Snape; suspicious of what the man is really doing here. \"You\'re letting me win? Just like that? No scathing remarks about how I don\'t have a proper chair for a guest?\"

\"None at all. That isn\'t why I\'m here.\"

\"And why are you here, Professor?\" Harry wonders aloud.

\"I came to return something that you left behind at Hogwarts.\" Harry frowns as Snape pulls a worn book from a bag he didn\'t notice before. It takes Harry a second to recognize his old drawing book. The binding is heavily creased, more so than he remembered and the pages fan out like it\'s been viewed a thousand times by curious hands.

He meets Snape\'s eye. \"It\'s yours. I left it to you.\"

\"And that is a question I\'ve been mulling over since I received it.\"

In truth, Harry has been wondering the same thing. Why did he give his most prized possession to Snape? Granted he had been completely infatuated with the man at the time but that didn\'t give him a reason as to why. Why Snape? Why anyone at all? What made him leave it behind two years ago in Hogwarts Entrance Hall? \"I really don\'t know. At the time, it seemed like a good idea.\"

\"Well, it is yours and I thought you might like it back.\"

Harry almost recoils when the book is forced towards him. \"Keep it. I gave it to you. I have no use for it.\" He doesn\'t want to see those drawings he made or the passages he wrote in his moments of absolute grief and depression. That was past now and he wants to keep it that way.

\"If you wish, I will keep it.\" Snape stands gracefully and tucks the book away. \"It really is a marvelous piece of work.\"

\"Thank you,\" he manages to get out as he slides off the counter top, expecting to walk Snape to the door. He stops and chooses his words as carefully assibssible. \"Why did you come and find me? Really. I know it wasn\'t to return the book.\"

Another unbearable silence stretches as they study each other, seemingly for the first time. Snape looks so different without his impenetrable robes and foreboding sneer. He looks like he has weathered a thousand storms but come out stronger from them. His hands are as strong as Harry remembers, sure and thick. He stands tall and so lovely that Harry\'s heart begins to pound. He feels like a student again, caught up in the brilliance Snape always seemed to exude.

The way Harry holds himself is foreign to Snape. He looks both young and old at the same time but his eyes hold a kind of life that was missing those last six months. Those months of checking up on Potter seem like a million years ago now as they stand in Harry\'s vermin-infested apartment. For a second, Snape understands. He understands why Harry left and never came back; he knows why Harry disappeared into Muggle London. For a split second, Snape wishes he could do the same.

\"I should go,\" he says. \"I\'ve taken up too much of your time.\" The knob is cold in Snape\'s hand as he opens the door. Nearly frantic, Harry grabs his arm and keeps Snape from stepping into the hallway. The way Harry\'s eyes plead with him makes Snape\'s breathing hitch.

\"Stay.\" Harry\'s voice wavers only an instant, enough for Snape to see the need and the desire; the feelings that were kept in the drawing book. That damned drawing book!

Snape lifts his hand but pauses for a second as it hangs in mid-air. He\'s going to make a decision that will effect him for the rest of his life; a decision he\'s wanted to make for ages. The grip on Snape\'s arm is tight but it loosens minutely when Snape places his hand over Harry\'s, squeezes until their fingers lace together. His mouth contorts into what he hopes is a smile as he closes the door to the hallway. He thinks he can get used to the apartment.

End.