The Pain of Harry Potter (Completely Redone)

A/N: Hello all. I had been working on this story more than a year ago (under the name of Lilac1195) and now that I’ve found it again, I really want to return to writing it. Initially, I’ll be starting with improvements and edits of the first draft of the story before I begin with the new material. Please not that there will be drastic changes, including that of the plot. Reviews would be nice along with the reading and I appreciate any creative criticism. Updates will occur whenever I can manage them as I’m busy with college and classes.

Warnings: Rape, Torture, Angst, M/M, M/F, violence. If you don’t like it, please don’t read it.

Summary: After enduring a scarring summer, Harry is forced to face his inner demons in order to find a way to defeat the Dark Lord. He receives unexpected help along the way. (This takes place after OOTP so please disregard HBP.)

Disclaimer: Don’t own a thing, don’t sue.

One: The Pain of Harry Potter

Sitting in the back of his uncle’s minivan, his bright green eyes focused on the scenery outside the window, a depressed fifteen year boy kept running the recent events through his mind…His stupidity, his injured friends, his dead godfather. Harry Potter forced himself to muster his strength in order to keep from bursting into tears right there in the middle of his uncle’s car. His cousin, Dudley, was seating directly opposite Harry and the wizard noticed every few moments Dudley would glance his way, his little eyes wide as if terrified. But Harry didn’t care too much, not only because he was so used to this type of behavior, but because his mind was occupied with other things. Besides, he was accustomed to of being thought as a freak whenever he spent his summers on Privet Drive. Yet, little could Harry anticipate that this summer would be the worst of his life.

It felt like ages passed before his uncle finally pulled up toward the driveway, the sound of gravel crunching underneath the tires at a dull thud. Almost immediately when the car came to a stop Harry’s cousin jumped out of the car, nearly falling over on himself in his haste. Harry wondered if he was truly so revolting that Dudley felt the need to get away from him as soon as possible. He looked down, shutting his green eyes for a moment, inexplicably overcome with feeling, feeling incredibly vulnerable at that second.

Harry's aunt was the next to leave the car, along with Harry's uncle both people slamming the car doors behind them, the entire vehicle vibrating as they did so. Harry could hear the muffled sounds of his aunt and uncle’s quick conversation outside the car, but he didn’t bother to actually pay attention to what they were saying. Harry stepped out of the car moments later, inhaling in the air that smelled threateningly like rain was coming. He looked up at the sky and realized it was steel grey, the sun disappearing rapidly. His aunt suddenly brushed past him, surprising him for a moment. He turned around for the briefest of seconds only to see her open the front door quickly and shoved Dudley in without a word. She cast her husband an odd look from over her shoulder and shut the door swiftly behind her.

Harry wondered vaguely what was happening between his aunt and uncle, seeing as they behaved fine and rather normally when they went to pick up Harry a little over two hours ago at King's Cross Station. Almost immediately after that thought fled through his mind however, Harry suddenly got an inkling and bad feeling that he should not be out there alone with his uncle. He felt the hairs on his body prickling him, his senses heightened and as he slowly glanced at his uncle, he was shocked to feel an evil presence radiating from the man staring directly at Harry. Harry nearly jumped out of his skin at the stare, his uncle’s watery eyes boring holes through him. His uncle had never glared at him the way he was now, not even when Harry used to annoy him, had that man glared at him as he glared now.

Harry's mouth was slightly open when he shut it and (despite the feeling of danger he sensed) asked quietly, “Can you open the car trunk please?”

His uncle snorted at his question and walked around the car, facing Harry but did not bother to reply. They were at least a foot apart, and Harry thought he would lose his self control and scream if his uncle got any closer. The heavy man stared at the skinny boy in front of him with his round taped glasses, huge clothes, and shaggy, unkempt hair, and suddenly a sense of power came over Vernon Dursley. He knew he could destroy Harry Potter right there and then, he could stop that stupid boy now from spreading that curse of death he carried everywhere unto his family. He knew Potter carried it where ever he went… First his parents were dead, then his stupid godfather, and Vernon was scared he was next.

