Harry Potter and the Unauthorized Biography
Harry Potter and the Unauthorized Biography
TITLE: Harry Potter and the Unauthorized Biography. 1/5
Author: SheilaB
Email:
freerose28@hotmail.comRated:NC17NC17
Pairings: Draco/Harry, Draco/Pansy, Harry/Colin, Draco/Mundungus , Draco/Stubby Boardman, Harry/Stubby Boardman, Sirius Black/Stubby Boardman
Other Characters: Ginny, Gilderory Lockhart.
Summary: VERY AU. Ten years from today, journalist Colin Creevey is dispatched to find out what happened to controversial rock superstar Draco Malfoy. In the process he learns some surprising things, and uncovers some painful memories of his own. Featuring Femmy!Draco, Angry! Harry, and Jealous Fag Hag! Pansy.
Categories: Humor, Parody, AU
Feedback : Fan fiction is a prostitute, It should be tarted up! The writing is the mask, while I in my chiffon and taff.. well.. want feedback really badly.
Disclaimer : Although the following is a work of fiction, it should nevertheless be played at MAXIMUM VOLUME.
(other notes to follow at the end)
A parody of Velvet Goldmine, if you haven\'t figured that out yet.
This is written as a movie script.
***
BLACKNESS. A few stars are seen as we PAN DOWN.
FEMALE NARRATOR VoicVoiceover, British)
I amar prestar aen…
The world is changed.
Han mathon ne nen…
I feel it in the water.
Han mathon ne chae…
I feel it in the earth.
A han noston ned gwilith.
I smell it in the air.
Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it. It began with the forging of the great rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of Men who above all else, desire power. For within these rings, was bound the strength and will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made-
Oh! Wrong script. Ahem.
Histories, like ancient ruins, are the fictions of empires. While everything forgotten hangs in dark dreams of the past, ever threatening to return.
EXT: NIGHT , 1980. Sad mists of music as we descend, music building. A falling star shoots across the sky and explodes in lavender sparks. Purple mists clear to reveal the rooftops of Surrey.
A luminous flying motorbike is just making its ascent, leaving a trail of pink smoke. In one grand WOOSH, the bike disappears into the night.
EXT: DURSLEY RESIDENCE, 1980.
We descend upon a street lit with old-fashioned lamps. A light appears in the lower window of one building. Its door opens and Petunia steps out. She discovers a small bundle at her feet. It is a baby.
The baby has a lightening scar on his forehead and a tiny emerald pin clipped to his blanket.
EXT: HOGWARTS GROUNDS, DAY, 1969.
SUBTITLE: 11years earlier…
The camera soars over schoolboys fighting in a crowd. 11 year old Stubby Boardman is being pushed around by his classmates as others circle around. The bell rings and they all run away, leaving Stubby face down in the yard.
In CLOSE UP Stubby lifts his head and looks around. He examines his skinned knuckles and notices something shiny in the dirt. He digs between them and loosens two small objects. Rubbing off the dirt he reveals a set of emerald earrings.
FEMALE NARRATOR
Childhood, adults always say, is the happiest time in life. But as long as he could remember, Stubby Boardman knew better.
INT MIRROR OF ERISED ROOM. STUBBY IS ALONE.
Very CLOSE on Stubby\'s face as he walks through the dark. He puts on the earrings and looks up into the mirror. In the mirror, he sees himself as a grown man in full Glam rock costume. People are screaming his name with feverish joy.
Until mys mysterious day when Stubby would discover that there were others like him, singled out for a great oifu. And some day.. the whole stinking world would be theirs!
Jubilant guitars. ( \"This is the opening song\" featuring a Brian Eno like singer). ZOOM IN, MAD CUT!
EXT: LONDON STREET, 2003.
Plaaacebooo
A song by Plaaaceboooo
But not really, it\'s just
Brian Eeeenoooo
Makes no sense
Purple fence
This opening song
Is just so wrong, wrong, wrong
COLIN is running and turns to look behind him as STUBBY BOARDMAN passes by. Boardman is wearing a long black coat and floppy brimmed hat.
