Revenge of a Hermione Scorned.

A/N: My dear readers… you do not really think that I want Snape to be with Trelawney do you? Please, credit me with SOME good taste.



*evil laugh*



Am in wicked mood today, as have left the place of torture (my parent’s house) and returned to the sanctity of my own home, my fiancé and two cats. Feel much better as well, so am well disposed to write.



*another evil laugh*. Now to mess with Hermione’s mind once more!



Daya.



*



I cannot get my head round this at all. Feel as if a wet kipper has been slapped round my face, shortly followed by a herring and a salmon for good measure. I didn’t just see… I mean I couldn’t have… I thought he said she was a death obsessed stick insect? Why the hell was he groping her then? My gods, my eyes!



Is too much for brain to cope with, so finding a cold stone bench that will no doubt freeze my arse off, and leave a wet patch on my jeans (only wet patch I’ll be experiencing tonight…) I sink onto it, and bury head in hands.



Am overwhelmed. Cannot believe he would choose her! Of all the staff, teachers, random magical creatures, that are walking around Hogwarts, why did he have to choose HER?!!!



Try to work out why exactly I am so upset about this. After all the man is young, (well, I think he is, he’s not to Albus’s standards yet), free, and single. He can shag whoever he wants. But did it have to be her? And did it have to be directly in my path? Anyone would think he wanted to me fall over them. Am surprised to find main feeling I am experiencing is actually jealousy. I want to be held to Severus’s chest, and to writhe on top of him while he attempts to pry my arms from around his neck…



Wait. That’s not part of my fantasy. My fantasy usually involves us being naked. And Snape and Trelawney were definitely in a state of dress rather than undress. Although Sybil was attempting to wriggle out of the red leather halter neck she was wearing…



Severus was fully dressed…



And not looking exactly happy about it all.



Perhaps that explained the cries of ‘Miss Granger!’ in a slightly panicked tone as I stalked off.



Oh shit.



Have left him at mercy of horny death obsessed stick insect.



Please explain to me why I have a reputation for being intelligent? Because as soon as my reproductive system takes over, every shred of intelligence I possess suddenly turns tail and runs.



Of course it could have been part of their fun and games.



Urgh. I shudder at the thought of Snape and Sybil playing kinky games… and try to remove all images of ‘crystal balls’ from my mind… Nope, not working just yet. Aargh.



So have reached one of two conclusions. The first one being that Snape was getting it on with Sybil Trelawney, the second being Sybil Trelawney was molesting Professor Snape. And I walked away from him. Dear gods, the poor man!



Something appears to be approaching me from the gardens. In manner of oversized bat. Even from this distance I can se his face is thunder. He’s pissed with me again, for either interrupting his love tryst, or for failing to protect him. Oh sod him. I sigh. I really don’t care anymore. All I want to do is finish this year at Hogwarts and then get as far away from Snape and the repeated humiliations I have suffered since I arrived at this school. Before he can reach me, I take the cowards way out, and sneak into the school…



*



I really wish I hadn’t. Great Hall is grotesquely decorated in festive designs, mainly hearts, and vast amounts of left over flying mistletoe. These little fuckers hide, and then spring out above unsuspecting couples, and hover there until they kiss. Once more I question Albus’s ability to function normally in society, this is indeed a cruel and unusual punishment.



Other highlights include a huge bright pink neon sign declaring ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’, and a huge table filled with pink food, that all looks like it’s filled with sugar. Looking at the way some of the first years are bouncing around already in a slightly juddering manner, I can only presume my hypothesis is correct. Am not looking forward to this evening in the least, can see highlight being holding back some first year’s hair as they vomit copious amounts of pink stuff up having overdosed on glucose.



My attention is suddenly caught by something odd…. Perhaps Albus does have some good ideas…



Hello Cupid… bags I be Psyche…



Albus appears to have hired several ‘Cupids’ to generally drape themselves around the place, or to serve drinks, Cupids that are muscled, tanned, dressed in skimpy loincloths, with cute little bow and arrows…



Ohh…one just winked at me. Perhaps tonight is looking up after all. Just as soon as I can get the images of Snape and Trelawney out of my head…Am not the only person interested in these muscled hunks, several of the female students are looking rather flushed, and Hooch appears to have wrapped herself round one. She sees me looking at her, and shoots me a wink; Iurn urn her filthy smile in an encouraging manner… Good for her, lucky thing.



