rate_review Reviews

Draco was dark and out of his mind but I loved this story!

Thank you for finishing the story, though it's quite hurried I can feel in the gaps.
Imagination takes you far away, yeah?

Thank you for the dedication to really push through even though your writing muse is
giving up.

I will still be one of your avid reader and reviewer.
Good luck on your next story.
I would be there cheering you on!

oddio

I'm all for a realistic story I kind of like the idea of obsession and the way you sort of translate it a different warped interpretation of love I dunno that's how I see it

Huh oh! Hermione knows the truth. I'm surprised Draco has been able to keep up the pretense.

I looking forward to a more realistic, character driven story. I think you rush your stories, so it would be nice to see what you could do if you took you time. Make sure that you develop the plot fully and try to write a spine, if it helps. We use them in screenwriting, but it could work for you.

Hero: Who drives the story (Probably Draco)
Goal: What he to accomplish/ what drives the story (it needs to be terminal, something that isn't decided until the end) [He wants Hermione to fall in love with him or He wants to build a better empire than his farther] I don't know, I'm just giving examples.
Central Question: Will this even happen (it can't have anything to do with the goal.)
Central Conflict: blank vs blank (This character the hero has the most conflict with) Draco (if he's your hero) vs Hermione [the hero is always on the left]

As you write, keep the spine in mind. It will help you to stay focused on the story.

In screen writing, there are three Acts.
Act I: Set up conflict: Get your hero up a tree
Act II: Develop the conflict: Throws rocks at him
Act III: Resolve the conflict: Get the character down

I don't believe all of this will translate into prose fiction, but as a writer, of both, I think it might help you focus your story more.

I don't understand this story.
It does not read well and it seem unnecessarily convoluted.
Draco isn't coming across as mad or obessive, he doesn't make sense. None of the situations or the characters really make much sense, everyone is flying about in multipe directions without really coming together. Killing Ron, raping Hermione, and posing as Ron, none of these things really work because the story isn't paced well. The characters are flat, and the story kind of lacks a plot, this all seems to be flying by the seat of your pants. What are the motivations driving Draco? The fixation on Hermione wasn't thoroughly explained, the attacks really seemed out of place, so the characters (and by extension, the situations) are not being fleshed out.
Draco isn't coming across as a sociopath and I think that is what you are aiming for but you are not achieving. He lacks the charisma and the high intelligence required for the abnormal personality.
I wanted to read this because I read your Veela story and I enjoyed parts of it. The idea for the story was good and the characters were interesting. Draco was a deviant in that story, but in this one he is lacking.
The idea for this story is interesting, but it needs more personality.

Sean

It's still dark. Ron is gone, and we don't know what happened to him. Did Draco do something nefarious? Draco has also taken over someone else's life. Hermione is still having sex with her rapist. Now, we're getting close to dealing with psychological abuse. I think that's something you should work on as a writer. The best dark stories deal with both kinds of abuse, the subtler the better. You want to twist your heroine's mind. Suspense is better than surprise per the master of suspense, Alfred Hitchcock.

I'd love to read something with angst. Maybe you're evolving...

So papa Lucius knows.
Is he amenable to Draco's feelings though? When he's a great big Bigot.
Surely the head of the Malfoy family would never let a *muggleborn be the next
Mrs. Malfoy?
And mama Narcissa don't go calling your future daughter in law names,
she might be carrying the future Malfoy
heir by now you know? Hahahaha.

More please!

*would've written the other, more offensive M name for Hermione's
blood origin but I can't.
She's been through enough in the ff without me adding that name in my review. hahaha.

I'm so grateful you decided to continue. just like You won't know, this was one of the best darkfics that is written
in here.

now how do I telepathically send Gryffindorclutz a message to continue her other ff? Hahahaha.