Under the Influence

A/N: This is my first fanfic that I'm actually putting online. The whole submitting my work online thing has kind of intimidated me, so I write, then it rots in my hard drive. So please don't flame me. I'll have to sic my rotten hard drive on anybody who does.

This story was inspired by Vampire_Exotica's Snape Walks Into a Bar challenge on the Hideaway.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hermione, Snape, or any Harry Potter- related stuff. I wish...



CHAPTER 1:

Snape stalked through the deserted alley he had just Apparated into, walking with a purpose. He reached the door he'd been searching for, then swung it open violently. With a pinched expression on his face, Snape walked into a bar.

He scanned the half-empty bar, passing over the greasy looking tables and the women with their cleavage hanging out the tops of their shirts. No, he was looking for something much less obvious, someone who wouldn't just go home and give him a quick, unsastifying fuck, but somebody whom he could have a halfway intelligent conversation with. Then maybe they could go home and have a long, sastifying fuck.

Of course, this was a Muggle bar. He already knew by instinct and experience that there was nobody in the Wizarding world he wanted to talk to, never mind fuck. So it was time to expand his horizions a bit. He was half-blood after all, it was like returning to his roots. Muggles weren't beneath him. Unless he was fucking them, that is.

Score! He spotted the back of a woman with curly hair sitting at the bar. A quick once-over revealed she wasn't wearing anything remotely slutty. In fact, she was dressed a bit prudish, like she had no idea that she had potential to be beautiful. Perfect. Snape had always harbored a secret fantasy about the bookish librarian who nobody knew could be pretty until she took down her hair and took her glasses off. Intelligence and beauty. A perfect package.

He sauntered slowly over to the bar stool next to her, and with a flourish, sat down. He checked to make sure his Muggle trenchcoat was draped perfectly over the stool, and turned to look at his librarian. Unfortunately, she was turned away from him, her head rested in her hand that was supported by an elbow resting on the sticky-looking bar. She had a half-empty pint of beer in front of her.

'Hmmm... the librarian drinks beer. I like it...' Snape thought to himself. Out loud he said:

"Can I buy you a refill?"

Startled, the woman jumped a bit, the turned to look at him.

"Professor Snape?"

"Oh, shite, Miss Granger?"

Snape's eyes narrowed at his reply. What the hell was she doing in a seedy Muggle bar, late on a wednesday night? Drinking beer? Well, now that he thought about it, a beer didn't sound so bad. He tapped the bar, getting the bartender's attention.

"Give me Ale!"

The bartender filled a filmy glass from the tap behind the bar and slid it over to Snape. Snape wiped the rim of the glass off with his sleeve, then drunk deeply. When half the pint was gone, he slammed his glass down on the bar and looked back at Hermione again.

"What are you doing here, Miss Granger?"

Hermione sighed, closed her eyes, and replied in a dejected voice, "I could ask you the same thing, Professor. What I'm doing in this dump is none of your business."

"What, have you had a row with your unlucky husband, Harry stinking Potter?"

In answer, she pulled a parchment out of her pocket, and slid it across the bar, showing Snape the writing on it.

"Divorce decree? Is this a joke, Miss Granger?"

"I'm afraid not, Professor. Our divorce was finalized today."

"Well, hell. Let's celebrate! Bartender! This young lady's drinks are on me tonight!"

The bartender smirked at Hermione, who shrugged at him. She picked up her mug and tossed back the contents.

"Another beer then, please."

Looking at Snape, she questioned, "Why are you being so nice tonight?"

"I'm not being nice, Miss Granger. I'm meerly celebrating an unfortunate turn in your ex-husband's life. For all the years I had to suffer teaching him, it's nice seeing him suffer a bit."

"But Professor Snape, he's not suffering. He's happy!"

"Why would he be happy that you divorced him?"

"He divorced me, Professor. You should know by now that I couldn't stand failing at anything. Not even a marriage of convenience."

Snape's mouth dropped open. Harry had left her? She was too good for him, not the other way around.

"Now why would he do that, Miss Granger?" he purred.

"He's in love with somebody else."

"Who?"

Hermione's head dropped onto the bar and she mumbled, "Drrrbb Maabb"

"What?"

She looked him in the eye.

"Draco Malfoy."

Snape threw his head back, laughing. Hermione pursed her lips together.

"What, sir, is so funny about that?"

"I always knew he was a poofter!" Snape bellowed, wiping small tears from his eyes.

"Draco or Harry?"

"Both. Couldn't you see that all their hatred for each other was just unresolved sexual tension?"

"Well, they resolved it. In my bed. On my new sheets."

"Well, then, Miss Granger, drink up. We're celebrating the joining of Romeo and Juliet at last!"

"Which one is which?" asked Hermione, taking his advice and finishing another beer. The bartender refilled her glass without being asked this time.

"Well, despite Mr. Malfoy's feminine appearance, I think he's the more masculine of the two. Harry is the drama queen. So, Draco would be Romeo, I guess."

"But Draco is so.... girly."

"And Harry's not?"

She thought for a minute.

