A Few More of Your Least Favourite Things

A FEW MORE OF YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS

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They ended up… well, “making love” isn’t exactly what I’m looking for
But you get the picture.

-PANIC! AT THE DISCO

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“You’re Harry’s cousin?”

Muscular, blond Dudley Dursley turned away from his window and found himself looking down at a freckled redhead. ‘What is she doing in my house?’ he thought first. Then: ‘She’s hot.’

She was petite but looked mighty in her stance, had perky little tits and was wearing a tight top and some plain brown trousers. Dudley usually liked tramps in short skirts, but this girl had a nice face and a cute figure, so he couldn’t complain.

He folded his bulky arms across his chess. “Yeah. And you?” The chick didn’t seem like she was doing anything—he’d give her the benefit of the doubt before he called the cops.

“I’m Ginny Weasley,” she said in a smooth tone, still staring at him calculatingly.

“That’s great,” Dudley replied, “but why are you in my house?”

She grinned. “Harry didn’t tell you?!” She giggled. “I thought he would have—“

“That explains it. He would have weirdos come to the house and not tell me—“

“I’m a weirdo?” the Ginny-girl asked, still smiling.

“You are if you know Harry. That’s all there is to it!” Dudley replied with a great shrug of his shoulders. “Anyway, of course he didn’t say anything about you—we never say anything to each other… Or, well, we do, but nothing like that—“

“He wanted to pick some of his things up here, and he was especially glad your mum and dad were gone—“

“He would be,” Dudley said. “So what are you doing here? And where is Harry?”

“You like to ask questions, don’t you?” she remarked, walking further into his room and looking around. “Mind if I come in?” she asked, poking a trophy on his dresser.

“Little late for that,” he said, feeling rigid.

“Harry didn’t say anything about you boxing! What is that, some big Muggle sport?”

“A what?”

“Oh yeah,” she said, biting her lip. “I mean, a non-magic sport?”

“Yeah,” Dudley responded. By age nineteen, he’d gotten to the point where magic didn’t affect or offend him as much as it used to. Harry was just Harry again. He came up behind her and pointed to the trophy in the middle. “I won this when I earned the highest title in the Southeast. That was when I was fifteen.”

“Well, put up your dukes, then!” she smiled, scrunching up her face and raising her fists.

Dudley couldn’t help himself—he grinned. “No, no, see, you can’t put your thumbs in your hand. You throw a hit, and your thumb’ll break, happened to a guy at my school—“

“Okay,” Ginny said huffily, but with a little smirk,” so how do I do it?”

“Here,” Dudley said and untucked her thumbs from inside her palms. “You just make a fist, with your thumb on the outside. Of course you’d have gloves, too—“

“All right, so can I hit you?”

“Go ahead.”

Ginny made the scrunched-up face again and pounded Dudley in the shoulder.

“Damn!” Dudley exclaimed. “I didn’t think you were really gonna hit me!”

“I have six brothers!” she explained. “Hitting isn’t a big deal. I’m sorry, Dudley. I guess I’m not making the best first impression.”

“Naw, it’s okay. It didn’t hurt at all,” he lied. He’d have to ice it later. “Six brothers, huh? I’m an only child.”

“Besides Harry,” Ginny said.

“Yeah, besides Harry,” Dudley said.

“What’s the deal with you two, anyway?”

“Deal?”

”Why do you hate each other? I mean, Harry didn’t say you were funny—“

“I’m funny?”

“In a sense,” she laughed. “But what I mean is, all Harry said was that you made his life a hell—and that…” She trailed off.

“What?”

She looked back at the trophies, smoothing the metal with her hands. “That you were… well, hefty.”

Dudley smiled at her discomfort. “You mean that I’m fat?”

“No!“ she protested. “You’re not fat—“

“Sure I am. It’s okay. I don’t care about it, always have been, always will be. The only difference between now and when I was a kid is that I do weights and shit,” he shrugged again, making sure to flex his biceps just a bit.

