Discovering Yourself

Title: Discovering Yourself
Author: Gypsy Lupin-Black
Disclaimer: No own, no money, no sue.
A/N: I know, I know, it’s not slash here... don’t worry. Eventually it will be. . This will be an AU fic

Chapter One: It All Comes Crashing Down

Sirius Black lay sprawled on his battered second-hand couch in his battered second-hand flat, watching the telly and drinking a bottle of butterbeer. He was done with Hogwarts, he had a job as a bartender at a little (but prospering) pub in Wales, and he was hopelessly in love. Life was good. Especially when his girlfriend just opened the door of their flat after her day at work. She was carrying bags of groceries, and, without being told, Sirius got up to help her.

Loren smiled gratefully as Sirius pulled the bags away from her. He put them in the kitchen while she kicked off her shoes and sat on the still warm couch. Sirius was back a moment later, flopping down beside her and giving her a kiss.

“Long day?” he asked, handing her a cold butterbeer he’d pulled from the fridge. She nodded, strands of her long brown hair that had worked their way out of her bun falling around her face. Sirius left them there, he loved the way she looked with the stray wisps framing her elegant face.

“The Department was really crowded today. There was some fiasco with the Saudi ministry wanting the ban lifted on flying carpets so they could sell them here, and when they got a no, they took the complaint to us. The whole Department was talking about it today. The Saudi ambassador was there all day. If I manage to lay an ambassador job, I do not want to go East.” Loren sighed. Sirius nodded sympathetically, though he silently admitted to himself that he hoped she didn’t land an ambassador position in the Department of International Magical Relations because that would mean moving, or a long distance relationship. Both were unappealing, because Sirius had no desire to move West, and he knew Loren wouldn’t want to try a long distance relationship. Still, if it would make her happy... Sirius knew he’d do anything for her, even if it meant moving as far west as the United States of America, which is where she had her heart set on going.

He hugged her, then asked if she’d like him to get take out. She nodded, picking up the telly remote and changing the channel. Sirius stood and put his shoes on without bothering with socks. He grabbed his leather jacket and flat keys, grinned at her, and told her he’d be back in twenty minutes. Sirius jogged down the stairs and pushed through the door and out into late afternoon London.

He walked sedately down the sidewalk, hands in his pockets, looking into the windows of the closing shops. He took his dear sweet time getting to the take out Chinese place two blocks from their flat, so he knew he was going to be longer than twenty minutes. He shrugged it off as he entered the restaurant. She knew him. It always took him longer than he said it would for him to do anything. This applied to everything from homework when they were to school to him showing up to a meeting for anything. It had gotten so that if any of Sirius’ friends were late to anything they’d say they were ‘pulling a Padfoot.’ This even went so far as to mean that Sirius was constantly late for work (but never too late), but he was the best bartender they had, so no one complained too loudly.

Sirius ordered and then sat down at an empty two-seater table to wait. He sat there serenely, just people watching. It was one of his favorite things to do. He remembered sitting with Loren many times in public places and making up stories about the people who passed by. It was a tradition of theirs whenever they ate out, or were out together at all. Sirius smiled to himself, watching a father wipe his baby son’s mouth. Sirius looked around, but didn’t see a mother anywhere. He wondered what had happened in that man’s life, that hand landed him with a baby in a Chinese restaurant here on this day in 1979. Sirius watched them some more. The kid seemed rather well mannered. The father watched him pick up noodles and put them in his mouth with a kind of amused affection. That kid is going to grow up very lucky, having a father like that, Sirius decided.

Sirius’ own father, while kind, was a pushover. Sirius’ mother lorded over the family, and Solarus never really stood a chance. Sirius had often wondered what Fate had had in mind, putting those two together. He’d asked his father once what he had been thinking when he married Julia Sparrow. Solarus had just smiled, almost wistfully, and changed the subject. Sirius knew now that it had been arranged. The Sparrows and Blacks, both of the Fourteen Families, were powerful, rich, and had not seen a muggle or a lower class witch or wizard marry into the family in for five or so generations (there were, of course, exceptions, but those wayward children were not spoken of).

