Great story hope to see more soon
You've double posted chapter 14.
This is just a slow rewrite of JKR's work with minor changes. Not very origional. A better title would be 'A Slightly Different Harry Potter'. On AFF your present title is very misleading and the story is boring.
So your writing is pretty much ok, but there were some things, I noticed, that maybe you could improve:
You tend to mix up past tense and present tense.
The 's' at the end of a verb is only for the 'he/she/it' form, so 'he/she/it seperates', but 'I/you/we/you/they seperate'.
Also, as for things like 'you might want to keep that 1 hidden'; please don't. Writing "one" instead of "1" looks so much better, although the numbers aren't technically wrong. (I think)
One of my pet peeves is time spans, things like "The headmaster pointed his wand in the direction of the stairs for a few minutes..." Just try and sit down for say three minutes and do nothing but point a pen at something without moving.
The tense problem has become better since you got a beta, but I also noticed it with "Guilty Pleasure".
Overall your english is a bit clunky, but very readable. If you want to improve on that, I can recommend just reading some fiction, like LoTR, or just looking up some grammar sites on the net.
There are also some minor logical slips, like that the corridor is more than wide enough to evade Dumbledore by simply standing flat agains the wall, if it is wide enough to end in double doors. Another example would be Fluffy's door making no sound when opened from the outside, or closed from the inside, but only when it's opened from the inside. Or Harry being a "recently turned twelve years old", when his birthday isn't for somthing like seven more months.
There are also a few hickups with your characters, weird reactions that just don't fit, like Harry saying 'It's the thought that counts' after getting Hermione's christmas present, instead of just being happy about his first present ever, for example.
But now, unto the important stuff.
Canon is a bit of an interesting thing. You do a good job, to not just repeat the canon events, but on the other hand, I'm always a bit disappointed, when they just happen in some other form at the end. I think, you could do a great job, just staying less close to canon. After all, nothing bad happens, if Harry never gets involved with the Philosopher's stone and just has his own, completely different adventure. You could also just ignore some things, like Norbert for example. On the other hand, it's clear, that Dumbledore is manipulating Harry into eventually confronting Voldemort, but I'd love to see, what you'd do, if you decided not to reuse any canon scenes.
The other thing is Snape. Since he is essentially a good guy, his actions don't really fit his person, in my opinion, and I think, he'd be much better, if you changed him slightly: A bit of a better teacher, since he doesn't hate everyone in this fic (maybe just have him correct people before they make mistakes; it doesn't have to be polite), tone down the point deductions, they (50 points for not chopping ingredients correctly) are way over the top, even for normal asshole Snape. (Harry, Ron, and Neville were hated by their house for weeks, because they lost 150p.) Get rid of Snape's obvious emotional tells, like trembeling hands, he is a master at covering his emotions.
But overall, I really like this story, especially the small things, like someone FINALLY catching anyone, who drops off their broom, instead of just letting them fall down, like in every second HP book. But I like those scenes like Hermione masturbating on her broom, or Harry looking up her skirt even more. Their reactions and general behavior are very well written, and the former are quite funny, too.
So in the end, I'm looking forward to new chapters for both of yours stories.
Thanks for writing and uploading.
Just love it.Great story so far, Can't wait for the next update
4 chapters in, your story is going well so far, a bit slow but thats ok. I found the entire first chapter to be a repeat of the books, which was dissapointing.
whats really frustrating is that you are writing in present tense.
"Harry picks up a book and begins reading" should be "Harry picked up a book and began reading"
Past tense is just so much easier to read.
Im not trying to be too critical, just trying to help you improve your story telling. :)
This is a great story, I hope you will start releasing more updates more often.
Hi, just wanted to say that I really love your story so far. I am really looking forward to seeing the next chapter.
Oh this was simply fantastic to binge read. I guarrantee I'll be reading it along with each chapter if I can, even if it wasn't the thoughtless smut I originally thought, it's a really nice read honestly. And you were considering a beta not long ago I noticed, if it isn't too presumptuous, I might suggest myself for such a position if it isn't too much to ask, I feel like I'd be perfect for the job. ^w^ Either way, this is simply fantastic. Good job, and keep up the good work.
Awesome story. Great pacing as well as original ideas such as a Hufflepuff Harry. Hope to see more soon.