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June 3, 2013 at 12:00 AM
wow, i love this rewrite so much better than the original. I love Hermionie, fred and george being together as well. I can't wait to see the rest of the rewrite, but i hope you put new chapters up soon, cause i want to see whathappens next.
schedule
June 3, 2013 at 12:00 AM
I love this rewrite! I hope that you update it soon! Keep up the great work!
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June 3, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Isn't there ANOTHER STORY LIKE THIS ONE BUT HAS LIKE CHARLIE AND BLAISE AND THEO AS MATES AND LUCIUS AS A FEMALE TIGER I AM SOORY BUT I AM SOOO CONFUSED
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June 2, 2013 at 12:00 AM
That was weird... I was reading this when you changed it. Lol. All of the sudden the following chapters were gone and the chapter that was there was different. For a moment I thought was in a different story. Lol. I hope you put up more soon.
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May 1, 2013 at 12:00 AM
i love the new chapter and cant wait to find out more please update soon :)
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April 23, 2013 at 12:00 AM
I LOVE THIS FANFIC, IT IS JUST BRILLANT.
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April 19, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Please update chapter 9 ;)
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April 18, 2013 at 12:00 AM
hi i love ur story. i hope that i am guessing right: it is very obvious that remus is a mate, and that so is the giant squid. but i do also know that the gs is godric gryfindor, that will make it ineresting.please update soon.
schedule
April 18, 2013 at 12:00 AM
It seems like your rushing the story to a conclusion; telling, not showing what's happening. You have a great premis, but like a great stew or curry, the more time you take to let it simmer, the more flavorful it becomes. Allow for some vignettes, small scenes between the different mates, interacting: comon place, everday things like getting prepared for classes in the morning, simple daily interactions like sharing bathroom space or doing homework. Sex and mating is great fun, but even that's feeling rushed through in the narrative, not the frantic need to mate, just rushed story-telling.
It's refreshing to have some original characters, but don't forget, OCs mean extra work for the author. It's your job to flesh out these OCs into "real" people for the readers, characters who we can fall in love with. "Real" characters have quirks and flaws and personalities and habits, good and bad. It would be good to see the settling-in period between all the characters, because even if they've decided that because they're mates and will be living the vast majority of the rest of their lives together, there's old habits and ingrained behavioral patterns that will continue to pop back up, needing to be address and redressed. For the new OCs, they need to carve out their nitch into these previoiusly developed relationships, build new relationships and connections to each of the characters. Plus, their different beasties with have different habits and needs, character quirks that you should have fun hinting and teasing the readers with.
Some examples of what I mean:
1--Harry needing to sleep with his fairy baby: show Harry going off with different mates, determined to spend the night with so-and-so, and yet feeling restless after the mating, and itching to go and check... and finally a decision to, since he was there now anyway, just spend the rest of the night there. Have it happen a couple of nights in a row, have him ponder and wonder about it over breakfast or dinner or some other portion of the day, and then when Vamp-boy informs us that fairy-babies need both parents with them during the night, during that regenerative period when the psyche is supposedly calm to help sustain and feed the fetus, it will make more sense to Harry *and* the readers. Also, it will press Harry (and the readers) into making a mental note of needing to researchi and learn the different needs and requirements of the mates.
2--Theo's creature. Take some time to really discribe the scene the mates find themselves in. Then, when Theo's safely away, tucked away with Harry, if Harry takes some time to explore and caress Theo's body, we the readers will have a better understanding of what Theo's naga looks like. Harry could spend some time speculating on what his mate is, Theo could confess, Harry could... interogate through sexual means, learning much of what Theo knows about his naga heratige, and thus the readers could learn some, too.
3--Full moon rowdiness. Instead of telling us how Harry's needing to rut all his mates, make us feel the burn, the itchiness to continually sink ourselves into the mates, to dominate, to spill and claim and savor that delicious release of submission.... and then to not be able to quench the thirst because the fire is still there, roiling in our guts, forcing us on, on to the next mate, the next domination, the next completion...