Sirius smiled. It seemed his generation had turned out more rebels than conformist pure-blood maniacs. Of course, it was the seventies, after all. Out of Sirius many cousins, he could count on two hands the ones that turned out ‘well’ in the family’s eyes. The rest... well, they were either disowned or just not spoken of. Sirius was one of the latter. He knew his mother was hoping it wouldn’t work out between him and Loren, and that he would come back to the family, so that she could set him up with some nice Malfoy or Yarrith girl. Wouldn’t the Black family get a nasty shock when they found out that Sirius was planning to buy a ring and ask Loren to marry him soon? Sirius smirked.

The man behind the counter called Sirius’ order, and he got up, paid, took the brown bags, and walked out. The air outside was cooler, and clouds were building overhead. The heat from the bags warmed Sirius’ hands as he walked home, slightly faster than he had come, because he didn’t want to get caught in the rain with their dinner.

Taking the stairs two at a time, he was back at the flat door forty minutes after he’d left. Biting the top of one of the paper bags, he pulled his keys out of his pocket with his now free hand and unlocked the door. Loren was asleep on the couch, the telly flashing a news show. Sirius kicked the door closed, the bag still in his mouth and leaving his shoes on, he walked over to Loren and leaned down. She stirred and woke when he pressed the warm bottom of the bag against her cheek.

“That smells good.” She said, pushing him back and sitting up. She yawned and looked up at him, a bemused smile curving her lips. Sirius stood over her, the bag still in his mouth, a testament to his alter life as Padfoot. He grinned at her around the sack, then took it out of his mouth and set it and the one still in his left hand on the low table in front of the couch.

“Dinner is served.” He said. He made a quick run to the kitchen to grab forks and drinks, then was back. Loren had the carry out containers out of the brown paper and open. The smell of Chinese food filled the flat, and Sirius inhaled deeply. He handed her a fork and sat beside her, putting down their drinks and digging in.

Sometime later, Sirius looked up at the wizard clock James’ mother had given them when he and Loren had got the flat. It was ‘bedtime,’ and Sirius was very glad he didn’t have work today. Loren’s nap while he’d gone to get dinner had put her in a rather... good... mood. While Loren washed up the dishes Sirius had made during the day, Sirius leaned on the door jam of the kitchen and watched her. Loren knew he was watching her, too. She flirted with him with her body while she did the dishes, turning to grin slyly at him occasionally. Finally, she could drag it out no longer. She was done in the kitchen, and she walked over to her boyfriend and kissed him. Sirius responded, his arms going around her waist and pressing himself against her. She could feel his erection against her stomach, and she wound her arms around his neck. Oh yes, Sirius thought. He was very happy not to have work tonight.

The next morning, Sirius woke up when Loren’s alarm went off, as usual, and watched Loren hit her alarm, as usual. He watched her drag herself out of bed and pull clothes out of her closet, as usual. As usual, he watched her head for the bathroom and a shower. As the shower started to run, Sirius decided that today would be the day. He was going to buy her a ring. He’d get it on his way to work, then ask her that night when they were both home.

Sirius yawned rubbed his face with his hands, and turned over. He didn’t have to be up for hours yet, and they’d had a late night. He closed his eyes, smiling at the half-dream of that evening. Him coming home, her on the couch, papers from work spread out on the table before her, her hair held up with a pencil as she wrote some report. He’d sit down beside her and watch her for a while, letting her finish whatever thought she was currently writing out. When she finally would put down her quill and turn to him, he’d have the ring box out and open already. He’d smile at her and ask—

Sirius’ eyes opened as Loren came back in, hair wet, wearing a towel. She’d forgotten a bra. Noticing him watching her, she smiled at him and sat down on the bed beside him.

“Good morning, love.” She said, kissing him. He smiled at her.

“Good morning. Is this gonna be another long day?” he asked. She shook her head, stray drips of cool water falling on Sirius’ arm and chest.

“I don’t think so. I wont know until I get there, of course. What shift do you work today?”

“I start at four. I wont be off until twelve. Will you be up?” their conversation was making Sirius brain work more than he wanted it to this early. He didn’t think he’d be able to get back asleep after she left.

“Maybe.” She smiled, kissed him again, then went back to the bathroom.

