When Living Ain\'t Easy

Title: When Living Ain\'t Easy

Author: Rowaine (rowained@yahoo.com)

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: A little hint of schmoop, a dash of angst, a touch of non-con, toss rigorously with lime. Add a side helping of mental anguish, garnished with some spicy child abuse. I\'ve tried to stick with canon personalities, but I plan on bringing out the darker side of some traditionally \"Light\" characters.

Pairings: Harry/Severus/Lucius eventually, mentions of others

Setting: For the sake of propriety *cough*, let\'s say it\'s Harry\'s 7th year, making him legal for the upcoming scenes.

Spoilers: Up through HBP, with a few alterations. In my world, Harry sees the \'look\' exchanged between Snape and Dumbledore, and therefore doesn\'t scream murder. Snape remains at Hogwarts as DADA and Head of Slytherin, and Draco Malfoy is not on the run. Other changes will become evident in the first few chapters. *wink* Alright, make that a LOT of alterations. As in, kill most of the last two chapters of HBP and add a few scenes I wish had taken place (which may show up here as flashbacks). It\'s my story and I\'ll bastardize it if I wanna!

Summary: With so much death and destruction surrounding him, Harry\'s mood turns bleak. The only people who see the whole scope of his problems, and can possibly fix them, are the ones whose very lives would be forfeit if they are seen aiding the Boy Who Lived.

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me except for the questionable plot. JKR and her legal eagles can pass out the credit wherever she wants it to go. Also, I rarely skim the line into songfics, but this one just wouldn\'t get out of my head - so, \'Hand Me Down\' is by Matchbox20.

Notes: I\'ve been away from writing in HP fandom for awhile, so if any of the characters seem a touch OOC, it\'s not intentional (unless otherwise indicated). Oh, it\'s also my first time writing a triad - if anyone has suggestions or constructive comments, please send them!

~ * ~

Prologue : Just Our Little Corner of the World

The long train ride home from Hogwarts was made in silence. None of the students had much to say after their beloved (if somewhat insane) Headmaster\'s funeral, silently consoling each other with hugs and compassionate expressions. Even the usually sneering Slytherin contingent stayed quiet for the duration of the trip.

In the last compartment, a group of fifth and sixth year students watched as one of their own drew deep inside himself, closing off from his closest friends. Hermione Granger caught the youngest Weasley\'s eye, the two sharing a look of concern. There was little any of them could do to soothe the agony and guilt that visibly ate away at Harry\'s soul. By unspoken agreement, the Gryffindor girls would speak with their male counterparts and arrange for everyone to take a turn checking in on their unofficial leader.

Harry Potter had once again been forced to witness someone he cared a great deal about being killed. And this time, he was even more torn up over it. Besides the obvious fact of having witnessed Albus Dumbledore\'s death, Harry refused to talk about the details surrounding the horrific event.

Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and most of the DA circle knew that *something* had happened to effect such a deep fugue. They just couldn\'t seem to get anyone to talk. According to Professor (now acting Headmistress) McGonnigal, the perpetrator was apprehended and dealt an immediate sentence... but nothing was issued in public or print from the Ministry telling who did it. The facts all pointed to Harry -- not as the murderer, but as an eyewitness sworn to secrecy. Whatever the case, their friend needed his support group more than ever before.

Ginny motioned toward her skirt pocket, while she still held Hermione\'s attention. That little indicator was sufficient for the brilliant young witch, an assurance that the previous evening\'s plans would be put into motion as soon as their trunks were deposited at home. It had been exhausting, but the last night\'s 2am meeting had certainly bore fruit. Between Ginny and Ron, Hermione, Luna Lovegood, Dean, Seamus and Terry, the inner clique of DA members drew together several workable solutions to keeping in touch over the summer. Now if they could only convince Harry to use them!

~ * ~

The object of their concern was far from oblivious.

Britain\'s reluctant wizarding hero allowed himself a long-suffering mental sigh, followed it by a rude raspberry and an eyeroll, then conceded that he probably warranted his friends\' worry. Harry knew he hadn\'t been acting his normal self, but who could blame him? Especially after the events of last year at the Ministry...

It had taken long months for him to trust the elderly wizard again. And just when Harry and Dumbledore had finally regained a decent relationship, the barmy old man has to get himself killed. In the literal sense. From his vantage point on the Astronomy Tower floor, Harry watched in Stupified horror as his mentor ordered his own death.

