Shades of Darkness and Light

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We have always hated each other. Since the first day we met I disliked them. What was there to like about them anyway? They were bossy, cold and arrogant. They thought they are the king of the world. Their ego was, is bigger then anyone else\'s I know.
They hated me and I hated them. Probably the only thing we had in common. Maybe with the exception of sports, but even there we were enemies. The difference was too big, like a huge valley filled with broken dreams and the color gray.

I like gray. It doesn\'t tell you anything and yet speaks volumes. It isn\'t a dark black, nor is it a bright white. Neither a consuming darkness that would swallow you whole. Neither a blinding light that would burn you. Just the perfect color.

They hated everything about me, but never told me why. It is not like I cared. As long as they stayed out of my way I was fine with it. But noooooooo. They always wanted confrontations. It felt like they looked for me so they could insult me. And when I tried to block them out and pretend they are not there they would hex me.

Everyone knew we hated each other. There was no denying it. Hell! Even those who founded our houses were enemies! I am glad I have made my own decision back then. How long has it been? Seems ages, but it was only six years. They offered me their friendship, but at the same time they insulted those who were nice to me in the first place.

So I refused. Their eyes regarded me with hate and loathing ever since then.

The attention everyone gave me drove me up the walls. Why wouldn\'t everyone just leave me be and focus on their own life? Are they that pathetic that they have to interfere with everything that has to do with me or what? Ever so often I wish I would be somewhere alone. Where no one would bother me.

I wanted to be alone so much it hurt at times. There was always someone at me side and I could never really think. My friends. Those who thought of me as their friend, which I wasn\'t. Someone who wanted to hear all of my \"tragic past\". Or they.

Someone was always there. A few months ago it didn\'t bother me that much, but since my godfather, the only family I had left, died no one had left my side for a moment. Ha! They probably thought I would kill myself to be with him. I am not suicidal!

Ok. Maybe I am. But not that much. I have to do something to know that I am still alive. The first time I cut my finger by an accident it hurt, but not much. The faint pain flowed through my body like a wave and I couldn\'t help but stare at the tiny drop of blood on my finger.

That was how it began. A week later I scratched myself on a nail and this time the cut was deeper. Blood trickled down my wrist and the beauty of it captivated me. The next day I found a pocketknife I got from my godfather. It was still sharp as ever and I cut myself for the first time on purpose.

I had a hard time hiding it at first, but with time it got easier. No one noticed. That was when I realized that no one really knew me. Not even my two best friends.

At the end of my sixth year I had to go back to my so called \"family\". I would never consider any of them a relative, even if it would be the last thing in my life. My last family member died a year ago and even though I might have considered my friends as a family, no one was ever close to me like Sirius.

In the summer between my sixth and seventh year I became more of a loner. The only I talked the most to was Remus. He understood what I was going through. He had no family either. He was cursed till the end of his life. He lost all of his friends. We were so much alike. And even though he was old enough to be my father he looks pretty young.

No. I don\'t have the hots for my ex-professor.

He noticed the changes in me, but said nothing. And I was thankful for that. Would he try to do anything I would have probably left my godfather\'s house. Cruel, leaving him alone in that thing, yes, but I no longer had the warmth in me I used to have.

I became a coldhearted bastard.

A week before my 17th birthday the Weasleys, Hermione and few aurors I befriended came. Tonks, Alastor \"Mad-Eye\" Moody and Kingsley. All exited to see me again. And I was never alone.

And it made me furious. I wanted privacy! I wanted time to think! To be anywhere but with people. Everywhere I went someone was always with me or already there. I couldn\'t wait to get away from all of this. Even if it meant to be around more people. They at least didn\'t bother me 24/7. And even if it meant that I would fall into the endless sleep-eat-study circle. ActuallyI was looking forward to it.

Though, on the other side it would mean I would see them again. I didn\'t mind as much as I probably should. But I didn\'t like it either. And when I think of the upcoming Potions classes! The seventh year would probably be the hardest. No. It will be the hardest for sure!

But I could play Quidditch! One of the few things that I could do and be myself. Feel free of all the invisible restraints. I didn\'t even mind when we were playing against their house. We usually won anyway. They are a seeker themselves. And even though I hate to admit it, they were good. And I hated myself for admiring them.

