Snape's Intervention.
folder
Harry Potter › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
4
Views:
5,898
Reviews:
53
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Harry Potter › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
4
Views:
5,898
Reviews:
53
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Snape's Intervention
A/N: First ever fic guys! Hope I covered everything in my story codes. This is pretty bad, so if you are easliy offended don't read. Also this has spoilers for HBP.
Disclaimer-I do not own HP or any of its characters- those are JK's, some of these themes in here are parodied off the Skippy List as well and I dont own that either.
PS- I might add more to this, I might not, if you want to add to this just email me everything you want to add and will be happy to post and give you full credits.
-----------------------------------------------
Snape’s Intervention.
“Professor, we need to talk.” Said a bossy voice from somewhere amidst the darkness.
Suddenly Professor Severus Snape felt two pairs of arms push him back into a chair and he heard a soft click as the lights turned on, illuminating the scene before him.
Standing in front of him was that self-absorbed little know-it-all Hermione Granger, and on either side of his chair stood the drunkard Hagrid, and that one Weasly kid. What the hell was his name again? Snape thought that he had been referring to him as “Harry’s bitch”. Speaking of which, standing in a semi-circle around him was Dumbledore and the rest of the staff, the rest of the Weasly children, Draco Malfoy and some other Slytherins, and a few scared first years with that little poser of a hero Potter standing in front of them.
“Ahem,” said Dumbledore, with a twinkle in his eyes which Snape was sure was from the Ecstasy. ‘Lemon drops my ass’ he thought. “I believe you realize why we are all here Severus?”
“Yes,” He replied dully. Then with sarcasm he said ,“ but I didn’t know you’d be here- I mean the note said I’d have to be open to new things but your not exactly new are you?” He quietly cursed himself, he had to have known that an invitation to a dungeon orgy was just too good to be true.
“It’s an intervention, Severus!” Said a highly affronted and very strict voice, coming from that hag Mcgonagall.
“Yer been causin’ more troubles dan yer worth!” Boomed Hagrid, with murmurs of agreement following his statement. At this, Potter stepped forward and dropped a long roll of parchment on his lap.
“This is a list of things that pertain to you, and things that have happened this year.”
Said Hermione, her voice tentative as if she was walking on eggshells.
“You have to read it aloud to all of us” said Fred, standing next to his twin.
“ And promise to abide by it.” Finished George, and Snape swore he had just seen him take his hand of his brothers ass a moment ago.
Grudgingly, Snape picked up the roll of parchment, and doing so noticed that his wand was gone. He looked and saw that the little ferret Draco had it, he must have snatched it from his pocket when the lights where out, using his hand of glory. Seeing that there was no way out, he began to read.
“A List of things that I, Professor Severus Snape Promise to never again do and/or say. Also including rules that I must remember to follow.
1. Hagrid’s Hut is not an appropriate place for orgies.
2. **Especially** when Hagrid is still in said Hut.
3. I am the “Potions Master”, not the “Lotions Master.”
4. The goblet of fire is not a revel fire, therefore I should not dance naked around it.
5. The transfiguration teachers name is “Professor Mcgonagall”, not “Unholy Bitch of Darkness.”
6. The Dark Mark doesn’t burn when I’m horny.
7. Too much information, or TMI does apply to Professor Snape.
8. First years should not be used to put out potion fires.
9. Nor should Harry’s robes.
10. **Especially** when he is still in said robes.
11. I should not rename students after South Park characters.
12. Even if Harry is BIG and GAY and looks a hell of a lot more like an AL than a Harry anyway.
13. Just because I look like a bat, does not mean I can fly.
14. There is nothing in my front pocket for anyone.
15. No part of any Weasly’s genitalia is an ingredient for any potion.
16. I am not allowed to sing, “Like a Virgin,” during the Slytherin Common Room’s karaoke night.
17. My lesson plan does not include, “even putting a stopper in Harry’s ass.”
18. I am not “Lord Voldy’s Bitch.” Lucius is.
19. I am not Santa, and therefore am not allowed to use floo powder to appear in any houses common room fire on Christmas Eve wearing nothing but a red Santa hat and declaring “It is better to give head, than to receive!”