Turn around to go and break up fight that has broken out between third year Gryffindors and Slytherins. It’s the same every year…



Dear Gods! Albus appears to be attempting to recreate Patrick Swayze’s moves from Dirty Dancing, with Minerva as a willing partner. Hurriedly decided that the third years can kill themselves for all I care, am not going anywhere near that sight, quickly back away from dance floor only to bump into a certain Cupid.



Feel self control rapidly disappearing. Resist urge to twirl hair and simper. And to stroke those toned, tight, tanned stomach muscles… Am still staring fixedly at them when I realise he’s speaking to me.



‘Are you alright?’ he asks in a devastatingly sexy accented voice. Self control hears it, and packs bag for Peru.



‘Me?’ I gasp, and feel eyelashes flutter of their own accord. Damn them. You will control yourself Hermione Granger! Inner voice that tells me I seriously need to get laid disagrees with sensible inner voice… there is a brief battle while I generally drool over Cupid, and sensible inner voice follows self control to Peru.



Release inner sex kitten and purr ‘Oh, I’m just fine thank you, it was lucky you were there to catch me.’



‘It was, wasn’t it?’



Damn…another arrogant wanker. However he isn’t attempting to shag Sybil Trelawney so it doesn’t really matter. Will forgive him as long as he turns out to be good shag.



‘I simply don’t know what I would have done without you.’



Can’t quite believe that this is I saying these things, yet appears to have desired effect. Who knows, I might enjoy playing the Damsel in Distress. Run eyes over muscles again… Hmm… am beginning to feel slightly horny methinks, mindless shag will be just the thing to cheer me up.



‘May I ask your name?’ He looks suddenly very puppy like, and realise the poor dear isn’t arrogant, merely shy. Am still trying to place accent.



‘Hermione,’ I whisper still staring into his eyes. Damn, have had things for accents ever since Viktor Krum waltzed into my life, and gave me my first proper fumble.



‘Hermione,’ he rolls it on his tongue, feel electric current head straight for somewhere around my lower abdomen. ‘I am Sven.’



‘Sven?’ Wonder if he is a Swedish dentist who was once bitten by moose. Giggle to self. Suddenly realise we appear to have drifted am now standing in slightly private corner, I am standing in a slightly dark corner with a Swedish Cupid called Sven!



Oh thank all the gods! Oh yes, Sven, that’s it, just a little bit closer, his mouth is mere inches from mine, its all moving so fast, must be romance in the air, just a quick kiss, and then I’ll try and figure out how soon I can drag Sven back to fleapit I call home, eyes flutter shut, his mouth is so close to mine, I can feel the warmth of his lips, appear to have one hand resting on his stomach, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….





One thing can be said for the Swedish. Well actually two. The first is that they are a very clean, environmentally friendly country, which can only be a good thing, the second is that they are rather fantastic kissers. Am more than happy to stand where I am and ignore indignant voice that is fighting to get my attention.



‘Miss Granger!’



‘Fuck off,’ I mumble against Sven’s probing tongue.



‘Miss Granger, you will unhand that… that… that…’ can hear voice searching for accurate description and failing miserably, ‘…that THING at once!’



No. I don’t think I will actually. Am quite happy where I am. Wrap arms tighter round CupidSven and have a sneaky sly grope of muscled arse.



Feel hand grab me by top and yank me backwards so fast Sven is left tonguing the air while I have vacant expression of a goldfish.



‘How dare you!’ I spin round knowing full well that Batface is going to be glaring at me in manner familiar from first year Potions.



‘Indeed, how dare you Sevvie? The girl was just having some fun.’



Am surprised to find Hoochie sticking up for me from where she is artistically arranging herself around a dark haired tanned Cupid. ‘Dafydd’ she mouths, ‘He’s Welsh.’



‘Sven, Swedish.’ I mouth back.



