Chapter 11.
Kvarta,
ai think I prefer Snapes pov, it's funnier and banana bit was hilarious! I laughed out loud, how can they be so oblivious to each other's reactions?
If you continue eating that banana…I joined Death Eaters for far less -this is just perfect hahahaha
Ant little fixes:
how would be to “unwrap” her -would it be
The right side is tingling from shoulder to the toes in booths. -His...was...in his boots. (booths appear again few lines below)
She pays with a damn quill -plays
just a portion less experience -fraction (sounds better), experienced
With newly gained respect toward the idiots he had to teach, left the lecture.-he left -missing word
but he felt good by making black curled girl happy. She slid each ornament on the round strip of leader -curly black haired, leather
Small meticulous licks that caught ever droplet -every
He had feeling that -had a feeling
suck on instead banana -instead of
beaters bath -bat
I have forty not fifteen -I am
not to mention down right embracing -I think it should be "embarrassing"
Fox xx
P.S.
Thanks for letting me know you're fine with my fixes. I was starting to fear, that I was being presumptuous.
Chapter 12.
At fucking last! Severus! It's bed time!
I really like how you constructed this chapter. How all the memories of the night are coming back in bits, resurface from the sea of mist.
It's also a little funny, how it's Severus, who is running in the morning... Most of the time it is a woman waking up in the morning, thinking "OMG what have I done!"
I don't think you should be nervous about your sex scenes, this was very good. I think, for you to believe in your skills as an author, you need to write more of the sexy scenes...much more -for your benefit only -OBVIOUSLY! ;-)
And little fixes:
he wasn’t feel this relaxed in years…decades even. -he wasn't this relaxed OR he didn't feel this relaxed
His eyes darted his from her dancing breasts to her face and back. -delete second "his"
She was so exquisitely thigh. -tight
He continued to slam at her -into
The damn was broken -dam (as in water barrier)
Is hips moved of their own accord -his
Fox xx
P.S.
I would love to read the rest right now, but it's 1.30 AM and I teach in the morning. So... good night. Speak to you tomorrow.
Fox
Good ending! I really enjoyed your story! You're a great author, and the dialogues are very good :) I'll be sure to Read your future stories. And lastly, I just wanted to say that I admired your writing discipline with the new chapters :) Have a lovely day
Don;t know why I didn't read this til now , but man was I wrong this was awesome !!!!!!! thanks so much for the story 1!!!!!!:):):)
As good as always! I'm looking forward to know how you Will end all of this :)
It feels like a great hug, a sweet one. They need sweetness too :)
Good writing, as always! And the sexy scene are fine! REALLY fine ;)
I support you 100% in your attempt to quit smoking, it's Wise.
Those last chapters were great! I hope they Will realise their feelings are mutual soon :)
Great turn of event, I like it :)
I like your story very much! Good plot, you don't give it away too quickly :)
I'm looking forward for the next chapter!