4--Character point of views/narrative styles. Don't constrict yourself to single-person point of view. JK did that for the majority of her books, and it restricted the reader from fully getting a feeling for the world she had created. Instead of having Harry barging into the potions lab, start from within the potions lab, with Snape and his vamp preparing ingrediants, discussing possibilities of certain elements reacting in different ways based on preparation or some such, or even Severus quizzing to find out what his newest would-be-apprentice knows about potions, or even just quizzing on his experiences at school, why he likes potions. If you spend a page or three on this relationship before Harry barges in to mate both of them, the readers get a better feel for this dom-sub pairing as well as a better feeling for our OC. Split the narration of the mating between the two, showing us their desperation to be filled, completed, by Harry, and then the exhaustive aftermath when Harry leaves them both, and they're left to each other to put themselves back together again. Do they go back to preparing their potions ingrediants, or do they leave it for the morning and instead drag each other to bed? (That scene slightly bothered me because I couldn't pick up if they were actually brewing or not, and throughout it, I kept envisioning something happening--a cauldren exploding or bubbling over, fumes billowing up and suffusing the room--all while the boys were fucking. ^_^;; Kinda detracts from the sexiness of a mating scene!)
Same could be said for Sirius and Lucius, if the scene starts with the two of them, how did they get started mating before Harry stormed in. What's their relationship like? How do they feel about Harry pairing them up? Especially Lucius, who must be feeling so conflicted...
What's going on between Blaise and Charlie? How is Blaise's mother taking things? There could have been a full five - ten pages of narrative that took place in Blaise's home while the rest of the gang was off in Romania. Blaise's mother, the black widow, alone would have made for some wonderful character-building narrative. How does she really feel about her baby's mateship? Does she try testing Charlie to see if he's worthy of her darling son? What about her interactions with Thaddeus, the odious man. What is she plotting? How does she feel about Theo? What about Theo, Blaise, and Charlie? How is that going?
Then there's Reg's dad, stepdad, halfbrother... the in-laws, if you would. You introduced them, and then dropped them from the narrative, not allowing the readers to get to know this extended family anymore, as if they're no longer of any importance. Which might be true for you, as they were a means of plot-device to deliver two new characters/mates, but.... would affection/family-starved Harry really not care about in-laws? Even if he is a mimickers, building his harem... wouldn't he want to concrete his extended family, building himself a "village" or extended pack, as it were? These characters shouldn't be ignored, these are their children Harry is mating. Most parents (even the ones not-so-great at the whole parenting gig) are a bit possessive of their children. They're *their* children, little people they've spent a good bit of time, money, and heart investing it. And people are generally nosy and full-of-themselves, we always think we know what's best, and always need to share our opinions with others. (If not, I wouldn't be reviewing right now, even if I'm hoping it's constructive for you.) There will be interrogations, little testings, teasings (which are still tests to see how one will react), and all these little bits---where will you live, how will you provide for my child, will you allow my child to pursue his/her dreams or will you be a tyrant, why do you think you're good enough for my fruit of my loins, etc. etc. etc. These... "tests"... come in a variety of forms, of course. The full on frontal "attack" of interrogation, the gentle easy of conversation, the sharing of personal plans and histories that leads to the expectation of recipricol sharing...
That's a lot to leave you with, so with that, I'll just say, Happy writings!
~AR
It's refreshing to have some original characters, but don't forget, OCs mean extra work for the author. It's your job to flesh out these OCs into "real" people for the readers, characters who we can fall in love with. "Real" characters have quirks and flaws and personalities and habits, good and bad. It would be good to see the settling-in period between all the characters, because even if they've decided that because they're mates and will be living the vast majority of the rest of their lives together, there's old habits and ingrained behavioral patterns that will continue to pop back up, needing to be address and redressed. For the new OCs, they need to carve out their nitch into these previoiusly developed relationships, build new relationships and connections to each of the characters. Plus, their different beasties with have different habits and needs, character quirks that you should have fun hinting and teasing the readers with.
Some examples of what I mean:
1--Harry needing to sleep with his fairy baby: show Harry going off with different mates, determined to spend the night with so-and-so, and yet feeling restless after the mating, and itching to go and check... and finally a decision to, since he was there now anyway, just spend the rest of the night there. Have it happen a couple of nights in a row, have him ponder and wonder about it over breakfast or dinner or some other portion of the day, and then when Vamp-boy informs us that fairy-babies need both parents with them during the night, during that regenerative period when the psyche is supposedly calm to help sustain and feed the fetus, it will make more sense to Harry *and* the readers. Also, it will press Harry (and the readers) into making a mental note of needing to researchi and learn the different needs and requirements of the mates.