Harry surveyed his uncle for a moment, hiding the fear he felt with that man still glaring at him. Harry could hear his owl, Hedwig, start to squawk from being locked up in her cage and the back of the car for too long. For once his uncle ignored the owl and without warning, grabbed Harry's baggy shirt and slammed the boy into the side of his gleaming car. Harry gasped in shock and confusion. What the hell did this man think he was doing?

A flurry of people who were walking by stared at Vernon concerned looks on their faces, but he paid no heed. And for once in his life, Harry wished that one of those people would come help him.

“Listen here boy,” his uncle growled, and Harry stopped the struggling he was about to do. His uncle was so close to him he could see his chest rising and sinking, he could see the malicious glare in that man's eyes, aching to rip him to pieces. Harry was really scared now. What happened to the uncle that had always been terrified of Harry? The same uncle that wouldn't come near Harry because he thought he would be turned into frog spawn was now the man that showed no fear as he spoke.

“I won't have any of your nonsense in my house this summer,” he spat, and Harry still stared at him, green eyes wide. Vernon’s face was red and full of contempt. “I swear, boy, you step out of line, I'll make your life more of a living hell than it already is.”

Harry said nothing but opted to remain silent. What was his uncle talking about?

“I won't fall into your trap boy,” he murmured viciously, people still walking by and staring at them.

Then there was a clap of thunder. It didn't sound too far away, and Harry knew it was going to rain. He prayed that it did, so maybe this crazed man could let him go and he could go to his room and write desperate letters for help to his friends, Ron and Hermione…

“I won't fall into this trap,” he repeated, glaring at Harry. "I won't be the next to go. First you curse your stupid parents into death, then your damned godfather-"

Harry instantly lost it. No one was going to berate him about his dead family—Not even this man, who had him pinned to a car and was threatening his life. Harry struggled against the man desperately, trying to reach for his wand which was secure in the back pocket of his jeans. He knew he shouldn't do magic but this situation was out of hand; He didn't know why his uncle was doing this to him, but speaking of his dead loved ones was crossing the line.

In the midst of the struggle it began to rain Harry still scuffled against his uncle, panic creeping into his uncle's face as he tried to keep Harry from reaching his wand. Harry was suddenly struck across the face, it snapping to the side as he gasped in surprise. His wand fell out of his pocket, landing on the ground with a hopeless clatter. His uncle, triumphant, slammed Harry back into the car again this time with more force.

"Don’t you try that one me boy!" the man yelled, spitting on Harry's bruising cheek. "STOP!" Vernon yelled louder, as Harry started to struggle once again, desperate for his wand. He could hear Hedwig screeching louder in her cage, sensing her master was in danger.

The rain now began to pour as if buckets were spilling up Harry, and people continued to rush by and stare at the two, Hedwig’s noise attracting unwanted attention.

Hedwig seemed to be bothering Vernon more than Harry was right now because he dropped Harry unceremoniously onto the cement and kicked him out of his way before grabbing his car keys to open the back of his minivan. Vernon wanted to get rid of that damn bird right there and then. Harry meanwhile began to scramble around for his wand, snatching it from next to his uncle’s foot. He jumped up quickly and pointed it to his disgusting uncle's back at the same exact moment Vernon had opened the back door. The owl was now silent, crouching to the back of her cage defensively, and Harry's uncle wasn't moving, realizing that Harry was pointing the want directly at him.

It was now Harry's turn to threaten.

"You touch her, and I swear I'll kill you," were the words that left Harry’s mouth.

Harry wouldn't mind doing that to this man…this man that had made his life hell since he was young...this man that had just hit him and attempted to force Harry into more fear and submission.

The rain came down harder, and suddenly there was another flash of lightening. Harry caught a quick glimpse of his aunt's terrified face as she was staring out of her living room window at the two.

"Turn around," Harry commanded, and his uncle did so immediately, obviously knowing Harry couldn't perform magic outside of school, but still being quite frightened of him.

