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March 8, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Loved the update, can not wait for more.
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March 4, 2015 at 12:00 AM
By the way that they interact, I'm guessing that Bator is going to be the Head Dominant? Please update chapter 12 soon, cause I can't wait to see what's going to happen next now that Charlie is back ^_^
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January 24, 2015 at 12:00 AM
I am only up to chapter 4 so far, and the story seems okay so far, but there are a few points that are hindering you.
I have to say it is actually quite difficult to read some of the dialogue because you have paragraphs which contain speech from several different people. Simply by starting a new paragraph when you change who is speaking, your whole story will become a lot easier to follow.
Also, you might want to do a few extra read-throughs before publishing, because there are quite a few small errors, such as "ad" instead of "and" and things like that.
And perhaps watch your use of the possessive apostrophe. E.g. "Letting out a small laugh at Charlies baffled expression" should be "Letting out a small laugh at Charlie's baffled expression" because the baffled expression belongs to Charlie.
One final point, you have quite a few run on sentences. Your story would flow a lot more naturally if you broke these up a little.
(p.s. that you changed Harry's birthday is a little frustrating to me, particularly when it doesn't feel like you needed to do so with how things are playing out; you would still have had a full month of summer to work with before Hogwarts starts back after Harry's birthday and you could have simply condensed some of the patches where you have several days pass or even weeks (like where you had "The next two weeks went by fast at the Burrow", that could have been shortened to just a couple of days) )
I have to say it is actually quite difficult to read some of the dialogue because you have paragraphs which contain speech from several different people. Simply by starting a new paragraph when you change who is speaking, your whole story will become a lot easier to follow.
Also, you might want to do a few extra read-throughs before publishing, because there are quite a few small errors, such as "ad" instead of "and" and things like that.
And perhaps watch your use of the possessive apostrophe. E.g. "Letting out a small laugh at Charlies baffled expression" should be "Letting out a small laugh at Charlie's baffled expression" because the baffled expression belongs to Charlie.
One final point, you have quite a few run on sentences. Your story would flow a lot more naturally if you broke these up a little.
(p.s. that you changed Harry's birthday is a little frustrating to me, particularly when it doesn't feel like you needed to do so with how things are playing out; you would still have had a full month of summer to work with before Hogwarts starts back after Harry's birthday and you could have simply condensed some of the patches where you have several days pass or even weeks (like where you had "The next two weeks went by fast at the Burrow", that could have been shortened to just a couple of days) )
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January 21, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Please tell me that Bator is a good guy? That he's not going to turn into a psycho? Cause I'm thinking him and Charlie would be extremely hot coupled with Harry ^_^ {oh yeah) please update chapter 11 soon.
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January 19, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Hi there !!!!!!!! I had thought that you has forgotten this !!!!!! so glad your back and things moving along.....still not sure with this Baton guy and I had thought that Charlie was one of his mates...not happy if he is not , I like charlie and Harry not to many out there of them and they are so cute together !!!!!! well I'll shut up now THANKS !!!!!
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January 6, 2015 at 12:00 AM
I am enjoying reading this, the plot is shaping up to be very interesting and has themes I really enjoy.
However, I am finding reading it very difficult. You use commas far too often and sometimes a whole long paragraph contains only one full stop. You give long descriptions in your paragraphs and use the commas to give readers a break, but having so many is confusing. Its like reading a sentence with bracketed text inside bracketed text. Break it down. Section your text into sentences. You can completely alter the pace of the writing with your sentences. Long, flowing sentences create a relaxed atmosphere. Short sentences, sometimes only a few words long, can create an adrenaline filled, fear filled, atmosphere.
Furthermore, when a new person speaks that speech should be in a new paragraph. That will help break down the text and make it, not onky more readable, more approachable too.
Read your work outloud, that helps me a lot.
However, I am finding reading it very difficult. You use commas far too often and sometimes a whole long paragraph contains only one full stop. You give long descriptions in your paragraphs and use the commas to give readers a break, but having so many is confusing. Its like reading a sentence with bracketed text inside bracketed text. Break it down. Section your text into sentences. You can completely alter the pace of the writing with your sentences. Long, flowing sentences create a relaxed atmosphere. Short sentences, sometimes only a few words long, can create an adrenaline filled, fear filled, atmosphere.
Furthermore, when a new person speaks that speech should be in a new paragraph. That will help break down the text and make it, not onky more readable, more approachable too.
Read your work outloud, that helps me a lot.
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January 5, 2015 at 12:00 AM
I like this alot. I don't trust this Hungarian at all though. He seems like the kind of Dom that would beat the living heck out of poor Harr if Harry did anything to make him irritated or angry. He also seems jealous and far too possessive, to the point that he wouldn't let Harry have anymore mates than him regardless if Harry neededicated them to keep sane or not.
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January 5, 2015 at 12:00 AM
A larger text would be nice. I can hardly read this at max on my screen.
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January 2, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Hi,
i really like this story so far. I like the little bits about Harrys reaktions and the parts with molly and her family.
I wanted to know if you have a altert list or if you are on an other page like fanfiction.net too.
The last part is a favor i have to ask of you. can you please make your lines at the end of the story a bit lesser. They are so long, that i have to scale down my internet browser (without it i have to scroll to the right and to the left, thats anoying).
i really hope you have an alert list or other page, with an alert, because i would like to read the next chapters.
best wishes
Daromier ;D
i really like this story so far. I like the little bits about Harrys reaktions and the parts with molly and her family.
I wanted to know if you have a altert list or if you are on an other page like fanfiction.net too.
The last part is a favor i have to ask of you. can you please make your lines at the end of the story a bit lesser. They are so long, that i have to scale down my internet browser (without it i have to scroll to the right and to the left, thats anoying).
i really hope you have an alert list or other page, with an alert, because i would like to read the next chapters.
best wishes
Daromier ;D
schedule
December 21, 2014 at 12:00 AM
I love the creative use of characters. I have read Rise of the Dracken and love the way you use the species.