20. I am the “Potions Master”, not the “Motions Master.” Of course, not if you ask Lucius.
21. The headmasters name is Dumbledore, not Dumble-whore.
22. Potions class is for the study and creation of potions, not public debates over Blaise Zabini’s gender.
23. I am not allowed to use the words : Weasly, Twins, Fred or George together in any sentence with the words: incest, sex, and groping,
24. Bezoars are not to be used as anal beads, and it is wrong to tell 1st years that they are.
25. I am never allowed to “feel the breeze between my knees.”
26. The Dark Mark is not a hickey, and therefore I am not allowed to flaunt it.
27. I am not allowed to purposefully misunderstand “Professor Snape” into “Professor Rape” and then act accordingly.
28. My hair does not make me look like Catherine Zeta Jones from that movie “Chicago.”
29. I am not aloud to use legilimency on students and therefore am not allowed to take away house points for students impure thoughts.
30. Nor may I voice these thoughts aloud.
31. Actually, death, maiming and the interference of the Dark Lord are all good excuses for lateness in my class.
32. No one cares that James used to rape me, so I will stop bitching about it.
33. I should not line Hermione Granger’s textbooks with images of porn.
34. I am not allowed to break down in the Great Hall during any meal and confess my undying love for any student, teacher and/or animal.
35. I am no longer allowed to sing “ whooaa, anybody else, when I think about you I touch myself, whoaa” when around Draco Malfoy.
36. The Slytherin Quidditch Team does not have any cheerleaders, therefore I am not one of them.
37. I can not give Ron Weasly orgasms in his sleep.
38. I am not allowed to slap anyone’s ass in public without permission to do so first.
39. I am not allowed to slap anyone’s ass without permission to do so first, in private either.
40. I am not allowed to slap my own ass in public, even with my own permission to do so first.
41. “Brewing Glory” has nothing to do with bodily fluids.
42. Bananas are for mealtimes only.
43. No sex at mealtimes.
44. One day I promise to wash my hair, one day.
45. I must not make Neville piss himself by back handing him.
46. I must not make Neville piss himself by coming on to him.
47. Medival witch burnings are not to be re-enacted in class.
48. I am not allowed to reveal HBP spoilers to those who haven’t read the book.
49. I am not Zorro.
50. On windy days, I must wear pants under my robes.
51. I have no boobs, and therefore do not require a bra.
52. I am not allowed to make bras mandatory apparel for all of my students.
53. I may not bitch slap Harry across the face.
54. I may not bitch slap Harry across any part of his body.
55. I can’t use a whip on my students.
56. I can’t use a whip on Mcgonagall, even though she likes it.
57. “Once you pop, you just can’t stop” is a poor excuse for repeated public masturbation.
58. I should not imply that because Ronald Weasly likes Hermione Granger, he loves bush.
59. I am in no way “a barbie girl, in a barbie world.”
60. I am not allowed to write and/or distribute fanfiction about myself to anyone.
61. The “golden trio” is not famous for giving out “golden showers” and I should not imply to others that it is.
62. I am not allowed to yell “Take that cobra!” during duels with the forces of evil.
63. I am to stop referring to Ron as “Harry’s bitch.”
64. My impersonation of Shaq gets old after about three weeks.
65. I am not allowed to saddle up Firenze and ride him down the halls.
66. I can not take away house points for figments of my imagination.
67. My teddy bear, and other bedtime stuffed animals have no place in the potions classroom.
68. I do not have a “big black ass”, and therefore am not allowed to shake it.
69. I will not instigate revolution.
70. The following words apply to potion making and I should not tell my students otherwise:
Clockwise, counter-clockwise, heat, bubbling, magical herbs and fungi, brewing , vapor and runny.