Sirius didn’t hear her leave. He was back asleep by that time. By the time he woke up again, it was noon. He sighed, stretched, took his own shower, and ate lunch, which consisted of leftovers from the night before. While eating, Sirius noticed the light on the answering machine was blinking. He and Loren had never really figured out how to work that, and the phone was still a little beyond Sirius, so they kept the ring volume way down and didn’t often answer the phone. Whenever they did get calls, it was usually telemarketers anyway. Sirius didn’t bother with it. If it was one of his mates, they would have owled him. Loren would figure it out later.

After lunch, Sirius put on his shoes (with socks, this time), got his jacket and his keys and left the flat. The Black Bitch needed gas, and then he had a ring to buy. Sirius’ pride and joy waited in the garage; a black motorbike he’d gotten on his seventeenth birthday from his cousin Jordan. Jordan was the son of Solarus’ twin brother, Rigel. Though six years older than Sirius, the two got on well. Jordan agreed with Sirius about his mum, and, while Jordan Black followed the family tradition and had been a Slytherin, he was rather good natured.

The Black Bitch started with a happy roar, and Sirius left the flat far behind. He ended up going through six jeweler’s shops before he found a ring that would do. It was silver, with three small, elegant diamonds in the band. Sirius had an engraving put on the inside that read; ‘star-struck, always.’ The jeweler he ended up buying it from was a wizard, so the ring came with shine and maintenance spells put on it already. That ring would outlive either one of them, still glinting happily long after their children’s children’s children were gone from the world. Sirius payed the exorbitant price without so much as a flinch and walked out of there with the black velvet box in his pocket, a very happy man.

Sirius arrived at Kolester’s Pub ten minutes late for his shift, as usual (it was just a good thing that the Black Bitch could fly and had a good invisibility booster). Sayrah hardly looked up from the glass she was polishing as he came in. “I see you finally decided to show up,” she said, putting the glass down and picking up a new one. Sirius grinned and nodded at one of the regulars as he walked around behind the bar.

“Yeah, well, you know me. That, and I just spent the last two hours looking for a ring.” Sirius told her, shrugging off his jacket and hanging it up in the back. Sayrah looked up then, her black bangs falling into her eyes and a smile on her face. She’d gotten her hair cut short, Sirius noted.

“So you’re finally gonna ask that girl to marry you. Lucky bird, that one is.” Sirius nodded happily and joined her in polishing glasses. The pub was still rather empty, but Sirius knew it would pick up later, after the fishing boats got in for the evening. The regular at the bar signaled for another, and Sirius poured him another glass of Guinness.

“I got it covered here if you got other stuff ta do, Sayrah.” Sirius told her. “By the way, I like your hair.”

She smiled. “Thanks. You should think of getting yours cut sometime, ya know.”

Sirius’ mouth fell open. “You don’t like me hair?” he asked, fingering the shoulder length black waves. She laughed.

“No, I love your hair, but you’re gonna be a married man, now. No more wild parties with yer mates. You’re gonna have to trade in the Bitch for a car so you can haul around kids. Long hair is not a feature of a married man,” she teased. Sirius rolled his eyes.

“We’ll see about that.” He told her. She smiled at him again and headed for the back room.

Sirius got home at almost one in the morning. He was sure Loren would no longer be up, so he drove the Black Bitch all the way into the garage with the invisibility booster and silencing charms on and snuck up the stairs and inside. He noted on his way up that the light was still on, but he figured she’d left it on for him. He smiled, fully intending to wake her up with kisses and give her the ring.

As soon as he’d gotten inside, however, he knew something was wrong. Loren sat on the couch, staring at a memo she’d obviously gotten at work. She was smiling slightly, but her eyes were sorrowful. She looked up when Sirius came in, and he could tell she’d been crying. Alarmed, he hurried over and sat down beside her.

“Loren, what happened?” he asked, touching her face gently.

“I... I got the position.” She replied.

Sirius was momentarily confused, until he remembered she was in the running for an ambassador job. Suddenly, it felt like he was imploding. She handed him the memo, and Sirius took it with a shaking hand. ‘Ms. Durden, we are pleased to inform you that you are the new ambassador to the United States Ministry of Magic,’ was all Sirius managed to get through before Loren took the memo back and looked at it again, as if afraid the words might change.

