rate_review Reviews

There's something wrong with the formatting in chapters six and seven.

You're going to have a task on you hand to make Draco sympathetic to the reader. He's going to have to look into himself because I don't think he does. He just thinks he's better and at some point, if you want empathy for him, he's going to have to face his faults.

I'm not sure why the words are stretched out, but you have to scan across the screen to read some of the sentences.

Can I guess that Draco's veela was the other person in the office? I'm intrigued as to who will win their game.

Draco is super delusional to believe that Tom lost the war because he was a half-blood. I'm somewhat offended on his behalf as a Tomione fan, LOL. If Tom Riddle when written at his best, i.e. worst, can learn to love, then Draco is a cake walk. This Draco isn't a very logical person. Grindelwald was a pureblood and he lost the first Wizarding War. I can only shake my head at his thought process because he's truly ridiculous. Hermione is smarter than him on any day. I do hope that her intelligence isn't sacrificed on Draco's alter.

I'm happy that you are challenging yourself to go deeper into Draco's psyche. I think it will only make you grow as a writer.

Poor Hermione. I'm happy that she was at least able to rile Draco up. She's going to need to take into her Gryffindor/Slytherin qualities if she wants to beat him. Hermione is the only main character in the HP verse that has a bit of all of the houses in her. I'm team Hermione. You will have to do a lot to get me on Draco's side. At the moment, I just want someone to kick his skinny ass. I hate bullies.

I thought it was interesting, in chapter 11, that the Veela thinks fear is the only way to keep his mate with him. It's so twisted, but it gives you something to work with. That was the first time I read a scene that showed a hint of vulnerability in the villain. You need that if, as you said, you want to write good villain. Again, there are stories that make me Love Tom Riddle, so it's possible, but it is a process.

Don't forget about your heroine. She's messed up, so she will also need a little TLC at some point. Rather she kills him or find the quite strength to endure, it's up to you to make sure that she also goes through some changes. If this is a sad story, beyond the violence, well...

That was an excellent first chapter. I'm happy that you changed. It was much better the second time around. The writing flowed better and the reader got a better idea of what's going on.

I really like your Draco in this story. I just wish that your stories were more balanced because I LOVE dark Draco; however, I don't like it when Draco constantly abuses Hermione and there's never any redemption in the character. I don't mind a twisted love story, just as long as there's some pay off. You can only go so far one character constantly abusing another without it becoming repetitive and dull. There has to be a solid plot that keeps the story moving or it becomes stagnant and no amount of degradation or abuse will save it.

I would love to see what you could do with a manipulative Draco. One who uses more of his Slytherin traits to get what he wants and not just brute force.

The second and third chapters did a better job of giving the readers more insight into Draco and Hermione. Now, we now what Hermione's motivations, or lack there of, are, but what are Draco's? Why is Draco the way he is? What makes him tick? Remember, this isn't just a one shot. You are choosing to tell a story, so it's important, as the story goes on, to show who these people are beyond the abuse. Is Draco just a sadist? Is there a reason? I understand him blanking out on Hermione being is mate. In his delusional mind the situation is her fault.

Fully fleshed out characters make the best characters and tell the more compelling stories. They also separate good writers from mediocre ones.

More please! I love reading these types od dark stories.

This was good, I would have personally combined the last two chapters, but just the same, I am interested to see where this is headed. :)

Nice cliffhanger. I do think the chapters could be a bit meatier.
Remember, show, don't tell.