schedule
March 29, 2013 at 12:00 AM
You have a good writing style! I can understand what is going on and you use description well, so I understand what I am supposed to be seeing. At this point in your story, it has a very basic DM/HG plot going, but I am interested in seeing where you take them.
One thing is bothering me about your story thus far, Hermione's characterization. She is a stickler for the rules! She only breaks them when it is vital she do so (ex. First year: lighting a professor on fire, second year: stealing potion ingredients and third year: using her time turner for non-academic needs). So, why when her favorite professor, who she respects greatly, tells her that she needs to work with Draco and uphold house-unity, she immediately breaks the rules, without provocation, and hexes Draco? He could have simply walked the few feet into the Great Hall and BAM! Hermione would have lost her Head Girl status for hexing him. Hermione is logical, while she can be emotional, she would never let her feelings for Draco ruin her chances to be Head Girl by promptly breaking not only the basic schools rules but also doing the opposite of what McGonagall just told her.
You haven't used any other character too much yet, so I can't give you my feelings on them yet. But, I did like how you had Harry react to the pictures and how Hermione was there to calm him. That was very much something Hermione would do. Also, I feel that a lot of post-war fan fics tend to ignore the emotional fallout that would inevitably come from fighting in a war and watching people die or in some cases killing people. I like that you haven't ignored that, I don't know how deep into the all of that you will go, but that you have at least acknowledged that people would have difficultly just moving on is great!
~L
One thing is bothering me about your story thus far, Hermione's characterization. She is a stickler for the rules! She only breaks them when it is vital she do so (ex. First year: lighting a professor on fire, second year: stealing potion ingredients and third year: using her time turner for non-academic needs). So, why when her favorite professor, who she respects greatly, tells her that she needs to work with Draco and uphold house-unity, she immediately breaks the rules, without provocation, and hexes Draco? He could have simply walked the few feet into the Great Hall and BAM! Hermione would have lost her Head Girl status for hexing him. Hermione is logical, while she can be emotional, she would never let her feelings for Draco ruin her chances to be Head Girl by promptly breaking not only the basic schools rules but also doing the opposite of what McGonagall just told her.
You haven't used any other character too much yet, so I can't give you my feelings on them yet. But, I did like how you had Harry react to the pictures and how Hermione was there to calm him. That was very much something Hermione would do. Also, I feel that a lot of post-war fan fics tend to ignore the emotional fallout that would inevitably come from fighting in a war and watching people die or in some cases killing people. I like that you haven't ignored that, I don't know how deep into the all of that you will go, but that you have at least acknowledged that people would have difficultly just moving on is great!
~L
schedule
March 29, 2013 at 12:00 AM
@2 good start. Look forward to more.
DB
DB