Sex and Cigarettes

A/N: So I read a fic, based on a challenge that happened to include my favorite pairing. (Note I said favorite, not most popular) and I became inspired. I haven’t written in this ship in a while, though it is my favorite, however rare, and I figured with all of the sorrow and mournful tragedy arising around my favorite character, I needed to do something light and playful involving him and my favorite femme fatale. So this will be short and sweet, I hope, but I just needed a break from all the heavy emotional stuff.


It was a particularly embarrassing situation to find oneself in, indeed, though after 150 years of life, he supposed it was to be expected and quite frankly was fortunate enough to have not encountered the problem before that point. Severus sat, gazing at the Headmaster, his eyes narrowed into a scowl. “You’re a skilled potions brewer, Albus; surely you could mix it yourself…”

“Then what in the name of Merlin’s hairy beard am I paying you to be Potions Master for?” He snapped. It was rare that he snapped in such a manner at the younger wizard, but as of late his life had been rather hellacious. Four times he had been unable to perform for Minerva, and each time, she added more and more guilt to herself, thinking she’d become undesirable to him. Albus hated the thought that she blamed herself and wanted nothing more than to get things back up to par, no pun intended.

Severus sighed. “Forgive me, Headmaster, it’s just a very busy time, first years blowing up my classroom every other minute,” he muttered. “Surely you could ask Poppy to do it?”

“I went to Poppy first; knowing I’d find far less ridicule and resistance in her cheery person than in yours, however, Poppy has never had the pleasure of brewing the potion and cannot guarantee that it will have the…desired results.”

He sighed, letting his head drop forward, resigned to his fate. “Come seek me out tomorrow night, old man, my office, it should be ready then.” Without another word, he stood from the chair and stalked from the Headmaster’s office.

As he worked the next day through, Severus found himself to be particularly irritated, more so than usual. Although the potion was not difficult to brew, it was tedious, time consuming, and he felt as if he were wasting a good deal of energy on the process, more so than he should. He’d skipped dinner completely, knowing that there would be hell to pay, though not at Albus’ hand, if the potion wasn’t complete.

It needed another half hour to simmer and it was about that time that he found his craving for the thin black smoke of a Pall Mall kicking in. He’d tried to kick the habit several times over the years, and had mostly succeeded, but every now and then he’d find himself unable to combat the craving, and having just one to sate that craving did him little if any harm.

Slipping outside through the side entrance in the dungeons, he leaned against the brick wall and gazed up to the sky. It was sparkling with stars and not quite cold out. He found the thin black cigarette and lit it with a flick of his wand, sending the first drag’s smoke skyward in a ring.

“Hope you’ve got an extra,” Hooch spat coming up beside him and practically heaving her body against the wall. Digging into his pocket, he produced another and handed it casually to her without taking his eyes away from the sky. “Thanks,” she muttered, and then stood up on her toes, tapping his shoulder. With the cigarette between her lips, she pressed the tip to his glowing one as he turned his head toward her, and she inhaled. Blowing the smoke skyward, she leaned back against the wall and he looked back up at the sky. “Thanks.” She repeated.

Another smoke ring left his lips. “What has you all up in arms?” he sneered, but still did not turn his gaze to her.

“Aside from you still converting oxygen to carbon dioxide, just the first years, and the third years…and the bloody whole of the Slytherin Quidditch team,” she said, her voice gruff as ever. Rolanda took a long drag on the cigarette and allowed the smoke to curl out the side of her mouth. “And you?”

“I’m down one more cigarette than I intended to smoke this evening,” he countered. “And Albus has me brewing special commissioned potions for him.”

She snorted. “Special commissioned potions? Oh you have it so terrible, don’t you, Severus?” Another slow inhale and smoke was again drifting skyward from her lips. “I had to listen to Wood fuss and carry on all afternoon because you landed his beaters in detention every night this week!” she spat.

“Well if Minerva could keep her students out of trouble then you wouldn’t have to worry about it,” he said, face calm, impassive, and still not looking at her.

“I wouldn’t have that problem, but you’d still be here…”

“Maybe while I’m working on Albus’ potion, I’ll whip you up some poison.”

“Charming,” she smiled and rolled her eyes. “And what are you making for our boss?”

Severus couldn’t help but smirk. “Let’s just say that the Headmaster is having trouble rising to the occasion.”

A snort filled the air and he was soon chuckling too. “Oh, goodness, you’re hilarious,” she muttered. “Poor Albus, taking the heat for you not being able to get it up,” she smirked and turned her eyes to him, flicking the tip of the glowing butt off to the side of the grass.

He scowled, “I’ll thank you kindly, Hooch, to keep your pathetic barbs to yourself.” Turning on his heel, he stalked back toward the door.