If the Ginny-girl noticed, she did a good job of hiding it. “Well, okay then, but what about you and Harry?”

“What do you mean, what about me and him? We’re cousins, we don’t get along, I think he’s annoying, he thinks I’m stupid.” Dudley snorted. “And fat.”

“I think you seem pretty nice, though,” Ginny told him flatly.

“Well, you seem okay yourself, so why are you friends with Harry?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know—he’s brilliant, really. Funny, nice—it’s too bad you can’t see eye to eye.”

“I don’t cry myself to sleep at night over it. Don’t worry.”

Ginny grinned again.

“You think… Harry’s brilliant?” asked Dudley slowly. “Why!?”

All she did was laugh at his skepticism of Harry’s brilliance, like it was the funniest thing she’d ever heard. Dudley stared at her mouth, which was red with lipstick.

“You one of those freaks?” Dudley burst out before he meant to. “I mean—magic people, or whatever, not like I give a fuck… but…?”

“Just checking?” she finished and grinned. “Yes, I’m one of those freaks.”

“Well, for your information, I’ve nothing against it,” said Dudley in a bold voice. “Y’know, I never did.” The last part was most definitely a lie, but he figured it was an okay lie.

“You didn’t?” Ginny asked with a grin, walking forward. “That’s not what Harry said!”

“He’s a liar,” Dudley said ironically. He stared hungrily at her thighs. He used to fuck all the time when he was fifteen. Being the little badass he used to be, he’d lived it up at the time… then, the Dementor had fucked up his brain and he’d spent his time changing his life around so he didn’t end up totally depressed. He’d had to keep himself occupied with porn for years now. Leaving Privet Drive had screwed him over. When he came back, none of the usual girls lived there. He had no one to show off to, no one to appreciate his new muscles. He’d only had a few fleeting fucks but nothing good—just quick frisks.

“He’s a bit difficult, yeah,” Ginny nodded. She giggled again.

Dudley strode forward and gave a massive shrug. “Since he’s off messing around I guess he wouldn’t mind.” If this Ginny-girl refused him, at least he’d have made a move. She was hot, and Dudley was sick of wanking off to get his satisfaction. He needed human contact—and fast!

He lowered his enormous, sculpted hands down to Ginny’s waist and bent his head. She looked a little startled at first, her brown eyes widened, but when Dudley pressed his firm lips against hers she did not push herself away. In fact, she pressed herself closer. ‘I’m kissing a witch. I’m kissing Harry’s friend,’ thought Dudley triumphantly. It felt good to take something else from Harry. Selfish, petulant and spoiled yes, but Dudley, though quite reformed, was the same bloke after all. Some things never quite changed, and there was something very exotic about messing around with his cousin’s red-haired little friend. Ginny snaked her arms up around his neck. She brought out one hand to stroke his square jaw as he kissed her deeper.

She broke out of the kiss. “Well,” she chortled sweetly,” it’s very nice to meet you, Dudley.”

Getting a surge of excitement at the sarcastic purr of her voice, he took her around the shoulders and led her, staggering, to his bed. He kissed her on the mouth again, parting her lips with his tongue and she leaned her back down onto the mattress, her auburn hair spreading out around her. He felt his dick beginning to harden within the confines of his khaki jeans.

Dudley bent over her, kissing her neck down to the buttons of her top. He fumbled with the clasps and unbuttoned it, pulling it down over her pert breasts. He lowered his face down into her cleavage and began to lick. Ginny let out a low moan and wrapped her legs around his waist. He lapped her nipples until they flexed upward to the touch of his tongue.

“Fuck it,” he got out pleasurably, feeling the blood rush to his cock. He stood back and undid his trousers, pulling the material down over his member that stood stiff through his boxers. Ginny pulled her own jeans down her small thighs, revealing black panties. That’s what Dudley liked—black, lace, red, anything but white, anything but pure, anything violent and fantastic and pornographic. God, he was in the wrong family when it came to his desires.

