Muggle Studies

Disclaimer: (thanks for reminding me, Sea.) I didn't make up anything you recognize.

Never before had Malfoy so much wished he had gone to Durmstrang. Wait until Mother hears of this. She'll be sorry she didn't let me go where I wanted.

It was the worst thing that had ever happened to him at Hogwarts. Worse than losing at Quidditch to Potter, worse than getting slapped by the Mudblood, worse than losing the house cup first year.

It all started with a simple notice posted in the daily bulletin. "BEGINNING THIS TERM, ALL STUDENTS RAISED BY A WITCH/WIZARD AND IN THE PRESENCE OF MAGIC OF ANY KIND WILL BE REQUIRED TO PASS A MUGGLE STUDIES COMPETENCY EXAM (OR OBTAIN EQUIVALENT CLASS GRADE). STUDENTS WHO FAIL TO COMPLY WILL NOT GRADUATE! SEE PROFESSOR FITZWILLIAM FOR DETAILS.”

At first, Draco had run to Professor Snape, notice in hand, waving it and saying there must be something Snape could do about this, and did he really have to take it, and he hated that ridiculous mudblood-lover Dumbledore! Snape only answered that no, there wasn’t anything he could do, yes Draco did have to take it, and Dumbledore got on his nerves too but Draco is a student and shouldn’t speak about the Headmaster in such a way, and was lucky Snape didn’t take off house points for it.

Draco grudgingly went on his way to speak to Professor Fitzwilliam, the muggleborn Muggle Studies professor. Perhaps he could worm his way out of it.

There was no such luck. In the end, he was told that he could either take the Muggle Studies Competency Exam, or take Muggle Studies as a class and pass with an Acceptable or higher. The class was just as the class had always been, with regular homework and moderately easy subject matter. The test was twenty pages long and took five hours to complete. It included several essays, short answer and multiple choice questions. In general, it was clear which option was easiest. Besides, what sort of idiot could do badly in Muggle Studies? It was distasteful but surely any wizard with half a brain could figure out what a “macrocave” did.

So had Draco Malfoy thought. And so had Pansy Parkinson thought, as well, especially once Draco had told her all about it and how he was taking Muggle Studies. But now, sitting in the classroom having heard the worst news of his life, he understood why most Slytherins opted for taking the excruciating exam.

“In the place of the usual exam and essay at the end of the term, we’ll be trying something new.” Professor Fitzwilliam said. “You will be required to inhabit a small flat for one week, and live completely like a Muggle.” He went on to explain that Dumbledore had had the house elves build a regular (well, regular in every way but that it is undetectable to Muggles like Hogwarts) apartment building just outside the grounds, and they would ride “bicycles” (whatever THOSE were!) rather than broomsticks to the castle every day to get to their classes. At the end of the school day, they would ride back, and live as Muggles. Each flat would be fully furnished and functional except that no magic would work once they stepped in the door. Students under 17 must choose a roommate of the same sex. Anyone over 17 would be able to live with anyone they wished. At this, Draco and Pansy looked at each other and smiled. Thank Merlin they were both of age, as Pansy had only just turned 17 the week before.

“We will begin preparation for this project starting tomorrow.” Professor Fitzwilliam continued. “You will learn to use various appliances to cook, clean, and for entertainment. Chapter four of your textbook includes information on Muggle entertainment and amusement, if you’d like to take a look at it ahead of time. Starting the middle of next week, we’ll be learning to ride bicycles, which, as stated earlier, you’ll be using to get to and from Hogwarts. For now, I'd like you to look over and outline chapters one and two of your textbook and be ready to answer questions tomorrow. Be sure to pick up an outline of the project on your way out, and let me know if you have any questions. Class dismissed."

Once out the door, Pansy fell over dramatically into Draco's arms. She sighed deeply. "Oh Draco!" she cried, "Can you believe this? Living like Muggles! Like filth! What would our parents think?"

"Our parents will never know about this." Draco stated completely seriously. “Ever.“ Then he smirked and told her "There is one good thing about all this, I suppose..."

"Oh? And what's that?"

"Well, we WILL be stuck into a flat all by ourselves... and while I don't know much about how Muggles entertain themselves, I can think of a few things we can do to, ahem... pass the time." He grinned at her while she blushed. Her blush was adorable.

"Draco!" She hushed her voice and leaned in closer, though whether it was just because she didn't want anyone to hear, one couldn't tell. "You know we already talked about that... not until we've married."

Draco groaned. Her and her stupid, old-fashioned Parkinson ideals. She was lucky he genuinely loved her or he'd be cheating all over the place. But he knew this was a test of sorts. He'd talked to Snape one night after he and Pansy had been snogging, and he had to go to him, completely humiliated, begging for a "relaxing" potion. Snape had, after he finished laughing at Draco, sat him down and given him a talk all about women, and not just the embarrassing technicalities that his mother had told him when he was twelve. Snape told him that Pansy was going to test him, time and time again, and if he failed those tests, he would lose her. One of these tests would probably be about fidelity. Eventually, the tests would get even more ridiculous, like trying to see what sort of father he’d be, or whether he’d love her if she was ugly, or how well he could remember certain dates and anniversaries. Women are just like that, Snape said, and the best thing to do is just comply and pick your battles. Then he recommended a good self-gratification charm, which made Draco blush even more, mutter his thanks and run out the door.

“Fine, but TWO SECONDS after we’ve said our vows, you’ve got to give it up.” Pansy giggled and kissed his cheek. She batted her eyelashes at him. “I promise!” She told him. “It’ll be worth the wait.” She winked at him.

It had better be, he thought to himself. But, he thought, at least he knew that if he could withstand the last year and a half with Pansy and no sex without going insane, certainly this outrageous Muggle project would be a breeze... right?