71. Hogwarts does not have a homecoming, therefore I am not homecoming Queen.
72. I am not allowed to casually sit down next to Ginny Weasly and start talking about my sex life in great detail.
73. Students are never to be used as puppets.
74. Therefore I must keep my hands to myself.
75. I must not saddle up Hagrid and ride him down the halls.
76. PMS, is not a good excuse for anything.
77. No one wants to see me naked. Except Lucius.
78. I am not allowed to be anywhere near Ronald Weasly when he is asleep, because I cannot control myself.
79. Darth Vader is not my Father.
80. I am not allowed to kill Dumbledore. WHOOOPS! *wink wink*”
“ I believe that about covers it Severus.” said Dumbledore, who then proceeded to grab a hold of a first year and say. “God, you are so beautiful, everything is beautiful. Want me to tell you what the most powerful weapon of all is *giggle*.” The first year pissed himself.
“Yes, I will abide by these rules headmaster, you have my word.” Snape said, leaning down in to a bow to conceal his small grin between his two sheets of oily hair.
“We will be watching you Severus.” Macgonagall said with a wary look in her eye.
“You best keep your word Snape!” Added Harry.
“THAT IS PROFESSOR SNAPE!” Roared Dumbledore, popping another peice of “candy” into his mouth and settling down.
Before anything else was said though, Snape quickly exited the room, hardly able to continue holding a straight face. Only once he was out of the dungeon and was back in his office did he finally laugh.
“Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! Those rules hardly covered my plans, they were pathetic, so many loopholes, so little time. I will have my fun yet!”
With that, and the hovering erection he couldn’t seem to shake due to his recent “chastisement”, he fell asleep.
THE END?
--------------------------------
A/N- R&R if you feel like it. Ok who am I kidding, pleez rate and review, I will not add more to this if no one likes it, 'cuz I'd rather put my effort into a different story. Oh, and if anyone wants to distribute this, I dont really care, as long as you say I wrote it and you dont change it, you can do whatever the hell you want with it as long as it is within reason. If your not sure, just ask me. It's not like I'm making any money. Guess I'll just to pimp out Snape to rabid fangirls instead.
Disclaimer-I do not own HP or any of its characters- those are JK's, some of these themes in here are parodied off the Skippy List as well and I dont own that either.
PS- I might add more to this, I might not, if you want to add to this just email me everything you want to add and will be happy to post and give you full credits.
-----------------------------------------------
Snape’s Intervention.
“Professor, we need to talk.” Said a bossy voice from somewhere amidst the darkness.
Suddenly Professor Severus Snape felt two pairs of arms push him back into a chair and he heard a soft click as the lights turned on, illuminating the scene before him.
Standing in front of him was that self-absorbed little know-it-all Hermione Granger, and on either side of his chair stood the drunkard Hagrid, and that one Weasly kid. What the hell was his name again? Snape thought that he had been referring to him as “Harry’s bitch”. Speaking of which, standing in a semi-circle around him was Dumbledore and the rest of the staff, the rest of the Weasly children, Draco Malfoy and some other Slytherins, and a few scared first years with that little poser of a hero Potter standing in front of them.
“Ahem,” said Dumbledore, with a twinkle in his eyes which Snape was sure was from the Ecstasy. ‘Lemon drops my ass’ he thought. “I believe you realize why we are all here Severus?”
“Yes,” He replied dully. Then with sarcasm he said ,“ but I didn’t know you’d be here- I mean the note said I’d have to be open to new things but your not exactly new are you?” He quietly cursed himself, he had to have known that an invitation to a dungeon orgy was just too good to be true.
“It’s an intervention, Severus!” Said a highly affronted and very strict voice, coming from that hag Mcgonagall.
“Yer been causin’ more troubles dan yer worth!” Boomed Hagrid, with murmurs of agreement following his statement. At this, Potter stepped forward and dropped a long roll of parchment on his lap.
“This is a list of things that pertain to you, and things that have happened this year.”