COLIN
HEY!, It\'s Stubby Boardman! Hey, guys, look! Colin promptly trips over his own feet and goes down with a crash.
Potter slash
Made a splash
This is Harry/Draco
You\'ve been warned you know,oh, oh
Faces are crammed in front of a window as the kids hurriedly check their makeup and fix their hair. Soemone has scribbled on the window in lipstick \"LAST MIRROR BEFORE RIDDLE\"
Why ask why
You\'ll like it if you give it a try
We\'re not sick pervs
You just need to open your mind
INT: DRACO\'S DRESSING ROOM. SAME EVENING.
DRACO is playing Wizard Chess by himself as the footage of the concert goers flashes by on the TV set. He looks serious and focussed.
A YOUNG WOMAN is walking around him, spraying his hair with glitter. Draco\'s hair is pink and spiked. We know this girl, but she is unrecognizable in her wild hair, makeup and crazy clothing.
A MAN pops his head in the door.
MAN
Draco, time.
Draco stands. The girl brushes liff hff his costume. He walks down a dark corridor toward a lighted stage. We nearly feel the anticipation of the audience as the screaming grows louder. The girl fixes a pair of white angel wings to Draco\'s back and watches him nervously as he strides confidently onto the stage.
ANNOUNCER
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! The Llewellyn Theater in cooperation with Magical Music is proud to present…
On stage, large fans are being turned on as stagehands begin blowing white feathers into the air. The roar of the audience builds. A crowd swarms in front of the stage. Colin is carried away from his friends and he looks back anxiously, spotting someone in the aisle. A dark figure in a floppy hat is slipping through the darkness toward the stage.
Straight back from their fantastically successful European Tour… DRAGON RIDDLE AND VEELAS OF VENUS!
Applause as the band breaks into The Ballad of Dragon Riddle. On stage, Draco walks forward and faces the crowd. Blue lights reflect off his glitter.
Brief shots in slow motion..
Colin sees the man in black pulling out his wand..
Colin\'s eyes grow wide.
MAN
Aveda KEDAVRA!
DISSOLVE TO
Daily Prophet headline
DRACO MALFOY ASSASINATED ON STAGE!
EXT: COLIN\'S HOUSE. He is looking up at the sky as the paper dangles from one hand. The plaintive notes of \"Tonight and the Rest of My Life \" begin.
EXT: Montage of faces… three young punks looking up at the sky with open mouths. NYC drag queens squinting into the sun, Four girls, each one in a tie from a Hogwarts house, eyes closed.
As we hear.. \"Tonight and the Rest of My Life\"
NARRATOR
For once, there was an unknown land, full of strange flowers and subtle perfumes. A land of which it is joy of all joys to dream, a land where all things are perfect and poisonous..
INT: LONDON CONCERT HALL, STAGE, NIGHT. 200.
As the song\'s intro comes to an end, we descend, landing on..
A CLOSE UP of Draco, wearing a set of electric blue robes with glowing stars all over them. Underneath he wears a matching skintight suit. His hair is blond but with blue highlights. He starts to sing.
Down to the earth I fell,
With dripping wings
Heavy things won\'t fly
As he sings, we are treated to a cheesy news broadcast in which a badly out of touch reporter tries to get some answers from people off the street.
An old witch and her middle aged son stand in front of Gringott\'s Bank.
REPORTER
Is Diagon Alley not shocked?
OLD WOMAN
It\'s improving.
MIDDLE AGED WIZARD
It\'s a disgrace. Parading around all made up like a pack of bleedin Veelas!
An outrageously dressed teen waves at the camera.
A CLIP from a video of Draco\'s He is floating in a starry sky, holding hands with another boy. They land on the moon and kiss.
And the sky might catch on fire
And burn the axis of the world
That\'s why
I prefer a sunless sky
To the glittering and stinging in my eyes
REPORTER is talking to a young man and his girlfriend outside on a street.
So, you\'re saying you\'re bisexual?
YOUNG MAN
Sure.. boys, girls, they\'re all good. There\'s no difference, is there.. Mr. WWN.
Blaise, Draco\'s lead guitarist is being interviewed in front of a small crowd of screaming fans.