Severus Snape appears to be suffering a mild heart attack. ‘Having some fun?’ he hisses at Hooch. ‘I hardly think it’s a suitable example to be setting to the students.’



Hooch raises an eyebrow. ‘Lighten up Sev. Its Valentines Day. Personally I think it’s a perfect example to be setting. Far more appropriate than that!’





She gestures across Hall to where Albus is now performing impromptu pole dance for Minerva, who looks delighted. Can only presume punch has been spiked for a second year running. It would certainly explain why there is a group of Hufflepuff fourth years passed out under one of the tables surrounded by plastic cups. One is half attempting to sing ‘Auld Lang Sane’ two months too late.



Severus sucks in his cheeks, I can tell he is preparing a vitriolic attack on myself and Hooch.



‘You are both supposed to be chaperones! Looking after the vile sproglets we are paid to stop from killing each other for seven years until they can be passed off as intelligent enough to function in society. Not groping half naked gigolos!’



‘Jealous?’ Hoochie purrs, stroking Dafydd’s thigh suggestively.



‘NO!’ Snape roars in tone that might suggest he is. He adopts a calmer tone, but still filled with hatred. ‘Perhaps though, it would be wise to stop the little brats from doing such things as this to each other.’



He drags forward a Slytherin third year that I recognise from fighting earlier. The boy now has a rather large biscuit shaped like a Gryffindor lion protruding from his left nostril.



I get the giggles. I can’t help it. ‘Five points to Gryffindor,’ I manage to gasp out.



Oh dear. I don’t think Severus is too pleased with me. At all.



Suspicion is right when he grabs me and pulls me (I should be so lucky) into the Entrance Hall.



Throwing caution to the wind, I murmur coquettishly, ‘Oh, Severus, darling, if you wanted to get me alone, you only had to ask.’



‘Believe me, Miss Granger,’ he spits. ‘Being alone with you is the last thing I want.’



Toss hair over shoulder as haughtily I can manage despite lump forming in throat and urge to thump him into the middle of next week rising everywhere else. ‘So why did you bring me here?’



‘I simply thought to remind you that part of our ‘punishment’’ he drawls the word in the most delicious way bringing to mind all sorts of things… Oh yes Professor Snape, I believe I need a very hard spanking right now, shall we retire to your classroom immediately?... ‘Is that we remain together for the evening. However, I have a suggestion that I am sure is agreeable to both of us.’



Does itolveolve you, me, and a family sized tub of salad cream? Because I would certainly be agreeable then…



‘And that is?’ Good, Hermione, ice maiden extraordinaire…



‘That we simply avoid each other all evening. As long as both of us are present, I can’t imagine why we have to endure each other’s company.’



Because I would simply love to take your long, hard, thick…ahem… I mean, I have my reasons… Just a thought.



I shrug, managing just about to get thoughts of Severus Snape’s willy out of my head. ‘Fine with me.’



‘Good.’



‘Good.’



We glare at each other, although it’s a close thing that I don’t attempt to climb his body and refuse to ever let go, and then we both storm in the opposite direction.



OOOOOWWWWW! Fuck me that hurt.



Appear to be sitting on floor leaning against Snape, my left hand caught painfully behind my back. Head feels as if I have connected with large brick wall.



‘What the fuck?’ I rage.



‘Not quite how I would put it, but the sentiment is there…’ Severus mutters, staggering to his feet. Find myself being yanked up by my wrist. Is most painful.



‘Watch it,’ I mutter. Must check to see if have fallen out of top… damn Chloe and Gin Nop Nope breasts are in place. However there is something else included in my outfit that wasn’t there.



What the hell is that????? Severus is going a rather interesting puce colour…



‘ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!!!’ he roars.



Once I have regained my hearing, I am beginning to understand Severus’s rage. ‘A binding charm?’ I ask stupidly, staring at the slinky silver smoke that is wrapped around my wrist, before streaming off to entwine itself around Severus’s right wrist.



‘No, Miss Granger, it’s a charm to make kitten’s tails curly! Of course it’s a sodding binding charm!’



Hmm. Have never heard Severus swear before… is most… stimulating, and well, downright dirty… lick lips involuntarily…



‘You called?’