Said Hermione, her voice tentative as if she was walking on eggshells.
“You have to read it aloud to all of us” said Fred, standing next to his twin.
“ And promise to abide by it.” Finished George, and Snape swore he had just seen him take his hand of his brothers ass a moment ago.
Grudgingly, Snape picked up the roll of parchment, and doing so noticed that his wand was gone. He looked and saw that the little ferret Draco had it, he must have snatched it from his pocket when the lights where out, using his hand of glory. Seeing that there was no way out, he began to read.
“A List of things that I, Professor Severus Snape Promise to never again do and/or say. Also including rules that I must remember to follow.
1. Hagrid’s Hut is not an appropriate place for orgies.
2. **Especially** when Hagrid is still in said Hut.
3. I am the “Potions Master”, not the “Lotions Master.”
4. The goblet of fire is not a revel fire, therefore I should not dance naked around it.
5. The transfiguration teachers name is “Professor Mcgonagall”, not “Unholy Bitch of Darkness.”
6. The Dark Mark doesn’t burn when I’m horny.
7. Too much information, or TMI does apply to Professor Snape.
8. First years should not be used to put out potion fires.
9. Nor should Harry’s robes.
10. **Especially** when he is still in said robes.
11. I should not rename students after South Park characters.
12. Even if Harry is BIG and GAY and looks a hell of a lot more like an AL than a Harry anyway.
13. Just because I look like a bat, does not mean I can fly.
14. There is nothing in my front pocket for anyone.
15. No part of any Weasly’s genitalia is an ingredient for any potion.
16. I am not allowed to sing, “Like a Virgin,” during the Slytherin Common Room’s karaoke night.
17. My lesson plan does not include, “even putting a stopper in Harry’s ass.”
18. I am not “Lord Voldy’s Bitch.” Lucius is.
19. I am not Santa, and therefore am not allowed to use floo powder to appear in any houses common room fire on Christmas Eve wearing nothing but a red Santa hat and declaring “It is better to give head, than to receive!”
20. I am the “Potions Master”, not the “Motions Master.” Of course, not if you ask Lucius.
21. The headmasters name is Dumbledore, not Dumble-whore.
22. Potions class is for the study and creation of potions, not public debates over Blaise Zabini’s gender.
23. I am not allowed to use the words : Weasly, Twins, Fred or George together in any sentence with the words: incest, sex, and groping,
24. Bezoars are not to be used as anal beads, and it is wrong to tell 1st years that they are.
25. I am never allowed to “feel the breeze between my knees.”
26. The Dark Mark is not a hickey, and therefore I am not allowed to flaunt it.
27. I am not allowed to purposefully misunderstand “Professor Snape” into “Professor Rape” and then act accordingly.
28. My hair does not make me look like Catherine Zeta Jones from that movie “Chicago.”
29. I am not aloud to use legilimency on students and therefore am not allowed to take away house points for students impure thoughts.
30. Nor may I voice these thoughts aloud.
31. Actually, death, maiming and the interference of the Dark Lord are all good excuses for lateness in my class.
32. No one cares that James used to rape me, so I will stop bitching about it.
33. I should not line Hermione Granger’s textbooks with images of porn.
34. I am not allowed to break down in the Great Hall during any meal and confess my undying love for any student, teacher and/or animal.
35. I am no longer allowed to sing “ whooaa, anybody else, when I think about you I touch myself, whoaa” when around Draco Malfoy.
36. The Slytherin Quidditch Team does not have any cheerleaders, therefore I am not one of them.
37. I can not give Ron Weasly orgasms in his sleep.
38. I am not allowed to slap anyone’s ass in public without permission to do so first.
39. I am not allowed to slap anyone’s ass without permission to do so first, in private either.
40. I am not allowed to slap my own ass in public, even with my own permission to do so first.
41. “Brewing Glory” has nothing to do with bodily fluids.