“Did I strike a nerve? Someone’s feelings get hurt?” she snickered, following him to the door.

“And buy your own damn cigarettes!” he spat, turning to face her, finding her closer to him than he’d realized.

“They were my cigarettes, you took them from the staff lounge thinking they were yours.” She narrowed her hawk like eyes at him. “Can’t raise a response to that?” she smirked after his momentary silence.

“I think I will brew you some poison and drop it in your morning pumpkin juice.”

“Ooh, I’m shaking in my boots, Severus, probably more motion than you can rise in your trousers.” She knew it wasn’t as clever as some of her more pointed barbs, but it seemed to raise a growl from him anyhow. For as long as she could remember, once she’d discovered that he too smoked on occasion, and not only did he smoke, but he smoked the well coveted Pall Malls, they had been verbally assaulting one another into oblivion, but always coming back to share another cigarette.

They’d progressed from the door down the corridor and into his office by the time he’d turned around to hiss another scathing comment in her direction. “The most action you see all year,” and his lips curled into a cruel smile. The potion was nearly ready; he could see the fleshy pink consistency bubbling at the top of the cauldron as he entered his office. The phallus shaped bottle sat with its head like stopper resting on the table beside it, waiting to be filled. Her eyes caught it and she cupped her hand to her mouth to keep from bursting out in a full blown fit of feminine giggles.

Severus had charmed the bottle to look exactly like the member of the male genitalia that the Headmaster was having such difficulties with. In his displeasure at being forced to the task, he’d also enchanted it so that once the ‘penis-tip’ shaped cork was in the bottle the only way to ingest the potion was to suck it out. It had been a rather crude trick, but he hoped that it would certainly make Albus think twice before making him brew such a tedious potion again.

He turned his eyes to hers, following her gaze to the bottle and rolled his eyes. “Stop gawking at it like you’ve never seen one before,” he grumbled and swooped over to the cauldron, dousing the heat. Picking up the ladle, he began to fill the jar and then stoppered it.

Her eyes watched the movements of his hands and she blinked twice, shaking her head. “Dear Merlin, watching you makes me need another cigarette.” Severus just grunted, ignoring her as she stalked over to him. Her hand fished around on his chest and he stared at her incredulously, as if perhaps she’s suddenly sprouted a third eyeball in the middle of her forehead.

“What in the name of Merlin’s saggy left—”

“Crude as your tongue may be, Severus, I don’t need to hear it.” But she frowned when she did not find the box of cigarettes. “Don’t tell me you’ve smoked them all.”

“There were only four in the package to begin with. You took the last one.” He spat.

“Fantastic,” she narrowed her eyes at him and took a step back. “Now how am I going to sooth my oral fixation?”

She’d set herself all too open wide for that one. “If you’re finding your lacking things upon which to suck…” his voice trailed off and he smirked in satisfaction, watching her turn beet red. “Go find someone else’s cigarettes to mooch off of.” He was certain that the headmaster would come seeking him out at any moment and wished that once the potion was retrieved that he could be left in peace.

“I’m still convinced that potion is for you,” she said, trying to gain the upper hand. He’d succeeded in making her blush and that was never a good sign.

“Be convinced all you like, you won’t get the opportunity to find out.”

“Eurgh!” she made a rather elaborate gagging sound. “Like I’d want the opportunity, you’re hairy balls would be flossing my teeth.”

He shuddered and closed his eyes to keep the image from his mind. “Madam,” he hissed. “Your crude tongue need not waggle here; I’ve no desire to have your teeth anywhere near my anything.”

“Stuff it, Severus, you started it.”

“I’m not the one who’s insisting that I’m impotent!” he growled.

“Then prove it.”

The three most dangerous words that the woman could ever have uttered had tumbled from her mouth without a second thought. Severus Snape was not a man to back down from a challenge, however ridiculous, and her daring words were just enough to set him over the edge. He crossed the room in one stride and grabbed her wrist, pulling it tightly up, his other hand unzipping his trousers. Gripping her hand he pulled it down inside the band of his boxer shorts, pressing her palm against his erection.

Her breath caught in her throat and her eyes were wide for the briefest of moments before falling to half lidded. She curled her fingers around his stiff member and smirked. “Suppose you’re not impotent after all…”

“Yes, thank you, Captain Obvious,” he sneered and pulled her hand from his trousers. He would not admit that it had felt good to feel her hand cupped around his member. When exactly the bulge in his pants had arrived, he couldn’t quite pinpoint, but it seemed like every time that he found himself arguing with the Quidditch woman, a massive erection would arise, and he attributed this to being physically angry. Anger was linked to passion, hence the arousal.

“So you can hold a boner,” she quipped and stepped closer to him.