His uncle didn't say anything, but still glared at the boy. If he didn't have that ruddy wand...

Harry was sick of this. The rain was making Harry want to throw up, along with the ache on his left cheek. "Take my things out of the car trunk," Harry said darkly, still pointing the wand straight at his uncle's heart. All Harry wanted was to be alone in his room, trying to figure out a way to escape his, now, crazed uncle.

Vernon hated this. He was supposed to be the one in command. He was supposed to instill fear, not damned Potter. But still, he walked obediently to the trunk of the car, Harry following close by. Vernon opened the trunk, and pulled out Harry's things. He resisted the urge to run and kill the bird, which was quiet now, knowing that Harry would probably burst him into pieces if he harmed the stupid animal. He slammed the car trunk shut, and Harry's trunk lay at his feet, getting soaked in the rain.

The front door suddenly opened and his aunt Petunia was there, staring at her husband in fear.

"Bring my things in," Harry said, still pointing the wand at Vernon. The man looked just about ready to kill Harry, but did as he was told, his wife holding the door open for him. Harry reached in through the open car door and pulled out Hedwig in her cage, while Vernon was heaving the trunk indoors. Harry quickly unfastened the lock on Hedwig's cage. The owl watched him quietly, slowly getting soaked in the downpour.

"Hedwig," Harry whispered and the bird turned to him, knowing this was urgent. "I'm going to drop the cage at the door and you get out of it as fast as you can." The owl hooted, understanding what Harry was saying. "I want you to fly away, as far as you can." The owl hooted softly once more. "But don't worry about me," Harry said, "I'll be fine."

However, in the back of Harry's head he knew he wouldn't. "Go fly somewhere safe," Harry continued to his bird, as she listened to him like an actual human would.

"Get the ruddy hell in here!" Harry heard Vernon yell. Harry glared at him, and started walking ever so slowly toward the front door. Harry knew he would have to act quickly in order to get his bird safely away. And even though it was illegal, if Harry had to, he would hex anyone who tried to hurt him or Hedwig.

He turned quickly back to his bird, after thinking for a moment. "Go straight to Hogwarts," Harry muttered and the bird hooted softly. "Go to Dumbledore." Harry still felt a deep hatred for Dumbledore, but he knew Hedwig would be safe with him. The bird hooted softly again.

Vernon was tried of waiting for this idiot boy, who was moving slower than a damn snail. He was itching to cause the boy pain, as well as killing the bird. He suddenly lost control and rushed outside, despite the fact that Harry still pointing the wand at him. Harry saw this, and panicked, dropping Hedwig's cage, which popped open with a bang as it crashed to the ground. The bird hooted wildly and flew out, turning straight to the man who was advancing on Harry.

"HEDWIG, NO!" Harry screamed, as his uncle almost caught her. "GO!"

The bird flew up into the air and zoomed off, and Harry, completely ignoring his crazed uncle, inclined his head up, and watched his bird fly away to safety, suddenly disappearing in the violent rain and fog. Vernon saw Harry’s distraction and took that moment to pounce on Harry, and dragged the struggling boy inside.

He yelled at his scared wife to close the door and she shut it almost instantly as soon as Harry was thrown into the hall. Harry gasped as his wand flew out of his hand and landed right next to his uncle's feet. His uncle bent down, picked it up and snapped it in two pieces.

"NO! You bastard!" Harry screamed, standing up, his entire body shaking in fright.

Dudley seemed to have heard the racket, because the nervous boy was at the foot of the stairs. "Dad, Mum...what's going on?"

Vernon Dursley stayed silent, a mad smile placed on his face. He had Harry now. There was no wand to protect him… he could cause as much pain as he wanted to the stupid boy. He didn't care if the owl was gone now. He had this boy to torture.

"Dudley, get back upstairs!" Harry's aunt yelled. She looked panicked when her son didn't move and ran upstairs quickly and forced him back into his room.

