The Diaries of Hermione Granger and Severus Snape

August 8, 2000

 

As I promised, I will continue telling you about my day from
Hades; or as the calendar calls it, August 6, 2000. You will recall that when I
last left you, several of the professors had seen my wand’s new look – which after
all, being “inch for inch” accurate, makes me want to finish my conquests all
that much more urgently!

 

Anyway, once my fellow professors regained their composure,
we got back to the task of getting the new wards completed. Although, every
time it was my turn to start or enhance a ward; Sirius would start grinning. I
swear if he keeps this up, I might be joined to start coming up with some dog
jokes on my own.

 

The final ward was a strength based ward and required all of
us to stand in a circle point our wands upwards and chant the charm over and
over. In the circle, guess who was across from me? Yes, you guessed it,
Severus. It took about 30 minutes for the ward to take effect. Of coursy
wy
wand would dutifully spurt and sputter in magic throws at least once a
minute.  If only a real man could have such staying power!

 

It was finally time for lunch by the time we had created all
the wards.  I was talking to Professor Flitwick and heading for the Great
Hall; which is why I never saw the hex coming (Oh gods that was NOT intended to
be a pun. I swear!).  You know that funny feeling you get when someone
hexes you?  Well I felt it, and I didn’t have to think twice about whom
had done it.  So, I took a deep breath and waited to see what the fates
had in store for me. 

 

Dumbledore, just as we got to the large oak doors to the
entrance, joined our conversation. He helped open the door with a chivalrous
flair. I, in my well taught way, thanked him and placed a hand on his arm.
 Evidently, I thanked the poor man more than I had intended.

 

The man began writhing as if in pain and moaning in the most
conspicuous way. He grabbed hold of the door and began humping it like a bitch
in heat. He started yelling “yes, right there” over and over and over. 

 

It was most embarrassing. I was wondering what in the world
had happened. Apparently, so were the other professors; because Sirius quickly
pulled me away to check on Dumbledore.


 

Instantaneously, he, too, was in the throws of what seemed
to be passion. He fell to the ground and writhed around; these movements were
marked by random hip thrusts andls (ls (yes, like a dog).  

 

At this, I heard a loud guffaw. The very same guffaw I heard
when Larry the Leprechaun visited. My heart stopped in horror. It could not be
ME causing these behaviors in others. Holy Hades!

 

I had to test my theory. Since I was still rather put out
with Minerva, I decided to use her as my test subject. As she yelled for Flitwick
to summon Pomfrey, I touched her on the arm. She began squealing like a pig.
You know that high pitched squeal a piglet makes when you pick it up! Her hands
were running up and down her body and then began pulling her hair out of her
neatly coifed bun. Her knees buckled and soon she too was writhing on the
ground. Oh Hades! I WAS the one causing them to react that way.

 

As I came out of my realization and shock, Pomfrey arrived
and took a look at the victims. She got the most peculiar look on her face and
asked if any of us had been hexed lately. I slowly raised my hand. Pomfrey
quickly walked over to me and quickly tapped me on my nose with the tip of her
finger.  A smile appeared on her face and she cried out, “Yip! 
Yip!  Yip!  Thanks I needed that!”  She then asked me if I knew
what the Touch of Ecstasy Spell was. I shook my head in the affirmative.

 

The Touch of Ecstasy spell is a spell that can be best
described as the Midas Touch of Orgasms. When a person comes in contact with a
person hexed with the spell, they writhe in ecstasy until they reach three
orgasms. That is the only way to break the spell. As for the person hexed, they
are active for 24 hours.

 

Pomfrey conjured three chartroltrolleys, placed the victims
on thed wid with a flick of the wrist sent them to the infirmary. 

 

With that done, Pomfrey suggested that I continue on to
lunch with Flitwick and Severus. She also suggested that I not to touch anyone.
(No shit, Sherlock!)

 

That said, Flitwick took a step back from me and ushered me
into the castle.  Severus followed Flitwick’s actions and also gestured
for me to enter first. So, I opened the door and moved through taking great
care not to touch anyone. Severus and Flitwfollfollowed at a safe distance. We
entered the Great Hall and found all the other professors already there. I went
to sit in my regular spot, but Severus told me to wait.

 

He then filled the rest of the staff in on my predicament
(Miserable Bastard!) and suggested that I be asked to eatone one of the student’s
tables. All the other professors, not wanting to be in the throes of passion
apparently (prudes), agreed with Severus. I was banished to a student’s table.

 

I ate in silence obviously, as there was no one for me to
talk too. I was still close enough to hear the conversation at the staff table.
Needless to say, it was heavily centered on my recent predicament.  I kept
myself sane with thoughts of bringing Severus to his knees.

 

Severus ate quickly, but with such g. He. He seems to get
pleasure knowing that once again he was superior to me both in the skill of his
hexes and in the knowledge I was once again a child sitting in front of him at
the student’s tables.  As usual, he did not stay to converse with anyone
and soon left the Hall.

 

However, it seems that Severus was still upset over the
potion from the night before; because, as he was lng tng the Hall, he conjured
Peeves, the school’s poltergeist, and sent him on a mission during the rest of
our lunch.

 

There I was, eating lunch and minding my own business (in
banishment, no less!), when Peeves came swooping by. He cackled evilly as he
took a steep dive and landed in my soup. He splashed it all over me, but that
was not the worst of it. No, he had to come around and try to fly through me.
Okay, he DID fly through me. However, it seems that the Touch of Ecstasy spell
is not indifferent to ghosts and poltergeists; nope, definitely not. Before I
could bat my eyelashes, Peeves was screaming “Boogety Boogety Boo” over and
over. He began to shake uncontrollably and green ectoplasm was splattering
everywhere.

 

All the other Hogwart’s ghosts came to see what all the
commotion was a. Do. Do you know how embarrassing it is for ghosts to be
discussing your orgasmic abilities? No, well keep it that way.

 

I hastily left the Great Hall and prayed for the day to be
over soon, so I could commence with my revenge.