“Hooch, you’re treading on dangerous…” but he found his voice disappearing as she stood up on her tiptoes and gazed directly into his eyes.

“On what, Severus?” her lips brushed his for a moment and then she pulled back. “You wouldn’t want to anyhow.” Turning around she took a few steps back, wondering exactly where that had come from. She could feel dampness between her thighs and silently cursed herself for feeling so aroused in his presence. It wasn’t the first time she’d felt excited when arguing with him, but she attributed it to being physically riled up and thus her body had no other way to release it.

She’d about reached the door when his hands came down roughly on her shoulders and spun her around, forcing her back against the wood. He crushed his lips to hers, and the smoky taste of the Pall Malls mixed with a sweeter taste filled his mouth as he pressed his tongue into her mouth. One hand tangled into his hair, falling back immediately and she pulled away from the kiss. “Your hair is like a bloody grease pit,” she snapped, panting.

“At least I have hair,” he sneered and then crushed his lips to hers again, his fingers tearing through her short spiky tresses. She moaned and arched up against him, pushing him back; one arm around his back so as not to break the kiss. Succeeding in forcing him backward, she practically pounced on him, knocking him back into his desk. Papers went everywhere, and a bottle of ink spilled on the floor. “You clumsy fool!” he snapped, grabbing her around the hips and lifting her onto the desk.

“Just use your hair to mop it up, color and consistency are about the same…” her voice was rough as she wriggled her bum to the edge of the desk. Severus growled and leaned forward, pushing her back. He sank his teeth into the side of her neck and she yelped. “Bloody vampire!” She could feel his hips grinding forward against her crotch and she couldn’t suppress the groan.

“Barren old cow, probably don’t have any blood left for me to suck,” he hissed and then began to run his fingers through her hair once more, lips moving up and down her neck, suckling, biting, nipping, and teasing until she was panting quite heavily.

“Impotent bat…” she panted as her hands pushed at his trousers. They fell quite easily around his knees as he’d already done the fancy work of undoing the button and loosening the zip. “Probably drank half that cauldron while I wasn’t looking.”

“Hope you’ve a feather duster for me to clear away cobwebs with…” he hissed and grabbed at her trousers, forcing his hand down them.

She whimpered, a loud moan filling the room and her hips arched upward toward his hand. With her robes still on she found that she was stifling hot, her body sweating, her chest heaving. “Bloody Christ, you fool,” she growled and grabbed at his hair once more, pulling his lips to hers. “I swear, I’m going to make you come first, and when I do, I’m washing this bloody greasy mop of yours,” she spat and then bit his lower lip.

A feral growl escaped him and his hands were tearing at her robes, pulling them open. His lips descended to her breasts suckling hard at her left nipple through the cotton of her sports bra. “Ha,” he hissed. “Hooch you’ve not had sex in so long, my hands over your body will have you coming before I’m allowed to relieve myself…” his voice was growing husky and he too was panting.

“We’ll see about that, Snape,” she huffed and at once pushed his head away from her chest. She slipped down from the desk and grabbed at his shirt collar. His hands began tearing at her trousers, forcing them down as she popped buttons from his frock coat and then tugged the garment down over his shoulders. They were frantic, ripping and tearing at each other’s clothing, as if they only had moments to become one with each other.

He kicked out of his trousers, leaving his shoes as she shimmied out of hers, not bothering removing her boots. Her shirt was half over her head when she screamed, his fingers wriggling between her legs, trying to push their way into her slick warmth. “Cheating…” she panted, trying to clamp her thighs on his hand. Severus was a thin man and Rolanda was strong. She wrapped her arms around his naked waist and lifted him off his feet.

They crashed back into his work table, toppling the now empty cauldron to the floor with a bang. Her hands roamed over his chest, though his long sleeved shirt remained on him, all of the buttons undone, or popped off. Raking her nails across his chest, she smirked as he hissed, watching the little red marks appear in their wake. “Bloody cat,” he growled and grabbed her hips, pulling her forward and roughly kissing her mouth once more.

Fighting for domination, with her limbs trying to tangle him and his trying to capture hers, they fell nearly over the table and into one of the many bookcases that lined his office walls. Books tumbled from the shelves, clattering with heavy thuds all around them, but he sunk his teeth into her shoulder blade, hardly noticing. She hissed, grabbing onto one of the shelves for support. There was no fighting him as he grasped one thigh tightly and plied it apart.

“Fuck!” she shouted as he sheathed himself inside of her, a long hard thrust, and he didn’t wait before he began slamming into her. Arching back she sobbed, twisting her neck around to find waiting lips there, her tongue meshing against his. Severus’ fingers were clumsy, sliding over her chest, pushing the sports bra up, freeing her breasts. He groped her, hands rough and kiss rougher as his hips pounded at her flesh.