“I leave for America next week, Sirius,” she said. She looked miserably at him. “I know you don’t want to live in America, and I’m not going to make you go. Actually, I ask that you don’t. If you come with me, you wont be happy.”

Sirius felt like he was sliding down a steep slope full of rocks. With every word Loren spoke, Sirius felt like he was smashing into a rock and bouncing off down the slope to meet another rock. His ribs hurt. It felt like his lungs had collapsed. His brain had frozen, and he couldn’t speak.

“This is the opportunity I’ve been working for, Sirius. I can't turn it down. Please understand.” She watched him, her worry deepening when his expression didn’t change. He looked like he’d been hit between the eyes with a bludger. “I’ll be staying with Jenny until I leave. My stuff has already been moved.”

“Loren...” Sirius finally managed to speak, but then words failed him again. Just like that, all his dreams were shattered. She was going to her sisters for the next week, then she would be in America. They were over. Old news. She would take that job over their lives together. Sirius felt like an old shoe, to be thrown out when outgrown and replaced. He stared at her, and his crushed gaze was too much for her.

“Goodbye, Sirius. I’m sorry...” she sobbed, one hand covering her mouth. Unable to stay any longer, she fled out the door, and Sirius heard the pop as she Apparated out of the hall.

Sirius sat where Loren had left him for the next half hour. Then he numbly got to his feet and walked out the door. He didn’t bother locking it. He didn’t bother getting the Black Bitch out. He just walked. It was raining, but he didn’t care. He Apparated once to get out of the city, but other than that, he just walked. When he finally looked up, he was outside James and Lily’s house. He looked at his watch. Four in the morning. Sirius was soaked, even with the leather jacket. He didn’t want to wake James and Lily up. He just went though the gate and sat on their porch steps, watching the rain fall. Sometime later he transformed into Padfoot and curled up on the top step, out of the rain. The flower garden Lily kept in the front yard had lost all color to the rainy night, and Sirius just stared at it desolately.

James found him there the next morning on his way to work. He was late actually, so he didn’t see the black dog on his steps until he nearly tripped over him. “Padfoot!” he exclaimed, regaining his balance. “What are you doing here?”

Padfoot looked up at him. James became even more worried when he didn’t even get a tail thump of greeting. His best mate just lay there, staring up at him. Finally, the grim dog stood up and walked down the steps and to the gate, where he reared up on his hind legs and pushed the latch with his front paw. He walked through the gate, then stopped and looked back over his shoulder, waiting for James to follow him.

James did so, and the two walked in silence toward the city. Finally, James reached down, grabbed Padfoot by the nape of his neck, and Apparated them closer to central London. Man and Dog then continued walking toward the Ministry. James was very worried about his friend by the time they arrived at the phone booth entrance. Padfoot had walked the whole way there with his head down, his ears drooped, and his tail limp.

“You’re not ready to talk about it, are you?” James asked him. Padfoot looked up briefly at him, then sighed. James rubbed the dog’s head and scratched him behind the ears for a moment. “When you’re ready, I’m here, mate. Do you want me to come over tonight after Training?” the dog shook his head. “Oh. You work tonight?” the dog nodded. James was used enough to talking to Padfoot that it didn’t feel strange. “Well, come over for dinner on your next day off, ok?” The dog nodded again, and James petted him one last time.

“I’ll see you, mate. Okay?” Padfoot just watched him with miserable brown eyes. James felt like an ass for leaving him there, but he didn’t really have a choice. Moody would already be there, and the problem with having Mad-Eye Moody as your Auror Mentor was that you had to be on time or else. James hesitated another moment, then went into the phone booth and dialed the code. When he next looked back for Padfoot, the dog had gone.

Sirius finally showed up back at his flat around noon. He’d gone all the way there from central London as Padfoot, and frankly, he wouldn’t have cared if animal control had picked him up as a stray. It had happened before, and Loren or one of the other Marauders had had to come and bail him out of doggy jail. He had to transform when he got to his door so that he could open it. The flat was untouched, despite spending the night unlocked. Sirius toed off his shoes, then rummaged around in his jacket pockets for his keys. His hand closed instead on a little velvet box.