As soon as she had gone, Harry's uncle advanced on him, throwing the wand pieces behind him. Vernon grabbed a lamp and swung it at Harry, who ducked and ran to the opposite end of the hall. He found himself pinned against the front door, with his uncle smiling insanely. What the hell had gotten into him?

Vernon grabbed the boy by the scruff of his neck, and dragged Harry upstairs. He went to the first door as soon as they reached the landing, the boy still struggling underneath him, and threw Harry inside the smallest bedroom. Harry stumbled back and fell, his shoulder making painful contact with the edge of his trunk. Harry gasped at the sudden pain and looked up, terrified, to see his uncle, still dripping wet from the rain, looming over him, lamp in hand. The fat man was still smiling his insane smile. Almost suddenly, there was a hit across his head, and Harry fell into the darkness.

***

Harry groaned. His head hurt immensely, blood pumping furiously through the veins in his head. He didn't want to move, he just wanted to stay lying there, where ever he was, in this blissful darkness. A light suddenly hit his face and he couldn't help but open his eyes, soon wishing he hadn't. The light was coming through the small window at the opposite end of the room, and it stung his eyes greatly, so he snapped them shut again. The memories of what happened to him last night came flooding back into his head, mixed along with his guilt about the death of his godfather, Harry just wanted to drop dead right then and there. He didn't want to live through this pain any longer, especially now that his uncle had lost his sanity, and went scarily crazy the night before.

Harry sat up, his head brushing the side of the trunk that had hurt his shoulder the night before, and he wasn't surprised to feel immense pain as he did so. His face hurt from when the man had punched him, his shoulder was killing him, and he had a headache, probably because his uncle had knocked him unconscious. Harry was shocked however, to see that his pants were torn off and lying in a heap with his boxers right next to the door.

He panicked.

There was no way that man could have done that to him...He was family! He was his damn uncle! As much as the man hated Harry, it wouldn’t be possible that he would have done such a thing… Harry was scared to look down at his lower body, afraid that what he just realized was truth and not just him thinking irrationally. He couldn't ignore the pain coming from down there, even though he hadn't felt it when he woke. But he knew he had to look...he wasn't going to stay sitting, fearing this for the rest of his life…

So he did glance down, and his eyes grew wide as he realized his entire lower body was exposed, with dried blood and semen all over his thighs and shirt. And almost as instantly as he saw this, Harry shoved his face in his hands and muffled his scream of agony.

***

He was alone finally, with no one to bother him. He sat in his study, in his quarters at the castle. The room gave off a soft glow, throwing shadows over the many bookcases and shelves, and his desk with all his papers and things thrown about. But Severus Snape wasn't sitting at his desk like he normally would have been. No—it was the start of another summer, another blissful summer spent alone...or not entirely alone to be exact. He wasn't the only one still in the castle.

Of course, the Headmaster continued living in his own quarters, despite the holidays having come. And Madame Promfrey never left the space of her hospital wing. But many of the other professors were gone, probably away somewhere with their families, and this made the dark-haired man frown.

Yes, he had family. If one were to consider the people here at Hogwarts his family, but also, the girl. He saw her walk by, and she glanced back at him, no emotion in her face, but the eyes, those black eyes that looked just like his. He heard her walk down a corridor and slam a door behind her. She was a very moody girl, but Snape supposed most girls her age were. He didn't understand why though. He thought she would be happy, finally out of the house, and in a different place, seeing as she spent most of her life locked up in that manor anyway.

And suddenly a pang of guilt hit the man. He put the book he was reading down by his feet, and curled himself so that his hands were wrapped around his knees. Severus never showed this side of him to anyone, except those who were very close to him, and that were very little people. Indeed he did show his haughty, snappy side to most people, especially to Harry Potter. That obnoxious boy, just like his stupid, attention craving father. However, it was Potter that inspired Snape to finally get the girl from the depths of the manor, where she constantly stayed locked up. Because Potter had invaded Snape's mind during the Occulmency lessons not so long ago, and had traveled back to the troubled memories of his youth, where he was locked up like she was—his parents always fighting and having better things to attend to—And he hoped that Albus accepting her this year, despite her age, would have made her happy...

