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November 10, 2015 at 12:00 AM
I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this story! I love it so much that I couldn't stop reading it all the way through! Thank you for writing this! How do I get automated emails for when an author updates on this site? Is that even possible?
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June 24, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Oh come on! The suspensender is killing me!
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June 18, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Um... Wasn't there more chapters?9
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June 16, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Okay, love. I enjoyed this story well enough, but I have to be honest.
I had to force myself to get through you using a masculine pronoun after Jewel first pronounced herself transgendered. You should have begun then and there to start referring to her as female in your text, unless the point of view was either Harry or Draco trying to figure it out or being negative toward Jewel's decisions. And then it was just that much more offensive when you started using feminine pronouns only after explaining that Jewel was hermaphrodite. You had to make her at least half biological female to justify using the female pronoun in reference to her? That's just a little transphobic as a writer, and you should learn more about the correct grammatical pronouns when referring to transgendered people. I understand hermaphrodites exist, and I don't want to display phobia toward them. It's just that your pronoun usage in general is offensive. If you don't know which to say, use "their", "zir", or any of the others that are popularly being used now in accepted literature.
But alas, I got through it and got over it once you righted Jewel's pronouns. I enjoyed the plot with Narcissus performing murder/suicide, and Lucius never changing the will. But i think you could've told the story in a much more exciting way, building slowly to the death of Draco's parents, highlighting and lingering just a little bit longer on the scandal of Draco's father having many kids. Like show more interactions from the Weasleys, what they thought of this if they were to learn. A more dramatic reaction between Harry and Draco when some of these realizations are coming to light. And speaking of them, they moved too quick. It's almost unbelievable. Slow it down. Yes, there could be a residual love there all along, but it wouldn't just blossom out after two days. That's fairy tale bullshit, which makes your story hard to relate to.
Yes, this would mean a longer story, but I promise you could really improve on your writing if you just slow down the progression of your events just enough to put slightly more emphasis on the twists and turns in your story line. Keep the reader hanging long and strong, waiting with bated breath for the next bit of the story, instead of just slapping the reader in the face with the next bit in a heartbeat. It's like problem, solution five seconds later, new problem, solution five seconds later. Let the obstacles in your stories stay for a moment to keep your reader hanging on the line for a minute, before you present the happy ending. I just felt like the problems worked themselves out too quickly, it almost felt a little rushed, skimming quickly over the exciting bits. Like you were trying to fit too much information in too little room. 17 chapters is lengthy, but I still think it would really do something well for the quality of your story to focus a little more on the smaller details.
Although, I LOVED that Harry fucked Draco's bother unwittingly before he ever fucked Draco, much to Draco's chagrin. You did really well with the big bangs and surprisingly dropping the information on the reader, giving little hints here and there as to what may happen at the beginning. But somewhere mid-way through, you just started moving all the relationships and the story as well on a little too fast. Or maybe that's just when I started to notice due to the gender fuck up?
I hope this helped rather than hurt. I'm not trying to criticize hatefully or anything. I just really think you have a lot of potential, and you're just not letting it show completely. Feel lucky. I hardly give fictions the time of day to review anymore. But you're the lucky one. It's just 'cause I think you got something, you just gotta let it flower.
I had to force myself to get through you using a masculine pronoun after Jewel first pronounced herself transgendered. You should have begun then and there to start referring to her as female in your text, unless the point of view was either Harry or Draco trying to figure it out or being negative toward Jewel's decisions. And then it was just that much more offensive when you started using feminine pronouns only after explaining that Jewel was hermaphrodite. You had to make her at least half biological female to justify using the female pronoun in reference to her? That's just a little transphobic as a writer, and you should learn more about the correct grammatical pronouns when referring to transgendered people. I understand hermaphrodites exist, and I don't want to display phobia toward them. It's just that your pronoun usage in general is offensive. If you don't know which to say, use "their", "zir", or any of the others that are popularly being used now in accepted literature.
But alas, I got through it and got over it once you righted Jewel's pronouns. I enjoyed the plot with Narcissus performing murder/suicide, and Lucius never changing the will. But i think you could've told the story in a much more exciting way, building slowly to the death of Draco's parents, highlighting and lingering just a little bit longer on the scandal of Draco's father having many kids. Like show more interactions from the Weasleys, what they thought of this if they were to learn. A more dramatic reaction between Harry and Draco when some of these realizations are coming to light. And speaking of them, they moved too quick. It's almost unbelievable. Slow it down. Yes, there could be a residual love there all along, but it wouldn't just blossom out after two days. That's fairy tale bullshit, which makes your story hard to relate to.
Yes, this would mean a longer story, but I promise you could really improve on your writing if you just slow down the progression of your events just enough to put slightly more emphasis on the twists and turns in your story line. Keep the reader hanging long and strong, waiting with bated breath for the next bit of the story, instead of just slapping the reader in the face with the next bit in a heartbeat. It's like problem, solution five seconds later, new problem, solution five seconds later. Let the obstacles in your stories stay for a moment to keep your reader hanging on the line for a minute, before you present the happy ending. I just felt like the problems worked themselves out too quickly, it almost felt a little rushed, skimming quickly over the exciting bits. Like you were trying to fit too much information in too little room. 17 chapters is lengthy, but I still think it would really do something well for the quality of your story to focus a little more on the smaller details.
Although, I LOVED that Harry fucked Draco's bother unwittingly before he ever fucked Draco, much to Draco's chagrin. You did really well with the big bangs and surprisingly dropping the information on the reader, giving little hints here and there as to what may happen at the beginning. But somewhere mid-way through, you just started moving all the relationships and the story as well on a little too fast. Or maybe that's just when I started to notice due to the gender fuck up?
I hope this helped rather than hurt. I'm not trying to criticize hatefully or anything. I just really think you have a lot of potential, and you're just not letting it show completely. Feel lucky. I hardly give fictions the time of day to review anymore. But you're the lucky one. It's just 'cause I think you got something, you just gotta let it flower.
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June 16, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Also, I DOO so love that Draco's brother is a little dirty tranny prostitute. Hot things like that is what lured me on, I do wish I'd seen more usage of the toys between Draco and Harry. Maybe see Draco throw on a skirt, appealing to whatever kink Harry has that had him going for his sister. ;)
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May 13, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Sorry to see this end. It was an enjoyable read!
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May 13, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Yes, it was rushed....and the relationship with Davey, definitely rushed. However, story line was satisfying. Thanks for sharing! I'm glad everyone had their happy endings, except, perhaps Luna. I just felt bad for her!
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May 13, 2015 at 12:00 AM
I loved it so nice....good to read something nice and sweet every once a bit Thanks !!! :):)
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May 8, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Great story!
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May 8, 2015 at 12:00 AM
A great story, with lots of original ideas. I like the half-siblings for Draco and Harry having stumbled into one of them, literally. Good work.
On a critical note, but hopefully for the good: I know you've been told this before, but it is distracting to read everything with 'your'. Just remember, if it belongs to you - it's your. If you are doing something - it's you're. Also, if it belongs to Harry - it's Harry's, not Harrys.
Hope that helps. A beta-reader might be a good idea, for a while, at least.
I'll be looking forward to the next update.
Anna
On a critical note, but hopefully for the good: I know you've been told this before, but it is distracting to read everything with 'your'. Just remember, if it belongs to you - it's your. If you are doing something - it's you're. Also, if it belongs to Harry - it's Harry's, not Harrys.
Hope that helps. A beta-reader might be a good idea, for a while, at least.
I'll be looking forward to the next update.
Anna