BLA/P>
/P>
Rock music has always been a reaction against accepted standards. And homosexuality has been going on for centuries.. A LOT of famous wizards have been bi, Draco is very open about that and I just think that\'s really cool, which is like, why I\'m in his band, you know?
A GROWN UP HARRY POTTER is interviewed.
HARRY
People are just sheep, ok? They all wanna be gay because some singer has decided he wants to pretend to be gay. I think it\'s really stupid, it\'s not funny at all. It\'s meaningless to say \"Everyone is bisexual\", that just don\'t make any sense and I think it\'s something they say to make themselves feel better.
A BRIGHT PINK CARD is held up. It says
\" A/N! A/N! THIS IS WHAT WE CALL SUBTEXT. HARRY IS ACTUALLY GAY BUT HE WON\'T ADMIT IT BECAUSE OF SOCIETY! \"
INT: TUBE, LONDON, 2010.
COLIN is walking down the steps through a blueish twighlight. A packed car flickers in and out of the darkness. We hear a child\'s voice.
\"Yesterday, upon the stair
I met a man who wasn\'t there\"
A small Muggle child is sitting there, staring blankly at Colin.
\"He wasn\'t there again today
How I wish he\'d go away\"
CHILD\"S MOTHER
Honey, what did Dr. Maxfield tell you about making up weird poetry?
CHILD (sulkily)
Stop doing it. But Mummy, I saw a wizard, really!
MALE VOICE
Draco Malfoy? Oh yes
Briefly
INT: BEDROOM, DAY, 2000.
Two men having sex in morning light. One is Draco.
FAST CUT!
INT: HOSPITAL, DAY, 2010.
CLOSE ON Mundungus Fletcher . He is in a sort of floating chair, issued by St. Mungos to their crippled patients. He was Draco\'s first manager.
FLETCHER
Quite well.
Colin sits across from him with a notepad
Like nothing I\'d seen before.
And in the end…
Still like nothing I\'d seen before.
INT: DRACO\'S BEDROOM, WILTSHIRE, DAY, 1986
SLOW TRACK past the face of a six year old boy, gelling back his blond hair with serious concentration.
His name was Draco Lucius Phineas Orion Malfoy and his father was a high up member of the MoM and a servant of He Who Must Not Be Named. Being the spoiled, empty headed brat he was, Draco had no interest in either of these things and his life changed the year he was invited to spend the summer with his aunt, a figure of some ill repute in the Black family. She married a Muggle and took up with him in the Muggle world.
A vaudeville style music hall. Dingy and on its last legs. Draco is sitting in the balcony, watching with interest. A transvestite singer is performing a song. (Terry Pratchett\'s The Hedgehog Song\")
\"Old Noah was mucking the Ark out one day
when he heard a great shriek from the neighboring stall.
Said he to poor Ham, who was hugging his loins,
\"Ah, the hedgehog, my boy, can\'t be buggered at all.\"
Roll them all over and turn them around,
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
*
The sheep is a classic, as well you may find,the llama\'s all right if he isn\'t too tall,
the donkey\'s a danger for standing behind,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
You may pounce on the cat as he walks by his lone,
the mole has a hole into which you can crawl,
you must blindfold the basilisk or turn into stone,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. \"
INT: BACKSTAGE, MUSIC HALL. NIGHT. 1986.
Draco is wandering up some stairs to find his Aunt Andromeda. He spots a dressing room door,partially open. Cautiously, he peers through the crack.
Inside is the entire Order of the Phoenix, heavily snockered and playing Twister in drag.
Draco stares.
WILD SWISH PAN!
INT: MALFOY SITTING ROOM, EVENING 1986.
With a bang, Draco (age six) slides into the frame. He is dressed in a pink dress and go go boots. He\'s wearing a purple wig on his head and he\'s holding a fake microphone. He sings \"Karma Chameleon\" complete with a provocative little dance. When he finishes breathlessly, he looks at his family.
LUCIUS, NARCISSA and SEVERUS are sitting on the couch opposite. They just stare at him.
LUCIUS
Go to your room.