42. Bananas are for mealtimes only.
43. No sex at mealtimes.
44. One day I promise to wash my hair, one day.
45. I must not make Neville piss himself by back handing him.
46. I must not make Neville piss himself by coming on to him.
47. Medival witch burnings are not to be re-enacted in class.
48. I am not allowed to reveal HBP spoilers to those who haven’t read the book.
49. I am not Zorro.
50. On windy days, I must wear pants under my robes.
51. I have no boobs, and therefore do not require a bra.
52. I am not allowed to make bras mandatory apparel for all of my students.
53. I may not bitch slap Harry across the face.
54. I may not bitch slap Harry across any part of his body.
55. I can’t use a whip on my students.
56. I can’t use a whip on Mcgonagall, even though she likes it.
57. “Once you pop, you just can’t stop” is a poor excuse for repeated public masturbation.
58. I should not imply that because Ronald Weasly likes Hermione Granger, he loves bush.
59. I am in no way “a barbie girl, in a barbie world.”
60. I am not allowed to write and/or distribute fanfiction about myself to anyone.
61. The “golden trio” is not famous for giving out “golden showers” and I should not imply to others that it is.
62. I am not allowed to yell “Take that cobra!” during duels with the forces of evil.
63. I am to stop referring to Ron as “Harry’s bitch.”
64. My impersonation of Shaq gets old after about three weeks.
65. I am not allowed to saddle up Firenze and ride him down the halls.
66. I can not take away house points for figments of my imagination.
67. My teddy bear, and other bedtime stuffed animals have no place in the potions classroom.
68. I do not have a “big black ass”, and therefore am not allowed to shake it.
69. I will not instigate revolution.
70. The following words apply to potion making and I should not tell my students otherwise:
Clockwise, counter-clockwise, heat, bubbling, magical herbs and fungi, brewing , vapor and runny.
71. Hogwarts does not have a homecoming, therefore I am not homecoming Queen.
72. I am not allowed to casually sit down next to Ginny Weasly and start talking about my sex life in great detail.
73. Students are never to be used as puppets.
74. Therefore I must keep my hands to myself.
75. I must not saddle up Hagrid and ride him down the halls.
76. PMS, is not a good excuse for anything.
77. No one wants to see me naked. Except Lucius.
78. I am not allowed to be anywhere near Ronald Weasly when he is asleep, because I cannot control myself.
79. Darth Vader is not my Father.
80. I am not allowed to kill Dumbledore. WHOOOPS! *wink wink*”
“ I believe that about covers it Severus.” said Dumbledore, who then proceeded to grab a hold of a first year and say. “God, you are so beautiful, everything is beautiful. Want me to tell you what the most powerful weapon of all is *giggle*.” The first year pissed himself.
“Yes, I will abide by these rules headmaster, you have my word.” Snape said, leaning down in to a bow to conceal his small grin between his two sheets of oily hair.
“We will be watching you Severus.” Macgonagall said with a wary look in her eye.
“You best keep your word Snape!” Added Harry.
“THAT IS PROFESSOR SNAPE!” Roared Dumbledore, popping another peice of “candy” into his mouth and settling down.
Before anything else was said though, Snape quickly exited the room, hardly able to continue holding a straight face. Only once he was out of the dungeon and was back in his office did he finally laugh.
“Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! Those rules hardly covered my plans, they were pathetic, so many loopholes, so little time. I will have my fun yet!”
With that, and the hovering erection he couldn’t seem to shake due to his recent “chastisement”, he fell asleep.
THE END?
--------------------------------
A/N- R&R if you feel like it. Ok who am I kidding, pleez rate and review, I will not add more to this if no one likes it, 'cuz I'd rather put my effort into a different story. Oh, and if anyone wants to distribute this, I dont really care, as long as you say I wrote it and you dont change it, you can do whatever the hell you want with it as long as it is within reason. If your not sure, just ask me. It's not like I'm making any money. Guess I'll just to pimp out Snape to rabid fangirls instead.