Ginny scooted backward on the bed, her tits bouncing a little bit, and she raised up her hands and pulled up her top. Dudley came faltering after her, his bulky arms taking their places on either side of Ginny. “You done this before?” he asked.

“Once or twice,” she laughed.

“Heh, okay, well, I’ve got condoms. You like playing it safe?”

“Dudley,” she began, raising her eyebrow,” I’m a witch. We don’t have to play it safe.”

He laughed aloud. “Magic has a point!” he exclaimed.

Ginny smiled in that hard way and leaned back on his pillows. “Why? Have you done this before?”

“Yeah, but it’s been too fucking long,” he put in quickly, reaching down and pulling her panties around her legs in a short tug. “You ready?”

“Try me,” she said, spreading her slender legs to the sides of him.

Dudley grabbed his cock out of his boxers and lowered himself down, directing it into her pussy and adjusting his hips, grinding down into her. She moaned at once and Dudley grinned—girls always seemed to enjoy Big D’s huge dick. Ginny might not have been a virgin, but she was tight and fit. She contorted her back as he raised his hips up and then down again, and began to thrust her. She panted, taking deep breaths in and out as Dudley went, slowly at first.

Then, he quickened the pace, moving his waist backward quickly and then coming in hard, pulling back, and then slamming her hard again. Ginny opened her mouth in pleasure, though succulent red lips in an ‘o.’ “Fuck,” Dudley said, working his dick in harder, the tip striking her in the centre, rubbing her there as she moaned and gripped his back. She gave a scream of enjoyment as he rubbed her deeper.

“Mm, Dudley,” she moaned. “Harder, fuck me—fuck me…”

He rode her strongly as she gripped his muscled arms, spreading up her legs and wrapping them around him.

With a grunt, Dudley ejaculated and Ginny reared back with a gasp of delight. He grinned complacently, pulling out his dripping cock and kissing her hard on the lips.

“Thanks for that,” he said lightly, smoothing her red hair.

She looked up at him with dark amusement. “I’m a witch, not a whore,” she laughed.

He smiled. “Whatever, it was fun. You—“

However, at that moment they heard the front door unlock downstairs. “Ginny!” called a voice. “You here? My cousin didn’t eat you, did he?”

“Oh honestly,” Ginny said, rolling her eyes, looking a bit annoyed, or bitter… or both as she put her panties and trousers back on. “No, Harry, I’ll be right down—“

“I didn’t, did I?” Dudley said in amusement,” ‘less you’d like me to—“

“Can’t,” she said quite sharply. “I have to go.”

“Why, if he’s just getting his shit you could spend an extra few minutes, he won’t mind, he can wait—“

“Dudley,” she said, “I think he’d mind.” Hopping off the bed, she stuck out her left hand. On her ring finger was an emerald green stone, glittering in the dim light.

“Huh? What’s that have to do with it? Come on, I’ll be quick, just stay—“

“It’s an engagement ring,” Ginny replied.

Dudley paused. “A what?”

“An engagement ring,” she said. “Harry’s my fiancé.”

“He’s your what?” Dudley managed to get out. “He’s—“ he stopped. His expression turned into something between astonishment and a nasty grin. “You’re with Harry?”

“Yeah,” she shrugged. “Oops.” She fluffed out her auburn hair.

“GINNY! DUDLEY?” hollered Harry, who they heard coming up the stairs.

“Wha—“ Dudley began.

“I have to go now, but don’t look so mortified. Honestly, I’ll see you at the wedding, won’t I?” she asked demurely. In a second, Dudley, still half-dressed, his limp dick hanging massively over his sagging boxers, grabbed Ginny around the waist and pulled her back to the bed in a tackle, kissing her hard on the lips.

“You berk!” she grinned, pulling away from him.

“Congratulations,” he said.


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(There are no)
Raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses
it’s sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses
at the shade of the sheets before all the stains
And a few more of your least favorite things.