"Okay, you have me on that one. Maybe they're Juliet and Juliet." She set her empty glass on the bar and the bartender refilled it again. Snape did the same.

"Shouldn't you slow down, Miss Granger?"

"Divorce is thirsty work, sir. Are you afraid I'll drink away your account?"

He snorted.

"Hardly, Miss Granger. But, despite my elation at this happy bit of news, I don't want you vomiting on me tonight."

"No need to worry about that, Professor. I always aim away from the guy buying my drinks." With that, she took another long drink of her beer.

Snape raised his eyebrows over the rim of his own glass. Who would have thought Miss Know-it-all acould drink like a sailor on shore leave?

An hour and several more beers later, Hermione jumped off her stool. She wobbled a bit. Snape held out his arm, giving her something to grab onto. She grinned at him appreciatively. He rose from his own stool.

"Where are you going now, Miss Granger?"

"Well, sir, first I need to pee. Then, I need a kebab. Care to join me?"

"I usually prefer to urinate alone, Miss Granger. But I will have a kebab with you."

She flashed him another grin, the headed for the ladies room. Snape took a page out of her book and decided to use the facilities himself.

The men's room was horrid. It smelled like stale, cheap whiskey, urine and vomit. He used the urinal, being incredibly careful not to touch any surface. He decided to forego washing his hands in the mildewy sink. Looking around, he quickly pulled out his wand and cleaned his hands the magic way.

He went back out into the bar to discover Hermione was missing. He waited by the door of the ladies room for a moment when the bartender caught his eye.

"She's outside!" he yelled.

Snape nodded his appreciation, and went outside to find Hermione. Sure enough, she was laying on the sidewalk in front of the bar, wearing no shoes.

"Where are your shoes, Miss Granger?"

"Are my legs supposed to be this drunk?....I can still think straight....surely that's not right?"

Snape sighed. He searched the sidewalk around her, and found one brown loafer. After a bit more searching, he found the other one in the gutter across the street.

"C'mon Miss Granger, let's get you up," Snape said in distaste, holding his hand out to her.

She raised her arm, and grasping it, Snape hauled her to her feet. She swayed for a minute, then was able to stand on her own.

"On second thought, maybe I should go home. I don't want to have ammo in my stomach when I vomit later. Thanks for the drink."

With that, she Apparated away.

Snape shrugged. She didn't look like she had splinched, since there were no body parts left behind. 'Trust Miss Granger to be able to perform magic competently while sloshed.'

Walking back into the deserted alley, Snape reflected on his night.

'It wasn't so bad. True, there was no fucking, and while I wouldn't exactly call the conversation intelligent, it was interesting.'

With that final thought, he Apparated back to Hogwarts.



The Challenge:

Snape walks into a bar....

Basic Plot: Snape walks into a bar and meets Hermione. They hate each other to begin with but with the help of alcohol
they begin to become very flirtatious friends

Ships?: SS/HG and I'm open to other pairings

Genre: (romance, angst, etc) Humour, romance, drama

Length: (one shot, chapters) This one has to be chapters unless you really think you can make it a one shot. minimum 2000 words

Any must have details:

* The story must begin and partly revolve around Snape walking into a bar / pub and the words 'Snape walks into a bar' must be contained fully with the first three centences of the fic.

* Hermione must be one of the following: - in her last year of Hogwarts

- working at Hogwarts

- studying at a university

- Or training with Ron and Harry to become an Auror.

* Hermione and Snape hate each other to begin with but with the help of alcohol
they begin to become very flirtatious friends.

* Must have parings are: - HG/SS


* Harry and Ron don’t disown or hate Hermione and Snape’s relationship.


* Hermione and Snape don’t fall in love with in the first week. (They’ve been at each others throats for years... give them a few months)


* If you choose to have Voldermort alive you must at some point in the fiction kill him off. (A nice drunken battle might be interesting. Hmmm Voldermort killed by alcohol poisoning...)

*Snape must secretly enjoy teaching potions


* Someone must say three of the following (at any point in the story) :

'I'm not as stupid as you look'

'give me the pizza, I can use it as a compass'

'I need a kebab'

'You can't drink that its glowing'

'Can I eat your nose?'

'Can I bite your shoulder?'

'I must have BOOZE!'

*Someone must sing: 'Show me the way to go Home...I'm tired and I want to go to bed, I had a little drink about an hour ago and its gone stright to my head.' (credit to film Jaws for that one. and you can use the full song if you know it)



* Oh and you must enjoy yourself. Room for a few laughs here so go ahead.





Extra optional Quotes for those of you who want them:


"Jump! Quick like a bunny!"


"Are my legs supposed to be this drunk?....I can still think straight....surely thats not right?"


"Give me Ale"


"I didn't think they came in this size"


"Well congratulations, give your self a shiny" (British kids programme quote....)


"Extra mayonnaise, Burger sauce, mustard....ooo and a pickled gherkin please"


"Go away...I'm dead"


"If I throw a stick will you go away?"


"Um....the sun is beeping" (credit to SG-1 2010)


"Snow in a cauliflower, never drifts" (credit to Charlie from space cadets)