To my surprise a current of magic has broken off, and is forming itself into a delicate presentation of Albus’s head, complete with long trailing beard.



‘Get this thing off us!’ Severus is attempting to attack binds with his wand, quite awkward as he appears to be right handed. Beginning to feel quite insulted that he’s in such an urgent hurry to remove himself from me. And there was me thinking he was a gentleman…



‘Impossible, I’m afraid, Severus,’ Albus chuckles. ‘I set the charm to be activated if ei of of you attempted to break the terms of the punishment. It appears you did, so you know how to live with the consequences. Now if you don’t mind… Min is most impatient I get back to her…’



Argh. I never want to see Albus leer again… that wink should be banned!



‘But wait!’ Severus is close to panicking, is obviously new situation for him. ‘How long is the spell active for?’



Albus has even managed to make Smoke Albus twinkle. Damn him. Am sure he could put his powers to better use. Perhaps we would have won the war quicker if he had. My my, you are in a sullen mood right now, ‘Mione.



‘When you learn to work together, of course. Now if you don’t mind…’



Smoke Albus disappears in literal puff of smoke.



‘No.’ I suddenly find myself protesting. ‘No, no, no, no, no!’



‘I’m not exactly thrilled myself,’ Snape sneers.



Glare at him. This is really going to screw up things with Sven. Although a threesome is always a possibility…



No! You will stop thinking like that. You’ll over excite yourself. Need to get out of here. Now. Start dragging Severus towards door. Is most difficult when you are attached to someone and they are reluctant to follow. Bugger. Metaphor for my life really.



‘Where are you going, Miss Granger?’



‘Out.’



‘Yes. I am aware of that, since you are dragging me out of the front doors.’



Fine, be a sarcastic fuckwit for all I care. ‘I need some fresh air. You can follow, or I can drag you. Your choice.’



Am surprisingly strong when I want to be. Or maybe am just stubborn. Probably latter combined with foul temper. He appears to give in, and follows me out. Well, well, miracles will happen.



We stomp around in the dark for what feels like an eternity. I’m cold, its cold, but I refuse to admit it was a stupid idea to go out side. Hmm. Appear to be somewhere down by the lake. Am shivering violently, but still carry on, listening to occasional quiet complaints from behind me. Its all his fault anyway. If he hadn’t suggested we ignored each other this would never have happened. No, and if he’d just shagged me silly in my seventh year like I tried to tempt him to, none of this wouldn’t have happened. Hate my life, hate Dumbledore, hate Snape.



‘I’m not going any further.’ He suddenly declares. ‘I want to go back.’



‘Well, I don’t want to.’ Can actually feel lower lip sticking out like small child.



‘I’ve followed you this far, you insolent wretch, the least we can do is head back inside, before my balls freeze off.’



Oh dear gods, Severus mentioned his testicles. To me. Can feel colour rushing up mnd and am tempted to offer ways of warming them up, but am still in foul mood.



‘Just a bit further. I don’t really want to rush back to the Great Hall yet to live through another humiliating chapter of my life. Am sure this will go down in ‘Hogwarts: A History’ – the night Hermione Granger was bound to the Potion Master, who’ head is so far up his own crack he can lick his own tonsils!’



Temperature suddenly drops a few degrees.



‘What did you say?’ Severus whispers.

‘Y
‘You heard me!’ Well, if he is ice, I’m going to be fire. Am spitting with rage. ‘You are a conceited, arrogant, vengeful, spiteful wanker of a bastard who’s greatest pleasure is making my life hell! So kindly fuck off and leave me to wallow in my own humiliation… no… wait… you can’t because you’re fucking well attached to me, you bastard!’



I think that was the point I kicked him in the shin.



I’m not sure who pulled in what direction first. I kind of tugged one way, he the other, and I’m not sure who overbalanced whom, but next moment the sky was tilted at a strange angle, I saw a fantastic view of Snape’s arse in a tight fitting pair of black trousers as his robes billowed and there was an almighty splash…



And all was very cold and very wet.



We appeared to have fallen in the lake…



*



A/N: Sorry, long chapter with not a lot happening, but setting up for the final one… see you at the party…mwahahahahaha.