2--Theo's creature. Take some time to really discribe the scene the mates find themselves in. Then, when Theo's safely away, tucked away with Harry, if Harry takes some time to explore and caress Theo's body, we the readers will have a better understanding of what Theo's naga looks like. Harry could spend some time speculating on what his mate is, Theo could confess, Harry could... interogate through sexual means, learning much of what Theo knows about his naga heratige, and thus the readers could learn some, too.
3--Full moon rowdiness. Instead of telling us how Harry's needing to rut all his mates, make us feel the burn, the itchiness to continually sink ourselves into the mates, to dominate, to spill and claim and savor that delicious release of submission.... and then to not be able to quench the thirst because the fire is still there, roiling in our guts, forcing us on, on to the next mate, the next domination, the next completion...
4--Character point of views/narrative styles. Don't constrict yourself to single-person point of view. JK did that for the majority of her books, and it restricted the reader from fully getting a feeling for the world she had created. Instead of having Harry barging into the potions lab, start from within the potions lab, with Snape and his vamp preparing ingrediants, discussing possibilities of certain elements reacting in different ways based on preparation or some such, or even Severus quizzing to find out what his newest would-be-apprentice knows about potions, or even just quizzing on his experiences at school, why he likes potions. If you spend a page or three on this relationship before Harry barges in to mate both of them, the readers get a better feel for this dom-sub pairing as well as a better feeling for our OC. Split the narration of the mating between the two, showing us their desperation to be filled, completed, by Harry, and then the exhaustive aftermath when Harry leaves them both, and they're left to each other to put themselves back together again. Do they go back to preparing their potions ingrediants, or do they leave it for the morning and instead drag each other to bed? (That scene slightly bothered me because I couldn't pick up if they were actually brewing or not, and throughout it, I kept envisioning something happening--a cauldren exploding or bubbling over, fumes billowing up and suffusing the room--all while the boys were fucking. ^_^;; Kinda detracts from the sexiness of a mating scene!)
Same could be said for Sirius and Lucius, if the scene starts with the two of them, how did they get started mating before Harry stormed in. What's their relationship like? How do they feel about Harry pairing them up? Especially Lucius, who must be feeling so conflicted...
What's going on between Blaise and Charlie? How is Blaise's mother taking things? There could have been a full five - ten pages of narrative that took place in Blaise's home while the rest of the gang was off in Romania. Blaise's mother, the black widow, alone would have made for some wonderful character-building narrative. How does she really feel about her baby's mateship? Does she try testing Charlie to see if he's worthy of her darling son? What about her interactions with Thaddeus, the odious man. What is she plotting? How does she feel about Theo? What about Theo, Blaise, and Charlie? How is that going?
Then there's Reg's dad, stepdad, halfbrother... the in-laws, if you would. You introduced them, and then dropped them from the narrative, not allowing the readers to get to know this extended family anymore, as if they're no longer of any importance. Which might be true for you, as they were a means of plot-device to deliver two new characters/mates, but.... would affection/family-starved Harry really not care about in-laws? Even if he is a mimickers, building his harem... wouldn't he want to concrete his extended family, building himself a "village" or extended pack, as it were? These characters shouldn't be ignored, these are their children Harry is mating. Most parents (even the ones not-so-great at the whole parenting gig) are a bit possessive of their children. They're *their* children, little people they've spent a good bit of time, money, and heart investing it. And people are generally nosy and full-of-themselves, we always think we know what's best, and always need to share our opinions with others. (If not, I wouldn't be reviewing right now, even if I'm hoping it's constructive for you.) There will be interrogations, little testings, teasings (which are still tests to see how one will react), and all these little bits---where will you live, how will you provide for my child, will you allow my child to pursue his/her dreams or will you be a tyrant, why do you think you're good enough for my fruit of my loins, etc. etc. etc. These... "tests"... come in a variety of forms, of course. The full on frontal "attack" of interrogation, the gentle easy of conversation, the sharing of personal plans and histories that leads to the expectation of recipricol sharing...
That's a lot to leave you with, so with that, I'll just say, Happy writings!
~AR
schedule
April 17, 2013 at 12:00 AM
wooohooo another update Im loveing the interactions of Snape and Harry as well as the rest of the clan Great work :D