Rolanda broke the kiss, panting and gasping for air. “You’re…you’re…” she practically swallowed her words as his fingers twisted her nipples. “Ah…Severus,” her hips thrust backward, meeting him roughly where their bodies joined.

“Can’t handle a little heat, Rolanda?” though he too was panting.

Growling she swung one leg back and rocked her body back hard into his, and he fell backward, landing on his arse. She wasted no time in climbing atop him, sliding down over his turgid member, gripping his shoulders tightly as he scrambled back across the floor. Rolanda arched herself up and down his length, gyrating her hips, moaning the delicious sensation loud enough to wake the whole of Slytherin. “Uh!” she cried feeling his lips assaulting her breasts once more.

“Vocal, aren’t we?” his torso was shining with a sheen of sweat as she pushed against it, trying to rock him back onto his back as she forced her muscles to clamp on his member, determined to make him find release before she did.

“Come on…you…greasy…git…” she panted, running her hands through his hair but before she could thrust herself down upon him again, he was sitting up, and springing to his feet, surprisingly graceful, keeping their genitals touching as he found himself standing. Her legs wrapped tight against his hips as he carried her to the desk, their lips meeting, tongues dueling against the other. He sat her on the edge and began short rapid strokes into her, moving his hand between them, trying to press his thumb against her clit.

He howled when she sank her teeth into his nipple, nipping it over and over again, a rapid succession of tiny bites and he could feel his body nearly spasming, but he fought it. “No, damnit it!” he panted and tried to slow his thrusts but she forced her hips up, close to the edge as well. “Come for me, you wicked witch,” he hissed.

“Fuck all, Severus,” she closed her eyes tightly, trying to fight it, feeling her body nearly giving way to the long, hard thrusts, the pleasure wound so tightly inside her body that she couldn’t control it.

“Ah, Severus, I was hoping I’d find you— oh dear,” Albus flushed as she stepped through Potion Master’s office door.

Severus swung his head around and Rolanda grabbed hard onto his shoulders slamming herself up his length. “Ah, fuck!” he hissed and his body trembled, bumping against the desk as his knees went weak. He came, spilling into her. She growled, nails digging into his flesh as she felt herself spasm and clench around his pulsing member.

“Fuck me,” she hissed, “Gods.”

He was panting, clinging to her, knees pressed against the desk as the only thing holding him up. Another few breaths and he growled. “Potion’s on the table, Albus, please…go.”

The elder wizard chuckled, face a bit pink as he crossed the room quickly and pocketed the phallic bottle. As he strode to the exit he cleared his throat. “Thank you, my boy, though I don’t know that I’ll need it after witnessing this little display…” and he was gone, closing the door behind him.

Hooch sighed, a rather silly grin on her face before she let her head fall forward against his shoulder. “I get to wash your hair.”

“Interference, that doesn’t count.”

She chuckled heartily and then leaned back, pulling her hips away from him. “Bullocks, Severus, you’re just afraid of a little shampoo.”

“You came first anyhow,” he growled, still not completely in control of his own breath.

“Not bloody likely, you greasy git,” she muttered and then hopped down from the desk. Her eyes scanned his office for her trousers. It was in shambles, books and papers everywhere, the broken inkwell drying near where she stood. It was nothing a few waves of a wand couldn’t fix.

“Where are you going?” he asked as she slipped her trousers on and pulled her sports bra back down over her breasts.

“For a smoke,” she said.

“In case you’ve forgotten, you mindless ninny, we’re out of cigarettes.”

“No, you’re out of cigarettes,” she corrected and pulled a slim one from her pocket.

He narrowed his eyes at her. “Then why in the bloody hell did you come and steal my cigarettes?”

“Because, they were mine to begin with,” she smirked and then stopped at the door. “Bloody hell, my boss has just seen me fucking a co-worker,” she chuckled and stuffed the cigarette into her mouth, lighting it with a wave of her wand.

“You’d best take that outside.”

“If he’s going to sack me, it’s going to be over what he just witnessed, not me setting off the bloody smoke detectors,” she rolled her eyes and blew the smoke in his general direction.

Pulling his own trousers up and fastening them back in place he strode toward her. Severus looked thoroughly disheveled, as if he’d just had a romping bout of sex in his office. “You’d better have another.” She pulled the cigarette from her mouth and pressed it between his lips. “Thanks,” he muttered.

“No trouble,” she said and then reached into her pocket for another. He narrowed his eyes at her and she smirked. “I still get to wash that mess you call hair.” She said lighting her cigarette.

“Not on your life, Hooch,” he muttered and leaned against the desk, taking a long, well deserved drag on the cigarette. “Not on your life.”