But she never did smile. Never.

***

There was a loud knock on the door, and Harry was bolted, his heart pounding against his chest. He was scared and he could feel his hands suddenly dripping with cold sweat, his entire body shaking. What if it was his uncle? What if the man was looking to do more to his body, like he had done the night before? Harry couldn't take it. He made himself jump up, despite the terrible pain he felt in his anus, his head and his back. There was another knock as he quickly threw on his boxers, not bothering at all with his pants, and ran to the end of the room, grabbing a lamp and ripping its plug out of the wall socket. He was ready this time. Vernon Dursley would not take advantage of him any longer.

The next knock...But Harry did not answer. He stayed silent, heart now slamming painfully against his chest, lamp lifted in the air, ready to strike, and sweating fervently, despite nothing having happened...yet.

Then suddenly the door opened. Harry was about ready to run headlong at the intruder, just about ready to hurt whoever it was who walked through that door, when he had stopped in his tracks.

It was his aunt. Harry noticed she was bruised and morose as well. Had Vernon beat her too? The bastard, Harry thought as his aunt closed the door quietly. She said nothing, but stared at Harry, her eyes as full of pain as Harry's were. The purple mark around her eye was unsettling to Harry, and suddenly he felt like crying about that along with everything else, but he held back the tears and emotion, refusing to break down in front of her. He wouldn't break down in front of anyone.

He slowly lowered the lamp back down on the desk.

"What did he do to you?" she whispered, her voice breaking slightly, as she saw the dried blood and semen stains that went down Harry's outer leg.

Harry wasn't sure what to say, so he kept him mouth shut. He didn't want to remember, he didn't want to say anything, he just wished all of this madness would end…

"Please, come down to the kitchen," she said quietly after Harry didn’t answer her.

Harry didn't want to go anywhere. He was still uneasy about this whole thing. Maybe his aunt was playing a dark trick on Harry. Could it be possible that she would lure him to the kitchen and make him easier prey for his abusive uncle? But despite that disturbing thought he just had (and Harry hated himself for what he did next) he followed his aunt downstairs. As they crossed the second floor hall, Harry wondered where his uncle could be. The house sounded extremely quiet.

As the two walked downstairs and past the living room, its doors open, Harry couldn't help but glance inside. He was relieved to see no Vernon, but Dudley was there, watching television, a bowl of chocolates being held by one hand, the other devouring them as fast as it would let him. Harry was instantly disgusted. Dudley heard the two walk by, and shot his mother a sneer, and then glared at Harry, a sick smile on his face. Harry felt nausea rising within the pit of his stomach. That glare was just like his father's...Dudley grinned, enjoying his newfound power over his stupid, skinny cousin. His father had told him that just giving Potter that look would cause the boy to squirm, and Dudley loved it.

Harry turned his head away from those eyes, panic flowing back into him, as he walked straight into the kitchen, shaking slightly. There was no Vernon in there either, and Harry thanked all the deities that came to his mind. Petunia pushed at a plate of bread and a smaller bowl of soup toward Harry as he took a seat opposite the door, so he would be able to see who came in and out of it.

She sat next to him, and watched Harry as he stared at his food.

"Where is he?" Harry asked quietly, not caring about the sharp pains coming from his lower half.

His aunt looked slightly terrified when she muttered, "He went to buy...rope."

Harry froze. That man wouldn't think about doing anything to him with the rope...But then again, Harry knew he was crazy, he had raped him the night before while Harry was unconscious.

His aunt sensed his fear.

"Eat," she said quietly. "It might be the only thing you get for days."

Harry couldn't. The twisting knot in his stomach of knowing what was to come stopped him completely. He almost went numb when she muttered about the rope, but now the pains all over his body were coming back to him.

"Why is he doing this to me?" Harry choked, suddenly standing up, and then sitting down immediately, as he felt nauseous.