Sirius froze, feeling the box in his hand. Slowly, he pulled it out of his pocket and stared at it. He opened it up and looked at the ring. He pulled the ring out and looked at the inscription. Star-struck, always. He put the ring back in, then stood there, staring at it in its box. Suddenly, it was like a dam burst. He snapped the box lid closed and hurled it with all his might. It hit a picture on the wall and broke the glass, sending a web of cracks spidering up, separating the graduating Marauders and their respective girlfriends. Picture James, Lily, Sirius, Loren, Peter, Katherine, and Remus dove away from the broken glass, then peeked back from out of the frame.

Throwing the ring box wasn’t enough for Sirius. He yelled and punched the wall, busting a hole through the sheetrock. Pain shot up his arm, but he didn’t care. He punched the wall again, blood blossoming out of his knuckles. He’d hit a stud that time, so though the plaster was cracked, nothing was broken. He stood there, chest heaving, staring at the mess he’d made of the wall and his fist, and he found he didn’t really care. He pulled the Firewhiskey down off its shelf in the kitchen and sat on the couch, drinking. He had work at four, he knew, and he should get cleaned up, but all he wanted to do right then was drink all of the three quarter full whiskey bottle, pass out on the couch, and never wake up.

Sirius woke up to an owl pecking at his nose. He groaned and swatted at it, rolling over on the—

WHUMP!

“Oww..” Sirius opened his eyes and rubbed his head where it had hit the table. “Bloody couch...” he mumbled, looking up at the offending piece of furniture. He was laying on something. He arched his back and pulled the empty whiskey bottle out from under him. Memories of last night came back to him, and he felt a headache start to throb.

The owl on the arm rest of the couch hooted impatiently. It had a letter tied to it’s leg. Sirius slowly pulled himself up and sat back down on the couch. The owl, determined not to be ignored, hopped into his lap and nipped at his fingers. Sirius untied the letter and opened it. It was from Sayrah.

‘Sirius, where the hell are you? You’re three hours late for work! Let me know if anything’s happened, ok? -Sayrah’

Sirius groaned and looked at his watch. It was indeed after seven. He didn’t bother to change his clothes, or fix his hair. He almost didn’t bother with his shoes. He remembered to lock the door of the flat, but he didn’t really feel it important. He didn’t bother with his motorbike. He just Apparated from the hall. He knew it was more dangerous the greater the distance one was Apparating, but frankly, he found he didn’t mind the idea of getting splinched.

He arrived in the back room of Kolester’s without incident. Sayrah poked her head through the door at the sound of the pop. “Oh, good, Sirius, you’re finally here. Get out here and help me. We have a busy night.”

Sirius through on one of the aprons and trudged out into the noisy pub. Two cruise ships had stopped off in the harbor, and adding the fishermen in just off the boats to those tourists, the place was packed. There was a live band playing some rather bouncy Celtic songs, and the whole atmosphere of the pub seemed upbeat. Sirius wanted to leave. He wasn’t sure if he could take it all that night.

Sayrah insisted that Sirius stay on until three o’clock closing time. The pub itself ran down around midnight, but the small inn always demanded attention. Sirius was polishing the bar when Sayrah clomped down the stairs, a basked full of dirty linen in her arms. She stood at the bottom of the stairs and watched Sirius wipe the counter. He polished slowly, his eyes unfocused. His mind had not been on the job all night. She walked over and set the linen basket down on the bar.

“Sirius, what’s wrong?” she asked. Sirius looked up at her as if startled by her sudden appearance. For the first time that night, Sayrah had the chance to look him over. “Why are you wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday?” His hair was rather messy too, though sometime during his shift he’d pulled it back in a sloppy tail.

“Because I didn’t bother to change.” Sirius snapped.

Sayrah realized what must have happened. “Did she say no?”

Sirius slammed the rag (and his fist) down onto the bar, making Sayrah jump. “I didn’t fucking ask her, alright?! Damnit, woman, get off my back!” He glared at her, chest heaving. Sayrah grabbed the basket and backed away, eyes wide. She’d never seen Sirius like this before.

A/N: More soon. Sorry, I know, no slash yet… just be patient! ^.^ Reviews=new chapters!