He hadn\'t wanted to believe it at first, ranting and raving about Snape\'s cold-blooded Killing Curse to his Head of House. McGonnigal had serenely given him a Calming Potion and told him to *think*. Think about why it might be necessary. Think about the pain Dumbledore must\'ve been suffering from the lingering effects of Slytherin\'s curse. Think about Draco Malfoy\'s reluctance to do the deed. Think about the pain he\'d briefly glimpsed in Snape\'s eyes. Think.

And so he had, coming up with a number of impossible scenarios that made more sense than the actual event.

A soft snap of metal resounded throughout the compartment, drawing Harry from his introspection. He saw his closest friends exchanging glances, never once looking directly at him. This did not bode well for the Boy Who Lived. With the brilliant intellect of Hermione, Ron\'s strategic genius, Ginny\'s almost Slytherin cunning, and Luna\'s inexplicable way of seeing to the heart of any matter, Harry knew that he would soon be the target for some scheme. Probably to keep in contact over the summer months, his friends wanting to make sure he wasn\'t suicidal or something equally dramatic.

Beating them to the punchline, Harry raked the lot of them with a piercing green sweep of the room. He cleared his throat and briefly wished for a tall mug of icy pumpkin juice, then addressed the group. \"Hey guys, you don\'t have to go to so much trouble. It\'s not like... last year, ok? There\'s just so much going on, under all these complicated layers, and no, I can\'t tell you. Gods, it\'d be so much easier if I could, but I promised.\"

Taking a deep breath to halt his rambling, he focussed moist eyes on his knees. \"Think about it, \'specially you, \'Mione. Just find the who\'s and why\'s and how\'s. Do *not* talk it out around parents or siblings, and make sure you\'re in a secure room. But don\'t ask me anything, alright? No kidding, I\'m fine, just... got to plan alot this summer.\"

Harry drew his eyes back toward his friends, giving them a tiny smile. \"Thanks for being supportive and, just, *here*. It means alot to me.\" In seconds, the Gryffindor Seeker found himself the center of a sniffling group hug.

His friends reassured, Harry almost found himself feeling guilty for having told half-truths. Almost. With as little information as they had, he didn\'t figure they could come up with any conclusions that would take them near the actual facts. He prayed that their search would keep them occupied and off his back for the entire holidays, for Harry Potter had several hard decisions to make, and no one with whom he felt comfortable to talk them over. The latest developments went beyond what he was willing to inflict on his friends, however eager they may be to assist. No, Harry knew he was on his own. And something about that felt right.

~ * ~

Hundreds of miles in the opposite direction, in a run-down cottage near the Western coast of Scotland, two wizards stood facing each other. Their expressions gave nothing away, even as shock and suspicion ran rampant through their minds. From years of acquaintence, each knew the other\'s weaknesses and strengths, knew where to hit for best effect. If this meeting turned into a confrontation, neither side would emerge unscathed.

Deep black-brown eyes met silver as a smooth, cultured voice asked, \"Lucius, may I inquire as to how you managed this latest escape from the tender mercies of Azkaban\'s guard?\"

Pale lips parted to speak, but only the barest of sounds issued forth. The darker wizard conjured a glass of cool water and handed it to his bedraggled companion. Taking small sips, the Malfoy patriarch soothed his ragged vocal chords before again attempting to talk. He raised weary grey eyes to lock with those of his long-time friend, letting just enough magic flow from him to indicate his mental shields being lowered. A weak smirk was all he had energy to offer, as his fellow wizard\'s shock fairly thundered throughout the room.

\"Believe it or not, I too am a guest here. Only a week before... the ceremony... I received a guest in my luxurious accomodations.\" Breaking off his monologue for a round of hacking coughs, Lucius leaned against a sheet-covered couch until the spasms passed. He took another few sips of water and began again. \"He was very upfront, both with information and his own opinions -- more forthright than I\'ve ever encountered from the old man -- and he explained in great detail what I was to accomplish and to whom I must go if ever I needed assistance. Hence my visit today.\"

\"Dumbledore. Sent you. To me.\" Every syllable dripped with disbelief.

A slightly wider smirk graced Lucius\' haunted features for a short time. \"Yes, Severus. We have much to discuss before next term begins at Hogwarts.\"

~ * ~

How\'s it sound so far? Yeah, I\'m rusty and in need of some feedback. This is perhaps the only time I will formally ask for reviews. As you may have noticed, I also have no beta-reader. My spelling and grammar are generally good, but my use of Britishisms is sorely lacking -- Texan, go figure. *snicker*