His aunt continued to look at him terrified.

"He thinks you're going to kill him next," she whispered.

At this point, Harry did want to kill that man, cause him as much pain as he had caused Harry, not just from last night, but from all the pain he had caused throughout his entire life. And he didn't know why his aunt was helping him. Was it because she was now scared of her husband, and he thought she was in alliance with Potter? Or maybe she just felt bad for him, for what he had gone through...

Suddenly Harry heard a yell from the living room. He jumped and his aunt looked even more terrified all over again.

"Get over here, woman!" he heard Dudley screech.

The bastard wasn't even bothering to call his own mother by her name, or at least address her respectfully. But then again Dudley was so much like his father. With the glare Dudley threw at him, Harry was now positive the two were together in torturing him.

His aunt left the kitchen without a word, and he heard her run straight into the living room, where her fat, disgusting, pig-like son sat.

Harry stood up as he heard his aunt ask, "What is it sweetheart?" Her voice was so icky and gooey and she sounded like none of this madness was even happening. That made Harry want to throw up all over again. He walked to the counter and braced himself against it because he knew if he didn't, he would probably vomit straight onto the floor.

Harry gasped almost at once though. He felt a sharp pain, now in his thumb, and he brought it to his eyes. He realized there was blood coming from a small cut there. But how did that happen—?

He looked down at the counter and noticed a small knife, its tip, covered with some of Harry's blood, as he heard Dudley giving his mother an order of the things he wanted. Harry suddenly blocked them out of his mind, and he focused on the cut on his finger. It felt good...the blood flowing from him felt almost surreal. He picked up the knife and held it out in front of him, his aunt running through the door, muttering what her son had commanded her to get him.

She didn't even bother to look at Harry, who had frozen at what he was doing.

"Hurry up or I'll tell dad that you brought Harry down to the kitchen!" he heard Dudley yell.

So Dudley was using his mother for his own needs...Food. Harry was even more disgusted than he had felt minutes ago. His aunt still didn't notice that he hadn't put the knife down, as she was busy rummaging through the open fridge. When she came out, she was carrying half a cake, a bottle of soda, and various chocolate boxes in her hand, running, as fast as she could, careful not to drop anything, so she could please her son.

Harry heard Dudley squeal in delight at all the things his mother brought him, and Harry couldn't take that any longer. Harry took the small knife and put it in his pocket, and he grabbed the bowl of soup, and threw the bread in it, and then grabbed a closed bottle of spring water from the counter, and walked as quickly as he could out of the kitchen. He had other ideas in mind, now that his uncle was gone, and his aunt was busy pleasing her son and Harry had that knife.

He had taken the food and he would store it, taking his aunt's advice that he would not be fed anything in days to come. He glanced quickly into the living room as he rushed by and caught his aunt smiling over her fat son as he shoved his face with cake.

Moments later as he rushed up the stairs and into his room, Harry slammed his bedroom door behind him, and walked to his desk, putting the food and water down and pulling the knife out of his pocket. He examined it for a moment, pulling it in front of him, as he had done down at the kitchen. It wasn't very big, but not too small either. The gleaming, sharp metal blade was at least a few inches, and the wooden handle made it seem like the knife had gained a few more inches in its length. Harry glanced at the dried blood that was resting at the tip of the blade.

Suddenly everything came to him. The death of his godfather, his grief about it, his abuse, the rape, his aunt cooing over her bastard of a son, and he brought the knife down to his wrist. He wondered if he should kill himself now but thought better of it. He was desperate to feel that surreal feeling he had when the knife had pricked him. He needed it.

Harry ran the blade across his wrist, and gasped at the pain. It was a deep wound, indeed, but he loved it all the more. Blood gushed from the wound, staining the knife, but he didn't care. The surreal feeling came back to him as he cut himself below the first gash, and he forgot about his dead godfather, his crazed uncle, and everything else…

The surreal feeling was all that mattered, and continued to cut him self in order to try to keep it.

TBC
Thanks for reading!