On my birthday I wasn\'t able to take a few steps without someone jumping into my way and congratulating me. I have been so close to using one of the Unforgivable Curses! For a moment I even considered going to Diagon Alley and staying there for the rest of the month. But that would leave Remus all alone.

Do you know who showed up too? I never thought I would see him before the new, and my last, school year began. Severus Snape showed up on my birthday. I knew Remus would need the Wolfsbane soon, but I though Snape would send it after someone. That he came personally was a surprise. But I didn\'t mind as much as I probably should.

Ron and Hermione are another story, though. They avoided him as if he would have the plague. And I think so did everyone else except for Remus. He even offered him to stay a few days. I was stunned when I saw Snape tilt his had slightly to the side, say yes and smile. Smile! I never saw him smile like that before. Smirks, mocking grins, but never a real smile. I had to admit he looked good. Younger. Almost handsome.

The evening everyone went to bed already, but I wasn\'t in the mood for sleep yet. I threw on a pair of faded blue jeans and a black sleeveless shirt. A black sweat band on my wrist just to make sure no one saw the old sacrs and new cuts. As I went downstairs I saw Snape sitting with his back to me on the sofa, reading a Potions book. No big surprise there. I went to the kitchen and got myself a can beer out of the fridge.

I gave one particular thought a few seconds and then took out a second can. Then I went back to the living room where Snape was. I walked to him and placed the can on the table in front of him. He looked up from his book and raised an eyebrow at me.

\"What? Never saw a can of beer before?\" I sneered at him He scowled.

\"Don\'t be rude, Potter. It might be your birthday, but I am still your professor.\"

\"Right now it is the middle of summer and we still have a month to go back to all this crap.\"

I took a gulp of my beer and sat down into a comfy chair.

\"Aren\'t you a bit too young to drink any sort of alcohol?\"

\"Maybe. And maybe I am too young to fight someone like Voldemort.\" He smirked and nodded in understanding. Then he took the can of beer and opened it.

\"You changed, Potter.\" I smiled.

I knew I changed a lot. I let my hair grow out over the year and now it was tied into a low ponytail. Hermione helped me to get contact lenses. The first time I put those things in my eyes it stung, but now I am a pro. The glasses were still on my bedside table. I grew a few inches too. My attitude changed a lot, but I didn\'t let anything show much. I simply avoided people more then before.

\"You\'re right. I did. But so did you. And would it hurt that much to call me by my given name?\" He seemed deep in thoughts for a moment. The he simply nodded and raised the can.

\"Cheers.\"

\"Cheers.\" The cans gave a soft ring and I smiled. We talked for hours and when I looked at the old grandfather clock I was shocked that it would announce four a.m. son. I couldn\'t suppress a yawn and Snape sent me to bed. As I walked up the stairs he called after me.

\"Happy Birthday, Harry!\" And threw a small package at me. I caught it with ease, my skills as a seeker didn\'t falter a bit. When I looked back at the place where Snape was, he was gone. And the clock struck four.

Once in my room I threw myself on the bed. I did a locking charm on the door and turned on the lamp on the bedside table. The present from Snape felt light and I had no idea what my Potions professor had given me. A potion? No. It was too light for that. Instead of guessing I unwrapped the silver foil from it and revealed a dark green box.

A smirk crossed my lips. The colours of the Slytherin house. I opened it and something fell into my hand. A chain. A golden chain with a pendant on it.

I raised it closer to my eyes so I could take a better look at the pendant. It looked nice. A golden lion and a golden snake. The snake was partly entwined around the lion. It\'s tail started above the lion\'s head, twinning in a circle around the beast and then coming eye to eye with it. Their eyes. The lion had a red gem for an eye and the snake a green one. The snake\'s scales were very detailed and the fur of the lion seemed almost real.

It wasn\'t nice, I decided. It was beautiful. Who would have thought that Snape had a sense of fashion? I immediately put it on. But I didn\'t have any time to admire myself in a mirror. Sleep took me over and as my head hit the pillow, within minutes I knew nothing of the outside world and fell into another nightmare\'s embrace.

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